Chapter 1: Casablanca
Rumour Has It
Katie Fitch is a famous television star, Effy Stonem a struggling independent filmmaker. When they accidentally end up as the UK's hottest couple, how far are they willing to go for the headlines? How many lies can two people live?
Act I: Casablanca
"I don't know what to tell you except scandal sells."
Katie threw herself onto the casting couch. "But she's not even doing anything scandalous!"
Michelle shrugged, flipping through a breakdown. "Good twin turns bad and shags her way through Europe. It's an attention getter."
"Emily's already had five jobs this year. Five."
"You did that Emma Bunton pilot." Katie glared and Michelle put down her papers. "Look, I've got you scheduled for three auditions this week."
"I don't want some stupid bit part, I need a role. Something edgy, something new."
Michelle leant back in her chair. "I'm doing all I can Katie. Emily has buzz. Girls, drugs, DUIs. People either love her or hate her, and Maxxie's turned her into a little gay metaphor for the youth of the nation."
"So what? I have to go snort lines in public and crash my car to get a fucking part?"
"No, people already expect that from you." Michelle tapped her pen on the desk. "We need to rebrand."
"Yeah, because our last rebranding was such a fucking success."
"WAG was in. You got tons of press coverage with Danny Guillermo."
"But no fucking jobs." Katie griped, covering her eyes with her arm. "People thought I was a ditzy slag. Not the kind of girl you want headlining your production."
Michelle chewed on her pen. "Okay, how do you feel about charity work? Some overseas placement. Starving children, exotic locale, you roughing it just like the average pale skinned Brit. Bad twin goes good?" Katie lifted her arm to show Michelle exactly what she thought about that idea. "Well it was a worth a try."
Katie let out a frustrated growl. "Fuck, it's not fucking fair. We look exactly the same! Why does Emily get all the jobs?" Michelle opened her mouth but Katie waved her off. "Yeah, yeah. Scandal sells."
"Don't stress, something will come through. It's just a matter of time–"
"I don't have time!" Katie cut in angrily, before catching herself. After a deep breath, she sat up and looked Michelle in the eye. "I have bills Mich. It's been months since I had a decent pay cheque, and I…I need a job, okay?"
Michelle absorbed this piece of information, then sat back in her chair. "So you're saying you're desperate."
"Yeah, I'd fucking say so." Katie snapped, none too pleased with Michelle's attitude.
"Then I have an idea." Michelle threw her feet onto her desk. "You date a girl." Katie narrowed her eyes and Michelle put her hands behind her head. "I'm serious. Think of all the attention you'd get if both the nation's beloved twins were out and proud." Katie snorted. "Katie, people have watched you on tv since you were five years old. They're attached, but you've got to keep giving them a reason to pay attention."
"Yes, but I'm not gay." Katie stated as if Michelle was a small child.
"So act." Michelle replied in the same tone of voice. "It's not like any of your other relationships have been real."
Katie bit her lip, thinking it over. "Right, okay…so like a one night stand or something?"
Michelle shook her head. "Nope, relationship. Emily's getting attention because she's being like you, so now you have to be like her."
"But, like…this is insane Michelle. I'm not gay."
Michelle grinned. "Think of it like a role of a lifetime."
"Fuck." Katie ran her hand through her hair. "I can't believe this is what my life has come to." She took a deep breath. "Fine, yeah…organise it."
"Oh no, I'm not having any part in this." Michelle stated firmly. "The paparazzi will smell a PR stunt from a mile off. It needs to be legit and entirely your doing."
Katie looked horrified. "You mean you want me to pull a girl?"
Michelle chuckled. "I'm sure you have good taste."
"No." Katie shook her head frantically. "I can't do this. It's too weird."
Michelle shrugged, flipping her laptop back open. "You're the one with bills to pay."
"Ems?"
"Hello?" There was a great deal of yelling in the background, and Katie could hear Emily's breaths as she moved away from the noise. "Who is this?"
"Your twin." Katie stated dryly, nodding at the clerk pointing at a pack of fags.
"Sorry, new phone. Number got leaked again."
"Right." Katie pocketed her change and stepped out the shop. "Where are you?"
"Premiere. That new Daniel Radcliff thing."
"Fantastic." Katie muttered as she reached the door to Emily's building. "Well I need one of your tarts."
"What are – for fuck sakes, hold on a sec." Emily pulled the phone away from her mouth and Katie could hear the distinct noise of a photographer yelling to get Emily's attention. A series of camera clicks later, Emily returned to the phone. "Fucking vultures. Sorry, what were you saying?"
Katie sighed, leaning against the side of the building to light a fag. "I need to borrow one of your girlfriends."
"What?" Emily asked in confusion.
Katie took a long drag. "Yeah, I'm into girls now. So like…give me one."
Emily grunted. "They're not my girlfriends and I have no idea what you're up to, but if you want to hire a girl I'd suggest Kings Cross." Emily pulled the phone away and had a half muffled conversation. "Sorry Kay, I've got to go. Maxxie's trying to put something together with Mini McGuinness and I've been told to impress."
"Wait, I need–"
"I'll call you tomorrow." Emily ended the call, already giggling at someone blonde and pretty.
"Bitch." Katie snapped her mobile shut and stubbed out her cigarette. Emily's flat was messier than usual, which either meant a shaggathon or a bout of depression, but the mystery was solved when Katie found two glasses, two plates, and a pair of pants on the kitchen floor. Kicking them out of the way, Katie went straight for the liquor cabinet.
Three quarters of a bottle of vodka later, Katie was drunk. After the whole assaulting Danny's ex in a club fiasco, Katie had taken a big step back from the booze. Her tolerance had dropped to an abysmal low, probably the lowest it'd been since she was 13 years old, and another half bottle of vodka would put her exactly where she needed to be.
Emily, being the gayest gay in existence, lived in the middle of Soho, her flat in a prime location for pulling. Katie only had to stumble three blocks before she found what she was looking for, an upscale looking bar with a flag in the window, girls plastered against the wall.
