I found myself. In a see of busy places, in a world of blurry faces. I found myself. On the edge of insanity I found.. I found me
The past few months have been hard. What am I saying it were years. But somehow when I met him I became better. Slowly, but it happened. It were little steps, like suddenly enjoying those little moments again. Because you don't want to die anymore. Appreciating single small things, like old shoes, fresh baked cookies.. even pens. I smiled more. Started doing the things I loved again. I wanted to be a better person. Not for myself, but for him. I overcame the depression. The days of doing nothing but laying in bed and staring out the window were in the past. I tried to love myself. I tried to love the world. And I guess right now in some way I do. I'm just stuck. I want to be loved, but I don't want to get hurt again. I want people to think I'm strong, yet I want them to help me and give me a shoulder to cry on. I want people to trust, people who know who I really am, but I don't think I can ever tell them my secrets. I want to be completely happy, yet I think I can never completely let go of the sadness that weighs on my shoulders.
My thoughts get roughly interrupted as someone calls out my name. "Annabeth?" I look up to see Percy standing in front of me. "Hmm?"
"Are you okay?" I pull up the corners of my mouth in order to produce a smile. But he knows me better than that by now. "What's wrong?" He sits down and looks at me. His deep sea green eyes filled with worries. I shrug. "Just thinking." He smiles. "That's why I bought you a diary, to write down those thoughts. So you won't have to keep them all to yourself if you don't want to talk about it."
"I know how a diary works, silly," I laugh.
"Well that's quite a surprise since you haven't written in it once. What's your deal?" I sigh and look down to avoid his gaze. "I just can't write in them." I whisper while my fingers have suddenly become very interesting. "But why not?" He says in a reassuring voice. After a short pause he continues. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it."
"No..no." I say quickly. "I trust you.. it's just still hard to talk about these things." I look at him and again he's smiling. "I've noticed." I smile too. I would've found it annoying if anyone else would say anything like this to me. I would feel like they don't understand my problems, so they just joke about them. But with him it's different. I love how he still jokes with me and doesn't act like I'm porcelain. So I take in a deep breath and start talking.
"I had a diary once.. when I was younger. I wrote down everything... my first cut.. how much I hated myself and my life. How the boys made mean comments about my weight. And it felt good. It felt as if I weren't so alone anymore. But one day I came home.. and my dad was waiting for me. He told me it just fell open and that he'd had to read it after he saw the first sentences. He read about the cutting. You know what he said? 'Just stop.' his daughter hated herself, wanted to die and cut herself and all he said was 'just stop!' I raise my voice at the last sentence, and notice the tears that have left my eyes as Percy calmly wipes them away with the tops of his soft fingers. "He should've gotten me help.." I end my story.
"Maybe he didn't know how bad it really was." He suggests, but I shake my head. "He read everything. Everything. Trust me, he knew exactly how bad it was." He takes my hand in his and looks at how my small hand fits perfectly in his. I look up to see his gaze already focused on me. "I'm sorry. You're right he should've gotten you help. So that's the reason you don't write things down anymore." I nod. "I know it's stupid but something like that can't ever happen again. Never. I even.. I burned it. My diary." I start laughing hysterically. Though I don't find it funny at all and I start crying again. "I'm.. I'm sorry." He squeezes my hand lightly. "Don't be sorry for something you're feeling. Your feelings are valid."
"Percy.. do you have any idea how much you've done for me? You've fixed me.. almost entirely." I want to tell him so much more about how much exactly he did for me but he stops me. "Do you trust me?" Instinctively I immediately nod my head. "Then how about I make us some tea and then you can tell me everything you've been thinking about. I'll be your human diary. You won't have to write and I'll keep my mouth shut." I smile. "I'd like that."
"Okay then, I'll be right back." He lets go of my hand and stands up to walk to the kitchen. I hear him humming a song and taking cups for the tea. I've always felt like we had some kind of connection. I don't know if he feels the same way but ever since I met him everything just felt right. He's the first person I completely trusted. But it's not only that. The way my hands fit perfectly in his, the way my head fits perfectly in the gap between his neck and shoulders when we hug. I feel like he understands me. Like he's the only one. Even if he feels the same way, neither of us have ever talked about it.
"I made apple tea, your favorite." He puts the two cups of tea down on the table in front of us and sits down besides me on the couch. After hesitating for a moment I move closer to him and lay my head on his shoulder. After this gesture he smiles and lays his arm around me while playing with a strand of my blonde hair. After hesitating for a moment I start talking.
"I just feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm the definition of human contradiction. I want people to think I'm strong.. yet I'm weak and want people to help me.. I want to cut.." his grip tightens because I know how much he hates this habit of me but I continue. "But I want to.. I want to make you proud and show you I'm stronger than that. I want to be happy and loved though I'm scared to get hurt and I don't think I can let this sadness go. I feel like I'm just waiting 'till I break down again. Because I know I'll never be able to let myself be happy. And I feel as if there's things bothering me that I can't even find the words for to describe. I constantly question everything. Why would I even try? I'm gonna die anyways. Why would anyone love me? I'm an ugly mess. Am I even doing this right? Does my hair look weird? Can I continue living like this? I'm hurting, Percy. After everything I'm still hurting. When is it gonna stop?" I cry. I hate crying, but I know he won't laugh at me. So I just let go and let the tears go. All the tears I kept in for years. They keep coming, like they need to explode out of me.
I bury my face in his chest and he strokes my chest until my tears stop and my breathing becomes steady again. "Annabeth?" Slowly I look up to face him. He wipes away a few lost tears that are still on my face and takes my face in his hands. "You are the strongest person that I have ever known. After everything that you've been trough, you're still here. I think you're strong. And you're full of light. You're like a star and you can't shine without darkness. That sadness will always be a part of you. But that doesn't mean you have to be unhappy forever. You are going to be okay. And carry that little piece of sadness with you like a trophy. Because you are stronger than it. Not everyone is going to hurt you. If you just let the right ones in. You are worth it. Just remember that. You are beautiful, and worth it. The smartest people often hurt the most" Trough his entire speech he's looked me right in the eye, and I looked back. Highly red cheeks as the touch of his hands literally makes me feel like I'm on fire. "Percy.."
"It's okay, you don't need to say anything."
"I love you." I blurt out. Immediately I regret my words and crawl back. "I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have.."
"Ssh" he puts his finger on my lips to shut me up and slowly moves his head closer to mine. As his lips meet mine they slowly move in sync. It wasn't a kiss filled with hunger or lust. It was filled with love. Filled with reassurance. Filled with "I love you and I will always be here for you." I wrap my arms around his neck and pull my body close to his. My face still in his hands, our lips locked. And in that moment everything feels right. No pain, no questions. Everything is perfect.
Within the brokenness I found something more