Chapter 1: To Honor Her
"Hey. How long are we gonna do this?" Sam whispers to Bruce with his rarely used tone of urgency.
Bruce is half listening, busy checking the equipment on the walls of the space enabled quinjet.
" It should have worked, theoretically, with the reality, time and soul stones it should have worked. The logic is there." Bruce's words are meant for himself, to convince himself he was right because reality was telling a very different story.
"Bruce. it's been 30 minutes for god's sake. Someone needs to tell him, or he's not going to stop."
"No, no, no. should have brought Shuri, maybe if we go to Wakanda right away they can…"
Sam grasps Bruce's bicep tightly and his attention is forcibly taken off the medical equipment.
"They can what? Resurrect her?"
Bruce looks down in defeat, and the only sound that can be heard is the loud beeping noise coming from the cardiac monitor that designates a patient has flat-lined.
"Yeah, last time I checked THAT wasn't a thing. And THAT wasn't the plan. Besides you know exactly why we couldn't bring Shuri. The risk was too high. This was a long shot, we all knew that going in and we had to try, but we need to call it. For Him."
Sam nods his head toward the muscular man behind him, as Steve continues to do chest compressions and mumble desperate pleas.
"Nat, come on, don't do this" the sounds of him pressing up and down on her chest interject his desperate words.
"I've got you, I've got you."
"You've …just... you've gotta meet me halfway here."
"Come on, dammit. I never meant... not this... not like this. "
"Oh God, I should have… I didn't …."
"I just need you to come back, dammit, come back. For me, please?"
"Please, God, just ...please."
Sam approaches and places a hand on Steve's shoulder.
"Steve." Steve jumps at the interruption and looks over to his best friend, realizing he forgot the two other avengers were in the room with him.
Steve looks to Sam and sees his melancholy expression. Sam shakes his head side to side.
"No." Steve panics in a way he never has before.
"NO, not yet. I can do this, we can do this. She's there I can feel it. Just, give me more time. We've come this far. I-I can do this all day. As long as her blood is pumping and we're breathing for her, sh-she'll be okay. Right, right Bruce?"
Steve looks to Bruce, and Bruce wont -no can't make eye contact.
"She- she can't be. She, she's right here… right here in front of me."
"I know, but remember we agreed. Before we came here, we all agreed that if there came a point where we needed to call it, no matter how painful it would be, we would. This was a long shot in the first place and we decided that if we could in the very least bring her home to honor her, for her funeral this mission would be considered a success, it would better than not trying at all."
Steve has stopped the compressions. Listening to the horrific truth in the Falcon's words.
"We only have a small time window for this and it's closing soon. If we don't make the quantum jump soon, we won't make it safe home. And if we all don't make it home safe, then this is all a waste. It's time."
Steve nods his head in acknowledgment. And turned his attention back to her still form.
"Can you guys give us a minute?"
Sam and Bruce go to exit the main cabin of the quintet. Bruce turns off the sound of the machines on his way to the front of the shop, while Sam casts a lingering expression of concern.
"We'll be in the cockpit if you need us. We have 30 minutes until the jump."
Once alone, Steve was drowning in his thoughts. His eyes dance over her still body. God, even now, she was beautiful. He reaches to tuck a stray strand of crimson hair behind her ear.
" I-I don't know where to start. Where do I begin to tell you how much you mean to me. I didn't realize how, how important you've become. I—"
Steve lets out a breath with quivering lips. Trying to keep it together, then a cynical chuckle escapes.
" I guess I really am predictable, huh? First Peggy, now you… You would probably make fun of my age about now, something like you can't teach an old dog new tricks. "
He never told Peggy he loved her, he was too late before he had sacrificed himself into the ice. And now he's beginning to understand the pain Peggy must have went through being left behind. Because he was yet again too late, to tell the woman he loved what she meant to him. Steve takes a deep breath and musters the courage to bare his soul to her.
"Nat, you are undoubtedly the strongest, and most inspiring person I have ever met. You make me a better version of myself and I've come to depend on you. Working with you as partners, as best friends has been the biggest blessing in my life. When we first met, I never told you this, but my life… my life was nothing before I met you. I had nothing, no one. Until you came along and we became the backbone of the avengers. Training Wanda, Sam and Vision together, we really complimented each other in the best always pushed me and everyone around you to be better, even if it hurt you. You supported us all, in the shadows, a thankless job, anticipating everyone's needs before we even knew we needed something. God, you are just so damn brilliant. And after the accords, while we were on the run… I can honestly say I've never trusted anyone more in my life. Even Buck. I never would have survived those years without you by my , I dare say I have come to treasure those years. It feels so wrong without you here. I guess what I'm saying is:
Natasha, I love you. For all that you are and with every fiber in my being. I want to thank you for all the good you brought to my life and to everyone around you, despite the obstacles that came with it. I will absolutely never forget you because you are my everything."
He kisses the top of her forehead and lets go of her hand that he was subconsciously holding, resting it across her abdomen.
He's almost nearly ready to stand, but can't bring himself to.
" I know this… it might be useless at this point. But, I have to say one more thing."
He blows out a slow breathe.
" I'm sorry."a choked sob escapes his lips and tears start to trickle down his cheeks. "God, I'm so sorry." He takes a deep breath and hardens his face.
" I shouldn't have said... on the bridge. I was—it was so stupid. Whatever it takes?"
"What was I thinking!? We… don't... We shouldn't trade lives. We weren't supposed to trade lives. You never would have been so reckless with your words. It—it wasn't worth the cost. The price we paid was too much…the price I paid... it's too damn much. " His tears have turn angry and he feels his clenched fists break skin on his palms.
He turns his gaze away from her and into the floor, with guilt-stricken features. Unable to look at her corpse at longer, he kneels next to the cot, grasping the sheets beside her body attempting to calm his anger. After a few moments, he changes positions resting on his elbows and his hands wringing together in a prayer like fashion. He readies himself for a confession that he knows will haunt him for the rest of his life, but he owes her at least that much.
"I'm sorry.." He brings his forehead to his hands as the painful words fall out of his mouth."I-I asked you to pay the ultimate -you-it's my fault-I led you to your death. And for that, I am so sorry. You deserved so much more than this."
The only reply he gets is a deadly silence which fills the room.