It was hot and crowded, not unlike every other club she'd been to, that was until she looked around the clientele and found half a room of girls looking back at her. Katie was used to being stared at, as a twin and a child star she'd made peace with being a spectacle long ago. But this was different. This was real life. This was Katie without Emily.
Alone at a gay bar.
"Christ." Katie muttered to herself as she pushed through the crowd towards the bar. So far so good, no one had recognised her. Except that she wanted people to recognise her. "Fuck." It was wrong. So wrong. What would her mother say? And could she really face all the heat from her friends, from the people who would know that she was lying? All for the sake of attention.
Katie loved acting, loved the glamour and the parties and the feeling of pride she got when she did a take just right, when for a second in time she was something more than herself. But this wasn't her, and no amount of alcohol was ever going to change that. Giving up on her quest for a drink, Katie turned around. If she left now, she could still catch the tube back to her flat and sleep this whole nightmare off.
Katie took one step and was greeted with a full drink down her front.
"Shit! Sorry. Someone slammed into me from behind."
Katie wiped at the front of her dress. "The perfect end to my perfect day."
"Here, let me buy you a drink to make up for it."
Katie gave up on her dress with a heavy sigh. "No thanks, I'm not…" Katie looked up and took in the girl in front of her. Pretty, brunette, and decidedly less dykey than Katie was expecting.
"Ef! There you are. I thought I lost you to…" A blonde landed at their side. "Oh. Sorry. Didn't realise you had company." The girl tilted her head. "Do I know you from somewhere?"
"No." Katie replied firmly, looking at the exit.
"Are you sure I can't buy you–"
"No." Katie cut in, already moving towards the door. She made it halfway across the room before she paused, feeling the club beats vibrate through her. After a moment's indecision, Katie reached into her purse. "Here." Katie reappeared at the brunette's side and shoved a card into her hand, before turning on her heel and fleeing the club, leaving nothing but a blur of red in her wake.
Act II: The Artist
"Grab my balls! Grab my balls!"
"Oh god Naomi! Don't stop baby, don't stop!"
Effy groaned, burying her head under a pillow. "Please make it stop."
Freddie chuckled, wrapping his arm around Effy. "Rough night?"
"Naomi dragged me all over town." Effy muttered, doing her best to ignore the rhythmic thumps against the wall. "My fucking head is killing me."
Freddie kissed her shoulder. "Well it sounds like it had a happy ending."
"A wizzer ending." Pandora added as she snuggled into Effy's other side.
The banging had a triumphant crescendo, then one half of the warehouse went quiet. "Fuck yes Naoms." Cook called out as two footsteps echoed down the corridor, followed by the chain on the garage door. "See ya babe." Seconds later, Cook strutted past the sheet divider into Freddie and Effy's section of the warehouse. "Beaut of a morning, innit?"
"Fuck off and die."
"Effy is grumpy pants." Pandora explained as she moved over to make room for Cook on the bed. "Naomi made her snort drugs."
"Oh Naomi!" A girly yell echoed around the warehouse.
Cook grinned as he stole one of Freddie's shirts off the floor. "Girl got game."
"Girl gonna get crabs." Effy mumbled, pressing the pillow against her ears. A few minutes later, the garage door rolled open for a second time, Naomi's goodbye grunt decidedly less chipper than Cook's.
"Morning porn star." Cook greeted as Naomi staggered into the room.
Naomi crawled up the bed and collapsed between Pandora and Effy. "Ow."
"What's this? The bitches of Bristol defeated by hangovers?" Cook poked her side. "For shame Campbell. What would your mother say?"
"That I need a liver cleanse." Naomi rolled onto her back with a pained groan. "Sorry about kicking you out our room Panda."
"Flat rules." Pandora answered happily. "And Tommo's in town next week."
Naomi squinted at the ceiling. "Christ, I don't even remember getting home."
"Picture yourself in a cab with a hand up that slag's skirt. I'll cherish the memories forever."
"Sorry Ef." Naomi patted Effy's pillow covered head. "You know what tequila does to me." Naomi ran her hand through her hair and found some lettuce and kebab sauce. "And if remember correctly, I wasn't the only one pulling."
"What?" Freddie asked a little worriedly.
"Effy tried to romcom her way into some girl's pants." Off everyone's blank looks, Naomi grunted. "She dumped her drink on a girl and got a number?"
"Accidentally." Effy clarified for Freddie's benefit.
"Still have it?" Naomi asked with a mischievous grin.
"Probably." Effy lifted her hips so Naomi could try to find the card in her jeans. After a bit of searching, Naomi fished it out of Effy's left pocket and held up to the light streaming through the skylight, which was actually Cook cutting a hole in the roof and duct taping a sheet of plastic to give the warehouse enough sunlight for interior shots.
"Holy shit." Naomi jerked up, causing everyone on the mattress bounce in place. "Do you know who that was?"
"Some girl you want to fuck?" Effy muttered with the least amount of interest possible.
Naomi ripped the pillow off Effy's head. "Emily Fitch."
Cook snatched the card out of Naomi's hand. "Some genius you are, it says Katie Fitch." Cook held the card up to the light like it would have some secret code on the back. "Are we talking the Katie Fitch?"
Naomi shoved Effy's shoulder. "How can you not know who the Fitch twins are?"
"Why are you abusing me?" Effy complained as her stomach jolted around in protest.
"They're like, uber famous." Pandora gushed in excitement. "Mum used to go gaga over White Houses." Effy had no response. "That tv show they were on?
Effy reached for her pillow. "I don't watch tv."
"God, you're such a cliché." Naomi leant over Effy and Freddie and grabbed Freddie's iPhone from the milk crates masquerading as furniture. "Look." Naomi pulled up Emily Fitch's profile on IMDB and held it up in front of Effy's face. "Emily. Fitch."
Effy squinted at the screen. "Battle of the Babes? Oh yeah, I'm really missing out on a defining cultural experience right there."
