(Al, Kelly, and Bud finish up cleaning their house for Christmas while Peggy sits on the couch and watches Oprah.)

Al: All that's left to do is take out the trash and this pig-sty is finally done.

Bud: What are you talking about dad? You just saw me with a trash bag in my hand going out the backdoor.

Al (Pointing at Peggy): Well son, you forgot to get that thing out of here that's sitting on our couch, smoking cigarettes and collecting dust.

Peggy: I love you too Al!

Al: Now kids, I have $100 set aside for your Christmas and I dread to even ask this, but tell dear 'ol dad what you want.

(Peggy, Kelly And Bud rush up to Al all talking at once)

Al (yelling): Settle down you gaggle of morons! One at a time starting with Pumpkin.

Kelly: Daddy, I want a dress that says "Look at me, I'm so sexy".

Bud: Why not just tell dad to get you a dress that says "Come on in guys, I'm open for business!"

(Kelly glares at Bud)

Kelly: Maybe dad can buy you some sirens to go on your shoulders and a shirt that says "Virgin Alert."

Peggy: I want large tampons!

Al: Come on, Peg! Isn't there something a bit less womanly you want? Every year you get tampons, aren't you tired of it already?

Peggy: I could say the same thing about you in the bedroom.

Al: Well then put a bag over your head and see how long we last. Every time I see your face in that bed, I feel like I'm having sex with Kathy Griffin.

Bud: Now that the pea-brain you call a daughter and the sloth we call mom are done, what I want for Christmas is-

(Enter Marcy and Jefferson, interrupting Bud. Marcy looks around and notices the clean house.)

Jefferson: Hey Al, what's going on?

Al: Trying to figure out what this group of hemorrhoids want for Christmas.

Marcy: Wow, Peggy, I never noticed how white your floors were before. I guess you finally got that Neanderthal of a husband to put down the club.

Peggy (Laughing): Trust me, all you have to do is bribe him with sports and he's all yours.

Jefferson: You don't even have a tree yet? There's this place not too far from the mall that sells Christmas trees.

Al: Jefferson, a real man goes out into the woods and chops down a tree for his family. Lumberjacks are real men, Hell, why do you think they have their own paper towels? A real man doesn't spend $50 to buy a tree that someone else chopped down. Besides, if you wanted your own tree, why not put ornaments on Marcy, tie lights around her, and stand her up by the window? Then again, PETA might get on you for abusing a chicken.

Marcy: Call me a chicken all you want Al, at least I wasn't the mall Santa and had 18 complaints from kids saying I smelled like corn chips and foot odor.

Al: Oh yeah? Well why don't you go be a good little boy and go to the mall to tell Santa what you want for Christmas? Maybe you'd like a bra that finally fits your man-chest!

(Marcy begins to choke Al after he insults her, prompting Jefferson to break it up)

Jefferson: That's enough out of the two of you! These are the holidays and a time for peace. This isn't time for you two to act childish.

(Jefferson erupts into laughter, unable to hold it back due to Al and Marcy's insults to each other)

Jefferson: HAHAHAHAHA! corn chips and foot odor! A bra to fit your man chest!

(Marcy angrily grabs Jefferson's ear and leaves out of the house)

Marcy: Laugh at my chest will you? We'll see how much of this chest you see tonight!

Jefferson (pleading): Babe, I'm good looking.

Al: Family, after I buy your gifts from the mall, I am setting out in the woods to chop down a Christmas tree because that is the manly thing to do.

Bud (Throwing down a $10 bill on the dinner table): That's my money since I'm betting on a tree falling on dad in the woods.

Peggy (Throwing down a $5 bill): I'm betting that a bear will eat your dad.. Well, as long as the foot odor doesn't kill the bear first.

(Kelly puts a quarter on the table, as Bud and Peggy look at her)

Bud: Really Kelly? This is dad we're talking about. If we were talking about your charge rate for those guys in the alley at night, then your quarter would be acceptable.

Kelly: Yeah well, it's the same price as those sex hot lines you call pretending to be "Budro Suave".

(Bud embarrassingly has no comeback)

Al: Mock me and bet all you want family, but when Al Bundy comes back to this house, he is coming back with a Christmas tree and gifts of joy.