This is a little oneshot for a dA contest from NSou I've entered. (I know the minimum was a 1000 words, but I'm incapable of making a story that short :p)
I've always loved the pairing, and it finally gave me a good excuse to actually write something about them :)
Disclaimer: I own a cardboard box with internet connection and a computer. Naruto and all its character belong to Masashi Kishimoto (who lives in an actual house. See what owning Naruto char's can do for you?)
"It always hurts when you don't understand what's going on within yourself, doesn't it?"
(Ps: I started with Iruka's PoV, but I change it back and forth with Kakashi's PoV a lot. So everytime there's a huge line between the texts or there's "##", I change PoV.)
(Oh, and from now on, Italic means flashback xD)
I never pictured myself a person to be fiddling over such trifle things, but here I am, aren't I? Staring stupidly out of the window into the night, expecting for him to appear as if nothing had happened. It's funny how you start to think about all the good things when you're at a cross road like this. The day we met, the first time we actually decided to do something together, the moment we had to admit that it wasn't just as friends but that it looked more like we were dating...
I sighed deeply when I thought back at that moment, and lay my head back down on my knees as I closed my eyes. I could recall every single moment of that night. Naruto and Sasuke had just returned from a succesfull mission and invited us to join them in the celebration. Well... the celebration was more for them than for me, I was apologising half the time to the owners of the bar about the racket, and yelling at said boys the other half of the time to quit it already.
I huffed out a little snort at that thought. That night Kakashi'd been as equally bad as the boys and I'd felt like the only adult there. The defining moment though, was when we all decided to go home, and we'd waved the boys goodbye. In their drunken state they had apparently forgotten to keep it a secret for once, and silence had fallen over both me and Kakashi the moment we saw them kling their hands together and walk off, kissing each other before turning the corner, still laughing and inebriated.
It was then, that I felt something in the silence between us. Something that I had rejected as a possibility and as such had never admitted to it. But I'd felt the attention on that lonely street corner just like I'd done before, from the white haired man that I'd spent so much time with.
'Well then, guess that I'll be off too then.' I hadn't even turned around to look at him when I said that.
'We're still going the same direction for a couple of streets, you know.' In my anxiousness I'd forgotten that for a moment. I didn't actually want to think that way about a friend, about Kakashi, and was trying to ignore the moment that was happening.
'Haha, guess you're right. Sorry, long night, shall we walk then?' He'd silently walked by my side all that way. The tension was obvious, but I really didn't want to start a hefty discussion this late into the as we were approaching the point to each go our own way to our own places, Kakashi had sped up a little and stopped before me.
'Mah, Iruka, what's the matter? You're normally not this quiet.' I was startled to suddenly look directly in his eye again and it took me a couple of seconds to get my composure back again and answer correctly. I'd smiled like a fool,
'Nothing's wrong Kakashi, just thinking about tomorrow's class.' He'd then closed in his face and looked at me with such intensity that anyone would have turned red. But of course, it was the last thing I wanted to happen at that point. He squinted a little at the obvious lie.
'You're going with that?'
'...I'm sorry? You're implying I'm lying?'
'I just thought it more likely to be about the way Naruto and Sasuke's relationship apparently is, and you questioning yourself now after all our dates. I'm wrong then?' He backed of a little as I could see he was smiling through that stupid facemask he seemed to wear everywhere. Not that anyone would mistake him for who he was with that goofy hair...
'I beg your pardon? I have no problem with what they do as long as they're happy!' "I beg your pardon" ... I still can't believe I'd said that. I won't forget the snicker coming from Kakashi either.
'I'm not under the impression you have a problem with them either, Iruka.' At that moment I choked.
'Well then, if this is going where I think it's going, then I better be off. I have an early morning.' I'd intended to walk away, but something about the situation was keeping me there just a little longer.
'You're really just gonna ignore this then?' ...not that I could've walked off the moment he started to pull that mask down.
'W-what exactly am I ignoring then?' I felt special and embarrassed at the same time that he was doing that in front of me.