Naomi scrolled through Emily's filmography. "I'm serious Ef, she's like a big time tv star."
"She's been in tons of stuff." Freddie confirmed, sitting up to see the screen.
Effy rolled her eyes and stole the phone out of Naomi's hand. "It wasn't her."
"It was." Naomi argued. "Remember I said I knew her from somewhere?"
"No, I mean…" Effy pulled up a picture of the twins and pointed to the girl on the left. "It was that one."
Naomi shook her head. "Emily's the gay one. Trust me, I know my actresses' orientations."
"Yeah you do." Cook said, giving Naomi a high five. "Although I'm holding out for twin action."
Effy flipped through some of Emily's pictures. "I'm telling you, it was the other one."
"You're wrong, but whatever." Naomi snatched the phone back. "Here…" Naomi typed in the number on the card and pressed the phone into Effy's hand. "Call her."
Effy snorted. "You call her."
"I'll call her." Cook offered, reaching over to claim the phone.
Naomi smacked Cook's hand away and looked at Effy. "Don't you get it? This is our chance."
"At…"
"Effy." Naomi replied in exasperation. "What do we want more than anything?"
"To make our film." Naomi gave her a look. "What? Oh fuck off. Like some Hollywood wannabe is going to be interested in an art film."
"She has connections, Ef. Agents. Distributors. If you show her your script–"
"I'm not showing her my script." Effy cut in defensively. "We don't need commercial money."
"We don't need commercial money?" Naomi echoed in disbelief. "Effy, look around. We're living in an abandoned factory. I mean, do you want to pour pints for the rest of your life? This film is why we moved to London. It's why Cook takes shitty auditions, and Freddie makes backing tracks for terrible punk bands, and I take portraits of screaming babies. So that we can do this. Together."
"I refuse to sell out Nai. Something else will come along."
"When?" Naomi questioned in frustration. "Panda's graduating next semester, which means one less person to put in rent. We can hardly afford this place as it is."
"She's right." Cook agreed, sparking up a spliff. "We're running out of money."
"Your ideas are good Effy." Naomi gestured to the storyboards tapped to Freddie and Effy's sheet walls. "Fucking mind blowing, actually. But what's the point if we're never going to have the money to make them into anything?"
"They're right babe." Freddie said, leaning over everyone to steal the spliff out of Cook's hand. "Maybe you should check it out?"
"You want me to go on a date with some actress?" Effy asked him in surprise.
Freddie shrugged. "It's not like it's real."
"Exactly. You don't have to marry her. Just a couple dinners, maybe a cocktail party. Get in, make some contacts, get out. What's the worst that can happen?" Naomi tried hopefully.
"You of all people should know better than to ask that." Effy sighed, looking at the phone in her hand. "I don't even know how to date someone."
"But you're dating Freddie?" Pandora stated in confusion.
"No, I get stoned and fuck Freddie. I just happen not to be fucking anyone else at the same time."
Freddie nodded. "She is pretty shit at it."
Naomi rolled her eyes. "It's not quantum physics. You flirt, you giggle, you ask her to meet you for a drink."
"You want me to giggle?" Effy asked, not even trying to hide her disdain.
"Fine, chuckle mysteriously. Just fucking do it, would you?"
After a long, tension-filled pause, Effy hit the call button on the phone. "One date. And when this turns out to be a dead end, you all owe me a day of alone time in the studio." Effy lifted the phone to her ear, waiting as the dial tone connected through. "And for fuck sakes, someone give me some Paracetamol."
Act III: Strangers on a Train
"So."
"So."
Effy shifted on her bar stool, feeling absolutely moronic. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, taking fashion advice from Naomi and Pandora was a clear lapse in judgement. Her horrifically flowery dress was verging on 1950s housewife, and the so-called 'anti-goth' makeup Naomi had slathered her in made her feel one platform heel away from an honorary Spice Girl.
"Been here before?"
"Nope."
Effy took another sip of her gin and tonic ("no beer Effy, you're dating an actress not a footballer") and forced out a smile ("often! like she's offering you pills!").
Katie looked stunning, done up in a designer dress and killer pair of stilettos, but it was clear from the look on her face she was having just as much fun as Effy was. "So Effy, what is it that you do?"
Effy inspected the fancy bar, accented with different polishes of white. "I work at a pub in North London."
"Great." Katie replied sounding like it was as far from great as it could get.
Effy rubbed her cheek, cringing when her fingers ended up covered in a layer of blush. "Well it's more of a temporary thing." Effy glanced at Katie, trying to sound as nonchalant as she could. "I'm working on a film."
Katie hid it well, but Effy caught the spark of interest in her eye. "What kind of film?"
Effy swirled the straw around her drink. "An escapist piece. It's about the futility of life."
"Right." Katie downed the rest of her martini. "Interesting."
"What?" Effy questioned, noticing Katie's small smirk.
"Nothing." Katie replied, catching the bartender's eye for a refill.
"You obviously want to say something." Effy pressed, her good girl persona ("be polite Effy, like Pandora's mother is watching") starting to slip.
Katie eyed Effy, then shrugged. "It's just a bit morbid. Movies are supposed to inspire people, you know? They don't have to be happy, but there's got to be hope."
"Hope is a pointless concept. You either do something or you don't, hoping doesn't achieve anything."
"Are you always this cheerful?" Katie asked dryly, the tense moment interrupted by the bartender swinging by with another round of drinks.
"Here you are Ms. Fitch."
"I told you to call me Katie." Katie said with a playful arm slap, soaking up the attention the bar staff had been bestowing on her all night.
Once they were alone again, Katie looked at Effy expectantly. Effy cleared her throat, resisting the urge to pick up her new drink and finish it in one go. "So what's it like being a famous tv star?"
"Dull." Katie swished her martini around her glass. "No one ever talks to you without a motive."
"Oh." Effy grabbed a handful of honey-roasted peanuts sitting in the middle of the table, feeling slightly guilty. "Well I guess no one ever really talks to anyone without a motive."
