They entered the solid brick building with gloves on their hands. Harry rubbed the metal engraved 'Hogwarts Jewelry Store: Inspired by Mark Eco' as he passed.
The inside of the building was so unfriendly and cold that Malfoy instantly grabbed Harry's hand.
"Shush, shush, my pussycat," Harry said to comfort Malfoy. They were watching out for any wires or red lasers. "Step carefully and watch out. If the guards catch me, they're gonna kill me. I already had an unfriendly meet with them before. When I caught them peeking in the girl's bathroom. The thing is, when they were peeking inside one of the stalls, they saw me. Don't ask."
"K, k," Malfoy said and gulped. His man Harry was delicious as a juicy melon. No, two juicy melons. Two juicy melons spiced up with love.
"Were you thinking about me?" Harry asked when they were passed all the lasers there could be.
"Who else would I be thinking about? Rosie-O'Donald? Trust me that relationship did not work out at all. I mean wow. That is one robust man."
Harry giggled like a jersey girl. "I know!"
Harry was too scared to try and open the glass case with the diamonds. "Hey Hanescakes? Will you open it? I might break a nail."
Malfoy looked over at Harry. "My beauty. I will do anything for you. You know what I am saying?" Malfoy reached over and kissed Harry's manicure. "And I love the imbedded fake rhinestones."
Harry snorted a snort as wild as a walrus. "I thought you would. Got 'em done just for you."
"Oh, I wish I could have your mind more than I wish I could have Marilyn Monroe's body and fame for her body."
"Oh, but Sweet Barbeque Oil, every boy wants her body! That is so sweet." He reached over and kissed Malfoy on the left ear. Malfoy was deaf in the other one. "There will be more of that when we come home."
"Ooh, punish me. I am a bad boy." Malfoy bit his Revlon-covered lip.
"You know? I want you more than David Hosslehoff. I mean, did you see his new photo shoot?"
"I know. Dirty and Shirtless?"
"Uh-uh."
"Oh, Baby. Will you marry me? Think about the kids we so painfully delivered. It will be so good for them, Wilbur and all."
"Ooh yeah." Harry bit his lip and closed his eyes in thought. "They are so sexy."
"I know and have such good bodies," Malfoy said and grabbed Harry's leg, his eyes closed. Malfoy stepped up to the jewelry. "Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring," he sang in a whispered tone. He opened the glass case. The diamond shined in his eye.
"Oh, I love how it sparkles and complements your green eyes," Harry said.
"You know what? I never regret taking you instead of that foxy lady Nevil," Malfoy smiled and looked up at Harry.
"Me neither. You."
"Aww. You know? Every kiss begins with Kay?"
"L, to the O, to the L! And it will!"
"Oh, you turn me on like my dad used to. You know. Before he got all soggy and fat," Malfoy said.
"Aww, babe!" They shared a kiss that truly did begin with Kay.
"Which one should I take?"
"All of them! I love the jewels!" Harry exclaimed full of joy as a cheery blue balloon.
"You know? That is what I love about you! Very few women have the quality to tell another woman what they want!" Malfoy said.
"Is that the only thing that you like about me?" A tear was forming in Harry's eye. Only the right one could cry. The other was as dry as a unicorn's bottom. And Harry would know.
"No Babe! You know that that is not what I have mentos!" Malfoy started a tantrum like a spoiled drama queen.
"How can I resist that ass? And how it's so firm and juicy? I love you too, too much!" Malfoy and Harry squeezed each other.
"You know? My old BFF Ron Charles Weasly?" Harry spit out his name. "Well I was never as attracted to him as to you! He never had that intense beauty. I mean…you look just like that girl on the cover of this month's CoverGirl!"
"Are you serious? The one with Mila Kunnis?"
"Uh…Yeah, yeah!"
"Well I am officially flattered! You can sail me to Bermuda and leave me with a bunch of girls and I will still be happy. Because I will be reminded of you! And you know? I was trying to impress you! Guess it worked!"
"Wait, get the diamonds!" Harry said and almost wet himself.
"Oh, poo. Is that all you ever think of my sweet petunia that morphed into a lilac? I mean, can't you ever think of the costumer? By which I mean my sexiness?"
"Oh, trust me," Harry said and grabbed Malfoy's hot red, goose bumpy arm. "I think of your sexiness a lot. Almost all the time. This time, he did wet himself brutally.
"Oh, does someone need a diaper change? Huh Sweetums?" Malfoy pinched Harry's little butt cheek.
"Yeah, Hot Mama! Whoo!"
"Oh the diamonds will do as diapers for you! Only the diamonds! Only the best!"
"Wait a hot and juicy little number! Is there something or someone better out there than diamonds that you're not telling me about? Huh, Babushichka?!" Harry cried booty-lusciously like a jersey girl who got stood up. But well, Harry was a jersey girl.
"No, no. Wait! Ho, ho, ho! You think that diamonds are better than me? Well then this journey of love is not going anywhere!" a few seconds of silence passed the empty room. "Oh who am I kidding? I cannot stay mad at you! Especially not when you're wearing that sequined dress. I mean, you know hot pink is my favorite color!"
"Well, I did try," Harry sniffled up his tiny nose. "Do you have a tissue, my Croissant?"
"OMG! I so need one of those! I mean it's like the one snack that tastes good," Malfoy stuck up one finger, "has no calories," he stuck up another finger, "has no sugar whatsoever, unlike you, my blossom," he put up a third finger, "And is-
"Thank you for that comment, I Can't Believe It's So Hot!"
"Hey, not done here!" Malfoy raise an eyebrow.
"Sorry!" Harry said in an offended and sarcastic way and rubbed his sweaty palms on the steel apron he always had on.
"Humph! My brain is too big for this!" Malfoy said jerkishly. "And back to the croissant!" Malfoy put up his three fingers again. "And it has no fat," forth finger, "And has no gelitan," fifth, "and, well, well, yeah." Malfoy sniffed a righteous sniff.
"With sprinkles on it!" Harry rose on his tiptoes when he said this. He had said it in a high, munchkin voice.
"A very healthy, no sugar topping!" Malfoy said in a deep, spokesperson-y voice. Harry loved it.
"Ooh, you my man all right!"
"Hay! No, I'm your woman! And don't you forget it!"
"I won't Ma'am! I am so sorry! But can you be my woman and fetch the diamonds, pu-lee-z?
"Fine," Malfoy said in a Lucy Lui tone. He opened the case. Felt the cold, rich glass on his fingertips, and started for the jewelry. All of a sudden. ALARM. ALARM. ALARM.
"Oh no," Harry said and pulled on Malfoy's braids. "We won't last in the big house, honey!"
"I know! Run for your sexy, sweaty butted life!"
Sitting in the prison cell of Askaban, expelled from Hogwarts, holding hands. And happy? Yep they were happy. Not because they had gotten their wish for their children to be placed in the cell next to them so that they could not be taken away. No that's not why. It was for inside Harry was a baby boy and inside Malfoy, a girl.