MASH – I do not own it – love it though! The characters aren't mine if they belong to anybody it should be the actors, because they faithfully and wonderfully played them for so many years, but to be complete, they belong to Fox. Anyways – enjoy reading

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Dreams

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I never considered myself to be a dreamer. Well, I always dreamed a lot, but my feet were always on the ground. Dreamers for me a people having dreams they actually make come true, no matter at what cost. And actually for t hem everything comes easy. Girls dream about dolls and boys and at five they get their pretty dressed in pink doll and at fifteen their handsome dark haired athletic boyfriend.

When I was little I dreamed that my mum would dress me up as nicely as she did dress up my older sister Katie. I dreamed of going shopping with my mum, touching and trying nice dresses, but all I ever got was my sister's old stuff. It is so hard to be the younger one. Mum and Katie had a special relationship. She was her little princess. I was just the other girl, that couldn't keep her cloth clean and tore them anyways. No need to buy a nice new dress for that one! And dad – he was gone most of the time and even when he was on the base it seemed, that he enjoyed being with the guys as he would call it more than spending some time with us. What made it even worse was, that it seemed, that he was ignoring me. Kate had mum to go to and so my little mind concluded, that I would get dad to go to and to cling to, whenever I needed but he didn't really want me.

Once my mother was drunk, and actually that happened very often, she said something my little mind couldn't understand. She told me, that it was my fault after all. It was one of the days, she already had started with a hangover and on that she was already drunk when Katie and me came back from school. Whenever my dad was at the base she drunk and of course that made everything that was going on between the two even more unbearable, for them and us. Outside the walls, we were a perfect family, naturally! My mum would organize small garden parties for my dads friends, though today I hardly believe, that they where his friends, but only colleges, dress up nicely and stay sober until everybody was gone. Katie would be dressed up like a princess and with her smile also look like one and be the darling of everybody. Mum dressed me up as a princess too, but my hair would never shine like Katie's did and somehow I always managed to stain my little fingers and my dress and would never look like a princess – in fact I would look very displaced in that dress and there was no such thing as Cinderella for me.

But at night in my room I would dream of being Cinderella. A sweet prince on a white horse would come and rescue me from my evil sister and stepmother and dad would proudly walk me down the aisle. When I was four, that dream still seemed to be in reach, but when I was seven I knew, it would never happen. When mum told me, that it was in fact all my fault, I looked to Katie and she nodded, telling me, that she would tell me later. So I went to her room to find out the ultimate truth about me and how I destroyed the family just by being born. Dad always wanted a boy – of course he liked little Katie, cause she was the perfect daughter to show to his friends but above all he wanted a son to follow him. So he waited for a son and when I was born and the doctors told him, that mum no longer was able to conceive he started to hate me. When perfect Katie, and I always hated her for being so perfect and still hate her told me, I ran into my room to wet my pillow with my own tears.

This was the day, when I stopped being a dreamer. When there were no more tears to be shed left I stood up, looked into the mirror and made a decision. First, there would be no more tears. At least nobody should ever see them. Second, there would be no more me. I would concentrate on the perfect person. Third, I would make up for the boy he never had. I was going to be strong and tough. I would take my fathers food steps and follow his path. I fished my diary from the nightstand and looked at the drawing of my life to be, flipped through the pages and when I reached the last page, I wrote down my statement and closed the diary. No more dreams, no more diary.

This was the start of my new life. When Katie went to the ballet, I went to the girl scouts. I trained hard to be tough and cried into my pillow at night. But life became better. I worked hard to earn my fathers respect and from time to time I managed. The older I got the more I managed and earned my fathers respect. I was happy. At least there was one person in the world that I looked up to who recognised me and sometime appreciated with what I was doing. The more I dipped into my new life, the less I was aware of my dreams. I was fully satisfied with being a perfect scout and then a perfect nurse, a perfect officer, a perfect to be in command. It was like I was standing on a wave that never ends and is bringing me right to where I wanted, or at least to where I thought I wanted.

There were only view occasion, when I felt the water under my feet disappearing. My sister had her first date when she was 14. Dad didn't like it, but she was mum's girl and she was responsible for her. I had my first real date, when I was 16 and I it was with one of my father's friends' kids. I am still sure dad arranged that date for me. Bobby hated me and I hated him, but from all of the dates I this wasn't the worst. It set the level low and as I had said goodbye to my dreams and tears anyways I didn't expect that any other date would be better. I settled with a life far from my dreams, but still somehow I never stopped working on them. I committed myself to be powerful. Weakness was one of the things I hated most and looking at it now I have to admit, that using people for my purposes might have pleased me back than. Today I am ashamed. Ashamed of what I did and of the kind of person I have become. Or to be even more honest, of the kind of person I made.

Although I managed to get rid of almost all my dreams, there was one that was tied deep down my heart I never managed to get rid of it. I tried hard to have that dream come true. It was, to be loved. When my first boyfriend cheated on me I still knew my father loved me. When one of my other boyfriends started to beat me up, when he was drunk, I still knew, my father loved me. Frank, Donald and all the others couldn't take away, what my father meant to me.

