Disclaimer: I do not own Ragnarok, blah-blah.

the Meat Shield

"I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready- OOPH!"

That was the sound of an overly-excited Crusader. His name is Bit but everyone called him the meat shield. When you put a bunch of sausages on your main defensive, you probably wouldn't wonder why he was called as such. But no, it was a term that was given to him due to the fact he's supposed to sustain that much damage though it wasn't the primary reason. And yes, this includes being shot in the ass by a certain Hunter.

Bit's face collided with a door, and the door happened to open in a quick motion so he was smacked in between the door and a wall that belonged to his guild's headquarters. Poking out from the door was a curious Hunter named Pierciel- and she happened to be the Crusader's betrothed. Normally, you'd find this kind of relationship to be kind of confusing but hey, if you got your ass handed to you by too many arrows that are impossible to launch at someone by human standards, then of course you'd rather be a meat shield than someone who'd want to challenge numerous pots and pans flying to your face. But that wasn't the reason he was called that, either.

"Eh?" Pierciel started scratching her head in confusion.

"What is it?" asked Ara, another Hunter in the guild.

"I thought I heard something. Oh well," Pierciel said, shrugging her shoulders and slammed the door shut. Bit then came sliding down to the ground.

"I'm okay..." Bit got up, holding his temples as his body started swaying dizzily from left to right.

"You know, Bit," a dark tone filled the silence, and it belonged to a Rogue. His name was Faust. "You ought to be careful where you're going, because you'd never know when..."

"YAAAHHH!" boomed a voice all too familiar. It belonged to a Monk named Ibuki and he was charging towards Faust with his fist launched forwards, his body engulfed with electricity as their comrade displayed an expression that belonged only to mad men.

"Ibuki!" Bit started waving enthusiastically at his fellow brethren. Faust took the remaining few seconds left for Ibuki to reach them, looking from Bit to the distance Ibuki had to cover in order to do so, and calculated a theory he concocted in his mind. Thinking quickly, he grabbed Bit, kicked his back like barbaric Spartans would as he watched onwards as Bit started to fly towards Ibuki, a liquid brown stain trailing behind him that smelled awfully like feces dripped to the floor. Bit screamed as he gulped and braced for impact.

"Hi, guys!" another voice piped up.

Now, fortunately for Bit came a Wizard whose name happened to be... Wizzy. But unfortunately for Wizzy, he only saw Bit and Faust- he was too daft to expect the incoming Ibuki nor did he hear the raging Monk coming in between them.

"ASURA STRIKE!" Ibuki shouted upon feeling his fist collide with someone's flesh after completing his Guillotine Fist technique. A loud yet almost comical grunt can be heard as Wizzy's eyeballs happened to pop out of his eye-sockets but that's besides the point. His lips were twisted like a fish's as he spat out some of his own saliva, and pressed his lips on Bit's by accident. Both of them were sent flying towards Faust.

"... No," Faust declared, feeling a sweat-dropping moment coming in. He simply stepped aside as both the Wizard and the Crusader crashed through the walls, Wizzy falling into another Wizard's crotch whilst Bit fell on a Lord Knight's lap. Wizzy got up to see the flamboyantly dressed Wizard staring at him, giving him the hungry eye while the Lord Knight was about to unleash a can of ass-whoopin' to the Crusader. They were Dhaos and Sigma, the Wizard and the Lord Knight, respectively. The two Hunters were laughing off in the background whilst the other guild members and their allies watched on with mixtures of both horror and pity.

Meanwhile, Faust was peeking into the guild whilst Ibuki approached him with two bottles of grape juice in hand. The Rogue looked to the Monk, shaking his head whilst stifling some laughter, preferring to keep it to himself before the whole building gets taken down.

"You do realize you have to pay for all the expenses, right?" Faust questioned Ibuki. Ibuki smirked, seemingly amused at the destruction he had caused.

"Yeeeaaahhh. Hahahahaha," Ibuki chortled. Ibuki placed his fists on his hips, his maniacal laughter filled the entire vicinity as Ara noticed he was nearby. Her eyes literally had hearts beating in and out from her sockets as she fluttered towards him. Faust kept an expression of indifference, folding his arms while the Lord Knight started cracking his knuckles to the unassuming Crusader. The two Wizards, however, were already engaging in a game of grab-ass.

"Huh? Hey! Hey, Sigma! How are you, man?" the Crusader shouted a bit too loudly for anyone within a two feet radius to tolerate. The Lord Knight leaned back from the excited Crusader, digging in his ear just in case his eardrums were broken.

"You know what? I'm not even going to bother," Sigma concluded, refraining from destroying the Crusader. He sat down and resumed his conversation with a female Priest named Asaka and some Blacksmith who happened to actually be black.

"Bother with what?" Bit wondered to himself.

