A/N: So….this happened. It is a ship that we're dubbing as Taco: Tom/Harry/Draco. This is not meant to be taken seriously, and if you do take it seriously, well, then I can't really help you. It's just a silly look at fanfiction cliches and I mean no offense to anyone. I really did enjoy writing this with my roommate, so I hope you enjoy reading it.

Happy end of the school year. :)

Draco Malfoy rushed through the hallways of Hogwarts with only one thought on his mind. He had heard about the little Weasels' capture and the Heir of Slytherin's prized monster roaming the halls, but really all this was unimportant in light of the ungodly fullness of his bladder.

He rushed into the nearest bathroom, eager to relieve the growing pressure, but as he turned about wildly for the urinals, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He stopped and smirked at his reflection, his cheeks slightly flushed with his scurrying through the halls. He licked his hand slowly before running it through his hair and sauntered towards the mirror, his eyes locked with his own.

God damn, I'm sexy.

He leaned in closer and closer, reaching for the sink to steady himself and practice his new seductive lean, but there was nothing there.

Far below-directly below-in the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets, Gilderoy Lockhart was holding Ron's wand to Harry Potter's head. Ron gritted his teeth in hopeless despair. Harry's chest rose and fell as he willed something, anything, to allow them to get past this blundering idiot and his broken wand. Suddenly, from far above, they heard a sound. As it got louder and louder, Harry could distinguish the words.

"Ahh FUCKING BUGGER SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK AHHHHH HOLY FUCKING MERLIN'S BEARD AHHH!"

As the screams got closer, the walls began to crumble and shake. Lockhart raised his wand, advancing towards Ron. At the same instant, something-or someone-fell from the tunnel above them. Harry had only to catch a glimpse of Draco Malfoy's shining eyes and flushed cheeks before he instinctively threw himself forward and stuck out his arms, catching the lengthy boy before he hit the jagged bones beneath.

Suddenly, darkness closed around them accompanied by the ear-shattering clash of the crumbling walls. Harry braced himself for an impact that never came. Instead, he felt warmth and softness beneath him.

"Lumos."

The end of Harry's wand burst into light, revealing the pale figure of Draco Malfoy staring up at him. Harry became lost in the icy grey depths of Draco's eyes, finding himself unable to move or speak.

"Get off of me, Potty," Draco snarled.

Harry didn't move. He hardly heard him. Draco faltered, bewildered by Harry's strangely lustful expression, before trying again.

"Get the fuck off of me, Pothead!"

Still, no response. Draco could only raise one arm, for the other was pinned beneath Harry's heavy length, but lifted the other in an attempt to push Harry's face away. Harry went cross-eyed as Draco's hand got closer, and in one fast movement, he grabbed Draco's wrist and pinned it against the ground. His other hand reached up to smooth the hair off Draco's forehead, Harry's eyes wide in fascination.

"HOOOO GOD!"

Deeply disturbed, Draco leapt from under Harry, clutching his hand to his chest as if it had been molested.

Harry looked up, his expression hurt.

Suddenly, from the other side of the wall, came Ron's voice.

"Oi! Harry! You alright over there? Is that the dickwad Malfoy I hear over there?"

Harry sat up, casting Draco one last gaze before shouting back.

"Yeah, mate, I'm fine! Malfoy's over here. I think he fell from the girl's toilet."

It took a moment before the shouted response, and when it came, Ron was cackling.

"Malfoy was taking a piss in the girl's loo?"

In the soft light of Harry's wand, Draco was glad no one could see him blushing.

"No, I was, I was…meeting my girlfriend Jenny there. Don't hate because you can't get any, Weasel." Draco tried to feign a cocky sneer.

Ron's booming laughter met their ears.

"Yeah, whatever, mate. Harry, you really need to keep going. Leave the worthless dipshit behind and go get my sister!"

Harry stood, his eyes hardening in resolve.

"Malfoy, you're coming with me. I could use another hand."

"You're fucking delusional, Potter! I'm not going to save the ginger!" Draco snorted.

"You will do what I say," Harry said, and with a little smile, he pulled his wand and pressed it against the hollow of Draco's neck. He noted with pleasure that the silvery eyes before him dilated slightly in fear, his slender bottom lip trembling.

