My name is Barry Allen and...I can't get that kiss out of my head.

Felicity Smoak is probably the best and most complicated thing to ever happen to me in a long time. Which is odd because I know that Iris is the girl that I've always wanted.

And do I still want the same things? I don't know now...

Ugh, why did I do that? Why did I kiss Felicity? Why do I feel this way for someone other than my best friend?

But isn't that what Felicity is? A friend, nothing more. I'd risk my life to save her but then, that's how I usually am with people. I help them. I want to make them happy. I've wanted to do that since as long as I could remember.

Is Felicity really the girl that I can make happy? Was it her all along?

I don't like this, I hate feeling this way because I know, deep down, I can't bring myself to anyone how I really feel. I would hope being around them was enough for them to see. But Iris, ok, maybe I messed up there.

I'd told Felicity I am afraid it would change everything. Will it? Was she right? Probably. Felicity seems to always know what to say about how I'm feeling even though I sometimes don't want to hear it. What surprised me most about that train ride was how candid she was. She actually said we, meaning Barry and Felicity, are perfectly perfect for each other. I couldn't respond back or deny it because I know I would be lying to myself and to her. I find the more I know Felicity, I just can't hide how I really feel about anything. Perhaps she just makes me that way. There are so many good qualities about her.

Felicity is a wonderful person. Smart. Gets my weird, nerdy jokes. Passionate about science. Selfless. Helpful. Looks between the lines. Compassionate. A great friend. I found myself stammering near her when she looks me with those bold, blue eyes of hers. Ugh, it's practically painful to talk about this without my chest feeling tight.

Felicity is too good to be true. Maybe I just have to accept that and leave it alone.

Only one problem there...I kissed her and in the back of my mind I felt like it wasn't enough.

Did I want more? She is a great kisser. Albeit the kiss was so short, I just have a feeling she and I, had we lingered on, would have found the perfect fit.

I loved that kiss, shit, wow, ok, this is me talking as if it meant more than just something that was probably a farewell kiss. But I leaned forward and I kissed her. She returned the kiss, making me not feel alone in my feelings, I was lucky there. But because she returned the kiss more than I thought, I had to pull away. Me. I was the one who started it and also stopped it. Felicity wanted to kiss me longer. And shit, I wanted to let her. Because I wanted more to that kiss. God help me. I wanted Felicity to be the girl that I kept kissing for hours.

I'm getting very confused now because I thought Felicity was the girl who is supposed to be my friend. You know, the friend zone? The safe thing I can rely on when I need it. But I do need it. I need more than just a friendship. It's amazing to me, Iris really doesn't see it, does she? No matter how many times she's said how great of a guy I am and how any girl would be lucky to have me she will never feel that way herself.

I have to come to terms with this or I'm going to go mad. I'm already confused enough being The Flash, not knowing who the hell I'm going to face next. I don't need Iris in my head telling me all the things I need to hear but when it comes down to it, will never love me like I love her.

I'm always going to be confused and pinning and it just needs to stop. She's a friend. If I'm going to keep telling that to people when they ask what the hell we are I have to start believing it. Because maybe, I don't know, it makes sense. It has to. Maybe I've always known deep down my feelings are never going to be recognized.

That's not how it is with Felicity. I can be myself with her and not have to worry about being teased. I know Iris and I are friends but she does chop off my balls a lot. And when she called Eddie Thawne the pretty cop without ever telling me something even close to that, it felt really tragic. I'm so affected by everything Iris says and she often treats me like a best friend she shops with. Terrible, I know.

I do need to stop this infatuation. I need to tell myself that one-sided affection is valued but I need to let it go. It'll be hard but I can force myself to do this. I can, it'll just take time and patience. Iris West will not crowd my heart and throw it on the ground every single time she gives PDA around me. I've had to watch her go through all those boyfriends over the years and never once could I bring myself to tell her I am the man who won't let her down.

But she's with Eddie, not with me. Truth. Reality. Crushing effects.

I need to finally be able to tell myself I can actually live with Iris never giving me a chance. If she only knew...but then what? I've come to expect her being oblivious anyway, I don't know if it's ever going to change. I keep telling myself the same story for years thinking she'd see me different. Truth is, I really don't know what I'm missing that all those others guys have.

