A/N: I've been reading a lot of stories lately that let Elizabeth off too easily and was too perfect. I wrote this as response because I think flawed Elizabeth is so much more interesting than perfect Elizabeth.
This is just one scene (one long scene) unless the urge strikes me to continue. Or readers feel I left too much hanging. I'm actually rather surprised with myself for even writing this as I enjoy reading more than writing.
This is my first fanfic. It is unbeta-ed so please be gentle with me.
You have said quite enough, madam. I perfectly comprehend your feelings, and have now only to be ashamed of what my own have been. Forgive me for having taken up so much of your time, and accept my best wishes for your health and happiness.'
And with these words he hastily left the room, and Elizabeth heard him the next moment open the front door and quit the house. The tumult of her mind was now painfully great…
-Pride and Prejudice, chapter XXXIV
Returning to the parsonage to check on her friend, Charlotte Collins had heard the entirety of Mr. Darcy's disastrous proposal as well as Elizabeth Bennet's reaction to it. In her opinion, it was equally disastrous. Eliza truly had no idea how Mr. Darcy always admired her. It was as if she were deliberately obtuse when it came to the man. Charlotte was in full belief Mr. Darcy was the only man who could make her friend happy. Was there any way to salvage this unfortunate event?
Charlotte entered the sitting room, surprising Elizabeth. She did not expect her for some time. Feeling how unequal she was to encounter Charlotte's observation, she hurried to her room. Charlotte could not, in good conscience, ignore what she had heard. Following closely, she stopped the door before Elizabeth could close and lock it.
"Charlotte, I'm sorry. I'm afraid my headache is quite worse. I would like to retire for the night, if you do not mind." The pleading tone in Elizabeth's voice was unfamiliar to Charlotte. She felt for her friend but knew she could not allow herself to be dismissed before discussing what occurred.
Deciding boldness was the best course of action, Charlotte did not disguise her intent. "I imagine Mr. Darcy has quite the headache right now as well." Seeing the agony and confusion in Elizabeth's eyes, Charlotte sat on the bed and embraced her friend. Feeling Elizabeth start to pull away, she said gently, "I heard everything. Oh, Eliza, you must be very distressed. You will feel better if you talk about it. You know you will not be able to calm or rest until you do."
Charlotte listened as Elizabeth told her of all she overheard from her own perspective. She also told of her morning walks with Mr. Darcy and the revelation Colonel Fitzwilliam made regarding Mr. Darcy's interference with Jane and Mr. Bingley. Charlotte could offer no consolation. Instead of calming, Elizabeth became more and more agitated. Even though her target was no longer in front of her, the viciousness Elizabeth directed toward Mr. Darcy was alarming in its intensity.
Mr. Darcy was very wrong in his addresses but upon his retreat from the parsonage Charlotte noted he looked utterly defeated – mortified, confused, and sad. Sympathy stirred in her. She was not sure he deserved the ire Elizabeth held for him. Charlotte's attempts to advocate a more tempered perspective went unheeded. Mr. Darcy's villainy was attaining mythic proportion in Elizabeth's mind. The narrative would allow for no fault in any but Mr. Darcy. She knew Elizabeth's fury would consume her if left unchecked.
After numerous repetitions of Mr. Darcy's seemingly cavalier attitude in regard to the destruction of Jane's happiness, Charlotte decide to only way to progress the conversation was to shock her into responding, using an unexpected truth. "Oh, Eliza, how hypocritical you are." At this, Elizabeth started. Preparing to defend herself, Elizabeth was ordering her thoughts when Charlotte continued.
"Did you not attempt to dissuade me from marrying Mr. Collins? Could that, too, not be seen as meddlesome interference by a friend? Had I not married, and lived as a spinster as I expected, I would have remained at home, a burden to my family, or found an occupation. Would it be fair of me to lay any misery I might have experienced in such circumstances on your head rather than my own? By your understanding I would be quite justified in hating you as would my family. The responsibility of my situation would be yours rather than my own."
"I would not say the situations are the same," countered Elizabeth, contemplating what Charlotte just said, unwilling to hear the truth in her words.
