Phonos
by Otte, who seems incapable of writing oneshots on purpose

Chapter I
Freeze

It was getting harder to breath. The air was thin, the frost was biting at her fingers and her toes, the never-ending expanse of pure, unforgiving snow was gnawing away at her self-confidence, and familiar, horrible doubts set in. Nobody would help her now, would they? She would just freeze to death out here, freeze to death with only the knowledge that she had tried to comfort herself with. With a gasp for air, she stumbled, barely able to lift her legs out of the thick, piling snow and almost cried out at the sudden burst of pain slicing across her back, through her pale skin and drawing blood that seemed blistering hot against her skin in the cold, unforgiving winter blizzard.

Groaning and trying to lift herself up, knees planted in the snow, she looked around for any sort of salvation, the wind battering against her face and trying to topple her over. In that instant, it felt as if she was alone in this entire world. She and no-one else stood in this endless, lonesome expanse of sadistic ice and sky. She felt tears cloud her eyes – oh god, not now – as the weight of a seemingly empty, uncaring world seemed to crash down upon her head and crush her beneath its weight.

She unsteadily attempted to get to her feet but the wind was too much and she fell to her side, the cold stinging and burning her bare skin and she felt about ready to let go of the stubborn will that had brought her this far and let the blizzard consume her, body and soul. Sobs shook her bony body and tears clouded her dark eyes, as the loneliness shredded her stomach, and she just wanted to stop. The idea of having to get up and walk more and fight more made her sob out even louder, huge, unrestrained tears rolling down her bony cheeks. Yet at the same time, if she didn't fight until the bitter end, she'd never forgive herself. More importantly, they wouldn't forgive her either.

She had to prove herself. If she failed, they'd hate her. If she dropped to her knees and died without trying, they'd hate her and she'd have deserved her death. She had to…try. She had to, she had to try and make them love her at least. Her own flaws flashed before her eyes. All the horrible things she had done, all the things she'd done wrong and all the people she'd disappointed. She had promised. This…with this…she just couldn't fail.

The snow was clinging to her eyelashes and everything was becoming fuzzy and unclear.

She had promised to become the best; they'd all believed that she would find it. She would bring 52 back. That's what she had promised. Nobody else understood it, nobody else had been willing to help. She remembered the day 52 had been born, as clear as it was happening right before her eyes. They'd all been proud. She had felt…happy. She had felt loved. She had felt…like she had something to offer.

Was she on the ground or still standing? She couldn't even tell. Oh God. It was so hard to breathe.

Her parents, upon learning the progress she'd made, had smiled at her. They'd complimented her. For once in her life, she had had worth. She had merit. She meant something to somebody. Anybody.

Something intangible hung in front of her eyes. Blurred, barely visible…she wasn't even sure if it was real, she wasn't even sure if she was dead or alive. Perhaps it was…a Pokemon. But then again…she couldn't really be sure. It could be just her own delusion. It faded in and out of view, spots forming in her eyes clouding her view and she couldn't even pick out of the colours of it. All the same, it reminded her of something. Something so familiar that seemed to fit right in place beside her, but at that same time

"Phonos."

A voice. Somewhat familiar. A firm voice that spoke of confidence, of strength and of anything that she just couldn't get a hold of no matter what she thought. In that instantly, bold and uncharacteristic fury flared in her chest and she caught her breath in her throat in surprise. A disembodied voice had all the characteristics she desired, no, needed. The characteristics she tried to fake, everything that was dangled in front of her in tiny little scraps, in order to make her jump through hoops like the attention-starved puppy she was.

She hated it for it. She wanted to scream and kick and hurt whatever source this voice was coming from. Phonos cursed herself for her weakness, for how wretched and pathetic she was. Most of all, for never letting herself be so weak, nothing but the failure, the defect and the imperfection that she was.

"Phonos…you let it all happen, didn't you?"

She agreed with the voice. Or this thing that was floating about nearby. She didn't even know what was going on any more, and she could barely form one coherent thought to defend herself with. The logic she had hid behind as a shield for a huge part of her life had been shattered, and shameful tears burst through, as if a dam had been broken, and Phonos' own self-loathing blazed, singeing away anything and everything in it's eager gluttony to consume and destroy.

"You…"

It was the sudden trembling in the voice that inspired fear, fear of something that was far beyond the reach of her comprehension and it instilled in her a basic, primitive instinct. Fight or flight. As the paralysis spread throughout her body, she wasn't sure either were options.

"Will you ever understand what you were given?"

She opened her mouth to retort, but all that came out was a low howl of sheer pain, of anger and fear and sadness and every emotion in between. It was like a child's cry, something that was such pure emotion, with no complications of rationality or socially taught restraint – it was a sound she had never heard in a human adult make and as she screamed, she started to drift, feeling as if the sound she was making wasn't coming from her own mouth.

The sound was something no human being should make.

Then again, she wasn't a human being. And perhaps, for once, she should give up pretending that she is. Maybe the games had gone on long enough.