I was remembering my time with Scully and how I tried so hard to please him and make me love him, when I was thrown out of my thoughts by the strong turbulences we were flying through. I turn around to look outside. Dark clouds surround us, mirroring my inner soul. The seat next to me is empty. My hands are closed around the small black handbag on my lap. I am dressed all in black. Ten days ago I got a call that my father has been brought to a hospital because he had had a massive heart attack. The doctor asked me to hurry down and come to see him, because he was in such a bad condition, they couldn't guarantee, that he would wake up again anyways. I took some days of R&R that I was granted instantly by one of my father's friends, who happened to be my superior and who, a year ago, had managed to get me promoted Lt.Colonel. I arrived at my father's bed half a day later as my mother and sister.

When I entered the room, they turned around and looked at me strangely as if they were asking, what I was supposed to do there. I put on my icy head nurse glance and decided to not be irritated by them. I knew, they wouldn't be pleased to see me there. I never really found out, what has gotten between my sister and me. Mum of course never was really interested in me and probably still blames me for steeling dad's love. At least, that's what she blamed me for, when I was thirteen and dad decided to go out on a weekend with my scout group. He never did it again, but that weekend was the best weekend I ever had with him. Katie however just disappeared slowly. It seems, she envied me for being dad's little soldier, as he used to call me and for getting more of his attention, or should I say, any of his attention as he never paid much attention to his family at all. Well, at least, if you do not include watching our behaviour and our school grades. Not knowing, that I always envied her for her life. The perfect life she led, doing the job she wanted, having a handsome caring husband and three cute little kids. I love being a nurse and though I love to be in control I was starting to doubt that my decision to make the army my life and home was such a good decision even before I left Korea.

Dad kept on living for two days. He was rarely awake and whenever he opened his eyes, mum and Katie were giving him the full performance. I kept in the background feeling degraded to an extra. Still, whenever he fell asleep again my mum and Katie would look at me, as if I had taken all of his attention and tired him out. I hardly could stand their presence. Mum cried and I wondered why she was giving us that performance. Why didn't she come at all? She divorced him years ago and didn't want to have anything to do with him at all. When did she change her mind? But then of course you don't let someone alone when he is dying. That wouldn't fit the picture of a good family, even if it never had been a good family.

Right before he died dad ordered me to his bed and mum and Katie to leave the room. You should have seen their faces. He must have know, that he was to go now and asked me to sit down next to him. He took my hand and told me, how proud he was that his little soldier had become a Lt.Colonel. He patted my cheek and seemed to be thinking of what else to say when his hand suddenly fell down and he was gone. I looked at him. During the first 20 seconds my mind was blank. There wasn't any feeling at all. I closed his eyes, stood up and told mum and Katie, that he had died. Their reaction was pure horror. Mum screamed and looked at me as if I had killed him.

I told the nurse that her patient had died and went outside to get to my car. I looked up to the window and all of a sudden the feeling, the reaction I had waited for to come ever since he died was there and out of my lungs I screamed and called him a goddamned bastard and for the first time in my life I felt free. I drove to the small motel I rented a room in. Everything was so clear now. He never loved me and I always was second best to him. I couldn't make up for the son, he always wanted to have. I grabbed the phone getting in touch with my superior, informing him, that I wanted to take the rest of my R&R right now and resigning my commission instantly. I would mail everything needed during the next days. I didn't have any idea what to do or where to go, but I know, I had to be out of the army.

Spending the next days with Mum, Katie and the rest of the people who came to condole was pure horror. As we all stood around the grave that cold and rainy Oregon December day I felt like exploding instantly. The friendliness of my father's friends, Mum's tears, Katie's sad face and foremost the praises the priest and my father's comrades gave filled me with hatred I didn't know, I was able to feel. Mum and Katie treated me like a stranger and as soon as the ceremony was over and he was covered with earth I literally fled. I jumped into my rental and just stared driving until all of a sudden I knew where I was headed. I drove the car to the airport, without caring for my luggage or the motel room. My family could take care of that later and I didn't mind the aggravation they would give me because of that, next time, they would get hold of me.

I ran to the counter and knew no matter what would happen or at what cost, I had to leave for the east coast instantly. I was lucky getting a flight to Portland with only one change in Chicago and from Portland to infamous Crapapple Cove there must be a bus, a train, if nothing else a cab. It is more than three years ago he kissed me goodbye, more than three years and a day, he told me he loved me. It is more than foolish to assume he didn't go on. He might have a wife and some kids by now. Still I have to try. Maybe after all my search for love will come to an end here.

When I stepped out the airport it was raining. I wrapped my coat tighter around me. There would be a bus stopping in Crapapple Cove in an hour. I had a snack and got on the half empty bus.

As we arrived in Crapapple Cove it already had snowed for a while. The earth was white and still thick and soft snowflakes where dancing in the air while the sun was setting. It seemed like a positive omen. When I reached the door I headed to the only thing I could do was smile. I was free and no matter what happened all my dreams could finally come true.

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Just another small story that popped out of my overly romantic brain.

Maybe there will be a second or even third chapter some time – don't know yet, because for now I am quite content with this open end.

Be so kind to review – and keep in mind – I am not a native writer – forgive my limited vocabulary and bad grammar.