Charlotte closed her eyes and sighed, "You are more like Mr. Darcy than you care to admit. He was concerned for his friend and spoke to what he believed to be Mr. Bingley's best interests. Just as you did to me. However, I remained resolute as I chose the path to determine my own happiness."
As Elizabeth opened her mouth to speak, Charlotte cut her off. "Yes, happiness, I do not love Mr. Collins but we are comfortable together and my situation is agreeable. I can even say I'm rather fond of my husband. I am happy. And Mr. Bingley, who, if you are correct, had the added inducement of love, chose his own path as well. In allowing himself to be persuaded against his love, the fault is his not his friend's. You must understand that. If not, I shall be forced to think you simple. And we both know you are not. But if you continue to lay blame as such, you absolve a great many people of the responsibility of their own actions."
"No, it's just that Mr. Darcy…he shouldn't have… "
"No, perhaps he shouldn't have but nor should you. What's worse, you still have not accepted my choice. You do not disguise your disdain, or your pity, as well as you might think. I do not require your pity, Eliza. In truth, that is more hurtful than the sport or mirth you continue to find in my situation."
"Oh Charlotte, I am so sorry. I never conceived that I could make you feel this way." Now knowing the disservice she had done to one of her dearest friends, Elizabeth had never felt so wretched.
"It is not just Mr. Darcy that holds such sway over his friends." Summoning her courage to continue with the difficult conversation about Mr. Darcy, Charlotte continued.
"Mr. Darcy's words may have had more influence on Mr. Bingley because they are grounded in truth." At this, Elizabeth gasped, ready to defend her sister. "No, let me finish. In Jane's defense, you say she is shy and not prone to show her emotions. Yet, you also believe her feelings for Mr. Bingley to be obvious, but you are viewing Jane as your dear sister who you have known for two decades. Does that not grant you more sensitivity to her feelings than gentlemen who have known her for two months? Again, Mr. Bingley, being more in her company than Mr. Darcy, should have, perhaps, would have, shown greater discernment if there was actually something for him to discern. "
"But to believe Jane of being mercenary, to accept Mr. Bingley because my mother…is in every way unfathomable," Elizabeth cried.
"Have you ever had a conversation with Mr. Darcy about your and Jane's desire to marry only for love?" Charlotte asked.
"Of course not, Charlotte. To do so would be most inappropriate."
"In Mr. Darcy's society, indeed, in our society as well, marriages are often the result of situation and convenience, a series of marks and tallies in ledger, if you will. Objectively, the marks in Mr. Bingley's favor were myriad – handsome, amiable, wealthy, residing close to Longbourn, and showing interest in dear Jane. Your mother was rather vocal in her adoration of his circumstances. That she did not swoon in delight is rather singular, wouldn't you say?" Charlotte laughed softly. At this, Elizabeth blushed a deep red in acknowledgement of the truth of this statement.
"Would Jane have been able to hold firm against your mother if she didn't feel herself in love with Mr. Bingley? You expressed your concern that Jane would have accepted Mr. Collins in order to do her duty to your family. Would she not have felt that same duty if Mr. Bingley were to offer for her? Even if she felt no love for him, Mr. Bingley would be a very desirable husband...But now perhaps he is made less so if he is as easily led as you believe. Is that the man you wish Jane to be tied to in marriage?
After several minutes of deep thought, Elizabeth could not contradict Charlotte's words. With this, her stance against Mr. Darcy's involvement in Jane and Mr. Bingley's relationship softened. Charlotte turned her attention to other aspects Mr. Darcy's proposal.
"Now that you have cause to rethink Mr. Darcy's motivations for separating Jane and Mr. Bingley should you not rethink the other charges you brought against him?
"I cannot see why that should be so. The other charges are wholly unrelated," Elizabeth cried, clinging to her dislike of Mr. Darcy as fervently as Miss Bingley clinging to Mr. Darcy's arm.
"Mr. Darcy's proposal was magnificent in its failure. However, until his proposal, in what way was Mr. Darcy rude, arrogant, or conceited. How did he show his selfish disdain for the feelings of others?"
