Chapter 1

I can't believe she's gone.

I wasn't even that close to her. But she was still a huge part of my life.

At least I understand.

I know what it's like to lose your mother.

I know what it's like to feel that part of you crumble and melt away, leaving nothing but a shadow. I know what it's like to feel that you had forever, and for it all to just disappear over one split second. I know what it's like for to not say goodbye.

I understand.

He's not letting anyone near his house. He shipped Alexis off to her mother, even though she's hurting too. He won't even let me in.

I've never known him to be like this, he was always the one who was trying to get me over to home. It guess it doesn't feel like a home to him anymore. Home is where your family and loved ones are. Now it's just a dark, empty place full of reminders of the past.

I need to prove to him that it's not his fault, it's mine.

I knew that we were in too far, that we shouldn't have kept pushing.

I wanted to catch the dirtbag.

At least we got him. Derek Nesah. Alternatively known as 'The Darkness'. The Californian serial killer we've been searching for for months. Currently known to have murdered over 30 people.

All woman between the ages of 40 and 70.

All stabbed in the back three times with middle fingers removed and occasionally sold and used for blackmail in kidnappings to confuse the police.

All staged like a drowning in the bathtub at their own homes.

Except the water isn't water.

It's blood.

The victims' blood.

I'm heading over his place again now. To see if he'll let me in. I really hope so. He can't cope with this on his own. I need to help him. He helped me when my mum died, even if it was indirectly. I need to do everything I can to help him.

I take a deep breath before knocking.

No answer.

I knock again. 'Castle? Rick, it's me. Please, let me in.'

No answer.

'Please Rick, you've got to let me in. I can help you. Just let me talk to you.'

I can hear him moving inside. I know he's listening; expecting, wanting me to say more.

So I do.

'Rick, remember a couple of weeks ago when we were in that beautiful, traditional restaurant uptown. I was in a bad mood because we had just lost a good lead, but you tried to cheer me up by taking me to this stunning diner. You made me laugh by having custard on pizza with jelly beans on top, and I said: 'You have a wild, crazy mind Castle. Someday you've got to let me in.' You replied: 'You're allowed in. Always.' So this is me, wanting to be let in.'

I hope that works. I hope he'll let me in.

I can hear him coming closer to the door. It slowly opens.

It looks like death overcame him. I just want to pull him into a big hug. But he speaks before I am able to.

'It was 'a wild, childish mind'.'

I smile a faint smile of sadness and remembrance.

'Of course it was.'

He walks inside, so I follow him in. The place has been ransacked. It looks like hell. Taps are running, bin-bags are overflowing and there is still crime tape over the bathroom door. I take another deep breath. And another. I keep going till I smell it.

The horrendous, familiar stench of alcohol.

Castle can read the look in my eyes as I head over to a slightly open cupboard in the kitchen. I swallow as I see whisky, beer, wine, gin, baileys and a million other murky bottles of liquor. I turn away from the cupboard with hurt in my eyes. I know this isn't the time or place for it, but it's there. I've gone through this before. No again. Not now, not ever.

'Kate, I'm sorry.'

'It's ok. Don't worry. You have reason.'

I blink my tears away and turn to face him. He has tears streaming down his face. They look as if they've been there for days. They probably have.

He looks so scared and upset. I can't take it anymore.

I pull him for a bear hug.

I can feel his tears melting into my jacket. Old ones, falling to my shoes. New ones, onto my shoulder.

'It's ok, Rick. It's gonna be ok.'

'Kate. How do you it? How do you cope after they're gone?' He's gasping, barely breathing.

'Shh… It's all going to fine. It'll be ok, I promise. I'm here with you.'

'Stay. Please. I can't be alone now.'

'Of course I'll stay. For as long as you want.'

'Always…' Once the short word has left his mouth, I know that this is where I need to be. And this is where I'll stay.

I slowly let him go.

I put my hand out and he shakily takes it. I lead him over to the couch. His breathing has slowed after our hug.

He looks me in the eye to let me know he wants a serious answer to whatever's coming up next.

'How do you do it? You must know. You've been through it. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to cope… without her?'

'Everyone deals with it differently. It just something you have to work out.'

'What did you do?' Oh dear, how do I answer that without letting him know one of my biggest secrets.

'I…I read.'

'Read what?' He needs to know. He deserves to know.

'Your books.' I smile faintly. 'I read all of your books, again and again till I knew some of them off by heart.

He smiles. An empty, hollow smile. But it's enough.

'I guess you need to write me some books to read then.'

'Yeah, I guess so. They won't be as good as yours though.' He smiles a cheeky grin.

'Of course not! Nothing could ever beat mine. I'm just that awesome.'

I chuck a cushion at him and he chucks one back, right in my stomach.

'Oy! That hurt!' He grins again and grabs another one.

I run to his bedroom to get more pillows. The bed hasn't been slept in in days.

I look to his bedside table. There's a new photo. One of Castle, Alexis and Martha. The date says two days before Martha was killed. They look so happy there. It was Rick's birthday that day. They went out for lunch to a big restaurant round the corner from the precinct. They invited me but I said 'no'. Why did I do that?

A muscular arm sneaks round the door and throws at me while I'm facing the other direction. When I don't react, Castle walks into the bedroom and over to where I'm standing. A fresh band of tears arrive in his eyes when he sees what I'm looking at.

'I'm sorry.' I stutter. 'I just saw that it was new and picked it up and…'

'Hey, Kate, don't worry. I'm ok.' He sniffs and takes a tissue out of his pocket. 'ish…'