For the Doctor Who quote competition. My quote is by the 3rd Doctor: "Courage isn't just a matter of not being afraid, you know. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyways." I've modified the quote to fit my purpose and courage seems to be a theme throughout.
It's well after midnight on the first of November when Remus hears the news of the Potters' demise. He's awoken from his sleep by a Patronus shouting about the fall of Voldemort and, unfortunately, the murder of his best friends and the capture of Sirius Black.
Fighting the urge just to collapse where he stands, Remus' eyes glaze over. He really doesn't know how to live without his friends. They were the first people to completely accept him – werewolf and all. But what he does know is that he is going to be courageous. Because he knows having courage isn't just a matter of not being afraid – because he's terrified of living without them. It's being afraid and doing what he has to do anyways. And he has to live for them if nothing else.
It's the only time Remus allows himself to mourn for his friends' deaths and his betrayal.
;~;
It's the first full moon he has experienced since his friends' murders and that's when it completely sinks in. His friends will never accompany him on another one. And for the first time since he was fifteen, he's scared of the damage he's going to inflict on himself. Because, at least with James and Sirius there, he wouldn't be as hurt, as wounded, as damaged.
When he wakes up, he's alone and his blood covers his naked body. He hasn't seen this much of his own blood in years. But he doesn't let a groan escape as he grabs ahold of his wand and starts to heal himself – he's stronger than that.
It's the first time Remus remembers getting angry over James and Peter's deaths. And he whole-heartedly blames Sirius.
;~;
Dumbledore comes by to check in on him every once in a while, to make sure that Remus is still living. But what he's doing shouldn't be classified as living because he's just going through the motions with a guilt-filled conscience and a heavy heart.
Raising an eyebrow at his former student, Dumbledore looks at Remus. "You're going to kill yourself if you continue on this way."
Remus looks up with haunted eyes. "There's nothing left to live for. All of my friends are gone – dead or in Azkaban for murder. And I couldn't help them. I wasn't there when they needed me the most," he finally whispers softly.
"There's always something to live for. You just have to find it," Dumbledore tells him before taking his leave.
Remus just watches him leave without another word.
;~;
It's been ten years since their murder. Remus stands before their gravestones, just staring at the words. He may have found something worth working towards – working for werewolf rights might just help him get a job later – but his heart is still heavy and his eyes are haunted. And nothing will change that, he knows.
So he stands there silently, letting the emotions he usually bottles up completely free. He only does this once a year because he wouldn't have the strength nor the courage to continue on if he didn't keep his emotions tightly contained. When he leaves the graveyard, his emotions will be back safely under his control and he will continue on like nothing ever happened – like always.
;~;
"I'm willing to give you the position, Remus," Dumbledore says, folding his hands in his lap. "But first I must know: will you be able to handle yourself since Sirius Black has escaped Azkaban?"
Remus' blue eyes flicker with anger. "If you're asking if I can put my previous friendship aside, I can assure you I can. He killed one of my best friends and might as well have killed the other two," he reminds his former Headmaster icily.
Dumbledore nods. "There is also the issue of your lycanthropy. Professor Snape has assured me that the Wolfsbane potion is effective. I would like you to take it for the duration of your teaching career."
It is Remus' turn to nod.
"Well, Remus, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching post is yours."
"Thank you, Professor," Remus replies before leaving.
;~;
Twelve years is too long, Remus thinks. As he stares into the face of his best friend, he can hardly recognize him. Sirius' once bright eyes are dull and hollow and he's too thin.
"I'm sorry," they both say at the same time. Remus allows himself a small smile. Even after all this time, they still know what each other is thinking.
"I should've known you wouldn't do something like that," Sirius finally says, filling the silence that had fallen between them. "How could I have thought that it was you?" he questions himself out loud.
While this question needs no answer, Remus replies anyways. "We were in the middle of the war. Dumbledore had me going on missions to gather Intel on the werewolf packs and their alliances. And the Order was also being spread too much. I wasn't there, Siri." He pauses. "Honestly, I wasn't surprised to know you thought it was me."