'Mah, if I really have to say it out loud after so many dates and hints, then I guess it is better to just go home and let it be.' I stopped his hand when he reached up to put his mask back on. For those couple of seconds that I just stood there, looking at the ground, I was gathering all off my courage. Too many things were racing through my mind, but for once I decided to push that aside and focused on the way I'd felt these last couple of weeks, even months, being around him.
'Forgive me Kakashi, this is a bit... sudden.' It's not like I hadn't felt something like this coming, and I'd noticed the way Kakashi acted differently around me than my other friends did. The point were my own feelings. Was I actually interested in him like that? (the question I'd been ignoring)
'Sudden? Oh come on Iruka-sensei. If you haven't noticed anything yet, then it's best for me to walk away now. But if you've actually felt something, then what are you waiting for?' I'd looked up at that smiling face for the first time without a mask, and let go of his hand. Contrary to what my arm did by obeying gravity though, his hand lifted even further when he reached up and touched my cheek. When I didn't pull away, he stepped closer and apparently waited for my heart to go into cardiac arrest before doing anything. He smiled again, and I remember the absolute lack of the feeling of wanting to run away. Man or woman, the special feeling you get around that special someone is the same. When I realised this, I smiled as well and slowly but surely met him halfway.
I can describe it, because I still have that same feeling every time our lips meet. It's a tingling feeling that goes from my lips all the way down to my toes that tells me I want to be with him. I'd never thought that way of a man before but in the end it's all just about the person, isn't it? If it weren't for a rude interruption by some other drunks, which had prompted for Kakashi to put his mask back on, I would've gone with him without hesitation. But it had ended in a "See you again tomorrow." and all I did was wave him off and shut down my brain, 'cos by the Gods I don't remember to this day how I got home.
I pushed back some tears when I thought about it again. I actually can't imagine, after all these months, a life without him. Still I said those words... I said those stupid, stupid words.
I got mad at him for something I'd gotten mad at him before. He always leaves for missions without saying a word. Every night I'd sleep with him I had to question if I wouldn't wake up alone. I'd addressed this before, but it had never changed. Well, I had gotten notes on the nightstand... but that doesn't actually compensate for the lack of your beloved next to you, now does it?
I'd gotten mad over it again when I woke up in an empty bed three weeks ago. Three weeks! All that time he'd been gone and I had no idea where he was. Nobody ever had a clue as to where he was off to, and few people actually knew we were together, so all I heard from the hokage was that he'd be back soon. It was this afternoon that I'd learned from his arrival back at Konoha after he'd tapped my window. Of course I'd let him in, but I'd also had plenty of time to worry and get angry with him about his behaviour.
'Where the hell've you been this time?' I stepped back when he pulled down his mask and wanted to close in to kiss me.
'On a mission, where else?' Sensing the tense situation, he stayed where he was.
'Why, thank you for informing me of this again!'
'This issue again? I'm telling you, I can't inform anyone of where I go, I'm sorry, but not even you!'
'I'm not asking you for directions, I'm just asking for a simple wake-up call or some kind of warning that I'll be waking up alone! Three weeks, Kakashi! I don't even know if I'll ever see you again and you leave every time without saying anything!'
'I will never leave your side without noting you if I have the idea the mission might kill me!'
'It can always kill you Kakashi, we're ninja. We risk our lives, it's what we do!'
'Don't panic over this so friggin' much! I'm still alive after all this time, aren't I?'
'Why can't you understand how frustrating this is for me?'
'You're being unreasonable about this Iruka! I do enough already!'
'I know how much you do, but this is more important than that!'
'You're saying this stupid issue is more important than what I do when I'm actually here?' He grabbed one of my arms that had been waving about wildly, but all I did was glare at him when he'd done that. I forcefully removed my wrist from his grip. At that point I'd felt so misunderstood by the one closest to me, that I actually said it. Not even in response to what he said before, but just uttered the feeling inside me.
'I hate you.' I'd looked him directly in his eyes when I said, and I noticed the intensity with which I'd relayed that message. The silence had grown heavy as we both stood there. In my agitated state, I was too stubborn to take it back, even though I felt like I had to through the tears I felt welling up in my eyes. I saw how his facial expression had changed from angry to hurt. His eyebrows drew up and his mouth closed as I slowly started to realise just what I had just said.
