Leave the Lights on
Category: Christmas/Sparky
Summary: John wants to keep a Christmas tradition alive in Atlantis (kinda AU).
Disclaimer: Own Nadda!
Author's Notes: I wrote this in my head then realised it doesn't fit with cannon so the timeline's a little skewiff. It's set after Ghost in the Machine but Sam is still in charge of Atlantis.
He hovers awkwardly in Colonel Carter's doorway hoping the low lights of her office will mask his apprehension and when she finally looks up her gaze darts briefly to the oblong box by his side before shifting seamlessly back to her laptop. He can't help but notice there's an edge of tiredness to her voice as she waves him in.
"John, what can I do for you?"
"I can come back it's not really important," he offers despite remaining fixed in place. She hasn't turned anyone away since arriving, probably why the dark circles under her gaze are so prominent, and he doesn't really expect this time to be any different.
It takes her a moment to catch up with him, her attention still on reports, but she folds down the lid of her computer to properly focus on him. The look he's wearing isn't one she's seen before; a mix of uncertainty and something else she can't quite place. It doesn't sit well on him and she softens her expression trying to pinpoint the reason behind his visit.
"Honestly, it's not a problem," she assures with a gentle smile, "what's in the box?"
He shifts the object ahead of his feet dragging it awkwardly as he moves further into the room. It's a cosy space, a few personal items scattered here and there... he likes what she's done with it or more accurately what she didn't do, choosing her own office instead of Elizabeth's. The sting of seeing her in there everyday would have made things harder and he swallows the sudden catch in his throat trying to sound casual as he brandishes the box, "a favour actually, if you've got the time that is?"
She's intrigued but also a touch wary of the way his gaze doesn't directly meet hers. There's a lightness to his tone but she doesn't think it's presumptuous to assume the composure is forced and nods urging him to continue. "Go on."
One hand wanders from the box to sheepishly cut through his hair and despite himself a reluctant sigh turns on his lips. It's silly -he knows that- but even so the idea has kept him up the last few nights and he can't exactly turn back now. "Last week was the first of December and Elizabeth has, had-" he bluntly corrects himself, "this tree she brought back from earth. It's small and would get lost commissary, plus due to regulation there's not many other places we can set it up..."
The almost ramble trails off and the reason for his awkwardness falls in line with a sympathetic tug in her chest. Losing Elizabeth was difficult for everybody but she knows it hit John especially hard. It would be cruel to deny the request, especially since it's a Christmas tradition, and she slides back from her desk with a soft smile, "you want to help me put it up?"
He's a little surprised she wants to do it now and shrugs feigning it's not a big deal. "Sure."
If she notices the act she doesn't say anything, busy clearing space in the corner, and he moves shaking out the slight tremble in his hand as he pries open the box. He puts the reaction down to tiredness and not the decorations that have been neatly packed away, that Elizabeth packed away. There's not a lot left in the city that's been left untouched by her and he can feel a sharp sting in his throat as he pulls the fake pinetree out of its plastic wrap.
"You ever-" he stops to clear his throat, the question sounding ridiculous even in his own head but the look of encouragement Sam gives urges him to ask anyway, "when Jackson ascended, did you ever, I don't know... kinda feel him hanging around?"
She takes the base of the tree from his hand pausing momentary. Both Teal'c and Jack claimed to see Daniel in ascended form and though she never witnessed it for herself she's almost certain she felt his presence at times, like he was out there somewhere watching over them.
"Yeah, I think I did." She smiles softly resuming her task and out of the corner of her eye sees him relax slightly. It's a relief. Even though there's no evidence to suggest Elizabeth ascended it's a nice idea and if it helps him she's not going to discourage the theory. "Have you-"
He shakes his head lifting another branch out of the box. Once or twice he thought he felt something but it's hard to tell exactly what, if it was her or just his exhausted mind leading him to the brink of insanity.
"Sometimes I think... I know it sounds crazy, given what happened-" he swallows roughly trying to distract himself with the hinges that need to be clicked into place. Whatever happened to Elizabeth, he was the one who left her behind. What she went through, if in the end it was her trapped inside F.R.A.N, none of it speaks to the tranquillity required for Ascension. He took that away from her and the truth forces him to stop, exhaling sharply as Sam's light touch catches his shoulder.
"What about our lives isn't crazy?" She squeezes him gently, letting go to reach over and take a string of light from the box. She could tell him it wasn't his fault, that Elizabeth wouldn't want him to feel guilty but deep down she knows it won't make any difference. The best she can do is try and give him some sort of hope. "If there's one thing I've learnt in our line of work, never say never."
Her attention shifts back to the tree and her appreciates the tact as an easy silence falls between them. He knows he should be over it by now, or at least have buried the guilt and moved on, it's what he does... but losing Elizabeth still resonates with him, echoing in the dark and empty halls late at night. This was her city, her people, and short of leaving Atlantis there's not a damn thing he can do to escape the memories. If that's even what he wants. It hurts like hell sometimes but the thought of forgetting her is equally as painful.
Pulling out a carefully wrapped bauble he uses his free hand to swipe the moisture misting his gaze and steels himself, hanging the decoration in amongst the warm glow of lights. It doesn't take long before they've made short work of the rest. There isn't much to it. Elizabeth didn't want anything flashy or overbearing just simple and classy, something to make people smile, and he does although it's strained as Sam moves to stand beside him admiring their work.
There's only one thing missing and he takes the small ornament he's been clutching, a gift from the Athosians, and fastens it safety to the top of tree.
"Can't have Christmas with out a tree-topper."
He takes a step back, the curve on his lips a little more genuine and Sam nods in agreement glad they took the time out for the tradition. The tree itself looks at home and welcoming in her office but it's getting late and there are still reports that need to be looked at before she can turn in. "Thank you John, this was a really nice idea." She gives his arm another quick squeeze and is about to move to her desk when a warm breeze blows through the office ruffling her fringe. It catches her off guard and she finds John's gaze with a surprised expression. "Did you just-"
"Probably the aircon." He makes the excuse despite a warm tingle that expands in his chest. "I'll mention it to Zelenka on the way out."
A soft smile spreads over her mouth as he rushes to the door but she calls him back just shy of the threshold. "John-" she clasps her hands together giving him a warm nod,"merry Christmas."
"Yeah, you too." He mimics the gesture titling his head, "get some sleep okay?"
She gives him a look that says she will but he knows for a fact she won't.
Just like he doesn't mention the aircon to Zelenka.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
They're well into January by the time they get around to taking down the tree. The Wraith and a host of other problems meant it wasn't a priority but now they have a spare moment even McKay -who's been complaining about bad luck for weeks- is unusually quiet as they start packing away the decorations.
He's not sure why the scientist decided to help, something about Karma, but John stays silent as a light conversation starts back up between Rodney and Sam. He's too focused on the ache in his chest as he runs his fingers along the chain of lights to the portable power supply. They've been on pretty much continuously and he swallows a heavy sigh as he flicks the switch that'll plunge the room back into the normally dim office.
When nothing happens he frowns turning the casing over in his hand.
The realisation that there's a battery missing speeds up the dull thud in his chest and he's about to say something when a warm stream of air suddenly blows across his skin leaving a familiar tingle in its wake. He glances up at McKay and Carter. They're completely oblivious having launched into a tempered debate about superstitions and when the string of lights suddenly dim by themselves he smiles.
It lasts him well beyond the new year.