"You wouldn't understand." Katie said, looking past Effy's shoulder. "No one but Emily does."
Effy pursed her lips, reminding herself to be nice. "Are you two close?"
Katie's eyes flashed with something fierce. "I don't talk about my sister."
"But you're the one who..." Effy crunched on her nuts. "Sure."
Katie sighed, taking another long sip of her drink. "It's nothing personal, but Emily's off limits. It's just the way things have to be." Effy said nothing and Katie tapped her finger on the table. "So what do you do for fun?"
"Write."
"For fun?" Katie asked in confusion.
"For fun." Effy confirmed, a bit of defensiveness creeping into her tone.
"Yeah, okay...I guess that could be fun." Katie looked around the bar, obviously unenthused by Effy's answer.
Effy tried to plaster another smile on her face. "Do you have a favourite movie?"
"Notting Hill." Effy's smile faltered. "You know, the one with Hugh Grant and Julia–"
"Yeah, I know who…" Effy slipped her mobile into her pocket and stood up. "Excuse me for a moment. I'm going to the toilets."
Katie waved her hand, reaching for her drink, and if Effy wasn't so desperate to flee the table she would have been pissed about the blatant dismissal.
One step into the women's toilets, Effy whipped out her mobile.
"Well? Is it love?"
"She's a flakey uneducated egotistical bitch!"
Naomi snorted, the recognisable sound of Freddie's base lines thumping in the background. "You think everyone's a flakey uneducated egotistical bitch. Did you talk about the film?"
"Yes."
"And?"
"And she said it was interesting."
"Interesting like wow this is the film of a lifetime or interesting like oh great JJ's making another insect documentary?"
"This is ridiculous Naomi. I'm sitting in some posh bar talking about Hugh Grant." Effy poked at a paper towel dispenser, releasing one baby soft sheet at a time. "Hugh Grant."
"So change the topic to Bergman."
"I doubt she knows who Bergman is." Effy muttered, mostly to herself.
"Be nice."
"Why?" Effy complained, slipping off her right heel, the strap having rubbed a blister into the side of her foot. "This is a complete waste of time. The only people she's going to have on speed dial are hairdressers and dog walkers."
"And you know this how?"
"She's an actress Naomi."
"You're an actress Effy." Naomi argued amicably.
Effy grunted. "No, I'm acting in our film because we can't find anyone else." Effy ran her finger under the sensor on the tap, watching as water sprayed up from the centre of a glass bowl. "You should see the way she toys with people."
"Kind of like you?"
"Fuck you." Effy snapped, pulling her hand away from the sink. "I'm doing this for your benefit."
Naomi scoffed. "Right."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're the most stubborn person I've ever met and you've never done anything you didn't want to do. And you're currently on a date with Katie Fitch, so…"
"Just because you're a slag doesn't mean everyone else is."
"Hit a nerve did I?" Naomi asked in amusement.
"Naomi." Effy warned with very little patience.
Naomi rolled her eyes. "Yes, I'm terribly sorry you're being forced to endure the company of a beautiful woman in a nice bar. But think of the bigger picture. All you need is one name. One person who might read your script and decide it's worth pursuing."
"It's not the kind of thing I can drop into the conversation." Effy looked at herself in the mirror, taking in her perfectly curled hair and pink lipstick. "You know what, I'm done."
"Don't be stupid."
"No, this isn't me. If you want this so bad, you can do it yourself."
"Effy, don't–"
Effy ended the call, powering down her mobile. By the time she made it back to the table, Katie was typing something on her iPhone, a small smile on her face. Effy cleared her throat and Katie looked up, placing her phone beside her drink.
"Sorry Katie, but I'm going to have to–" Effy stopped when Katie's phone went off, the Pussycat Dolls ringtone echoing around the bar.
Katie reached for it. "I swear I wouldn't normally do this, but that's my sister's ringtone. I just need to make sure it's not important."
Effy took a seat with a sigh. "Sure."
Katie pressed the phone to her ear with an apologetic smile. "Hi Ems."
"Don't you hi Ems me. I was one drink away from getting Mini into bed you douche. And what, are we twelve? You haven't needed me to rescue you from a date since we were working on White Houses."
"Oh god." Katie gasped, dropping her drink onto the table. "Is he alright?"
"Steady on Winslet. I'm not holding a fake funeral."
"I told James he was going to kill himself on that thing!" Katie replied, turning away from Effy to muffle the sound of Emily's voice.
"His push bike?" Emily asked sarcastically. "Who are you with anyway? I thought you were taking a break from men since they were all arrogant arseholes with useless cocks."
"Middlesex hospital?"
"Oh, and another thing, did you have to drink all my vodka? I offered some girl a sex on the beach only to have to downgrade it to a rum and coke. Talk about slumming it."
"A&E?"
"Well now I'm just bored. Still coming for dinner on Tuesday?"
"I'll see you there."
"Bring red. Love you slag."
"Love you too." Katie hung up the phone and reached for her purse. "I'm so sorry to have to do this to you, but my brother crashed his bike."
"I hope he's okay."
"Just some broken bones. Not the first time, probably won't be the last." Katie dropped a fifty onto the table. "But I really should go make sure everyone's alright. Emily's in a terrible state."
"Of course." Effy grabbed her jacket, unable to believe her luck.
The second she stepped outside the bar, Katie held up her hand to hail a cab. "Well, this has been fun."
"Yep." Effy concurred, reaching into her pocket for a fag. "A real blast."
A cab skidded to a halt in front of them and Katie turned to Effy. "So I guess I'll see you arou–"
"Emily!" Katie turned and was nearly beheaded by a telephoto lens. "Cassie Ainsworth, photographer for Now." Effy held a hand up in front of her face as a series of blinding flashes went off. "Who's the girl?"
Katie hesitated, then grabbed Effy's hand, pulling it down so Cassie had a clear shot. "It's Katie actually."
"And you're fucking her?" Cassie asked, stepping into their path as she snapped picture after picture.