"BIT!" shrieked Pierciel. Bit quickly turned back to where his beloved Hunter was, noticing her annoyed expression so he quickly ran to her side, knocking down a Super Novice, an Alice, a Zealotus who shouted "HEY!" at him as well as some of the trophies the whole guild managed to capture during events. Upon reaching his destination, Bit's smile faded as he realized Pierciel hadn't changed her seething look.

"Y-yes, my little flower?" Bit stammered.

"Did you even say sorry to that Alice or the Zealotus? Or Sardine?!" Pierciel demanded. Bit turned around to see the three females staring angrily at him. The rest were minding their own business.

"Ah, shit..." Bit slumped but he felt a gigantic hand land on his pauldrons. He looked up to see a giant man with a red scarf wrapped around his mouth and a bone-helm that resembled Satan-Morroc on his head. His hair cascaded neatly behind him and his large daggers can be seen protruding from the sheathes attached on his back.

"Give the kid a rest, Pierciel. He did bring you something, right, Bit?" Faust looked at the nervous Crusader. Bit looked in confusion but he managed to understand.

"Oh yeah! This is for you!" Bit gave Pierciel an elaborate box. She still kept her eyebrows furrowed at him but opened the box nonetheless. Bit gave Faust a thumbs up, completely ignoring the remaining three females who are still furious at him. A loud, excited shriek echoed the room as Pierciel held up rather rare items that can be found in Rune-Midgard. They were expensive pairs of bunny headphones. Faust nudged Bit's ribcage as he pushed him towards Pierciel, but not before quickly whispering the phrase "Don't be a dumbass" to him.

"This is perfect! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Pierciel hugged Bit as the poor Crusader began to blush to the point you'd think he belongs in Magma Dungeon. Not to mention the guy happened to be donning red as his primary colour.

Faust shook his head as he began to walk over to Ibuki with Ara still drooling over the Monk. Her face still had heart-shaped eyes and he could've sworn there were some hearts floating above her head. As he walked, he winked over to the Zealotus and the Alice, whose names were Mirajane and May respectively, according to their name-tags. He saw Sardine still fuming so he placed a hand on her shoulder, getting her undivided attention.

"Shit happens. Don't worry, it was an accident," he said, covering up for Bit's antics yet again.

"I'm not mad for him bumping into me... I'M FURIOUS FOR HIM KNOCKING DOWN MR. BUTLER'S BOWL OF PET FOOD!" Sardine shouted to the Rogue. Faust looked to the floor as the Rocker began picking off from the table though he didn't seem bothered at all. Sighing, Faust tossed the Super Novice a bag of pet feed he managed to grab during his trip to Prontera. Sardine shrugged as she returned to feeding her Rocker and reading her book.

"Hello, master!" a slithering voice called to Faust. It was an Isis, and he tossed her a satchel of pet feed. She began to follow him, as well as his Bongun and his Munak. Don't ask Faust why he gathers all these pets; it will never make sense to you. Two Baphomet Juniors were sparring on the ground without their scythes, he noticed. He reached Ibuki and they both fist bumped. Ibuki was already talking to Sigma and Asaka when he arrived, and the Blacksmith went behind the bar. "So who's going to fix the wall? Me or you? Or Sigma?" Faust asked.

"I vote for... Sigma!" Ibuki smirked. Sigma spat out his beverage as he scowled at the Monk.

"And why am I going to pay for the damages YOU caused, ass-wipe?" Sigma demanded. Asaka merely giggled at the both of them.

"Because I'm the strongest," Ibuki claimed as he did his characteristic maniacal laugh. Ara shrieked at this but it was only because the Monk was nude. Laughter filled the room and when he realized it, his entire outfit was stripped from him. Immediately, Ibuki began scanning the entire hall for the Rogue but the Rogue himself was naked though he didn't realize it. "What the fuck?"

"Oh man..." Sigma began but by then... everyone in the entire building was nude.

"Why are we all naked?" Faust questioned. He didn't bother covering his nakedness up because his Zealotus, Isis, Alice and his Munak were staring at his... cactus. And for convenience's sake, nobody else actually saw his genitalia because there was a cactus blocking the view. On the other hand, Ibuki and Sigma didn't seem to mind the attention.

"I thought it was you who stripped us!" accused Shou. Faust narrowed his eyes at the Priest, launching a ball of spit at the man's cheek.

"SPIT FIGHT!" Bit declared, spitting at Pierciel innocently but he realized his mistake. "Uh oh..."

