Ah, pt. 2 of the Funniship of the Ring, by Oddwen & Tweak. If you havenÕt read part 1, the Funniship of the Ring, you may not get this story.
Once again, when you review, I ask you to please tell us which character you like/hate the best. Thanks a lot and enjoy.



The Two Cowards. Book 1.
Or, In Which Boring Gets Off Easy After All.


Meanwhile, at the bottom of the hill, Arrogant, Wimpy, Legless, Mary and Piping were wondering where in the world Hoho and Boring had got to.
"Maybe they went to Mortar without us," said Piping hopefully.
Just then, Boring came walking down the hill. He looked at the companions carefully with some measure of fear in his eyes, and then he sat down a little apart from them.
"Rats," muttered Mary.
"Where have you been and where's Hoho?" asked Arrogant rudely.
Boring just looked at him with fear in his eyes and mouthed 'wart cream', whatever that meant.
"We need to look for Hoho to send him off to Mortar," said Legless.
"I say," said Wimpy, "That we should split up and look for him."
Mary sidled up to the unsuspecting daft.
"You aren't thinking of deserting now, Daft?" he whispered sadly in Wimpy's ear, with his hand on Wimpy's shoulder and gripping it like a vise that needed oiling. "I wouldn't like that, you know."
"We've got to look for him and send him off, before one of us has to go with him!" cried Piping. "Run, everyone!"
Everyone ran.
"Boring," shouted Arrogant before he ran off, "Find the two younger blobbits and see if you can send them off to Mortar with Hoho!"
Arrogant sped on up the hill. A quarter of the way up, he came upon Tom lounging at the base of a tree. As the man came closer, the blobbit jumped up and loudly shouted Hoho's name.
"C'mon!" wheezed Arrogant. "We've got to find Hoho!" He ran up the hill. Tom snickered and walked down the hill. As he got to the boat, he saw with horror that it was floating away.
"Hey!" he screamed. He ran as fast as he could to where the packs still were, and rummaged through until he found a rope. He quickly lassoed the boat and pulled it in. He was still wondering how it had gotten loose, when he felt a grip like iron on his neck.
"You've spoiled my plans," hissed a voice. "Now you're comin' with me."
"No!" croaked Tom squirming feebly, wiggling within the invisible grip like a rag on a string.
He was thrown to the ground, and suddenly Hoho appeared in front of him. He reached down and tried to grab Tom, but the other blobbit was too fast and rolled away.
"I'm not going!" Tom shouted. "I'll knock holes in the boat first!"
Hoho snarled and lunged, but the other blobbit got up and ran. Tom was almost away, when he was roped by the very rope he had just used. He struggled wildly, but his efforts were useless as Hoho reeled him in. Hoho threw Tom onto the boat, tossed on a few random backpacks, jumped in and with a howl of triumph shoved off down the river. He made his exuberant way to the other bank, and then gleefully hacked the boat to pieces and sent it down the river.
Then with a snort at the far bank, he hoisted Tom over his shoulder and made his way through the forest, and at last wound his way down into the foothills of the Depressed Mountains and towards the land of Shadow. (But it was only shadowy 'cause the sun went behind a cloud.)

