Alone. I am constantly alone and afraid. I don't know my right from left or what I want in this world. I am, essentially, a mess.
He told me this was going to happen. He said I didn't deserve to be on my own. I should've believed him. Wow, I'm so stupid… I've been alone so long.. So alone and so cold. I am…. No one.
Yet, I am everyone. I hear their voices in my head, screaming at me. We need money, we need food, we need water, we need… That's all we ever say. We need… I'm getting so tired of them. Can't they go away? Why didn't I listen…?
If I would've listened, none of this would be my problem… It'd all be his… Why did I leave? Why?
Oh well… Such is my life. Alone… Cold and alone… That's my problem… I always lead people astray. Cast them aside, as if they're not important… But they're the most important things in my life… Oh God, what's happened to me…? How did I become this? When did I merge into this never-ending fool? What have I done?
Everyone I love is gone. They've abandoned me and left me to die. Alone… Afraid…
I don't seem alone. I don't seem afraid. That's the best part of being me. I can fake people out and tell them I'm fine, when on the inside I'm ready to crumble, to fall apart and never be seen again. I'm ready to give up to them, to submit to their pleads of power.
I'm ready to sign away my everything… I'm so far underneath my troubles that I could care less about my people anymore… That's what started all this… Listening to my people… What a stupid idea…
I'm almost completely sold to the enemy, the one thing I told myself and my people that I wouldn't give anything to.. I'm so far beneath his power that with a snap of his finger I could go under and no longer be the acclaimed World Power. He would take over my land and my people and then he would take over the rest of the world.
He could easily do it… Anyone could. Even Sealand could, the little bastard. Everyone's more powerful than I am now… I'm weak, small, irrelevant… I'm barely alive… Barely hanging on.
The knife in my hand proves it. The blood pouring from my veins secures my fate. I want to leave this world. Who's going to save me? Who's going to be my hero?
No one. Not him or my people. Not them or their money. No one can save me now. Black spots are clouding my vision and my hand is shaking. Perfect…
Can countries die like this? I hope so. That would be hilarious, if they found my body like this, a pool of blood around me and my journal. My last words of self-loathing forever recorded.
The bleeding stopped. The blood remains. It's beautiful… The eerie pool of maroon. If I look deep enough into the abyss I can see my certain demise.
I cut my other wrist this time. Maybe I'll bleed out before they come… But who's coming?
No one. No one cares if I die or not. No one cares if I shoot myself in my back yard. No one cares if I die. Not one fucking person.
The bleeding stopped again. God dammit! I just want to die… That's all I want to do… I can't take this world anymore. I can't take this…
He called. He called for the first time in months. I didn't answer because I was too weak to get up. He left a message…
Fucking greedy bastard. For a split second I thought he called because he cared. I should've known. He called because he needed his money… FUCK your money you greedy bitch! Fucking asshole. Now I remember why I left his ass…
Why did I leave…? I bet if I wouldn't have left he wouldn't have been like this… It's all my fault. It's always my fault…
Everything's my fault. My economy, my debt… My natural disasters… It's all because of me… Everyone hates me.
Everyone.
I hope this gun will do a better job than the knives… A quick blow to the head. That'll do.
Since this will most likely work, I'm saying my goodbyes to everyone now. I wonder when they'll find me…
Probably never, since no one has visited me in years… What a great family, right?
To Mattie: I'm sorry, I should've listened and told you that I loved you more. I should've paid attention to you and I shouldn't have forgotten you. I'm so sorry that I made you hate me.
To Arthur: I'm sorry, I should've waited for my independence. I should've stopped and listened to you and what you were saying. I can't believe what I did… I'm the reason you hate me. I'm so sorry.
To Francis: Thanks for your help. You were as much a dad to me as Arthur was, except without the back stabbing. I'm sorry our people don't get along well. Maybe that will change once I'm gone.
To Yao: Fuck you, you communist asshole. Fuck. You.
So here goes. One bullet. One brain. Goodbye world. Please God let this work, or else I'll have one hell of a head ache… Goodbye.
Sincerely,
Alfred F. Jones
The United States of America