Preface
On average there are 6.721 billion people in this world. And out of that many people, you only have one mother and one father. People are expected to believe that through every fault their parents may posses, you must always love them as much as they do you.
But believing and knowing are two different things. As are expectations and outcomes.
Most children hate their parents for being too strict and wish they would let them do whatever they want. Those children are the lucky ones. Those children have parents that genuinely care and love them, even when they seem to be being unreasonable.
I'm one of those people who wish to have parents like that. And whenever I hear someone being hateful to them, I automatically want them to see how it would be like in my shoes for a day. With one distant mother and a father whom I have never met, only heard about him briefly through my mom.
When she had told me about my birth father not wanting to exist in my life, even before I was born, I acted like it didn't bother me. But the truth is that it hurts everyday. It makes me feel as though I wasn't good enough, that there must have been something that he couldn't bare to think about let alone be a father to. I guess that's why I've always felt like a haven't belonged, even with a group of friends.
Every time I drift apart from someone I always wonder what makes me so unbearable that no one wants to be around. He made me that way. Well actually my mother's words about him, but I'd never been one to not believe her seeing as she's the only mother I have.
I've never tried to tell my mom about my feelings towards my biological father, truthfully I don't think she'd care that much. Anne Lanson always been more of like an acquaintance to me, much less a mother.
Anne is known for her stubbornness, rudeness, and hating to admit it, her use of alcohol. As much as I try to tell myself it's just a phase she's going through, I always know deep down that nothing could ever change her, not even me. How depressing for a daughter to think about her mother, right?
Anne wasn't always been a strong alcoholic, she only used to drink a couple glasses of wine a week. That was until she met her new husband, my grouchy step-father.
They met at a club. My mom had went out with her work 'friends' for a night on the town, to get away from all the 'pressures at home and have a completely carefree night', their words. Well guess what? That's exactly what she got.
Obviously I wasn't at the club at the time, but I remember her bragging to her 'friends' about it the day after. Anne had said that she had seen him over at the bar, they were making innocent glances at each other for about half an hour until he sent a drink her way after her friends had went off to dance.
The drink had been a Vodka and Lime. One of the drinks that she had never tasted, but she said that after the first sip tasted like heaven.
Apparently seeing her delight to the drink he bought for her, Eric Lanson made his advance towards her. They had flirted a while before they started 'making out'. My mom later invited him back to our house where they stumbled through the door, waking me and my grandparents up and continued the rest of their 'activities' in the bedroom.
Being only 6 at the time, I didn't really understand what her problem was. I'd always asked my grandparents what was wrong with her, but they'd always tell me that she was sick and needed help. Which truthfully she did and still does.
As I got older, it became clear to me what was happening to her. In some ways I wish I was nieve enough to not understand, so I would feel like it wasn't my fault. I'd always felt like I was the cause of my mothers un happiness, but after she met him, she decided to make me feel as though I was the reason why my biological father dumped her.
Eric Lanson had changed her that night... into a drunk.
From then on, nights like those became regular and the relationship between my mother and I became deceased. It didn't take Eric very long to propose to her, about 4 months, and they eloped on a sudden trip to Las Vegas, after dropping me off at my grandparents at 2 o'clock in the morning.
Ever since then, the only people I could count on were my Grandmother Maggie and Grandfather Charlie. They loved me when my mother was busy, cared for me when she couldn't be bothered and raised me to be caring as they are. They are the only people in the world who know how I feel, and it pains me to be put in their prospective looking over their drunk daughter with shameful eyes.
I've tried to make them feel like they can raise someone well, as they doubt their parenting skills because of my mother, so I refused changing my last name to Lanson when my mother insisted. If I wanted to be labeled a drunk like them I would change my name to 'alcoholic' not Eric's useless last name.
Eric has never tried to be pleasant to my grandparents. The only thing he has done is make my mother more distant from all of us. Most of the time he stirs up stuff between my mom and I, just to make me more miserable than I already am.
Anne tries to convince me that she's insanely in love with Eric Lanson. But I know she just likes the idea of being in love with him.
Even though I've never had a boyfriend, much less been in love, I know what it looks like.
Every time I see my grandparents together or watch Brenda and Dylan on Beverly Hills 90210, I can't help but hope that some day to have that kind of relationship with someone. But seeing my mothers many failed relationships and then her turning to Eric, I sometimes think that I never will find someone genuine.
Even though Anne hadn't always been the best mother to me before she met him, I'd trade that version any day, from the version of my mom I have now.
Every day things pile up on me. Some things that I can't even talk to my grandparents about, with the fear of sounding too sensitive. So I've come to a conclusion that out of the 6.721 billion people in this world I am in fact alone. Seeing as my grandparents do have their own lives.
But no matter how much I feel down every time I see my mom pick up the bottle, feel hurt from my father or walking into my house knowing I'm alone, I vow to myself and my family, that I , Holly Mills, will never be like Anne Lanson.