Katie tightened her fingers around Effy's. "We're not interested in the publicity." Katie spun Effy around and slammed their lips together, nearly knocking Effy over with her ferociousness. "She means too much to me to be front page news." Effy blinked and Katie reached up to tuck some of Effy's hair behind her ear. "Call me, yeah?"
"Why, what are you doing?" Cassie questioned, zooming in on Effy's face. "Party? Dinner? Theatre?"
Katie smiled as she stepped into the waiting cab. "See you soon baby."
Effy opened her mouth to respond, but the cab was already gone, Katie blowing a kiss out the back window.
"Name?" Cassie demanded as she pulled out a spiral note pad and a pair of dramatic sunglasses.
"Effy."
"Effy what?" Effy shook her head and Cassie scribbled something on the paper. "Gay? Bi? Straight but pretending to be gay or bi?" Effy rolled her eyes and turned away, staring her walk towards the tube. "Doing Katie? Doing Emily? Going for a threesome?"
"Are you for real?" Effy asked as Cassie fell into step behind her.
"What do you think of Danny? Total bastard, right? Want to punch him in the face?" Effy said nothing and Cassie hurried along beside her. "How did you and Katie meet? Set? Studio? Sex club?"
"Goodbye Cassie." Effy said as she reached the entrance to the station.
"Goodbye Elizabeth Stonem." Effy turned around in surprise and Cassie tossed her wallet at her. "Be careful with that. You wouldn't want it falling into the wrong hands."
"You stole my wallet?"
"You dropped your wallet." Cassie corrected with a smile. "I'm merely being a good Samaritan and returning it. Let me know if you ever want to talk. My card's inside."
"Not going to happ…" Effy blinked at the empty sidewalk, Cassie having mysteriously disappeared from sight. "Never again." Effy vowed to herself, starting down the stairs towards the North Victoria train. "Never never again."
Act IV: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
"Katie! I know you're in there! Open up right fucking now!"
Katie stumbled through her flat, stubbing her toe on the edge of her lounge chair as she rounded the corner. "Cunting ass fuck!"
"Katie!" Emily yelled, pounding at the door. "I'm not leaving until you open this door!"
Katie unlatched the chain and ripped her door open, clutching at her foot. "What the fuck is wrong with you? It's six o'clock the bloody morn–"
Emily held up Now magazine, Katie and Effy's kiss plastered across the front.
"Holy shit." Katie grabbed it out of Emily's hand, dropping her throbbing foot the floor. "How hot is that?"
Emily snatched the magazine back, flipping till she landed on the centre spread. "A source close to the twins said Katie and Effy have been secretly dating for over a month. But hiding no more, Katie took to the streets with her new beau proclaiming 'I love this girl and I want everyone to know!'" Katie pushed Emily's hand out the way to check out the elaborate photo spread and Emily slammed the magazine shut. "Are you gay?"
"God no." Katie reached for the article. "What else does it say?"
Emily moved the magazine out of reach and glared at her sister. "Then what the fuck Katie?"
"Michelle told me to date a girl. Drum up publicity and whatever." Katie held out her hand out expectantly. "So come on, give."
Emily searched Katie's face. "You're sure? You know you could tell me if you were?"
"Jesus Emily, I'm not gay." Katie ripped the magazine out of Emily's hand, turning her back to find the article for herself. "It's not real."
Emily pointed to a close up of Katie holding her hand against the side of Effy's face. "It looks pretty real to me."
"Her hair needed intervention." Katie studied the infographic depicting the history of Katie and Effy's relationship. "Five weeks? That's all Cassie gave me?"
"It's been going on longer?" Emily asked in suspicion.
"Fuck no, I met her three days ago. An hour was torture enough."
"Wait, this is the date you wanted out of?" Emily leant over Katie's shoulder to inspect Effy's picture. "Who is this girl?"
Katie ran her finger down the article till she found a paragraph on Effy's background. "From Bristol apparently. Short films on youtube. Close-knit group of friends on Facebook. Blah artsy freak blah." Katie made a face. "Alternative? I don't want an alternative girlfriend."
"So this whole thing is a scam?" Emily frowned. "You're both completely uninterested?"
"Oh no she's totally into me." Katie squinted at the title of one of Effy's films. "Does that really say what I think it says?"
"Katie!" Emily hit Katie's shoulder. "You can't lead the poor girl on."
"Do you ever listen to yourself?"
"I don't lead girls on." Emily stepped past her sister into the flat. "They leave completely satisfied."
"That's not what they write on the message boards." Katie followed Emily into the kitchen. "And it's not like I'm going to ask her to be exclusive. A couple of dinners, I'll let her kiss me goodnight because clearly I respect myself too much to sleep with someone so soon. Then five dates later, whoops, it's not you it's me. I'm just not ready to be in a relationship. Feel free to frame our front page covers as a souvenir."
"It still seems cruel." Emily started up Katie's Nespresso machine. "I mean, five dates without sex?"
"Well that's four more dates than you'd give her." Katie snorted at the description of her and Effy's romantic Paris getaway. "So I'm just going to go ahead and ignore you completely."
"I love this girl and I want everyone to know!"
"Would you stop?" Effy groaned, taking another hit off the bong. "There's no way she actually said that. The reporter was all kinds of dodgy." Naomi readjusted her focus and snapped a picture of Effy as she exhaled. "And you can cut that out too."
"I'm just working on my tell all story for when you become Mrs. Fitch and leave us plebs in squalour."
Effy held up her middle finger. "Tell everyone this."
Naomi took the picture. "Profound." Effy rolled her eyes and Naomi lowered her camera. "Oh come on, even you have to admit that your date was a roaring success."
"Being bombarded with calls from reporters wanting to talk about my sex life is not a roaring success."
"But the 200 000 new hits on our YouTube channel are." Naomi returned to her actual work, photographing an architectural model of a skyscraper. "So you're going to talk to her, right?"
Effy lay back on the couch, feeling the warehouse spin around her. "Nope."
