"I'm going to go take a shower."
That's all I'd say. I would walk up the steel stairs and go down the hallway to the shower room. It always felt cold when I'd open the door and step inside. The metal floors were unforgiving that way. There would be a towel waiting for me on a rack next to the mirror. White and clean. My robe would hang on a hook on the wall.
Turning the handles. Cold first, then hot. I'd let the water stream down for a minute or two. Let the water warm up. The mirror would fog up and sometimes I would write words with the tip of my finger on the glass. Maybe things like 'Hi' or 'Aces.' Stupid things like that. Make happy faces. Those never seemed to work because the condensation would gather and create tears on the face. Didn't look right.
I'd take my clothes off. One piece at a time. My shoes first. Then my stockings. I'd unbutton the shirt and release the suspenders, letting the shorts fall to the floor. My hair band would come off last. Pulling it away. Resting the band on the steel sink, hanging from the faucet.
The water would always be too hot when I step into the stall. I just let my body get used to it. It doesn't hurt that bad. I would sigh and the stream of water would hit the back of my neck. My hands would fall to my sides and I'd lift my head under the showerhead.
I know he watched me. I could always feel it when someone was looking at me. A sixth sense, I guess. There were vent slits in the door at the top and I know he would watch me. With those sad eyes. And he knew I knew too. The first time I noticed, I thought I would react in a different way than I did. I didn't do anything. I just continued to undress and took a ten-minute shower. I don't know why I didn't scream and beat the shit out of him and chase him down the hall. I just didn't. And when that first shower was over and I saw him out in the living area, we didn't say a thing. Like nothing had ever happened.
And so that's how it was. I would say I was going to take a shower and that's all that needed to be said. I don't know if what we were doing was wrong. Or who was the bigger freak. I don't care.
The first time I took a shower knowing he wouldn't be there, that's when it hit me. That he was gone forever. Having his eyes watch me so vulnerable and exposed. That's what cleansed me. It wasn't the soap or water.
We never said anything.
And I never will.