Author's Note: I found a couple Male!Hawke/Fenris fics on my computer that I wrote a year and a half ago and will be posting them periodically.
Stay
Fenris didn't know how long he lingered in Hawke's doorway, hand pressed against the frame while he mustered the will to take the next step. Hawke had barely left his room since his mother's death and everyone was starting to get worried. Especially him.
"I don't know what to say, but I am here."
Hawke barely looked at him, and in that brief moment of silence Fenris braced himself for the dismissal that was sure to come. He'd leave, of course, if that was what Hawke wanted.
"Just say something. Anything."
Anything. That left too many options, and they all vanished like mist when he tried to grab them. Another step forward, and the first thought he had tumbled clumsily past his lips like stones.
"They say that death is only a journey. Does that help?" Of course it wouldn't; it sounded ridiculous as soon as he said it. But it must have provided some degree of comfort to Hawke because he didn't completely dismiss it. He just sat there, his gaze vacant and fixated on the fireplace.
"I suppose they say you go back to the Maker when you die," Hawke finally said.
"I've heard that, too." Fenris sat next to him, shifting uncomfortably at their proximity in a place that held too many emotions for him. "To be honest, I don't think there's much point in filling these moments with empty talk." Hawke nodded again with that distant look. The silence that followed was empty and Fenris was unsure if Hawke wanted him to leave or not. This close, he could see the full extent of Leandra's death in his friend's face. Hawke's stubble, normally kept trim and in check, was longer and unruly. His eyes were bloodshot and framed in dark rings, his long dark hair knotted from days of neglect. "You haven't slept."
"Of course I haven't slept," he snapped, though it had little bite to it. "I can't…Every time I close my eyes I see her." He squeezed his eyes shut as if to block out the horrors of memory. His voice shook when he spoke again. "What that monster did to her."
Hawke was unraveling right before his eyes and it unnerved him. The witty, self-assured man he normally saw was slipping away. And this lack of sleep was only making him fray faster, and he feared there was nothing he could do to stop that. "I'm sorry."
Hawke looked up at him, the unspoken request visible in his eyes. Fenris had to look away towards the fire. He knew what he wanted, he just wasn't sure if he could give him that. But the fact that Hawke didn't ask him even now, that he still respected his decision from that night, gave him an ounce of courage to say what he had to next.
"You want me to stay here tonight."
Hawke shook his head. "I know you're not comfortable with it."
Fenris was silent for a moment. If he backed out now, apologized to Hawke again for his loss, and left, he doubted that Hawke would blame him. The others no doubt knew that their relationship was tentative at best and wouldn't say anything if he walked out and said Hawke wanted to be alone.
Except he would know that he left the person he cared most about in this world alone at such a dark time, and he couldn't live with himself knowing that. He couldn't leave him now.
He rose from the bed. "Lay down, Hawke," he said, gently nudging him to lay back before removing the armor from his chest and shoulders.
Hawke's eyes widened for a moment before he tried to sit up again. "That's not what I meant, Fenris."
"You don't expect me to sleep in my armor, do you?" he said, a ghost of a smile crossing his face. Hawke stared at him for a moment before it clicked with him and he settled back into the bed, curled to one side.
The empty side of the bed called to him, mocked him for his earlier cowardice while inviting to make up for that. He could crawl in beside Hawke, be there when he wakes up as he should have been that first night. But he couldn't do that. Not yet.
Instead, he pulled up one of the chairs beside Hawke's side of the bed.
"Thank you," he murmured.
Fenris listened as Hawke's breathing evened out and he drifted into an uneasy sleep. Even in sleep, his friend still looked haunted. The chair was still too far away, so he moved it closer, ultimately to reach out and take Hawke's hand. Fenris would stay up all night for him, just so he wouldn't have to face his nightmares alone.