Soon enough, the entire guild was spitting at one another with the exception of Asaka who managed to be the only smart one to utilize a technique where all incoming projectiles would be negated. And she happened to be the ONLY smart one who put their clothes back on. Ibuki sent a Guillotine Fist to Sigma but he dodged, accidentally sending it to Ara who was then sent flying towards the two Wizards who were engaging in a staff fight. And yes, it does look wrong. Sardine hid behind her Rocker while the Blacksmith was swinging his cart in no particular direction; he just begun swinging randomly for the sake of being involved in the fight. Pierciel kept launching non-lethal arrows at Bit due to the fact that not only can Bit withstand the assaults but it was their weird way of showing affection to one another. Sigma grabbed his spear- yes, his spear- and swung it at Ibuki's backside. The Monk flew towards Dhaos who managed to notice Ibuki from the corner of his eyes. Immediately, the Wizard directed his attention to the incoming Monk as he eyed his manhood hungrily. Ibuki yelled but thankfully, Wizzy, wanting a piece of vengeance, slammed his wizard staff at Dhaos. Unfortunately for Wizzy, his timing was horrible and his face slammed into Ibuki's crotch. Ara returned to the battlefield furious but her fury grew even more as she saw Wizzy's face buried in between Ibuki's legs. Grabbing her bow, she began to repeatedly shower Wizzy with arrows.

"This is madness!" cried out an Assassin. It belonged to Zetsu who was hiding on top of the chandeliers.

"Madness?" retorted a voice. Zetsu slowly turned around and lo' and behold... it was Thanatos. "THIS~! IS~! JENGAAA~!" Thanatos shouted, simultaneously kicking Zetsu in his rear as the Assassin began to fly towards Dhaos who was just recovering. The two collided into a makeshift tower belonging to Ness, a Ninja who was hiding from everyone, causing it to collapse like a set of Jenga blocks.

"HEY! I was hiding underneath that!" Ness cried. She crossed her arms, covering her breasts as she started at Thanatos in anger who responded by laughing.

"YEAH!" Shou came to her side as they both stuck their tongues out at them. They ran back into the building and hid underneath a table.

Wizzy began running away from Ara who was shooting him with arrows embedded with boiling hot onions while Ibuki was just punching anyone in sight. Sigma already threw four tables in rapid succession at anyone he sees while Asaka was seated on the bar's table, enjoying an ice cream treat to herself with Faust's Bongun at her side. She saw someone staring outside through the window, laughing mischievously to herself. It was a Stalker named Aena and Asaka remembered it was a prankish retaliation from when Faust divested her entire outfit at one point during Halloween and when Ibuki gave her a Guillotine Fist. Asaka shrugged as she was safe within her Pneuma's barrier. The Zealotus was side-by-side with the Alice, both of them armed with a whip and a broom to keep everyone at bay. Tenko, a Dancer, saw how their strategy worked so she grabbed the Munak though the Munak wanted to get less involved with the majority of the commotion going on.

"STOP! Why are we fighting, guys? We shouldn't be fighting!" Bit shouted from the center. Luckily for him, his Baphomet Junior was covering his gonads. "We're supposed to be a guild! A team! What are we fighting for? All this useless fighting that's-" Bit was unable to finish as the Blacksmith was thrown to him by Sigma.

"BATTLE ROYALE!" Sigma shouted. Ibuki responded by throwing a spiked mace at Sigma's head. Bit got up, channeling all of his aura into one as he unleashed his Grand Cross to his Baphomet Junior and nobody else. He returned to the fray as Pierciel accidentally shot an arrow right into his anus. Sardine was smart enough to get her clothes and put them back on with aid of Mr. Butler as she entered the fight, swinging her sword at just about anyone. Dhaos and Zetsu returned with Zetsu rubbing his back region in pain while Dhaos seemed to be pleased with whatever went on. Zetsu backed away from Dhaos in fear as Dhaos began patting his crotch. Tenko launched her whip at the Blacksmith's ankle, lifting him up to the chandeliers as she joined the Zealotus and Alice duo. The Munak managed to creep away before the fight got anymore ridiculous.

One hour later...

The fight itself was bloody, brutal and any word you could think of if you were there to witness it but its victory was undecided. Everyone but Shou and Ness managed to grab their clothes. They remained stationary underneath the table watching the fight. Luckily for them, the Munak gave them their clothes and they began to quickly dress themselves. Pierciel began plucking numerous arrows from Bit's buttocks while Wizzy was seated in a wheelchair next to Zetsu but the reason why Wizzy is in a wheelchair was because of Sigma and Ibuki.

FLASHBACK

Wizzy saw an opportunity to escape from the destruction so he took it. He began to sprint but sad to say, his face met Ibuki's fist as he soared through the air while his knees met Sigma's foot as he slid on the ground. Sigma and Ibuki looked at him dumbfounded, but shrugged before resuming their fight.

END OF FLASHBACK

Dhaos was pushing Zetsu's wheelchair while Wizzy gave the Assassin "What the hell are you complaining about?" look. Ibuki had a few napkins shoved into his nostril while Ara was plucking debris from her hair. As for Sigma? He had an icepack on his head.