Within a second he'd already lifted his mask over his mouth again and said "Goodbye" as he turned around and left the same way he'd entered my house. I had almost been able to see the tears in his eyes. What had I done?
I still didn't know why. I'd been taught when I was a kid that a person is not his actions, nor is someone just his feelings. The person you are is underneath all those actions. The person you are is the reason why you do what you do, it's the reason why you feel what you feel. I realised soon after our fight that I hadn't meant those three words - I had meant everything else though - I didn't hate Kakashi, I just hated how he left me alone every time and just cast me aside when he had a mission to do. What did I mean to him? It made me doubt his feelings for me, and it was also that feeling that I hated.
It was a little late to take it back now, wasn't it? I looked at the alarm clock next to my bed and saw the light flicker at 2.35. I had barely moved since midnight, hadn't I? If I wanted to explain everything to Kakashi, then I was the one who had to make the move. He wouldn't come here after what I said.
'But if I want to go there I actually have to stand up, stupid legs!' I ordered my limbs to untangle and slowly pushed myself off the bed to wash up a little before going out. I wouldn't be able to sleep without Kakashi next to me. I felt too guilty and anxious to do that. I need to apologise for those three words and have an adult conversation with the man I love about what's bothering me, not some stupid teenage meltdown. I hope I can still reach him...
'I'm sorry...' I shouldn't have been so rash, nobody deserves to feel the way I made Kakashi feel. I need to fix this as soon as possible to get us both out of this hurting state of emotion.
I didn't get far. I'd intended to disappear from the face of the Earth when I'd heard Iruka say those words, but I'd stopped as soon as I'd jumped back on the roof of the building across the street of where the man lived. Who am I kidding? My house isn't a home if I don't feel Iruka there with me one way or the other. I wouldn't be able to get any comfort there.
I sighed deeply as I resided to this notion and sat myself down on that roof. Making sure I was out of direct sight of Iruka. Why was this a big deal? Why was it that one thing that hurt Iruka so much that he prompted to say something so… painful. I'm not a fool, I know it has to be something big if he reacts so extreme. Was it really just me not saying anything, or does he feel I don't care about him when I do that? He shouldn't be such an idiot. I've made it perfectly clear by now that I love him for who he is. How could that be a problem?
I sneaked a peek at his window for a moment, but I wasn't able to catch a glimpse of him. I really wished Iruka wouldn't be so roundabout about such things. This really had never been about leaving a message, that's what's been irritating me all this time about it and stops me from actually listening to his plight.
'What's hurting you so bad that you can't name it, Iruka-sensei?' I want to reach you, I don't want to make you hate me.
I'd stayed on that roof for another hour or so before walking back to my house. In the end I couldn't make myself go back to Iruka's home so soon, even if it hurt me to stay away from him in this situation. We both needed our time to process one thing or the other. It wouldn't do to just barge right back in there. Perhaps I could go back there later tonight when I feel the time is right.
'Kakashi-sensei!' I cringed as I heard a loud voice calling my name, but answered cheerily nonetheless as I turned around towards Sasuke.
'Sasuke-kun, long time no see.' The boy stopped several feet away from me.
'I should be the one to say that. Had a successfull mission?'
'Mah, as successfull as was possible. You've gotten some time off?' I shuffled a little nervously. Normally I had no trouble at all walking away from small talks like this when I didn't feel like it, why hadn't I done so already?
'I'm going away again tomorrow, B-rank with Naruto.'
'Right. How've you two been doing?'
'Everything alright between you and Iruka-sensei?' I was a little stumped that Sasuke noticed something odd so quickly and also immediately pinpointed the problem so accurately. In the small second of my silent astonishement, he continued.
'No-one but him makes you behave differently, I know you long enough to know that. I'll be at Ichiraku's for a while with my dobe, but I don't have to warn you of Naruto's lack of subtlety, do I?' We both laughed a bit nervously, thinking back on several awkward situations the boy'd caused with that loud mouth of his.