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Arrogant struggled up the hill. Three quarters of the way up, he had almost decided to turn back, when suddenly he came upon what he reluctantly sought. Blobbits tramp along like drunken elephants, you see, and even squinting really hard, Arrogant could see the prints.
"Rats," he muttered, and bent to take a cautious look. It appeared to him that they were leading back to camp. He nervously followed them down to a slimy bog. Then over some tree roots that he didn't see until too late. And then they led through a flozzberry patch. Then, slimy, grimy, scratched and bruised, Arrogant stumbled back to camp. He lifted his tired eyes from his tortuous way to see Boring standing in disbelief, with a watery red substance dribbling down the front of his clothes.
"Boring!" gasped Arrogant.
Boring looked up with red, watery eyes. "Wahhh uh huh uh buh, water wahhh me WAHHHHHH!"
Arrogant grabbed his shoulders and shook vigorously. "Calm down!" he shouted smacking him across the head.
"Just give me a moment, for pity's sake!" panted Boring, "For the last 6 chapters it's been just one relentless huge long smacking and yelling fest. I think my voice is going out, too."
"Well," said Arrogant, "I don't think that you are going to have to worry much longer," he said looking at the red liquid on Boring.
"Oh this!" said Boring "I was drinking some cherry Kool-Aid and those Corcs came around and they were much bigger than me and they started pushing me around and laughing and they dumped my Kool-Aid on me!" he finished with a sob.
"There there now," said Arrogant, letting Boring cry on his shoulder. "Did they take Mary and Piping?"
"Y-y-y-es!" wailed Boring. "I have failed buh a huh huh me WAAAHHH!!"
"Hey," said Arrogant, "At least they're gone, right? Eh?"
"But I have to leave the story!" wailed Boring. "My contract is expired, and the Authors are sick of writing lines for me!"
Legless and Wimpy crept out from where they had been hiding.
"Are they gone?" whispered Wimpy. Arrogant nodded wordlessly.
"I wish they all had gone," muttered Legless.
"Guys, I need your help. Well, I don't actually need your help per sŽ, but I'm willing to hear input." Arrogant quickly explained Boring's plight.
"Hmm," Legless mused. "I think I may have an idea." The man, the self, and the daft went into a huddle. Boring waited anxiously as they debated back and forth for hours. Finally, they turned to him.
"Well?" he said worriedly.
"Boring, son of Dinosaur," said Arrogant grimly, "We have decided, to tie you up and set you afloat down the river!"
Boring gasped. He tried to run, but Wimpy and Arrogant tackled him, and tightly tied him up.
"Heh heh!" said Legless. But he wasn't quite so cynical when they tied Boring to the back of his wheelchair and made him drag him to where the boat was moored. Or, at least, where it was supposed to be moored.
"Where is the boat?" said Wimpy in a monotone.
"I don't know where the boat is, but there's a bottle!" said Legless pointing to the edge of the water.
Arrogant went over and picked up the bottle and sniffed it. "Dr. Mustard," he said. "There's only one person I know of who could stand to drink the sludge."
"Hoho?" questioned Wimpy.
"No," said Arrogant.
"Tom?" said Legless.
"No."
"If you're gonna send me down the river, can you please get it over with?" said Boring desperately.
"Who was it, Arrogant?" said Wimpy impatiently.
"Some guy I knew in the fourth grade," shrugged Arrogant, tossing the bottle into the river.
"Hey," shouted Legless. "Was there a message in that bottle? You didn't even look!"
"Yeah, there could have been a message from Hoho, or even a treasure map!" cried Wimpy.
Arrogant blanched, and gazed at where the bottle had disappeared over the horizon. He turned back to them and smiled sickly.
"Let's see about that boat, shall we?" he croaked.
The companions searched unsuccessfully high and low for the swan boat. Later that afternoon, they went back to where they had tied Boring to a tree.
"Now how am I going to leave the story?" he wailed.
Arrogant looked up suddenly. "Look!" he cried pointing downstream. There lodged on the bank was a gigantic swan head. Arrogant and Wimpy went to investigate while Legless stayed to guard Boring. (At least, that's the excuse he used.)
Arrogant reached it first. He was examining it closely when Wimpy struggled up.
"What kept you?" snarled Arrogant.
"Well, there was this butterfly..."
"Never mind about that. What do you think about this?" The man pointed at the head.
Wimpy looked closely. "It's only part of the boat!" he cried.
"Exactly what I thought," said Arrogant grimly. "Now how are we going to give Boring a grand sendoff without a boat?"
"Maybe," said Wimpy, "There's enough wood to make a raft of some sort."
Arrogant pushed the head out into the stream. It leaned at a rakish angle, but he could stand in what was left of the keel without water coming in. Wimpy handed him a stick and the man was able to push himself upstream while Wimpy ran along the bank whooping in delight. In this odd way they made their way to where Legless was taunting Boring.
"Ha!" he said. "You're such a limited unexpandable character even the Authors got tired of you!"
Arrogant pulled the head up on the bank and Legless stared at it disbelievingly.
"What happened to the boat?" he said.
"It looks like it's been hacked apart," said Wimpy, proud of his limited knowledge.
"Was it the hatchet stuck in the wood that clued you in?" said Arrogant.
"Let's get this guy outta here!" said Legless.
They put Boring in the partial boat and pushed him out into the river. Arrogant and Wimpy stood waist deep waving farewell while Legless snapped pictures from the shore.
After the screams of Boring had died away, Arrogant took a deep breath and started singing about the north wind for some odd reason.

Oh north wind how cold you blow
Bringing us lots of snow
Tell me have you seen Boring

"But we just sent Boring off," interrupted Wimpy
Arrogant glared at Wimpy while Legless started.

South wind, south wind, you blow warm
You bring us peas in summer and bees in swarm
Tell me south wind
Have you seen Boring. and will he be back again?

Then Arrogant sang again.

West wind, from the west you come
Delighting most, disgusting some
Where oh where has Boring gone?

"Mine was better than yours," said Legless, "All my words rhymed."
"No they don't!" said Arrogant "'Wind' and 'again' don't rhyme."
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
While this exchange was going on, Wimpy suddenly opened his mouth and started to sing.

Oh east wind, east wind, from Mortar you are
You can't see us, but we can see you from afar
Gloom and doom you bring,
Shadow and depression do you sing,
Blowing through the rocks in the stony desert,
Have you seen the bones of Boring
Who shall never see the light of day again?
His family will look for him,
But they will not find him, for he has gone
To where the dead are, and without a grave.
His enemies led him there, and his best friend (me)
Tried to save him, but anarchists got to him first.

"Huh?" said Legless and Arrogant.
Wimpy looked from one to another.
"Uh, nothing," he said.
"Well," said Arrogant. "Boring's path has already been chosen. Now we must look to ours."
"I wanna go home," said Legless. Wimpy nodded his assent.
"Very well," said the Man. "It's unanimous. Let's go!"
They walked back to where the packs were. But to their amazement, about half of them were missing.
"Hey!" shouted Wimpy running up, "Half of our packs are missing!"
"We already know that," hissed Legless, "The Authors already told us."
Wimpy pouted. "I was back in the other paragraph," he muttered
Arrogant looked around at the ground.
"It looks like there was a great struggle," he said.
"What do you make of it?" said Wimpy anxiously, tugging at Arrogant's sleeve and looking earnestly up into his face. "Have Corcs been here?"
"I would say not," said the man, picking loose the daft's grip and shrinking away.
"Why would you say not?" asked Legless.
"Say not what?" asked Arrogant.
"Why would you say not what say what not?" asked Legless, a bit perplexed.
"Say not what what you say would say what what?" asked Arrogant, thoroughly confused.
"Woah," said Wimpy. "I think we need a reality check here."
But the self and the man ignored him.
"What say no would say what not what?" said Legless.
"What who when what say what not where what?" said Arrogant.
Legless put his hand to his forehead and screamed in agony.
The last thing Wimpy remembered before he collapsed from sheer stupidness was Arrogant leaping around and chattering like a angry chipmunk.