Love is never the way you want it to be. It either is or it isn't.

I know I can't force it either. With Felicity, I don't have to force anything, I never needed to. It was all there. Almost, god, I know, I just know we would be happy together. I felt it in that kiss. I felt so much in that kiss I almost wanted to see how far we could take it. Reality set in and I had to rush out of there. The elation I felt was pumping through my veins and it was like this obvious thing that was staring me in the face, begging me to take it because it's mine for the taking.

Felicity...she makes me nervous. I'm scared of getting hurt like Iris is unknowingly and gradually doing to me.

Iris, it'll never happen. She's my friend, I practically see her every day, I've lived in the same house with her since I was 11. It's not fair. Why can't I just tell her how I feel already?

No, Barry, shit no. You're not going to do this to yourself every freaking time Iris is on your mind. I really want to be just rid of all these feelings.

Iris will never know how I feel because I'm never going to tell her. She's with Eddie now. She's happy with her choice. Who knows what's going to happen for them? It feels like they might take it further now that Joe knows they're going together. Though something tells me Joe hasn't warmed to the idea of his partner going with his daughter. Part of me wishes Joe could personally forbid Iris from seeing Eddie mainly for the awkwardness of it all. Plus I didn't like that Iris was sneaking around not only behind Joe's back but mine too.

It's conflicting to me, Felicity wasn't supposed to happen. She was meant to be a distant acquaintance that I hadn't really given a second thought about. Now she's clustering in my mind and won't leave.

Iris West was completely planned. I remember having daydreams of how our dates would be when were in high school. I thought I had everything figured out with Iris. I thought I knew, I thought she knew me. I thought it would work in my favor. Mostly, I thought I was enough of the guy for her.

Accidents scare me. They are the unknown. Felicity constitutes as the biggest accident that I didn't see from miles away.

I opened the window to my apartment overlooking the clear night sky. Sure feels beautiful around this time. Normally I would be outside but a hero's got to sleep too.

My mind drifted over to Felicity. I wondered what she was doing right now. What is she thinking about after tonight? Did she regret it? The kiss, I mean. Did I go too far? Was it really a good-bye kiss?

It didn't feel that way. Her surprise melted into brief passion and I'm curious about that.

Felicity is a special girl. I wish Oliver Queen would see that. I wish any guy could see that because Felicity frowning for any reason instantly makes me sad. I don't want her to ever feel like she isn't good enough for anyone, even the billionaire vigilante of Starling City. But now, the notion of that freaks me out, I don't think Oliver and Felicity seem right together. He seems really protective of her, sure, but Oliver? Oliver Queen? He isn't the guy that I can see with Felicity realistically. I can see why she would like him. Always wanting someone you can't have. I can see the pain in her eyes when she denied she wasn't involved with Oliver. I've known that pain. It lives with me wherever I go. Iris hold that power over me.

It doesn't have to be this way, does it?

I sighed, looking around the sky, aimlessly searching for stars. I love everything about this night. How the nearly navy blue sky molds with the onyx darkness, somehow in a tranquil way. Was Felicity looking at the sky? I wondered for a moment what her skies had looked like. Were they like mine? Did they compel her to keep gazing until her eyes had grown heavy until sleep was ready to take over?

This is making me feel almost pathetic now. I should not be feeling this way for a girl who lives and works hundreds of miles away from my world.

But this is troubling to me, she didn't feel so far away, not anymore. With my speed I can turn hours into minutes and minutes into seconds. She's only minutes away from me. What am I waiting for?

Maybe...I guess I'm just waiting for the day she has truly moved on from Oliver so she can be in my life.

I gulped down some pangs. This is some heavy truth I just internally confessed. This is not a game. This is my life. And Felicity is the girl I can't stop thinking about. The girl who wouldn't hurt anyone. The girl who deserves above all else to be happy.

Closing my eyes I flashed back to the kiss on the train, she had to have felt it too. Damn it. Now or never. Don't mess this up again Barry. Not with Felicity. Don't let it happen again.

I need to make sense of this...I took out my phone and dialed a familiar number, waiting for the answer.

"Hello?"

"Oliver, it's Barry. Look, umm, I left something I need with Felicity, do you have her address?"