'Thank you for the offer either way. I'll just head home for now.' We nodded our goodbyes and I watched him walk off towards the Ramen stand. I was left thinking things over for a second. One thing had become very clear in the small amount of words Sasuke'd said. I didn't need to talk to someone to know what I needed to do for Iruka and I to get things right again and more stable than ever. The only thing was, was that this thing was probably gonna take a couple of hours and I really want to get this out of the way as soon as possible. I can't live with the feeling that I'd live a life with Iruka hating me instead of loving me. I've never been so sure about someone in my life as with him. He's such a beautiful person, and I don't want him to think I don't see that.
Alright, so gathering my courage to go apologise for saying those three words was taking longer than I thought. I'd also thought it wise to calm down a little about the whole situation so I wouldn't snap at him immediately again. This was taking time, though. I saw the alarm blinking 3.15 by now and I sighed at my inability to go through with this.
'It'll hurt more if you don't go, baka-Iruka.' It couldn't actually get any worse, now could it? … Yes it could. Kakashi might say the same thing about me by now.
I sighed again at the stallling I was obviously doing by putting on some tea… again. Tea, a shower, short mediation, tea again, perhaps it was best I finally got dressed and head over there. Knowing the man, he was most likely still awake, even if these were unusual circumstances. So I let the teapot for what it was and left the kitchen to get some decent clothes. Either way it was going to go tonight, tomorrow morning would be hell with my students, wouldn't it? I laughed at myself as I could already see myself blundering everything up…
##
Good, the light was still on. That meant at the very least he was at home and awake. I had to admit, even after all the preperations this evening, I wasn't exactly without anxiety sitting here. I was afraid Iruka'd really meant those words, even though I knew it was practically impossible that he'd been serious about it.
'Suck it up Kakashi.' If I want to stand for what I love, I have to go in there. I sighed deeply once before jumping over there and stayed in the windowsill for a second, as to not surprise him too much with the sudden visit.
'Iruka-sensei?' I almost whispered, but got no response whatsoever. When I looked around a bit more I saw he wasn't in his bedroom. I set one foot in the room, soon followed by the other, and stood there for a second, just gathering my courage some more. I really didn't want to go look for him, I just wanted this to be solved as soon as possible. Perhaps he was in the kitchen?
I was slowly starting to find the strength to make my legs walk over there. Passing a lot of memories on the way. It had only been a couple of months, but it already felt like there'd never been another time, I can't imagine a life without him in it anymore. That's why it was a relief that when I shortly glanced to my right, the picture of the two of us was still intact. He hadn't given in to rage just yet, it seemed.
'Iruka?' I repeated his name when I opened the kitchen door, but he wasn't there either. He certainly was somewhere in this apartment, else he wouldn't have hot water boiling right now, nor would there be a hot cup of tea waiting on the counter. Where was the man himself, though? Bathroom then? But I didn't hear any water flowing, just the slow dripple from the faucet. Why was it so silent when it was obvious he was home? I decided to close my eyes and tried to find the faintest of sounds in this silence.
It was in that moment that I heard some shuffling behind me and turned around in an instant when that shuffle turned into a jump and attack from behind. Instinctively I raised my hand to block it. Then I saw it was Iruka himself that had attacked me. I could see the same amount of surprise in his eyes.
##
'Iruka! Calm down, it's me!' He lowered his mask to make this perfectly clear.
'Kakashi? What are you..?' As soon as I realised it was the man in question, I retreated my kunai for a second. I still felt anxious, though.
'I've come to clear something up, don't worry.' At those words I instantly went on guard again and raised my weapon wielding arm, even though Kakashi'd said it in an apologetic manner. I didn't understand myself anymore. Why was I doing this when I was about to go over to him myself to apologise? When had I become so agressive towards him? Why did this stupid feeling hurt so bad that I couldn't do anything but raise a kunai to it! I saw the hurt look in his eyes when I'd raised this weapon again, but with just a little more silence, I wouldn't have the strength myself anymore to raise any kind of defense.