Surprised at this question, Elizabeth exclaimed, "Why, on almost every meeting, in every interaction – you cannot doubt that."
"That doesn't answer my question, Eliza. I also ask you to examine your own behavior? Can you say without a doubt that you never exhibited any of the conduct of which you have accused him? What of the behavior of your family?"
At this, Elizabeth anger flared and she began pacing. Loath to explore her memories of all she knew of Mr. Darcy, she took Charlotte's challenge as a betrayal. "I am not having this conversation, Charlotte. Haven't I had to endure enough today?"
"Proposed to by an intelligent, honorable, and handsome man. Informed of his ardent love and admiration. Yes, you have endured much suffering today." Charlotte's voice was harsh.
"Elizabeth's eyes whipped to her friend's face. "Charlotte, you heard everything he said to me. How can you may light of this?"
"Yes, I heard everything he said to you today. And I heard everything you said, too. You will also remember that I was present for many of your meetings in company, both in Meryton as well as at Rosings. You have shared with me your conversations at Netherfield. Even only hearing your perspective, I fear I cannot always favor you in the interactions as you related them. Eliza, you are very proud of your dislike of Mr. Darcy and I think that hinders your ability to see the situation as it truly is.
"Think of this, Mr. Darcy is not the sort to enter into conversation against his wishes. Nor would he do so to toy with his conversational partners. At Rosings, he was seeking conversation with you in all sincerity. It sounds as though he did at Netherfield as well. You challenged and provoked him when he was doing the very thing you dared him to when you were at the pianoforte with Colonel Fitzwilliam…practice. Yet everything he said you twisted and flung back at him. He is so in love with you that he found it charming rather than rude. Because make no mistake about it, Eliza, you were rude. Can you honestly say your manners were any better than Mr. Darcy's throughout your acquaintance?"
"So clearheaded as always, Charlotte. You speak of love. You are to be commended for your understanding. It must be nice to be so well-versed on something you know so little of." Elizabeth snapped.
"That's not fair, Elizabeth, and you know it." Charlotte never called Elizabeth by her full name. It was a sign of how much she was hurt by what Elizabeth said. Resigned, she made an effort to do as Charlotte asked and explain how Mr. Darcy's manners, or lack thereof, were on display. She blurted out the many crimes she believed Mr. Darcy perpetrated against the Bennets and the populace of Meryton.
"He insulted me. He refused to dance. He's taciturn and stoic and doesn't talk. He stares at me, trying to find fault. He stalks the borders of the room or looks out the windows rather than conversing with others. He's contrary and difficult and so serious when he does speak. You've seen the disdain he feels toward my family. He behaved abominably to Mr. Wickham. When you add to that how he separated Jane and—" Charlotte held up her hand and shook her head as if to say enough of Jane and Mr. Bingley.
"I cannot excuse or explain his insult to you. Nor shall I try. However, was it necessary for you inform everyone of that insult? He might have overcome the first impression he made upon us at the assembly if it were not for his comment being spread far and wide. The unjustness of his comment inspired greater dislike in the community simply for the slight they felt to one of their own. And you let it color every subsequent meeting with him. Have you never made an ill-conceived comment? Have you never said something hurtful toward another person?" Charlotte's look was pointed.
"I saw no need to spare him the community's disapprobation. He had muddled it up on his own well enough." Elizabeth was chagrined to note how petulant she sounded.
"And why do you think that occurred? Could he have been nervous? Or maybe he was resigned to yet another evening of talk about his status or wealth? Perhaps, he would have been willing to leave such things at the door. He was unknown here. Perhaps he was looking forward to not being Mr. Darcy of Pemberley. Yet, he walks in the door and news of his position in society and income rippled through the crowd before he made his way to the first introduction. That places him on his guard.
"I think the looking out of windows, and walking the room are ways for him to protect himself. You have your protections, he has his. It's unfortunate that his make him seem so unsociable. But then, not everybody finds comfort or enjoyment in the stinging wit you use to protect yourself. But we love you and we understand it. What would foreign company make of your propensity to laugh at yourself and the folly of others?"
