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(Note: I already posted this on my A03 account, I just wanted to post something here for the first time in 2 years!)
Everything was happening so fast, but that was to be expected.
This was the despair I wanted. This was the ending I deserved.
This was it.
Each sensation was worse than the last, but at the same time even better. How was I even alive after each type of torture? I can't explain it. I set up these rigs for all their purposes long ago… And my memory has never quite been the same as it used to be since that one incident. Not that I mind terribly. The little pinch of pain and dropping feeling you get when you forget an important thing, it's glorious. All for despair.
Although it was all blurry, it seemed like my life was rushing in front of me, all the repressed darknesses coming back to light in my last moments. It was mostly red. Glory and gore I suppose. I didn't want to remember most of it, but remembering it brought me the pain I got off on. How did I even get like this? Did it really start the moment I was born? Most likely. At least from what I can tell in this moment.
Memories are such funny things. They can completely create a person. Or, recreate rather. Take that Mikan girl for instance… I bet if all her memory of me was gone, she'd be back to the spineless puddle of self-loathing she was before. I myself am an example of this… That girl that I was when I couldn't remember a single thing. Ryouko Otonashi, the alias used for me. Upupu.. Memories are so powerful.
That must be why they were all so devastated to learn what had happened to themselves. The despair they felt… It's like not knowing yourself at all. Being lost and confused and scared… Just as I was once. Thank any god there may or may not be, that I'm done with that. It in itself is it's own kind of despair, but the kind I couldn't even enjoy! I had no idea I enjoyed it… That's how unlike myself I truly was! But that's all done. I'm done with everything now, since I'm about to take my final breaths.
I can hear the loud clanging behind me, and the conveyor belt itself isn't quiet. Not at all. My own breathing is loud as well, both from excitement and fear. A smile is always plastered on my face when I feel like this, it's just like the night I killed Yasuke. It's just like that. Smiling at my own pain.
And also crying.
Crying and laughing aren't things that many people think are done together, but they're wrong. Those things are the best match for eachother. Am I crying at my laughter? Or laughing at my own tears? Both? Probably. Either way it is the type of enjoyable numb pain that has consumed my life at this point. This is what I live for. Bittersweet sensations.
Yes, I'm going to die.
I'm going to die.
Just like Yasuke died, just like Mukuro died. I'll be nothing more than a bloody mess in mere seconds.
Those two, who meant the world to me, are nothing more than decomposing waste now, and I'm going to join them. The three of us will all be nothingness just like we always were, we just didn't know it. Mukuro and I have always been different, and as soon as Yasuke showed kindness to me he was doomed to the same fate. This is the despair we have this is what we are accustomed to this is what we live and die for.
This is the ultimate despair I have spent my entire life preparing myself for. I've come close to this, I've caused others close to this, but I had to save the best and last for myself. Despair is dying with me tonight, they're all watching. All of my followers who are on the outside are watching as their queen goes down in flames, and it will bring them the despair I've made them want to live for. Maybe they'll all die afterwards, maybe they'll carry on in my name.
In this final moment I decided I really didn't care.
Crash.
I'm smiling, making a peace sign. This is it.
Crash.
Upupupu. Upupupu. Upupupu.
Crash.
"Mukuro-chan. Yasuke-chan. I'm coming"
Crash.
Crash.
Crash.
Crash.