'Why the hell have you come back here?'
It hurt that bad, didn't it? Even now he's raising arms against me, after all this time to think this over? He really hated me then? The feeling of this little fact hurt too much. If it really was true and I had screwed up and hurt him too much then… then… I saw he was about to say something but I didn't let him. I was finally able to raise my arm, and I saw the look of confusion on his face when I softly grabbed hold of his wrist and moved it a little so it would point at my throat.
'Aim it right here.' If you really hate me, then please kill me Iruka, I can't live with the pain otherwise…
##
I couldn't believe he'd just said that… What was I doing? I'm not one to hurt people and certainly not to this extent that they'd rather be dead. I… I… I was being so incredibly selfish! While I was only thinking of my own feelings, I hadn't fully realised the damage I'd caused with this man I loved…
'I love you too much to bear with the feeling that you hate me.'
I felt the kunai slipping from my hand as these words entered my mind as well. Of course I was mad at him for leaving every time without any idea of if I'll ever see him again. But one thing was absolutely sure: if I'd go on like this, I'd certainly never see him again, and that wasn't something I wanted to live with.
As soon as I noticed the tears slowly starting to trickle down my cheeks, I also noticed Kakashi's grip on my wrist was as good as gone by now, and by the time I got to look in his eyes and saw that disbelief in his eyes… I gave up. I let my stupid defense go and threw myself into his arms. That's all I wanted, just to have those arms around me, and never be forced to let him go. But I'd have to learn to live with him being gone a lot, didn't I? I curled my fists into his jacket when he started talking again.
'Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere without you.' I wasn't the only one trembling.
'That's all I wanted to hear, stupid.' He turned his head a little to kiss my cheek, and he lingered in that position for a while. Letting me cry out these tears while I felt his warm breath grazing the side of my face. I felt the elevated heartbeat in his chest while I was so closely pressed against him. I don't want to make you so scared of being alone either, Kakashi.
'If you're up to it, I have a present waiting for you in the forest.' I raised my head at those soft, whispered words and let go of him a little to be able to look at him.
'…Present?' When did he… what did he do in the woods? … was that why he came by himself? … then why so late… why…?
'If you're done fretting over it in there, want to come along to find out?' He ticked my forehead like I was a little child being corrected, and I glared at him for it, but apparently unsuccessfully as I saw he held back a laugh.
'I'm not fretting about it! I was just… curious…'
'You were fretting. But that doesn't matter, I know you do that all the time and I know it's nothing to worry about. Coming along then?' I could still see the insecurity in his eyes. I had really put him through a lot for just one day, hadn't I? I put my own feelings aside for this moment and nodded a smile to reassure him. He then put his mask back on and told me to follow him. What on Earth was I in for? What was he about to give me as a present to make up for my selfish fight? "If it's hurting you, then it's not selfish to let it out and work on it, Iruka-kun." … a lot had been drilled into my mind when I was a kid, hadn't there?
I stopped just outside the gate. We hadn't said anything on the way there, and I looked around at Iruka to see if he really was still there. When I got a questioning look back, I just walked on to where my proof stood of what I felt. If my current actions weren't enough, then this was the only other thing I could think of to prove my feelings for him were real. My heart was pumping in my chest though, as we approached the site, about half a mile from the village. As soon as it started to get in sight, I heard Iruka faltering in his pace a little. I looked behind me to see if everything was stilll alright. But there was just a split second between him looking up at it and him half running to the place. I followed his footsteps and stopped right behind him. I looked with him over his shoulder in silence for a second as I tried to feel out the reaction Iruka was having to this.
'I dragged Yamato back from a nearby mission for this. Was it worth it?' I lay my hands lightly on his hips. It had taken the entire afternoon to get the man back here. Then it had taken the entire evening to get it to this state and make it up to him by filing his mission report. Not that Yamato'd been in any condition to actually raise an arm - much less a pen - after all of this…
Iruka left my touch as he walked down the path a little to assess the present as a whole. He stopped a few steps away.
