Every Atom
A/N: Thanks to Mist at Tricky Raven for beta services and encouragement!
Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer, because (1) I'm not a Mormon and don't think death is the portal to godhood and (2) all the mental agony I put into this fic will yield me no pecuniary benefits.
The water was turning cool, but still Bella stood in the shower. It was warm, it was safe. In it she was alone, but not alone in an empty house; Jacob could be in the next room. Not, of course, that she wanted Jacob to be so close, to see her.
Beginning to shiver she shut off the water and wrapped a fluffy white towel around her body. It didn't stay up so well now, so she settled for securing it around her waist for the short walk from the bathroom to her bedroom closet.
As her feet scuffed along the warn carpet of her room, she grimaced. Sarah was a good girl, undoubtedly, but couldn't she have vacuumed once? Maybe twice? The carpet was speckled and stained from the numerous times someone had eaten in the room, or run through with their shoes on. "Damn," she swore as she stubbed her toe on the bed frame. Had she forgotten the lay-out of her own room during her absence?
"Jeez, Bells, are you okay?" Jacob's hands were already on her arms when she looked up.
"Why are you here?" It came out like an accusation, and she tried to soften her voice when she said, "I thought you were at work."
"It's twelve, honey, my lunch break. I came home to check on you."
"Oh." She didn't want to sound petulant again, so she said no more and moved toward the dresser. "So, how long-?" Her question died off as she noticed Jacob staring at her chest, his eyes hard, his neck taut, his lip beginning to curl. She was caught in his gaze.
As fear and shame shot through her, she reached for familiarity, for a light, teasing phrase, "Does my being half-naked bother you?" But her voice came out raw and pained, like the scars Jacob still focused on.
He sunk down onto the bed. "Yes," he whispered. She turned quickly, willing her shoulders not to slump, her feet not to run... away... from him.
She felt his heat as he pulled her into a hug, but she refused to let her body betray her and melt into him. He exhaled on her neck. "That's not what I meant, Bells."
"It's okay. You don't have to lie to me, Jacob," she said flatly.
"No, I- my wolf- I mean me too- I can't stand to see that you're hurt and I'm powerless. I'm supposed to be a protector. I can tear vampires apart, but I couldn't protect you from this."
"Yeah, well, it's not as though it's going to hurt forever, but..." Bella's lip trembled and she rushed on, "the scars will always be there and I'll never be the same. I mean, I've always known you were a boob-man." She bit her lip. "Well, ever since, you know," her voice trailed off, as she remembered their first-time.
Sand, moist and cool under her bare feet. The deep foliage of July and purple clouds against the molten pink and gold of the sunset. The dying embers of the bonfire. The brown of Jacob's hand against her white hip-bone as he slowly peels off her blue shirt. His large thumb covering her left nipple and then flicking it, so it becomes a hard nub. Her surprise at her own low moan as he licks the under side of one breast, then the other. His whispered, "You're so beautiful, Bells."
She was brought back to the present as his hands cupped her face gently. "Honey, I've always been a Bella-man. Since that first day on the beach, when you used me so selfishly," he stuck out his tongue so she knew he was teasing, "to the days when you became more than just a crush, when you became my best friend. And then every day I spent with you, I learned to love you more. You're a habit, Bells," he said, with his lop-sided grin. "I've loved you so long that it's come to define who I am even to myself. As long as I am Jake, and you are Bells, every inch of your body will be more precious to me than my own. No matter what happens to it."
And with that he began to kiss gently, painstakingly, along the red line that staggered across the now-flat left side of her chest. Now, like in the shower, comfort embraced her, suffocating her in the mix of Jacob's heat, of her over-whelmed emotions and even a hint of desire.
"Mom, where are you?" a voice called as a screen door slammed.
"Oh, damn. Get off! Get off, Jacob!"
"Won't you help me?" he leered at her.
Bella rolled her eyes, "Quick, give me my robe! Couldn't you hear him before he came in?"
Jacob just smirked and in desperation she reached for the dirty t-shirt he'd thrown beside the bed the previous night. She'd just pulled it on, noting with satisfaction that it came to her knees, when the door flew open, banging against the opposite wall.
