How am I supposed to Live Without You
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- Intelligent Design
Pairing:- Jean/James
Rating:- K+
Achieve:- . /group/lewisffarchive/
Summary:- Most importantly though he can never tell me how to carry on, be the person I am now, when the core of what makes me that person is gone forever. When the hope of love that was never going to be has walked out the door with him.
Author's Note:- I've already done something with this episode but I heard this song again recently and it just struck me that it would be perfect for the situation Jean finds herself in with Robbie and James both going, pretty much angsty fluff enjoy and reviews would be lovely!
I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today
I had to come and get it straight from you
Sitting in the car outside James's home Robbie's words are still ringing in my ears. "James is going, that's what he wants to see you about. I tried to talk to him but he's adamant. I just though you should know before he comes in maybe you can think of a way to stop him throwing away a promising career." I felt like someone slapped me as the words sank in. When I realised Robbie was serious about going it was bad enough but the thought of losing James is more than I can cope with. See he's different I never really believed that he could return the feelings I've developed for him over the years but as long as he was around I could love with the hope he might.
They said you were leaving, someone swept you heart away
From that look upon your face I see it's true
"Ma'am….I….this is a surprise come in." He couldn't look more shocked right now if the queen herself had just rang his doorbell. Maybe this is a mistake; maybe I should have just waited and had this discussion in my office where the distance of the desk between us might have made it easier.
"Robbie called me, is what he says true? Are you going too?" He doesn't need to answer I can tell from the nervousness in the way he shuffles his feet that it's true and that no amount of persuasion on my part is going to change his mind. If it's possible to feel the exact moment your heart breaks I might just have felt mine shatter. "Do I really have to lose you both?"
"Ma'am I can't do it anymore. I don't like the person I'm becoming and it feels like the right time. I couldn't work with anyone else I'm used to Robbie if it wasn't for him I'd probably have gone years ago." I can see that no matter what I say it will make no difference, his mind is made up. What can I do now but pretend to be happy for him, it's my job.
So tell me all about it
Tell me about the plans you're making
"What are you going to do? I mean what's next for you?" He's given me a glass of wine, assuring me that it's the Merlot I always order when we're out together. Tiny moments like that are the sort of thing that always gave me hope, the fact he remember my favourite wine or could pick the most amazing gifts on my birthday and Christmas. They were always from him and Robbie but I knew he picked them. I used to convince myself if he knew me that well then he must feel something for me.
"I'm not sure yet, I don't have to decide right away maybe I'll do some more voluntary work, closer to home this time. I don't want to lose touch with Robbie and Laura, nor with you. You all mean a lot to me."
Too proud for crying didn't come here to break down
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end
"You mean a lot to me too, both of you, it's going to be a wrench to lose you both." I can feel the lump in my throat and the tears that threaten to escape unbidden but I'm determined it won't happen. He's smiling at me now, that quiet soul searching smile he gives that has always made my heart race. When he looks at me like that I can almost feel the intensity of his stare reaching into my heart and seeing every stolen moment I wish we'd shared.
"It's been an interesting few years." Interesting? That's one way to describe it, if only he knew.
And how can I blame you when I built my world around
The hope that one day we'd be so much more than friends
"Yeah it hasn't been that bad has it? I know where you're coming from we all change in this job, our opinions of the world change. It hasn't been a terrible place to work though has it?" The way he shakes his head moving across the room and sitting beside me on the sofa is agonising. He has no idea how hard it is for me to be this close to him knowing that before long I'm not going to see him every day. How could he ever understand how catching a glimpse of him through my office window, or having him wander in with one issue or another has become what I live for?
And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming
Even now it's more than I can take
"No it's been and honour and a privilege to serve under you, and Robbie I don't regret I single minute of it. I'd never want to lose the friendships and bonds we've all formed I hope you'll always be part of my life even when the police force isn't." Oh god now my heart is soaring with hope that I know logically can only ever be dashed. When one chapter of our lives end we tell those who helped write that chapter we'll never forget them, we tell them they are all we care about then everything changes. It's not those who move on that are truly feeling the loss of what was it's those left behind. I let myself fall into the trap of falling in love with someone who would never return my feelings and have become dependent on what that longing gave me. However small that might have been I have no idea how it will be when he's gone but it is a feeling I'll fear until the moment it hits and wallow in when it does.
Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I've been loving you so long
How and I supposed to live without you and how am I supposed to carry on
When all that I've been living for is gone
"It's not going to be the same without you both." I don't know what I expect him to say. Actually I don't expect him to say anything what could he that would help? He can't tell me how to get over him because he has no idea I need a way to do that. He couldn't tell me how to fill the gap in my days that will be caused by his loss because he has no idea how huge that gap will be. Most importantly though he can never tell me how to carry on, be the person I am now, when the core of what makes me that person is gone forever. When the hope of love that was never going to be has walked out the door with him.