'This is…'
'Not too corny?' My heart was beating at a slightly faster rate as an opinion from the receiver was taking its time to reach my ears. I reached up to pull my mask down again, wondering why I still had it on.
'It's our very own trip down memory lane with a landmark to make up for each time I left you alone in our bed.' He looked back at me but still didn't say a word.
'Please say something Iruka, I'm bursting here.' He opened his mouth, but it took another couple of seconds before words actually came out of there.
'Even the first time I got you a thank you gift? We weren't even together back then…'
'Well, I had to make up for a lot of times, didn't I?' I walked towards him when I noticed he was happy with what I did for him. But even though it all started to feel lighter, my heart kept beating like mad. With Yamato's help, I'd recreated places that had meant something to me and Iruka in the past. From the very first time we went somewhere together to the first time he let me into his heart and beyond.
When I entered Iruka's reach, he reached up and lay his hand on my cheek like I'd done the first time we kissed. The moment he looked in my eyes when he did that told me he really hadn't wanted to say or do what he did. He really just hadn't been able to help it, had he? I smiled as I lay my hand on top of his, and leaned in a little to kiss him on the lips this time. It didn't last very long,
'Wait… so Yamato knows every little detail about our relationship now?' He said with my lips still attached to his. I grinned apologetically as I pulled back, but when I saw that scowling, embarrassed face I couldn't help but laugh at it.
'Well… not every little detail.' I could see the offendness in his stature, but he couldn't make himself pull through on it. Instead, he just turned around and started walking to see what other memories had been recreated from the past. We stopped regularly to discuss what had happened, slowly but surely the mood was getting better between us. The first and only silence happened when we reached the most recent enscenation. He looked at it, and back at me with a questioning look on his face again.
'The moment I realised a world without you was something that didn't exist for me.' It was the scene from this afternoon, with sculptures of us in the fight. I saw the apology in his eyes. But I didn't want pity, what I wanted was next to this final mark of memory lane. I grabbed his hand and led him to that open field. There was a beautiful clearing, also created by Yamato, where the most important moment lay.
'…what?' Iruka asked when I stopped and also started to hold his other hand as I looked at him.
'This… is you and me now. I…' had a little trouble getting the right words out… 'I don't want the memories to end here, Iruka. I know you have trouble with people leaving you alone since you were a kid, even though you won't admit it.' I added the last part when I saw him shaking his head slightly.
'But I remember each moment I'm with you, I don't want to remember each time I have to leave you for a mission, that's why I never say goodbye.' He shook his head again.
'I don't want to either, but it hurts more when you don't say anything.'
'…and it hurt me the most when you said you hated me, Iruka. Please tell me you didn't mean it, 'cos I don't want to say goodbye.' He looked away for a second, that made me scared.
'… Don't be such an idiot, Kakashi, of course I don't hate you, I love you. As you see beautifully portrayed a couple of stages back down this lane.' I felt some tension leaving my body as I noticed the vice grip I'd apparently had on his hands was weakening.
'I wanted to come over tonight myself to apologise for those words. But I mean it when I say I can't take it anymore when you disappear into the night like that.'
'I'll stop doing that if it's what it takes to get to the real problem behind it.' He looked back up at me, but didn't backtalk. I saw it in his eyes that he understood it as well as I did that there was a bigger issue behind all of this.
'I love you too Iruka, please let me in there to go through this together.' I let one of his hands go to lay it on his chest, over his heart.
'Of course, you big idiot. You didn't have to make all of this just to say that.'
'But it is a masterpiece, isn't it?' I smiled a bit more lightheartedly when I got that response.
'Will it stay here, though? It's beautiful but I'd hate for someone to accidentally run into… our personal life.'
'Haha, don't worry, this will be down my sunrise. I made Yamato make a beautiful miniature as a souvenir.' I pointed next to last scene and saw Iruka's embarassment over it all, but I enjoyed seeing that face so much.
'That's going to your house.'
'I hadn't expected any differently.' The moment he looked back he reached up and kissed me again.
##
That tingling feeling won't ever disappear with you, Kakashi. Whatever I have to work through to be with you, I'll do it. Just for moments like this.