DISCLAIMER: I don't own nothin', not no way, not no how.

Chapter 1: Prologue

"… and that wraps up the repair status reports. Any other matters to discuss? No? OK, dismissed," Captain Kirk said to his command crew. The Enterprise was still en route to Earth, limping back after the attack on the Narada. As Chekov, Uhura, Scotty, McCoy, Sulu, Giotto, and Spock got up and headed for the door of the Ready Room, Jim said, "Mr. Spock, please stay a moment. There's something I want to discuss with you. Mr. Sulu, you have the conn."

His first officer's carefully neutral face seemed to close in, becoming, if possible, even more of a blank. Despite their successful incursion into the Narada, they were struggling to work together. They had very different styles and disagreed sharply on numerous points. The last time it had happened, Spock had actually been in the wrong, and now things were tense between them, to put it mildly. Jim thought he knew the source of some—maybe most—of their difficulties, at least on his own side, and he decided it was time to try clearing the air.

"Have a seat, Mr. Spock."

"Captain, if this is going to be a reprimand, I would prefer to stand."

Jim looked at him in surprise. "A reprimand? Uh, no. You haven't done anything to warrant a reprimand. I know we've disagreed sometimes, and sometimes pretty vehemently, but it's your job to tell me when you think I'm wrong. And anyway, this isn't about what happened yesterday. No, this is about something else. Please sit down, Mr. Spock."

Spock sat down several seats away from the captain and waited … and waited while Jim began to look more and more uncomfortable. Fixing Kirk with a dark gaze, the first officer finally prompted, "Captain…"

"Sorry, Commander, this is turning out to be harder than I thought." Jim took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly before looking back at Spock and saying, "OK, here goes: I want to apologize for all those awful things I said to you on the bridge during the, uh, the Narada incident, particularly for what I said just before you hit me. I knew I had to provoke the strongest emotional reaction from you that I could, so I picked the worst possible thing I could have said to you at that very moment. But I need for you know that I, uh…," he paused and looked down at the table briefly before bringing his gaze back to the half-Vulcan's. "I felt like the biggest asshole ever saying those things, because even then, I knew not a word of any of it was true."

Spock's eyes widened marginally, and he gave the captain a probing look. "How, may I ask, could you possibly have known that?"

Oh, shit, can't tell him how I really know, Jim thought. But then he remembered why he hadn't truly been all that surprised at the elder Spock's revelations of the depth of feeling that Vulcans could, and did, actually experience. He looked directly into the first officer's eyes and said, very gently, "Spock, I saw your face when you realized that your mother had been lost, and…," he paused and cleared his throat before continuing, "and I, uh…I had to look away."

The half-Vulcan's expression froze, and the hand he had been resting on the table clenched into a white-knuckled fist. Breathing heavily, he momentarily looked towards the black sweep of the cosmos outside the view ports. When he looked back, Jim was staring resolutely at the table, giving him space to regain his composure. Surprised by the sensitivity of the gesture, he tucked it into the back of his mind to be examined in more detail at another time. He willed himself to be calm; his breathing returned to normal, and he relaxed marginally and uncurled his fist. After a moment he said, "Thank you, Captain, for allowing me that moment."

As Kirk looked up at him, Spock continued, "However, this may be an opportune time to stop you."

"What? Why, Spock?"

The commander again noted the friendlier, less formal use of his name, but none-the-less he continued with what he had intended to say. Finding himself unable to quite meet Jim's eyes, he dropped his gaze before saying in a low voice, "Because I cannot accept your apology."

Tension had built around the first officer's eyes again, and his mouth had set into a hard line. The captain thought briefly that he had made the half-Vulcan angry again by attempting to apologize, and he came very close to spitting back, "Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you, then!" But he suddenly realized that his first officer really didn't look angry—no, he somehow looked miserable, despite the generally set mask of his face. Getting up, Jim closed the distance between them and sat down in the chair right next to the commander's. He asked quietly, "Why not, Spock?"

His first officer answered him almost desolately, "Because I cannot apologize to you in return." He paused and swallowed before he went on, "There is no apology I could offer you that could possibly be adequate for what I did." His emotions were very close to the surface now; he turned an agonized gaze on Jim, and said in a near whisper, his voice almost breaking, "I almost killed you, Captain. When I logically contemplate the nearly inevitable course of events had I succeeded…," he trailed off and closed his eyes.

Jim said, "But that didn't happen." He paused a moment to let that sink in; he waited until Spock looked at him again and then said, "Look, who do you think is worse? The guy who tried to choke the asshole who said the absolute worst, most hateful thing he could possibly think of, at the worst possible time, or the asshole who said it? I know which one's worse in my book, and it's not the first guy."

The half-Vulcan continued looking at him bleakly, and unthinkingly, Jim laid a hand on his forearm. He felt an immediate tightening of the muscles beneath his fingers and quickly retracted his hand, saying, "Shit! I'm sorry, Spock. I forget sometimes—it's tough to override what millions of years of primate evolution are telling me to do. "

The captain took a breath and after a moment went back to the topic at hand. "Spock, I think you're underestimating the human capacity for forgiveness. Really, all you have to do is just say you're sorry; that's it, just two words: 'I'm sorry', or I guess in your case, three words: 'I am sorry'," he said in a slight attempt at humor to break the strained atmosphere.

Some of the tension eased around the first officer's eyes, but he remained silent, regarding Kirk solemnly. Unable to quite stop himself, Jim reached toward Spock again, only halting his hand at the last moment before contact. He exclaimed, "Shit! I almost did it again! Bad, Jim!" He paused and then said, "Uh…look, can uh…, can we start over? Maybe I if I sit on my hands or something…."