Elizabeth was alarmed and dismayed. A conversation which she expected to garner sympathy for herself, her poor treatment by Mr. Darcy, and his vile proposal had turned into a defense of Mr. Darcy and an examination of her own perceived failings. Oh, how could Charlotte be so cruel! She truly was cold and unfeeling, Elizabeth thought uncharitably.
"Mr. Darcy is a very serious young man. He does not wear his feelings close to the surface. In this he is very much like Jane. He is quiet, and he doesn't talk much. In this he is very much like Mary. He prefers books and doesn't care to dance. In this he is very much like your father. Your father couldn't even be bothered to leave his book room to attend the assembly. When he is in company, he retires to the card room or watches the company for opportunities to laugh and make sport of his neighbors. Is looking out of windows really a more objectionable behavior? It seems the characteristics you accept in your own family are unpardonable in Mr. Darcy."
Elizabeth had never thought of Mr. Darcy being at all similar to those she loved. On reflection she could see the validity of what was said. "I will concede that you may have a point. Regardless, he still judges my mother and younger sisters harshly. Do you pretend that he does not look down upon your own husband?"
"Hmm, do you not do the same?" Charlotte was unwilling to relent. "Your mother and younger sisters are lively, crude, silly, prone to gossip, and, I am sorry to say, vacuous. You cannot deny it. I know we tend to think it is within our rights to notice the follies and failings of our relations all the while resenting those outside the family circle who make note of the same. While our own perspectives are tempered with love and understanding, one cannot ignore the reality of what others see. We are so used to our unvaried society that we fail to acknowledge that there may be something wanting in our relations that may give pause to others. Should we expect others not to react?
"Mr. Bingley and the Colonel have both commented that Mr. Darcy is more agreeable in intimate company or among close friends and family. Yet you deny this to be true, discounting those closest to him, and judging Mr. Darcy as you believe he does your family."
Uncertainty was taking hold of Elizabeth, "I suppose that could be true. How do you account for Mr. Wickham, though?"
"Perhaps, the better question is how do you account for Mr. Wickham, Eliza?"
"What do you mean?"
"Is not his story all too convenient? I said before Mr. Darcy is an honorable man. You did not contradict this sentiment. Do you believe Mr. Darcy to be honorable?"
"I suppose I do, or rather, I did, before Mr.-"
"Before Mr. Wickham," Charlotte finished for her. "What do you know of Mr. Wickham or his claims other than what he told you? Did you ask Mr. Darcy or Mr. Bingley about Mr. Wickham? If somebody told tales about you, would you not wish for the recipient to verify the information?"
"But, Charlotte, he would have just told the story as he wanted it to be known."
Charlotte lowered her head onto her palm. Oh, Eliza, how can you be so oblivious as to make allowances for one yet vilify the other for the same action, she thought. "That's true. Without direct knowledge we have no way of knowing the whole story. Perhaps, you so should look at Mr. Darcy and Mr. Wickham's estrangement like a debate. You do like a good debate. And a debate requires looking at more than one side of the argument. In doing so, do you not breakdown your opponent's argument, use logic and not emotion to make your point, ask incisive questions, and such? Did you do that?"
Surprising herself with a brief laugh, Elizabeth admitted she had not. Was she really that foolish? She was beginning to think she was, indeed, foolish. Very, very foolish. "Charlotte, you have caught me out. I was not that thoughtful when accepting Mr. Wickham's tale. And accept it I did. I welcomed it, in fact."
"Then let us consider it now. We can ask Colonel Fitzwilliam to confirm the particulars if need be." Dear God, was she actually getting somewhere, finally? My Eliza, at times you require more handling than Mr. Collins, Charlotte thought with amusement.
The night was growing late. Mr. Collins and Maria had already retired as had the staff. As Elizabeth thought on Mr. Wickham's tale, Charlotte went to her room to ready herself for bed, donning her night shift and dressing gown. As she made quick work of her own nightly preparations, Elizabeth had quite some time think as Charlotte had also gone downstairs to prepare tea and a tray with biscuits and cakes. It gave the continuation of their conversation an intimate feel of sharing confidences they hadn't experienced since they were much younger.
