I own nothing. Starting with Teddy, it switches off every time.

"Scorpius, we've got to talk."

"I'm in the middle of paperwork. Could you wait until I'm done?"

"There's no way in hell that I'm waiting for you to fill all of that stuff out in your stupid fancy handwriting with all of it's swirls and shit. You're about the slowest writer ever."

"Perfection takes time, Teddy, and they're called flourishes, not swirls, and definitely not shit. At least my reports don't look like they were written by a six year old."

"That was low."

"Okay, I'm sorry for being rude and for insulting your handwriting. What did you want to talk about?"

"You should start looking for another partner."

"Are you ditching me for a guy with faster handwriting?"

"Not at all. I applied to be the Defense teacher at Hogwarts so that I'll be able to help Victoire out with little Avery or Charlotte. My family deserves to not have to worry for my life like I did with Harry. If I get it, I'll be leaving the Aurors."

"Well shit."

"What? I think that's a great reason!"

"It is, which is exactly why I did the exact same thing. Also because I hate paperwork."

"Shit is right. I deserve that job."

"Why?"

"My wife is more pregnant than yours."

"One, my wife is pregnant with twice as many children as yours, and two, because of this, the estimated due date is earlier. Rose is farther in her pregnancy in terms of number of days completed divided by estimated number of days."

"Then choose another class to teach: Transfiguration, Divination, whatever you want because you got great grades in all of those classes. Defense is the only classes that I'm qualified to teach."

"The Defense classroom is the closest to the Charms classroom, where my wife and the future mother of my twin girls will be working."

"If we can't settle this with words, I'm going to have to fight you for it."

"Rose will kill me for fighting with you."

"Rose is under five feet tall and carrying two of your offspring in her stomach. Someone who's scared of their pregnant wife isn't exactly qualified to teach a class like Defense."

"The babies aren't in her stomach."

"Really? I had no idea!"

"I was just making sure. How about we don't fight and we wait for the school to decide which one of us will get the job?"

"Thank Merlin, now I don't have to file an incident report. I knew I kept you around for a reason."

"You also don't have to get rejected from being a teacher for having an assault charge on your record."

"Or have to watch you file your report for the twenty hours it would've taken you."

"Hey, I'm not that slow. May the best man win."

"Man, hah! You're practically a boy."

"I'm three inches taller than you."

"I have eight years more experience than you."

"I can lift more."

"My wife is more pregnant than yours."

"My paperwork stack is higher than yours, so I'm just going to finish that before we get into a neverending loop of this. Let the best man win."

"You already said that. And it's my job!"

"No, it's definitely mine."

()()()

"I think it's actually Harry's job. I can't believe he never told me that he was applying, especially when he witnessed us talking about it the other day."

"Looks like you're the one who needs to look for a new partner."

"No, you didn't get the job. Are you in shock an unable to process what's happening? Please say you aren't, because I'd probably have to do the paperwork that says that it wasn't as a result of any Auror duties."

"That won't be necessary. I didn't get the Defense job, but did you see the name listed for the Herbology job? Scorpius Malfoy."

"I thought you only wanted Defense."

"Defense is clearly superior in many ways, but I got all Os in Herbology and Professor Neville loved me. Plus Herbology has greenhouses in which I can grow flowers and get romance points with Rose."

"Now you're just bragging. About Rose, will both of you be called Professor Malfoy?"

"You bring up a good point. I'll make sure to call dibs on the name."

"And you wanted me to believe that you're a man and not a boy. Any chance there's another spot open? Preferably not in Potions or Transfiguration."

"No, only the three."

'Three's a lot. I thought there was some rule that Hogwarts teachers have to teach until they're over one hundred and on their deathbed or something."

"Neville's the new Headmaster. He's still going to teach NEWT classes, but he needs someone to teach OWL classes. Flitwick is retiring, and the Defense teacher got fired for yelling swear words at a class of sixth years for twenty minutes straight."

"How much would I have to offer you to get Rose to convince the Board of Governors or Neville or someone to have a Ministry representative do psych evaluations for the teachers? Trelawney would totally fail."

"You have to do all of my paperwork, and neatly too."

"Deal."