At that he thought he saw one corner of Spock's mouth tip up very slightly. The half-Vulcan finally broke his silence. "That will not be necessary, Captain. I now realize that Vulcan and human needs must both be taken into account. I am well aware that humans use touch to establish connection and convey reassurance, and I further recognize that it would be beneficial for you to be able to do so now. You therefore have my permission to touch me, as you seem rather inclined to do, while we continue our…conversation."

Jim felt some of the roiling tightness inside him lessen, and he gave the man in front of him a kind of half-smile. He scooted his chair a bit closer to Spock's and then placed a hand very gently on the man's back, his eyes never leaving his first officer's. The muscles under his fingers stayed rigid, but they didn't become any more so, and the half-Vulcan's breathing remained deep and steady. The captain had begun to think that some of the commander's personal difficulties would be ameliorated if he would allow his human side to come through more. He wondered, Is this a bit of progress? Not the time to think about it, before taking a deep breath and saying, "Alright then. Spock, I am profoundly, deeply sorry for what I said. It's asking a lot, I know, but please, can you forgive me?"

"I can and do forgive you, Captain," Spock said quietly. He closed his eyes and glanced down a moment before looking up to lock his gaze onto Kirk's. He then said, "I am sorry as well, Jim, for hitting you and then trying to strangle you. Will you forgive me?"

Inordinately pleased at the unexpected use of his first name, Jim smiled broadly and replied, "Of course I forgive you, Spock." He patted his first officer on the back a couple of times and then reached up to briefly squeeze his shoulder before breaking the contact.

He continued, "That's really all I wanted to say. Is there anything else you want to say to me?"

Spock replied, "No, Captain," but he then drew in a breath as if to continue. After a short hesitation, he said, "Actually, there is." His expression relaxed a bit and his gaze warmed slightly as he said, "I know it took courage for you to broach this subject, but it needed to be done, and you did it. Thank you, Captain."

Jim said simply, "You're welcome, Mr. Spock." They stood at the same time. "Are you OK? Do you need some time before returning to the bridge?"

Again that unexpected sensitivity from his captain that he would have to consider later. Spock said, "I thank you, Captain, but that will not be necessary." Jim nodded, and they headed to the exit.

The door to the Ready Room swooshed open, and Uhura looked over at them as they walked out side by side—Jim smiling slightly, Spock his normal neutral self—and gave an internal sigh of relief. Things had been getting progressively rockier between them over the days of their journey home. They had both looked quite tense when the captain had asked the first officer to stay behind after the meeting, and she had been worried about what might happen. But she now noted that they both somehow looked, well, lighter—it was the best word she could think of to describe the change in their demeanor—and she reflected that maybe, just maybe, they would be able to make this work. She suspected there would still be rough moments, and disagreements and misunderstandings, but for now at least there no longer seemed a danger that one of them (Spock, most likely) would simply snap. She sent out a silent "Thank you!" to the universe in general for this unexpected break and then turned back to her console with a smile as the captain and commander resumed their accustomed places on the bridge.

Author's Note:

This story is dedicated to my beloved husband: my Beta reader, my guide, my light, my all. I could not do this without his loving support. Some of the best lines and good story ideas are his, as is a lot of the military info, but all of the mistakes are mine and mine alone.

This is my take on how Jim Kirk and Spock fall in love. It's a love story, not a sex romp, and it won't get explicit. Uhura is definitely a good guy in my story, even though she and Spock have broken up.

My James T. Kirk is a complex character. Under the bad-ass façade is a sensitive, literate man with broad cultural and artistic knowledge (largely self-acquired), eclectic tastes, and wide-ranging interests. I think he would have to be somewhat like that to capture and keep the interest of someone like Spock. Of course, he's also fun-loving, adventurous, and basically fearless: in other words, in many ways, still ten years old!

The point of view will often be from Jim's perspective, but it will frequently shift over to Spock's, too, and will occasionally go to other characters as well. I don't know how many chapters there will be. I don't have a lot of time to write, and I'm not all that speedy at it, so it's likely that I'll only update every week or so.

It may be silly to start posting a fan fiction story about the 2009 movie (which I loved, by the way) just a couple of days before the 2013 movie opens in the US, but there it is. Here's how it happened. I was a fan of the original series, having seen it on steam television as a teenager when it was first broadcast (OK, you do the math), and I saw several of the subsequent movies. So I was well aware of the very palpable love between Jim and Spock. But I never, ever picked up on the possible homosexual aspect of their relationship, thinking of it instead as a deeply intense friendship, a bromance, as it were. Beyond that, I thought of Kirk as a skirt-chaser playboy-type who was married to his ship.

Then a few months ago I went to a party where I met a woman who told me about slash fiction—I'd never even heard of it before—and she filled me in on all the clues in TOS and the movies that point to the true nature of the relationship between Jim and Spock. She freely acknowledged that Kirk slept with lots of women (this is more than just heavily implied in TOS), but she pointed out the evidence that the person that Jim was in love with—the person he risked his career for—was Spock. She also told me about the wonderful fan fiction story Home by Lanaea, which is about the Jim and Spock from the 2009 movie falling in love; if you haven't read it, you should—it's truly awesome! I went home and read the story over the next several days (it's a long one, and I should warn you, the author never finished it, but it's far enough along that you can tell where it's going to go), and I found myself absolutely intrigued by the thought of this relationship. I started thinking about how I would spin this yarn, and before I knew it, this story was starting to swirl around in my head, and I don't think my brain is going to shut up about it until I write it all down. So I'm going to do that, and if I'm lucky, a few people will read it.

So anyway, stay tuned for love, romance, adventure, friendship, drama, humor, hurt/comfort, science, the arts, politics, and religion—in other words, something for everyone!