Title: Everything I Had

Author: Maja Elisabeth

Rating: T

Pairing: Mac/Stella

Summary: "I'm leaving, I've decided this is the best for both of us" she continued to walk towards the elevators. This time his footsteps remained silent, he wasn't following her any more.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything

Timeline: All screwed, Angell is alive and Lindsay's pregnant. Whoho! It doens't add up with the real story. But I want it to be this way

A/N: I haven't watched the last seasons of CSI:NY where Stella's not in it... heh.. It was a really long time since I wrote something so don't be so hard on me, but I want to know how I managed :) So please send me a review

Sometimes you just have to embrace and take care of whatever life throws at you, even though you might not like it at this very moment, but some day – eventually – you will. Sometimes you come to a dead end, but it's the way you chose to get out of there which counts, and becomes a great difference in your life. These wise words had a nurse at the orphanage said to her once when she sat by the window watching the rain fall down from the gray sky. She had always remembered these words, but funny thing is – she couldn't recall what the nurse's name was.

New York City, Stella thought. Is this my dead end? She sat by the window in her office, watching as the raindrops fell frequently from above. Somehow she felt trapped in this life she was living right now, her own skin was like a prison to her. Anxiety and sleepless nights wasn't really a new friend of hers.

She was restless, somehow - this big city felt too small for her. Stella needed something new, a drastic change or something interesting, just something... something … or... rather someone. In a city with 8 million people, she couldn't have felt more alone.

Work was just the same thing, over and over again. She started to doubt if there really was any good hearted people out there, with all the murders and homicides and everything they had to take care of every day, every week.

She let out a deep sigh, from the bottom of her lungs. Everything felt so pointless. Lindsay had Danny, Danny had Lindsay and soon they were having a baby. Don's romance with Angell had just been revealed, but neither of them seemed to care who knew and who didn't. Honestly, she were happy for all of them. But she? Who had she? The feeling of emptiness made itself reminded in the pit of her stomach. It hit her hard, as if she were hit with a baseball bat.

She needed someone too. Someone to hold and take care of, someone who held her and took care of her. She needed to feel loved.

The last man she'd been with was only for over a night, this man had kissed her like noone else had, and found feelings deep inside of her that she never thought she had within her, he made her feel beautiful and loved. But he'd disappeared before she'd woken up. Truth be told, Stella had never slept as good as she did that night, knowing that maybe someone was there beside her when she woke up, maybe stayed with her. Held her throughout the nights. She had hoped for so much more than just a night, but never said it. He was gone. And now he wouldn't even look at her, and when he did – he wouldn't even look in her eyes. Perhaps he was ashamed? Perhaps he regretted everything that he done and said that night? Or he could have been more drunk that she thought, maybe he didn't remember.

It made her hurt every time they went past each other in the break room, or in the lab. It was not like pretending it never happened – it was pretending that she weren't existing in his eyes anymore. She was just as invisible as air.

What made her ache even more was the fact that this man was Mac Taylor. Mac Taylor. Her best friend, maybe her only friend and also boss. Some things are just not made to last, but she really thought that they would – but he never gave them a chance to even try. It was like saying no before you even had the time to ask for what you wanted too.

Stella twisted a honey colored strand of hair with her index finger, and stared hazily at the computer screen in front of her. Numbers rolled on the screen and she were supposed to know what they meant, right now – they were just numbers. Nothing special. Nothing at all.

The tension around the CSI lab were already noticeable, the others had in a very early stage found out more or less painfully that neither Mac or Stella were talking to each other in exaggerated measures. It could sometimes be enough with a quick nod, and then leave the spot as fast as possible. In the long run it would be unbearable for all of them to work under these kind of conditions. Not that Danny, Don or anyone else had said anything, but it wasn't needed.

The click of her heels echoed throughout the empty lab as she walked down the corridor to Mac's office. Carefully she tapped on his glass door. Stella saw him sitting behind his desk which was buried under tons of paper. He nodded and waved to her that she may enter.

"Stella" Mac said, his eyes wandered back to his paperwork. His eyes refused to meet hers. It stung in her heart.

"Taylor" she sat down on the chair opposite to him, without his permission. In the corner of her eyes she could tell that he was a bit annoyed. "I won't be long" she assured him, as she saw his jaws clench.

"Bonasera" he said, deciding to be more formal, when she did so. "Anything I can help you with?"

Gosh, she thought, it was like she was talking to a whole different person, not her best friend. Or wait, could she count him as her best friend anymore?

"Yes" she said, trying to sound calm with her heart racing within her chest. Stella could hear every beat of her heart in her hears. Ba-dum, ba-dum... "I decided that I would like to resign"

"What?" he spitted out, Mac could not any longer hold the formal undertone in their conversation.

"You heard me" Stella said and tried to stay focused and composed. "I would like to resign"

"Why?"

She rose from the chair and moved towards the door, Mac's chair which he was sitting on made a squeaky noise when he stood up too. His fast footsteps were soon catching up with the click of her heels.

"Why?" he repeated.

Stella turned around, and for the first time he actually looked in her eyes as he spoke. His ice blue eyes were filled with anger mixed with something that she couldn't tell what it was.

"I've decided this is the best for both of us" she continued to walk towards the elevators. This time his footsteps remained silent, he wasn't following her any more.

"For us?" he repeated. "As in for you and me?"

"No" she whispered, impossible for him to hear, and laid a hand protectively over her stomach.

"Is this the best for you and me?" was the last thing she heard as the elevator doors shut, and closed him out from her.

Please review :)