"Oh, Dad! Didn't know you were here!" the boy exclaimed, eyes lighting up.
"Fitzwilliam Charles Black, can you please remember not to bang doors?" Bella huffed.
"Sure, sure. Just came by to see how you're doin', Mom."
"I guess no different than when I left the hospital yesterday, Fitz." She paused, "No, better actually. Thanks for dropping by. Would you like lunch while you're here?"
"Naw, gotta run back. Have to keep Sarah from making eyes at Reuben Uley. And me and Benji are gonna practice baseball."
Jacob reached out and grabbed his son's hand. "If you're going to be swinging that bat, I'd better check those muscles."
Bella chuckled, as Jacob allowed Fitz's ten-year-old arm to push his own muscular one down.
"Love you, Mom," Fitz said, kissing her cheek, before dashing away, the door banging behind him.
"I'm sorry, Bells," Jacob said. "I really have to go too. Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yes, thank-you, Jacob."
As the front door slammed behind him, she settled into her arm chair. Tomorrow she would begin to clean the house, but today she had to finish rereading Jane Eyre. Somehow in the frightening morning hours before surgery and during the painful wait to be discharged, the familiarity of the rolling, old-fashioned lines had brought an inexplicable comfort. Her bookmark opened to chapter 27.
Every atom of your flesh... in pain and sickness... dear... The book dropped from her hands as she fell asleep.
She awoke to evening sunlight and a stillness more peaceful than sleep. Jacob sat across from her, carving a block of golden wood. "Where are the kids?" she asked lazily.
"Fitz is with Benji at Jared and Kim's and well-" Jacob hesitated, then admitted sheepishly, "I'll bet Sarah's with Reuben."
"Bells, there's something I need to confess to you. I was thinking about it because I know you're uncomfortable with me seeing your scars."
"Confess?" she breathed. (he couldn't of course she'd been afraid of other women normal women with two breasts but so soon no)
"I overheard Edward when he came to see you in the hospital."
"Oh."
"Why did you keep it from me, Bells?"
She wasn't certain of all the reasons herself, so she settled on the simplest. "I didn't want to upset you."
"Honey, I was already upset. You didn't talk about what you were going through; you didn't want me in the room when you were examined or treated."
She hadn't wanted to become his "sick wife", hadn't wanted to lose her last hint of allure to this man who was never unwell.
"And then Edward came," Jacob continued, "and you sounded so happy to see him, when you didn't sound that way when I entered the room."
"But I didn't want you to have to see me like that, Jake!"
"Bella, there's no guarantee the mastectomy will work," Edward's honeyed voice warns. "Besides, my dearest, it's ravaging your body, aging you. You'll always be beautiful to me, but you could be as young, as beautiful as you were before."
Oh, how she wants to be beautiful for Jacob again, no longer anxious to have him leave the room so she can stop pretending she is anything other than sick and disease-ravaged.
"Bella, if you became- became like my family and me, you would be perfectly healed." Edward's voice is soft as he whispers the fateful words.
She doesn't have to think twice. "Edward, I've learned to love Jacob so much I hardly remember that I once thought I loved you enough to do that."
"This isn't about me, Bella. This is about you getting a second chance at life."
Bella bristles. "I have a life Edward. My life is with Jacob and our children. And even if it's going to be getting more painful and maybe sort of ugly after the surgery, it's still life. Not some blinking-because-humans-are-here pretense."
Jacob's voice pulled her from her memories. "Honey, please don't be afraid to show me everything. You asked me if your being half-naked bothered me. Well, after over-hearing that conversation with Edward, these scars make me happy. They remind me that you chose life, that you sacrificed a part of yourself for this family. These scars remind me that you chose a beating heart, and blushes and..." Jacob's voice had become choked and he cleared it several times. "Let's just say, Bells, I'm awfully proud of those scars."
"Thank you, Jacob," she whispered. Damn, this day was getting too emotional. "Um, just for your information, I won't be flouncing around half-naked to make you proud, wolf-man."
His chuckle was caught by her lips, as she plunged her tongue into his mouth, allowing herself to be enveloped in the steamy comfort of his incomparable love and his half-naked body.