18 March 1968
There is so much about me that nobody understands, or possibly could. I wish I could explain myself but some things are just too much of a challenge to even try to articulate.
So many people assume that because (despite being really, really short for my gender) I'm considered extraordinarily good looking, attract girls like crazy, and have absolutely no problem talking to women that I'm some sort of ... playboy (I think that's the word I'm looking for…)? I'm the go-to guy for pointers on how to make it with girls. What nobody understands is that I'm probably the last guy they should go to for that kind of advice because truth be told, I have no earthly idea myself.
Yes, dear diary, I am admitting, for the first time, that I'm a virgin. That's a fact about me that would shock damn near everyone who knows me. I'm concerned, because I'm 22 years old and I've never had a relationship with a girl last more than a few weeks. Most of my guy friends think I'm living the life- I've been on loads of dates with a staggering variety of girls- all beautiful, sexy, delightful creatures that in my opinion are all quite out of my league. What my friends don't understand is that nothing ever happens with these girls. I've never come anywhere close to having sex with a single one and it's because something clearly is wrong with me.
Don't get me wrong. I love women and I find them attractive. They're soft, they smell good, and I see myself in a lasting relationship with one eventually. I hope. I want nothing more than to find a really nice girl that I can eventually marry and have a family with. That's the ultimate goal for me. Considering what I'm doing for a living that may not even seem sensible but I always figured I'd make it work. Loads of other people do. Dr. McNeill pointed this out to me.
Dr. McNeill was the one who wanted me to start this journal. I've been seeing him for several months now because of the anxiety I'm having over my inability to sustain a romantic relationship with a woman. Closest I've come is with Vanessa Russell, who I dated 3 years ago- only for her to meet a more strait-laced guy and of course tell me that she liked me but she didn't see us going anywhere. In other words, the thing that always seems to happen with girls and the reason why...well… you know.
I've no problem getting close to people. That was the first discussion Dr. McNeill and I had. I've always gotten on well with nearly everybody. My grandfather and I are on quite good terms; my sisters and I adore each other. I have loads of friends both back home in Manchester and here in the States. I've never had problems making friends- people seem to like me and I certainly like them.
I get along very well with my band mates, well enough for us to share a house for three years now without any of us actually killing each other (although sometimes it's tempting… we're all actually very different from each other despite all being long haired weirdoes.) Mike, of course, seems to have delegated the leadership role to himself- and the rest of us seem to be fine with that. Mike seems to fit both the classic alpha male stereotype and that of the introvert. He's very good at making decisions, especially the important ones, in a timely fashion. So far I've not had any reason to disagree with the results. He also needs to spend quite a lot of time alone. I can actually sympathise- granted, I need much less alone time to cope with life but again, we're all so different from each other. Takes all kinds, I guess is the most apt saying that applies to our situation. And do we ever have variety in our 'Pad'.
Micky, of course, is our only local (Mike was raised by an aunt in Texas- the eccentric part, judging from my only visit there). His family lives a few miles away in the suburbs and has many, many times come to our aid. They treat all of us like part of their family- a comfort to those of us whose nearest and dearest live so far away. His mum is a fantastic cook and his dad is clever and witty. Two of his sisters still live at home, they're in high school. Lovely girls they are. A third is a student at UCLA.
Micky himself is a fun, fun guy- so fun I'm surprised he's still legal. He's a skilled dancer and he's clearly the best singer in our band. We're re-thinking the arrangement of our band because it doesn't make sense to have our most talented vocalist stuck behind a drum kit, especially since he's not even our best drummer at this juncture. Actually, the structure of our band was conceived several years ago, by our first manager Rudy. He conceived us as the 'next Beatles' and made some (erroneous) judgments as to personality and correlation. I actually was learning the drums when we took him on, but he said I would be practically invisible behind the kit (fair point to be certain, I'm shorter than the bloke who drums for The Who- but trust me, he's far from invisible). He'd envisioned me as sort of a pint-sized Paul McCartney, Mike as John Lennon of Texas, Micky as our wisecracking nutcase Ringo Starr, and Peter as… well, he's not actually got a lot in common with George, except that his abilities are underrated. Rudy didn't last long and now three years on we're finally starting to re-think the way we've been doing things. I'm all for Peter's suggestion of switching roles around- I've actually gotten quite good on the kit- even better than Micky by everyone's reckoning. Besides, the Beatles themselves have changed the way they do things- they stopped touring a couple of years ago and Sgt. Pepper just blew everybody's mind. The time's ripe for a revolution and although much of the newer rock isn't really my cup of tea, I'd say this is still a very exciting time to be in a rock and roll band.
Look at how far I've meandered off subject. Good job this is a personal journal and 'stream of consciousness' is strongly encouraged.
Back to Micky- he's fun to hang out with. He's clever and very interested in how things work. He's got this habit of taking things apart just to see how they work. Fortunately he's usually good at putting them back together, at least well enough to where they work. Although the toaster incident… I think Mike's still a bit put out by that. The man is a maniac- not in the bad sense but his energy and enthusiasm levels are unmatchable. He is a fantastic idea man though- whatever trouble Mike can't force our way through can typically be addressed by Micky's ability to think outside the box- even if frequently it's so far out that you can't even find the box.
And then of course there's Peter. So many people have mistaken his patently obvious naiveté for stupidity. Next person to call him a dummy gets punched in the face, I swear. Yes, he's naïve, and his line of thinking isn't always easily understandable. Also, he's socially awkward and genuinely shy. But by no means is he stupid, nor does he lack people skills. Peter, in some ways, is much cleverer than the rest of us put together. The sheer quantity of books I've seen him read! In four years I've seen him read more than I think I've ever read in my entire life! Also, he has the advantages of a lot of proper musical training. He can actually read music. He also knows how to play quite a few instruments- he's the one who taught me and Micky how to play the drums. I love listening to him play- he's extraordinarily gifted. I chose to share a room with him because quite frankly neither Mike nor Micky were keen on it. I'm glad I did. Sure, he's a bit disorganized but he's so easy to get along with. He's shy but very laid-back. Doesn't like to quarrel, and is good about being empathetic without prying. Of my band mates he is definitely my favorite.
I'm finally starting to get sleepy. It's been a long day of rehearsals and gig hunting. Hopefully keeping this journal with some kind of regularity will help me find some answers to my questions. I'm tired of the constant disappointment of the consistently failed romances…