Sirius shakes his head at Remus' comments. "But I should've realized you wouldn't do something like that. James was supporting you, for Merlin's sake!" he exclaims. "That should've been my first clue."
"There's a reason you didn't suspect Peter, you know. He has a way of being who you think he should be; he always has. He likes to blend in with the people around him," Remus tells Sirius. "He's smarter than people give him credit for, us included."
"I should've killed him when I had the chance," Sirius mutters darkly.
Remus' voice forces Sirius out of his dark thought. "Harry was right to stop us. James wouldn't have wanted us to become killers like Peter."
Sirius sighs, because there's nothing else he can say; James wouldn't have wanted that and he knows it, they both do.
;~;
Staying at his childhood home, Remus knows it's the only safe place to be during the full moon. It's the first full moon since school ended and Sirius arrived on Hogwarts grounds. Even though he begged and pleaded with Sirius, Sirius wouldn't allow Remus to suffer through another full moon by himself.
"I missed too many full moons already; I won't let you do another one by yourself. Dementors used to fuel those nightmares around the full moon to the point that I'm scared about letting you do it alone," Sirius says firmly.
Remus locks Sirius and himself in his cellar an hour before moonrise. Before the wolf completely takes over, his last conscious thought is that Sirius better be right. He would really hate to awaken to find Sirius' dead body.
When the moon passes and Remus transforms back, Sirius is there to welcome him with a grin and an, "I told you I would be fine." It's the first time in a while that Remus doesn't awaken with blood covering his body and new scars littering his skin.
;~;
As he watches Sirius' body fall through the Veil, he feels the bone-crushing, heart stopping pain overwhelm him again. He only just got Sirius back; he shouldn't be losing him again so soon. But he has a split second decision to make as he sees Harry start towards the Veil.
Putting his own devastation away, Remus grabs Harry around the chest, holding him back from chasing after Sirius, like Remus so desperately wants to do. But he's being courageous like he always is and putting others before his own wants, even though he's terrified about living without Sirius again.
"There's nothing you can do, Harry –" His heart breaks as he holds onto Harry for dear life.
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" Harry protests loudly.
"It's too late, Harry –" Remus says again. He's not sure how much longer he can keep saying those words because each time it makes it more real, and he doesn't want real; he wants Sirius back.
"We can still reach him –" Harry says, still protesting despite Remus' comments. He struggles against Remus' grip, but Remus isn't going to lose Harry too – he's the last thing Remus has of his friends.
"There's nothing you can do, Harry…nothing…He's gone."
"He hasn't gone!" Harry yells. And, at the total desperation in Harry's tone, Remus' heart shatters with pain and hurt.
He allows Harry to take off after Bellatrix without remorse. Because there's still a very tiny portion of his heart that hopes that Sirius is going to come back through the Veil any second; his brain, however, knows the possibility of that is too small for his heart to be hoping, but his heart has never cared about its wellbeing.
It is only after the Death Eaters are rounded up and the Ministry takes over that Remus allows himself to stare at the Veil. Before he can prevent himself, he falls to the ground before it and just sits there. He's tired of being strong and courageous.
He's tried living without Sirius and James once before and he was an absolute mess. He's terrified of what it'll do to him this time. But if he's anything, it's courageous; so he's going to continue on like always even though he is scared because that's what being courageous is all about – continuing on in the face of fear.
;~;
When he knows Dora isn't looking at him, he watches her silently. Despite having Sirius tell him that he would be absolutely mad if he didn't realize that his cousin has a thing for him, Remus would never admit to liking her back. So he just watches her, because being in a relationship with her would be dangerous.
But he can't take his eyes off of her and he wonders if this want will ever go away. He doubts it will.
;~;
She is determined; Remus has to give her that. No matter how many times he tells her that he's too old, too poor, too dangerous for her, she always shouts that she doesn't care, that she just wants him.
He can't deny the feeling in his heart as he watches hers break a little more each time he refuses her. But after Bill Weasley is hurt, he knows that he can never deny her like that again. So he decides to be courageous and marry her, even though he's frightened by the mere thought of hurting her.