"That was a strongly worded suggestion that is going to turn into a threat in a minute." Naomi said, switching a filter on her lens. "60, 59, 58…"
Effy rolled her eyes. "You really need to get a hold of your inner Gina."
"Come on Ef. You know this worked. Your inbox is full, your youtube videos are getting ten times the audience and one of the many voicemail messages you're dodging could be someone looking to fund our film." Effy shook her head stubbornly. "Fine, give me your mobile."
"Why?" Effy questioned, waving her hand in front of Naomi's light.
"Because if you won't do this, I will. She's fit and connected, I've slept with people for far less." Naomi lifted her camera from around her neck and returned it to it's case. "Come on, I didn't save her number."
"You're just going to ring her pretending to be me." Effy accused, closing her eyes.
"I'm not." Effy ignored her. "I swear on my D300 I'm not." Effy opened one eye and Naomi held out her pinkie. When Effy didn't take it, Naomi raised an eyebrow. "What's the problem Ef? Jealous?"
Effy grunted, reaching into her pocket to give Naomi her mobile. "Have at it then."
"I will." Naomi scrolled through Effy's contact list. "What do you think? Babe or hun?"
Effy twisted so her head was hanging off the edge of the couch. "Try bitch."
"If you say so." Naomi leapt up onto the arm of the couch and typed out a message at a blindingly fast pace.
"Shit!" Effy struggled to right herself, lunging at Naomi from her half-upside down position. "Naomi! Don't you dare!"
Naomi hit send and dropped the phone into Effy's hand, jumping back onto the floor. "Sorry boo, you just can't fight love."
"Fuck!" Effy yelled, tumbling off the edge of the couch as she read over the message. "You promised you wouldn't do that!"
Naomi smirked, stepping over Effy's sprawled out form to take a seat on the couch. "No Ef, I promised I wouldn't ring her. That was a text." Naomi threw her feet up onto the table. "Honestly, it's like you've never seen a sitcom before."
Katie reached for her phone nervously. "Do you think mum's going to be mad?"
"Let's put it this way…I'm officially in Italy for the week." Emily flipped through the rest of Now, lounging in Katie's bay window. "Ugh, my tits are totally lopsided in that picture."
"Cheers." Katie typed in her password. "I'm so glad I can count on your unwavering supp…oh crap."
"What?" Emily asked, looking up from the flowchart of her latest conquests. "Mum fly off the handle?"
"No, not quite." Katie tossed Emily her phone.
Playing hard to get? Bitch, I'm wounded.
Emily snorted. "You've got a player on your hands."
"Great, just what I nee– what are you doing?"
Emily hit send and threw Katie's phone back. "Playing hard to get."
Who is this?
"Ha. Oldest trick in the book." Naomi reached over to take the phone out of Effy's hand. "Here, let me–"
Effy smacked Naomi's hand away. "No way. You've done enough damage thank you very much."
"Whatever." Naomi sat back in her seat and watched Effy. "You have no idea what to say, do you?"
Effy threw her phone onto the coffee table in frustration. "No."
Naomi patted her arm. "Don't worry, you're in there."
"I don't want to be in there." Effy reminded with a scowl. "I have a boyfriend?"
"A boyfriend who's given you his blessing because he knows what a good opportunity this is?" Effy sighed and Naomi shifted closer. "Look, you're overthinking this. You've fucked girls before. Just do what you used to do, but you know, without the actual fucking?"
"Say that a little louder, I don't think Cook's whipped his cock out yet." Effy slumped down in her seat. "You really think we'll be able to find someone who will be interested in my script?"
"Yes."
Effy held Naomi's gaze for a beat, then nudged her phone towards Naomi with her foot. "Fine. Do it."
The girl you owe half a date. Figured out how you're going to make it up to me yet?
"Thanks a lot Emily, now I'm fucked."
"Why?" Emily grabbed the phone out of Katie's hand and read the message. "Damn, I wish all girls were this easy."
Katie hovered anxiously. "So what do I say?"
"Whatever you want to say." Emily held out the phone for Katie to take. "This is your great love affair." Katie bit her lip. "Katie, she's a girl, not a disease. Just write whatever you'd text to a boy."
"I'll suck your cock might not be the way to go here."
Emily cringed. "Okay, number one, don't text that to anyone. Number two…well, I have no number two because I'm stuck on number one."
Katie rolled her eyes. "I'm straight Emily. That's what I do."
"Then may I suggest you stop trying to date girls?" Emily replied, shaking Katie's phone in front of her face.
"Please Ems?"
What are you doing tomorrow night?
Tiffany. But I might be able to schedule you in.
All night?
Depends where you're taking me...
Mini McGuinness film premiere.
"Emily, I don't want to–"
Dress code?
"Naomi, there's no fucking way I'm going to–"
Anything you'd want your picture taken in (in public)
Have a good day. I won't be thinking of you at all (in public)
Why would you? It's not like I have a bikini spread in Cosmo.
"I can't believe you just agreed for me to go to a Hollywood film premiere." Effy muttered as Naomi passed her phone back. Naomi stood up and offered a hand to help Effy off the couch. "What are you doing?"
"Taking you shopping."
"Oh hell no." Effy said, shifting away from Naomi's hand. "I refuse to fall for mass consumerism and–"
"Boys! I require some assistance!"
"Did you have to make me sound like such a slag?" Katie complained as she hooked her phone up to its charger.
"What? They're good pictures." Emily took a sip of her coffee. "I'm sure she's busy wanking over them already."
"Emily, that's disgusting."
Emily shook her head at her sister. "Katie, you're a good actress, but there's no fucking way you have what it takes to pull this off."
Act V: La Dolce Vita
"Well?"
Effy stepped out of her bedroom dressed in the tightest, shortest, most inappropriate black dress Naomi had ever seen. Her hair was teased to the extreme, with silvery material twisted throughout, the look made all that more fierce with heavy black eye makeup and a metallic bracelet that snaked halfway up her arm. "Oh god, what have you done?"