With Harry's wand at his back, Draco was turned and pushed forward into the darkness. Harry wrapped his hand around the back of Draco's neck, his wand going to point over his shoulder to illuminate that pathway ahead. Draco shivered at the warm touch.

Harry, on the other hand, grew colder as they went deeper and deeper into the recesses of the Chamber of Secrets. The tunnel was dank and dark, water dripping onto their robes, and the smell of decay lingered in the air. By the time they reached the door to the chamber, Draco was shaking.

"There's no way we can get past that door, Potter. Time to go back," Draco said, staring at the heavy steel and the disfigured face of Salazar Slytherin.

"I know Parseltongue. Once I tell it to open, it will," Harry replied, reaching out a hand to touch the door.

Draco grabbed Harry's arm and pushed it away.

"No! There's something terrible in there, and if we go in, we're done for!"

"I know, but Ginny's in there, Malfoy," Harry said, his eyes sharpening.

"She's not worth it."

Suddenly Draco found himself slammed up against the jagged rock walls with Harry's hands at his collar and his face inches away. He could feel his hot breath against his skin, and Harry's face was clouded with anger.

"You're a fucking coward," he snarled.

Draco whimpered in response, which resulted in another slam against the wall.

"I don't have time for assholes that don't stand up for people they love," Harry growled. "And I really don't have time right now, so you're coming with me."

Draco swore he saw a small flame of hatred in Harry's emerald eyes before he was released and, strangely, he felt simmering shame flare in his gut. Harry took a step back and faced the door, his hand reaching out once more. An unintelligible hissing noise snaked from Harry's lips and the door jumped to life. There was a loud creaking noise as it slowly opened, revealing a huge chamber and a red haired girl, tiny on the dark wet floor. Standing above her was a tall, dark haired man that Harry immediately recognized.

"Tom Riddle," Harry gasped. "It was you! But why?"

A smirk graced the handsome man's features.

"Think, Potter. Think of the wizards you know that are capable of such powerful magic, who are the beloved of Salazar Slytherin, who are unflinching in the face of such dark wizardry, who was adored and feared by his peers and teachers, and who are inexplicably handsome and unbelievably attract-"

"Fuck! I get it, Jesus. You're Voldemort," Harry interrupted with a slight roll of his eyes. Draco gasped, the noise reverberating around the chamber. Tom's eyes flickered to the pale boy by Harry's side and a sadistic grin appeared on his face.

"I see you brought a friend, Harry. There's a Malfoy if I've ever seen one."

"Y-you can't really be the Dark Lord," Draco stuttered breathlessly.

"No, Draco?"

Then, with a swish of his cloak, Tom turned and raised his wand to produce the words Tom Morvolo Riddle, which with a flick of his wand rearranged to I am Lord Voldemort.

"Whether you're Voldemort or not, I've come to take Ginny back, so hand her over!" Harry said.

"Then take her if you can," Tom replied with a smile.

Harry shoved past him and made his way towards Ginny's side, but before he could reach her, the water she lay near began to shift. From the depths of the subterranean lake rose the scaly coils of the basilisk.

Harry froze.

Draco whimpered.

"With one word, Harry, I could set the basilisk upon you and the blood traitor and you would meet the fate that your unfortunate friends have so far avoided."

Harry looked up, his jaw set, afraid to move closer to the tiny girl at his feet. His eyes, filled with hatred, locked with Tom's.

There was a moment of silence.

Draco whimpered again and Harry looked back, moving a step away from Ginny and towards the blonde's side.

Tom turned, his eyes passing Draco briefly before locking on Harry, a slow smile spreading across his face.

"However, it is possible that we can come to some sort of an agreement. A friend for a friend. I'll give you Ginny… if you give me Draco."

Draco breathed in and shuddered at the silky words, his emotions torn. He felt a powerful pull towards the Dark Lord, but he was terrified at the prospect of being under his command. In his mind, he tried to resign himself to his fate. He knew Harry wouldn't possibly refuse the deal offered. After all, the look Harry had given him earlier spoke of disgust and hatred. Draco was nothing to Harry.

So Draco's mouth dropped as Harry growled, taking a defensive stance.

"No."