Their ceremony is small, only the preacher and Dora's Auror mentor, Alastor Moody. Her parents refuse to attend because she is marrying a werewolf and Remus knows that it hurts Dora, yet she doesn't say anything but, "I love you."
;~;
Her hair is bubblegum pink and her eyes are shining and Remus knows something is up. When he confronts her, she smiles brightly and announces, "I'm pregnant."
It takes a few seconds for the news to sink in, but, when it does, he becomes absolutely horrified. Despite the fear creeping into his body, he smiles back at Dora. "That's wonderful news."
She kisses him sweetly and heads off to the mission the Order has asked her to take.
When she leaves the house, he drops to the floor. He runs his fingers through his hair repeatedly. He's not sure what he's going to do. Her parents despise their marriage. And their child is at risk of werewolf traits. What is he going to do if their unborn child inherits the werewolf infection?
Oh, Merlin, what have I done? he questions himself. Ripping out his hair, bit by bit, he lets the fear course through his body for the first time in a while. Picking himself up from the floor, Remus does the only thing he can do: he flees the house.
He notices Death Eaters chasing him, so Remus Apparates from place to place, trying to lose them. And he knows that it's the cowards' way out, but he shouldn't have married Dora in the first place. He's completely ruined her life and he's endangered an unborn child with the werewolf infection. He knows that if Sirius or James were here that they wouldn't have let him put Dora's life at risk like that. They would've talked sense into him.
But they aren't, so, for the first time in his life, Remus is going to be a coward and run away from his problems.
;~;
"A coward." Those two words ring in Remus' ears long after he disappeared from Grimmauld Place. He's never once in his life been called a coward, but he knows he deserves it. He is a coward for leaving Dora. He just doesn't want her hurt because of him.
But going back is the right thing to do, he knows it is. As he's Apparating from place to place, making sure he isn't followed, he wonders what he'll tell her because a simple, "I'm sorry," isn't going to work this time.
He lands on Andromeda's front porch. His heart is pounding and his hands are shaking but he knows that he needs to do this; he needs to make this right again. Standing on the doorstep for a few moments, Remus gets his emotions together. Just as he's about to knock on the door – because he's not sure he's even welcome in Andromeda's house anymore, not after everything at least – the door flies open and there stands Dora. Her eyes are flashing with anger and her hands are firmly on her hips.
Remus knows she knows it was him standing there, seeming as he's one of the only ones keyed into the protection. And he expected her to be angry, but seeing it for himself, he knows he has a lot to make up for. He will though because, no matter how frightened he is right now, he still loves Dora.
He takes a deep breath in. "I know I'm sorry won't do me any good right now. But you should know I am. It took a slap in the face, but I realized exactly how much you mean to me, Dora," he says finally. The fire in her eyes doesn't go away, but she folds her arms across her chest, which Remus takes for a good sign.
"I know I hurt you, but I was just so scared. Scared that I messed up your life. Scared that our child will be born with the werewolf infection. Scared that I'm not enough for you," he tells her softly. His blue eyes meet her now green ones. "And I know that "I'm sorry" will never fix the damage I've done this past week. But, Dora, I will be with you for the rest of our lives if you let me."
He watches as the fire dies out in her eyes. They both know how hard it was for Remus to admit anything. But Tonks sees the truth behind his words.
;~;
It's Harry that sets Remus back on the right track. And Remus can't thank him enough. Teddy is born without the werewolf infection and has Dora's metamorphosis ability instead. Watching his son sleep, he knows that he can never bring himself to leave again.
His eyes are still haunted and his heart is still heavy with regret, but he was wrong; he found something worth living for again. He has a family to protect and to love. And he does. He loves them unconditionally.
A/n – that was…unexpected. I wanted more Remus/Tonks, but, after the difficulty I had writing this, I'll take what I can get.
A million thanks to kci47! Because without her, this piece wouldn't be as good as it is and something would be missing.
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