I haven't written or posted a RoyEd in so long! I blame the sudden obsession with Edvy.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, though I wouldn't mind some of Ed's boxers...
For my wonderful and awesome Nee-chan, Sekhmet's Moon.
"Dammit! They don't fit!" Roy cried. If he moved too much, the article of clothing would rip. And what were said article of clothing? Boxers – pint-sized, midget boxers only a bean could wear.
Do I need to say more?
Sighing, Roy opened the very small closet in the flea-sized bedroom in the microscopic military dorm. He jumped, hearing the door being kicked open by a paramecium sized foot. He began scurrying around madly and definitely not fearing the wrath of the super-shrimp. At all. Honest.
Remembering the closet, Roy leapt inside, pulling the door shut. He stood stiff as a board, trying to become one with the wall.
One with the wall…
One with the wall…
One with the wall…
One with the wall…
One with the wall…
No, he wasn't afraid of anything that was so small it couldn't be seen over his paperwork. And he definitely wasn't obsessed with a person so small he could drown in a drop of water. And, most of all, HE WAS NOT STALKING HIM!
Honest! Roy never lies. His paperwork does spontaneously combust, he has nothing to do with it! And no, Voice Number Two, he is not in denial.
Forgetting himself, Roy sneezed.
"WHO THE HELL IS IN MY CLOSET?"
Roy flinched, thanking the author for having Ed put a lock on the inside of his closet. He reached up, sliding it locked with a click.
"OH SO THE BASTARD CAN LOCK DOORS!" Ed yelled, clapping his hands.
"Brother, no alchemy in the house!" Al cried.
Scowling, Ed sank down, leaning against the closet door.
"Fine! I'll just wait out here!" Ed snapped brattily. Roy pictured a cute-yet-deadly pout on the shorty's face and had to shove a fist in his mouth. No squealing. He was not an obsessive fanboy! He just… wanted some boxers and had no money, so why not steal Ed's?
The minutes ticked by slowly. Realising he was the Fullmetal Alchemist's closet – a very, very rare activity – Roy smirked and began busying himself with Ed's clothes. They were even shrimpier when he tried to wear them.
"DAMMIT COME OUT OF THE CLOSET YOU DAMN BASTARD! STOP STALKING ME!"
How do you stop doing something you're not even doing? Roy would never stalk a subordinate, no matter how cute, no matter how attention-grabbing, no matter how admirable and …okay, maybe he would, but this wasn't stalking!
Chucking more leather pants and black shirts aside, Roy found a large cardboard box. Curiously, Roy opened it, of course. Who wouldn't?
Roy was surprised. Very, very, very surprised. So surprised he instantly got a nose bleed and passed out. Can you guess what's in the box?
Over an hour ticked by, Roy getting blood and drool on the floor. Add an extra twenty-six minutes and that was when Roy was starting to wake up, woozy. Rubbing his head, he glanced at the open box again. Since he wasn't certain where he was, it didn't phase him that the box was full of different styles of mini-skirts and dresses. And when he saw that "for Roy" was written on the side, surrounded by love-hearts, he just assumed it was a fangirl.
Head still stuffy, Roy walked into the closet door. Repetitively.
Ah, it would seem our favourite pyromaniac is suffering from heavy stress. Poor, poor Roy.
"HA! FINALLY COMING OUT YOU PERVERT?" Ed yelled.
Roy found a plan formulating in his mind. Smirking, he unlocked the closet and stepped out.
"M-Mustang?" Ed stuttered, eyes wide.
"No, sweetie. I am Envy, the shape-shifting Homunculette," Roy said coolly.
"Homunculette?"
"Female Homunculus."
"Envy's male, retard."
"I am not! How would you know? Ever been in hi-my skirty-short thingo?" Roy spat.
"Maybe."
Roy's eyes narrowed.
"I kinda forget all the people I sleep with, there's so many of them…" Ed said dismissively, a malicious glint in his eyes.
"That's a lie, dammit!"
"How would you know?" Ed asked, eyes piercing Roy's.
"Because I'm stalking you, that's how!"
"I KNEW IT! YOU BASTARD!" Ed snapped, punching Roy with the automail fist. "NEXT TIME HAVE DECENCY TO TELL ME!"
"That defeats the purpose of stalking, Fullmetal."
"DON'T ACT COCKY!"
"Huh? Where's that tiny voice coming from?" Roy smirked.
"WHO-ARE-YA-CALLING-A-PIPSQUEAK-SO-SHORT-HE-CAN'T-FIND-HIS-WAY-OUT-OF-A-CLOSET-OR-SEE-WHEN-HIS-SUPERIOR-OFFICER-IS-STALKING-HIM?" Ed screamed. How he managed all that in one breath was with practice. Practice makes perfect, kiddies.
Drawing in a deep breath, Ed began yet another angry rant. "Why the hell are you acting so casual? I've just caught you stalking me! I could get you court marshaled or some crap like that!"
"…erm… because I'm Envy the bitch-slapping Homunculette?"
"You are incredibly retarded, Colonel. Let's just say you're insane or stressed or something, then you leave me alone and we pretend this never happened," Ed sighed.
"And if I refuse?"
"I wonder what Hawkeye would do, knowing you're stalking a subordinate and avoiding paperwork." Ed replied, grinning maliciously.
"Y-you wouldn't!" Roy gasped.
"Don't doubt me, bastard!"
Defeated, Roy slumped and left the room.
"Hello Colonel," Al said casually.
"Hi Alphonse."
Roy reached the dorm door, stepping out sadly. Ed grinned triumphantly.
"You could've let him get changed, brother," Al said.
"And miss a chance to completely and utterly humiliate him? It's pay back!" Ed cried, grinning cruelly.
The lessons learnt today? Ed learnt that Roy has a fetish for his underwear. And I'm sure when Roy has some coffee and puts two and two together he'll realise Ed isn't completely against his mini-skirt military dream.
Crap ending! Oh, and for those of you who haven't realised, I am an Envy fangirl. Playful fun. Don't kill me!
Thanks to Nee-chan for the inspiration! Please review!