"Come, come, you mean to say that this Slytherin boy means more to you than your dear friend's beloved sister? Just hand him over," Tom sneered, his eyes narrowing.

"What do you want with him, anyway?" Harry shot back.

Tom opened his mouth immediately, almost cutting Harry off in his eagerness to begin his tale.

"You see, Potter, decades ago, I too was a student at Hogwarts. I was Tom Riddle, beloved and feared by his peers and teachers, top of every class of all the grades and of all the houses, inexplicably handsome and unbelievably attract-"

"Yeah, we've heard it already," Harry interrupted.

Tom sneered.

"Well, the point is, Potter, there was one student at Hogwarts who was impervious to my charismatic charms. Though we were close peers, we weren't close enough for my liking. Year after year, I struggled to get this captivating young man to reciprocate, but it was all in vain. That young man's name was Solisonius Malfoy."

"Grandpa?" Draco cried, suddenly looking a little faint.

"Yes, Draco, your grandfather. So isn't it fitting, Harry, that you've delivered to me the grandson of the man who scorned the honor I would have bestowed upon him? The blood of the Malfoys is pure, so I'll accept Draco as a worthy substitute. And how distinctive that blood is. After all, he possesses the same icy grey eyes, the luscious blonde locks, the high cheekbones, the porcelain skin, the blushing-"

"I'm not handing him over."

Draco looked over at Harry, astonished.

"Don't be a fool, Harry. Either you hand over the boy or I take the boy and kill both you and your pathetic little girlfriend," Tom said, losing his cool demeanor.

Standing by Harry's side and facing the Dark Lord, Draco felt a sudden wave of shame. There Harry was, risking his life against the most powerful sorcerer the wizarding world had ever known and all Draco could do was stand there. Harry was protecting him, but why? Draco had been sure that Harry saw him as a worthless, spineless asshole. Apparently, he had been mistaken. Harry saw something in him; something Draco hadn't been sure was there, but now Draco felt it rising up from his chest. It was a spark of bravery, and with that, he stepped forward.

"Harry-"

Harry jumped at hearing his first name fall from Draco's mouth.

"Harry, it's not worth it. Take Ginny and go. I'll stay here," Draco said, his face pulled in determination.

Astonishment and gratitude registered on Harry's face and he reached out a hand towards Draco before pulling it back to his chest and curling it into a fist.

"I can't let you do that, Draco."

Tom started to laugh, the smooth sound echoing throughout the chamber.

"This is all very amusing, and I see that you are quite determined, Potter, but perhaps we could come to some sort of," he paused, his eyebrows rising. "Compromise."

For a moment, Harry's expression betrayed nothing before slipping into a small grin of understanding. Draco's eyes widened in alarm.

"I suppose we could reach some sort of…agreement."

"What? Wait. What? WHAT?" Draco said, his voice getting more panicked as Tom and Harry turned towards him slowly.

"Here is as good a place as any," Tom said.

"I agree," Harry replied with a nod.

"I do NOT agree!" said Draco, taking several unintentional steps backward.

Though Harry and Tom both exuded a type of power and confidence that was oddly entrancing, Draco was frightened by the animalistic gleam in their eyes.

"Well, if Draco doesn't want to…" Harry said, trailing off, disappointment evident on his face.

"Nonsense," said Tom briskly, turning to stare directly at Draco. "Draco, I am your Dark Lord. Any favor you do for me will be greatly rewarded, beyond your wildest dreams. Your loyalty to me would mean the greatest honor for Slytherin house and the noble Malfoy name."

Draco certainly couldn't argue with that.

Several hours later, Draco lifted his head from the cool stone floor of the Chamber of Secrets. On the edge of the subterranean lake stood Tom, the skin of his back gleaming in the cavern's dull light as he skipped a rock over the basilisk's coils. He was whistling contently. A little beyond Tom laid Ginny, deathly pale under a pile of discarded clothing.

Draco turned to his right and nudged Harry, who lay beside him.

"Harry….Harry!" he whispered with each shove.

He received a deep sigh in response.

"Harry!"

Harry's eyes opened sleepily before he smiled at the sight of Draco above him.

"Mm?"

Draco had suddenly remembered what had started this magical chain of events.

"I really have to pee."