Freddie and Cook exchanged a look as Pandora squealed in excitement. "Effy, you look like a rock star."
"Thanks Panda." Effy stole Freddie's beer out his hand and downed it, somehow managing to leave her bright red lipstick entirely intact. "So I've been thinking."
"About auditioning for the Kiss reunion tour?" Naomi asked in dismay.
Effy smiled, and despite the radicalness of her outfit, she looked amazing. "Not quite. You keep saying that I need to be noticed, right?" Naomi nodded, still in a state of shock. Effy gestured to herself. "Ta da."
Freddie looked her up and down. "Babe, that's genius."
"Okay, but this is Katie Fitch." Naomi ran her eyes over the slit exposing Effy's upper upper thigh. "She's not exactly a take it to extremes kind of girl."
"Well I think you look hot." Cook said, cracking open another beer. "I'd do you."
"You've done me." Effy reminded, pulling out her leather motorcycle boots. "And you got a lot more than Katie's going to get."
"You're wasting such great tits." Cook lamented for the fifth time that evening.
Effy rolled her eyes and turned back to Naomi. "Look, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it my way. If someone wants to fund our film they need to know who I am. The real me."
"But couldn't you show them who you are in the dress we bought yesterday? Real you, but a little less…" Naomi gestured at Effy's everything.
Effy shook her head. "Faking things with Katie is hard enough, I can't pretend to be someone else as well. It's just too much Nai."
Naomi sighed. "Yeah, I get that."
Effy laced up her boots and stood up. "If she likes me, she'll be all right with it. If she doesn't…well, then she wouldn't have helped us anyway. And at least this way I have a better chance of getting noticed by someone who might take us seriously."
Naomi took the spliff Pandora offered her, giving Effy a through once over. "You know, I thought I'd seen every side of you, but Punk Slut Barbie really takes the cake."
Effy flipped Naomi off, catching the bag of powder Cook tossed her way. "Don't think I don't see you checking out my ass Campbell."
Naomi held Effy's keys up with a grin. "Be good."
Freddie stood up and gave Effy a kiss on the cheek. "Be safe."
"Be a fucking legend." Cook saluted with his beer in the air, breaking out into a round of air howls as Effy slipped out the garage door.
"Katie, have you and Emily ever slept with the same girl?
"Katie, did Danny turn you off men?"
"Katie, Becks or Posh?"
Katie's cheeks ached as she posed on the red carpet, her poor attendance record at recent events having taken its toll on her ability to endure the pandemonium that was a London-based Premiere. Katie and Emily had arrived together, a tried and true strategy for attracting every reporter in town, and after the obligatory twin shots, Emily had rushed away to 'congratulate Mini' while Katie entertained a growing gathering of blood thirsty journalists.
"Katie, how did you and Effy meet?"
Katie upped the smile on her face, leaning into the mike. "Well Trixie, I was at this fabulous club for my friend's bachelorette party. Total rave of a night. And across the bar I saw this girl. Her eyes…" Katie paused dramatically, looking off into the distance. Unfortunately for her the distance was security, and she was unexpectedly greeted with the sight of Effy being badged through the gates. "Holy mother of..." Every camera within a 5 yard radius swung around to see what she was staring at and Katie caught herself before she let out a string of profanity on live tv. "Isn't she...something?"
"Katie, how would you describe your relationship with Effy?"
Katie swallowed, taking in the full extent of Effy's outfit. "She leaves me speechless."
Effy walked the red carpet, clearly uncomfortable with the fact that was being directed towards Katie instead of inside like the rest of the non-A listed guests. Once she landed at Katie's side, she cleared her throat, glancing at the cameras watching their every move. "Hi." Katie stared, the effect of Effy's dramatic makeup even more startling up close.
"Effy, how long have you and Katie been dating?" A blonde interjected, shoving her microphone in Effy's face.
"Uh, we–" Katie dove forward, sealing Effy's lips with a heated kiss. Effy took a step back from the abruptness of the attack and Katie let out a cry of alarm as she went over on the edge of her heel and crashed into Effy, knocking them both to the floor in a spectacularly unphotogenic manner.
Katie landed on top, her hand coming down on Effy's chest as she clamped their thighs together to minimize the amount of up the skirt action the cameras could have. They stared at each other, breathing heavily, as the camera flashes exploded around them.
"Katie, are you in love?"
"Effy, who are you wearing?"
"Katie, will you get married?"
"Effy, what do you think of Katie's sex scenes?"
Effy blinked at the obnoxious barrage of questions, watching the journalists push each other around in attempt to get the best picture of their compromising display. Katie leant down and pressed her lips against Effy's ear, praying that no one else would hear her over the chaos. "I'm not wearing any knickers."
Effy glanced at the growing crowd. "Um, I appreciate the sentiment but we're kind of–"
"So bend your knee." Katie hissed in annoyance. "I don't need a picture like that floating around."
"Oh." Effy did as she was asked. "Yeah, that's...not where I thought we were going with that."
Katie grunted. "On the count of three we get up. Keep your knee in place until I'm kneeling, got it?" Effy nodded and Katie braced herself for the movement. "One. Two. Three." In a synchronised manoeuvre, they successfully transited from lying down to sitting up to the both of them being back on their feet. "Well honey, I think it's time to go find our seats."
It took Effy a few seconds to realise that Katie was talking to her. "Oh, right?"
Katie grabbed Effy's hand, smiling at everyone in front of them. "Any follow up questions can be directed to Michelle Richardson. Thank you for your time."
Nearly every reporter in the crowd started yelling out questions, the majority of them surrounding the status of their relationship, but Katie simply lead Effy away, doing an impressive job of staying out of shot of the other interviews taking place around them. Once they made it into the VIP lounge, breezing through the security checkpoints without the slightest interference, Katie released Effy's hand, taking a long, deep breath.
Effy looked at her curiously. "Are you alright?"