"Good times, good times," Ibuki fist bumped Sigma. The guild leader looked over to Tenko who was wrapping her ankles with bandages, then to Sardine who was handing out first-aid kits to everyone. He noticed Shou and Ness still underneath the table, both are unsure whether or not the battle had truly ended. Then his gaze met Wizzy's and almost burst out in laughter because he suddenly started to look like Kentaro from Golden Boy when he was nearly mauled to death by that one government official but held back. "Where's Faust?"

"Uh..." Sigma suddenly shot up and looked around. During the fight, Faust was nowhere to be seen. Both of them turned to Asaka who was tapping her cup of tea with a spoon nonchalantly.

"You would've noticed he was absent during the whole fight, yes?" Asaka questioned them a bit morbidly, almost as if she had a meaning behind the question. Sigma and Ibuki looked at each other, then back to her expectantly.

"Where do you think he went?" Ara asked to anyone who was paying attention. So far, Bit has been screaming from Pierciel yanking the arrows from his buttcheeks and the only ones within hearing range were Ibuki, Sigma and Asaka. The Blacksmith begun repairs as Wizzy began casting magic spells that would lighten up the building. Minor guild-mates were working together as well, hell, even the Zealotus cooperated with the Alice and the Munak in cleaning the rest of the place. The Bongun was giving refreshments to whomever needed any.

"He's hiding," Ibuki concluded.

"I doubt it," Sigma replied.

"Why?" Ibuki looked at the Lord Knight shoving two tissues up his nostril the way Ibuki has his.

"Think back of all the crap we've done. You think by now he'd pop out of nowhere with that wicked yell and we'd fighting again? He probably even plagiarized Bowling Bash from me!" Sigma groaned at the mere thought of getting smacked by his own Bowling Bash.

"I don't think he's that messed up," Ibuki stated.

"I didn't say he was messed up. It's just funny," Sigma pointed out bluntly. Ibuki thought about it and agreed by cracking up with laughter.

"Wait, so where would he be?" Ibuki asked Sigma in between breaths. Asaka giggled and both boys looked at her.

"What's so funny?" Ara asked.

"Sigma just answered your question," the Priestess said in between giggling fits. Ibuki and Sigma looked at each other in confusion. That's one thing about Asaka- she's cryptic but both veterans knew that means they have to prepare for something.

"I still don't get it..." Ara looked hopelessly at the ceiling. The Bongun approached Ara with a glass of water to which Ara immediately took before the Bongun began hopping away.

"Hey, is the fight over?" Ness asked as she began to come out from hiding with Shou right behind her.

"Yes, Ness, the fight is over!" Ara rolled her eyes at the Ninja. Ness smiled but before she got up, however, came a deafening shriek.

"TO VICTORY!" Faust came crashing in through the walls the Blacksmith just patched up as he was perched on top of Lord of the Dead's head. The MVP's horse bucked forwards before slamming its hooves on top of the table that Shou and Ness happened to be on, completely flattening it and possibly them. The Rogue let out a truculent battlecry as he pointed a rather elongated dagger at a portrait of himself doing the exact same pose on the MVP he coincidentally happened to be on.

"Hey, I owe him a favor!" Lord of the Dead shrugged as Faust's warcry ululated the entire region. Ibuki and Sigma looked at each other, and took up their battle stance. Asaka smiled, as she began her incantations to aid her fellow guildsmen. By then everyone was almost completely recovered and Ibuki whistled for Bit. Bit's eyes shot up and ran to Ibuki's side.

"Yo'!" Bit leaned over to Ibuki as the Monk motioned for him to come closer.

"YOU FIRST!" Ibuki pushed Bit towards the Lord of the Dead, the MVP's eyes glowing with an ominous red as it gave the Crusader a devious sneer. A smog started to form around it, as the ghastly horse exhaled a violent breath of smoke. Bit looked up as he held his sword and shield, gulping at the dreaded being.

"Your soul is mine!" the Lord of the Dead exclaimed at the Crusader as it raised its weapon in the air, Faust sitting on its pauldron with his arms and legs crossed, contemplating if he should sit this one out or if he should take the MVP down with his fellow compatriots. The demon's voice boomed as the hair on Bit's neck began to raise in fear of this malevolent MVP. He was the first in line so he has a reason to be afraid, after all. Unbeknownst to the Crusader, the entire guild, including Faust after much thought, was right behind him. Bit casted Auto-Guard and Endure on himself as he charged recklessly to the MVP, yelling like an idiot though he knows full well he could possibly get killed but does so anyway because he'd rather endure the beatings for everyone else than watch those he cares about suffer for the world's sins.

... and this is why he was called the meat shield.

TO BE CONTINUED...

AN: Yeah, these are based on actual people. And don't forget to join us on Animus! Read and review! (I also don't mind suggestions. Give me one and we'll work with it.)