Her mind began to wander deliriously, the snow and the intangible figure fading from view. Without warning, entirely without her consent and despite herself, one phrase was burning through her mind, something she wished with all her heart that she couldn't remember:

"Subject V-Twenty is showing progress."

The first thing in her life she could ever remember were those excited words, coming from the man she considers her father. The man she stubbornly insists is her father, even if he has never said anything but to the contrary of it. Dr Howard Lester was a cold man, a distant man that only ever got excited about his work. About his progress. In truth, the man was little less than a sociopath and yet Phonos clung to his words. She had to insist on having a father. She had even considered Annie her sister. Teenaged, misanthropic Annie, who lost her temper with her too many times to count and beat the hell out of her if she dared called Dr Lester 'dad' in her presence.

Once again, she clung. She clung so tightly, despite knowing that it was killing her and stubbornly ignoring that Annie wished the other girl had never existed, wished that her father had never succeeded in making such a monstrosity.

If she could go back in time and change things…she wouldn't. She doubted that without the one-sided affection, without convincing herself that she was truly loved as a person and not as a project, Phonos' life would have flared out. That's what had been wrong with the others, she thought. They hadn't learned what a family was, and had never attempted to create a makeshift one for themselves. They had never tried to distort the reality of what they were, trying to fracture that in some way they were human, humans that were loved and would be missed as a person if they were gone, not just be the cause of a bit of annoyance, disappointments and sighs of 'Oh well, back to the drawing board'.

She doubted she would ever stop playing pretend. Even twenty-three years down the line, she was still playing. She was still fooling herself into thinking that was something beyond a theory proven right.

She remembered being born in a secret, hidden place known as the Bane Institute of Pokemon Genetics. She remembered the sudden rush, how all the lights, thing she had seen before, seemed to come into focus and she became aware of her own existence, the sudden rush of consciousness had made her want to shriek in pain, she remember it clearly. She remembered the sudden awareness of herself, the numbness that had been in her body all her life suddenly bursting into sudden pain, and it was a wonderful sort of pain. She remembered it all calming down and then the passive, unknowing life she had known was gone.

Her birth was another thing she had tried to forget, after learning that no human beings could remember their birth. For all her pathetic endeavours, she remembered it as clearly as she remembered the day before, as every moment she ever had was stored into her memory – perfect down to the last details, down to the number of buttons on a persons coat or every tiny little thought she had had or any emotion that she had had to fight the urge of acting upon. Every little regret she had ever had was burned into her memory, no matter how hard she tried to fight it.

Sometimes, she felt as if her birth had been one monumental, inerasable regret. It pained her, it physically pained her at times, that this huge well of remorse existed at the very beginning of her life and there was nothing she could do to wipe it away.

That's why humans forget things. It makes life easier. Having every moment in your life stored away in your mind, to be perused on a conscious or unwanted whim in perfect accuracy…it hurt. It wasn't normal.

Neither was her birth. True, she had 'mother' holding her and her 'family' crowding around getting excited over everything she had, every little movement she made. Despite this, there was no affection. Only self-indulgent pride, pats on the back, various people nodding in approval, the scribbling of notes and scientists congratulating themselves on a job well done and letting their chests swell with pride at having created something so perfect. So perfect.

She had looked up at the sterile white walls. She had looked across at the strange, beaming faces making all that noise. Then she had done something they had never expected this baby to do.

She had cried.

It was from there, everything had plummeted into chaos, into misery, into lies. If she had never cried like a human baby, if she had stayed still and empty like all the other experiments…if she hadn't been born with a soul, perhaps things would have happened differently. She wouldn't have tried to be a real human, she wouldn't have tried to be a real Pokemon…she would never have even thought of being anything beyond what she was born as. She would never have thought it conceivable.

They hadn't expected this. None of the other experiments at their lab had cried, or laughed, or any emotion that a human being was capable of, and so very often took for granted. It was in that instant that it all became obvious – something was wrong. Their perfect specimen had humanity. It was imperfect and flawed.

Later on, Phonos would realise that perhaps Dad would have simply had her written off as a failed attempt, and that she may have never lived past that moment if not for "mother's" protests at the specimen being destroyed. Subconsciously, Phonos had then registered Dr Tsume as her mother, as her protector. She didn't realise the selfish reasoning then. She didn't realise that all Dr Tsume wanted to do was experiment on her soul, and see if it could be destroyed or cloned or manipulated in any way. That was all Phonos had inspired in her, and she didn't care if Phonos was destroyed through trying to discover more about her unprecedented interest.

At that time, all Phonos cared about was that she had a mother. She had somebody to keep her alive and somebody to live for. Dr Tsume was her mother, and Dr Lester was her father, and soon in her life Annie Lester would become her appointed sister. The parents barely knew each other, the sister hated her, and the familial feelings weren't mutual or welcome but Phonos refused to accept anything else. It was her reality and she wouldn't let anybody take it away from her, as unhealthy as it may be.

Author's Notes: Apologies about this to anybody who's been reading this and hoping for the next part! I've just decided to give up on keeping it to two parts and split the first part into chapters to make it more accessible. I think this'll mean I'll get more of the second part up quicker. Reviews are appreciated.