Katie nodded, running a hand through her hair. "I'm just not…" Katie shook the thought away and turned to Effy. "Nice dress."
Effy looked down at herself. "This old thing?" Katie pursed her lips. "I'm kidding, I thought I'd make a statement. After all, it's not every day a girl gets to take Katie Fitch out on a date." Katie squinted, sure she detected a hint of sarcasm in Effy's voice. "You look great, by the way." Effy covered with a long, appreciative look.
After a beat, Katie smiled. "Yeah, thanks."
Effy glanced around the room, recognising no one. "So, are these people famous?"
"Unfortunately." Katie set her sights on the pyramid of champagne flutes. "Drink?"
"Please." Effy replied, falling into step beside her.
"Katie fucking Fitch!" A voice called out just before they reached the display. "Where the fuck have you been girl?"
"Cuntfucker." Katie muttered under her breath, before spinning around with a blinding smile. "Mini! Congratulations babes!"
Mini beamed, slinging an arm around Katie's shoulders. "The special effects were a bitch, but I knew it would be worth it in the end." Mini looked Effy over. "And who's this?"
Katie bit her lip. "This is Effy. My…date."
Mini raised an eyebrow. "Since when do you play for the rugby team?"
Katie glanced at Effy. "Oh you know, I've dabbled for a while."
"Ah huh." Mini replied doubtfully. "This wouldn't be another one of your publicity schemes now would it?"
"Fucked my sister yet?" Katie asked casually. "Or are you still in love with Nick?"
"Emily's just business." Mini countered with a wave of her hand. "I've been so busy lately. One project after another."
Katie smiled back at her. "It must be nice doing such a range of work. I mean, your agent must say yes to everything. No standards whatsoever."
Effy eyed the champagne longingly.
Mini's grin tightened. "Well I'd hate to be just another clichéd child star. Washed up and unemployed."
"Yes, much better to be a flavour of the week." Katie replied with a dangerous edge.
"Drink?" Effy cut in, somewhat desperately.
"Good idea baby." Katie grabbed Effy's hand, just daring Mini to say something.
"Fucking fabulous idea." Mini followed them across the room, offering out her hand to Effy when they reached the champagne display. "Mini McGuinness. Katie and I go way back. Back before she was gay, would you believe."
Effy took it awkwardly, unable to free her right hand from Katie's vice grip. "Effy Stonem." Katie received two glasses of champagne from the attendant and offered one out for Effy.
"Why Katherine, how thoughtful." Emily lifted the flute out of Katie's hand and slipped her arm around Mini's waist. "And you must be Effy. Katie hasn't stopped raving about you all week."
Katie stepped on Emily's foot as she passed Effy the second glass and turned back to the attendant for more. "Emily, Effy. Effy, Emily."
Effy held out her hand and Emily looked her up and down. "Who knew my sister had such good taste?"
"She's off limits." Katie warned, gripping onto Effy's hand even harder than before.
Emily eyed Katie strangely, but said nothing, shifting her attention to Mini. "Hey babe, Liv was looking for you."
Katie perked up, dropping Effy's hand. "Liv is here? I haven't seen that bitch in ages."
Emily nodded towards the back corner. "She's with Rich and Nick."
"Sweet." Katie turned back to the attendant. "Four more please." Katie passed the first two champagne glasses to Mini and turned to Effy as she collected two of her own. "I'll be back in a minute, okay?"
"Sure." Katie gave Effy a quick kiss on the cheek and scurried off, her and Mini laughing their way across the room like last five minutes had never happened.
Emily stepped forward, accepting another two champagnes for Effy and herself. "You'll have to excuse Katie. Nick is her ex and she gets a little over excited whenever the gang is back together."
"Gang?" Effy asked in confusion.
Emily squinted. "Yeah, from White Houses. Nick was our step-brother? Liv was Katie's quirky best friend? Rich my prep school boyfriend?"
"Oh...right." Effy finished her glass of champagne. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to find the toilets."
Emily downed both of her flutes with practised ease. "I'll come."
"Um…alright."
Effy followed Emily across the room, glancing at Katie laughing with some brown haired boy in the corner. "It's a single. Celebrities are all about shitting in private." Emily pushed the bathroom door open and gestured for Effy to go on. "After you."
"Thanks." Effy stepped past Emily. "I won't be lo–" Effy paused when Emily followed her into the small space, locking the door behind them.
"You don't mind sharing, do you?" Without waiting for a reply, Emily pushed past Effy and flipped the toilet seat down, straddling it as she cut a series of lines on the lid. She snorted three, then offered up the rest.
"Thanks." Effy said, taking her place.
Emily hopped up onto the edge of the sink. "Want to fuck?"
Effy sputtered mid-snort, spraying the rest of the power all over her dress. "What?"
"Do you want to fuck me?" Emily swung her legs back and forth, gesturing to the sink. "Right here? Right now?" Effy stared at her in shock. "It's a very simple question Effy."
"No." Effy wiped her nose. "No, I don't want to fuck you."
Emily looked Effy over. "Good. So you're not a fame whore." Effy furrowed her brow. "But are you planning to sell her out?"
"What? No."
Emily tilted her head. "You sure about that sunshine?"
"Yes." Effy replied, pushing herself off the seat. "I wouldn't do that."
"Right answer." Emily jumped off the counter. "Because if you do. If you take her story to the tabloids, or try to steal personal pictures, or attempt to profit off of her in any way, I will hunt you down and make you pay." Emily stepped forward, and despite Effy's height advantage, she still felt like she was being looked down on. "This isn't a game or a cool story to tell your mates, this is her life. And she's been hurt more than enough."
Effy swallowed. "I don't want to hurt your sister."
"I'm glad. Let's make sure it stays that way." Emily brushed the front of Effy's dress, removing all traces of the white powder. "No matter what happens." Satisfied with Effy's appearance, Emily broke into a smile. "Isn't acting fun?"
Effy frowned, but before she could come up with any kind of reply, Emily was out the door, informing the next person in line that there was someone in there behind her.