When Charlotte returned she saw that Elizabeth had a determined expression on her face. She was ready to view Mr. Wickham's story with a more critical eye. That, in and of itself, was a good sign. Hopefully she would not be too disappointed with what Charlotte was convinced would be the outcome.
Charlotte felt, in this case, it was best to let Elizabeth take the lead. She would ask a few questions to direct the conversation but, in the end, it was necessary for Elizabeth to come to her own conclusions with little prompting. Elizabeth did not disappoint her. Her time alone seemed to have been very productive.
"Oh, my goodness, Charlotte. I am beginning to believe my powers of discernment are no greater than Lydia's. A handsome face, a uniform, and a little attention and I fear I was willing to believe anything the man cared to impart to me. Had he told me he wasn't a mere lieutenant in the militia but rather a spy for the British government, surveilling Meryton and its visitors for evidence of treasonous activities placing them in cahoots with the French - I would have believed him."
"Now, I know Mr. Wickham was very persuasive but I don't believe we need to go quite that far," laughed Charlotte. It felt good to laugh. The tension of the last hours was exhausting and oppressive.
"It's too embarrassing to realize how close to the mark my statement is. As long as it implicated Mr. Darcy, I would have been inclined to believe almost anything. I wanted to hear something bad about him." This acknowledgement stripped Elizabeth of much of her anger on Mr. Wickham's behalf. That wretched feeling of unease in her stomach began to grow.
"Remember, Eliza, we want to be logical and fair in our examination of Mr. Wickham's story. Tell me what question and concerns you now hold." Charlotte's calm demeanor, which she so lately criticized, brought Elizabeth back to herself. She looked at her friend with fondness.
"Charlotte, I fear you are being too kind to me and you already have seen what I should have so long ago." Charlotte raised an eyebrow and gave an almost imperceptible nod, acknowledging the compliment and encouraging Elizabeth to continue. "I had known Mr. Wickham such a short time when he shared his story. Is 'know' even the correct word? Perhaps it's more accurate to say I made his acquaintance only a short time before he told his tale of woe. And I encouraged him to do so. I told him I disliked Mr. Darcy and that he was not well liked in Hertfordshire and everyone was disgusted by his pride. It was fertile ground for Mr. Wickham to plant the seed of the story of Mr. Darcy's infamous conduct. He could not have found a more hospitable climate in all of England.
Tears of self-reproach began to form in Elizabeth's eyes. Taking a deep breath, she went on, "I didn't question anything. The fact that I can now come up with questions so easily is rather disturbing. Mr. Darcy's father provided him with university education, but did Mr. Wickham prepare to take orders? Was he ordained? If Mr. Darcy denied the living to him could he not have pursued another living elsewhere? While denial of the living would be upsetting, is it not but a temporary inconvenience? He could still have made the church his vocation if he was so inclined."
Not wanting to stop Elizabeth now that she got started Charlotte only nodded and sipped her tea. "Mr. Wickham is, perhaps, eight or nine and twenty. At that late age why did he buy a commission in the militia? What has he done with his life since university? There was no guarantee the living he was destined for would be presented in a timely fashion. Did he not take measures to make his way in the world until it was available?
"And what of his many contradictions? He said he would not let Mr. Darcy's presence keep him from attending the Netherfield ball, yet he volunteered for duty to avoid him. He said he could not speak ill of Mr. Darcy while remembering his father so fondly. He only waited until the Netherfield party departed before he voiced his disgraceful claims to the community. In these actions, Mr. Wickham has revealed himself to be a coward, regardless of the truth of his relationship with Mr. Darcy. He and I are alike in that respect. We didn't give Mr. Darcy any opportunity to defend himself."
At this point Charlotte became concerned for her friend. Her faced was flushed and her breathing erratic. She forced a cup of tea into Elizabeth's hand only for her to take a great gulp and let out a hiccuping cough. Tears began running down her face without cease. Still the words spewed forth unabated.
"I have not even mentioned Mary King. When he transferred his attentions to her I was so sanguine, so I believed. I wanted to think he preferred me, but he was forced, by the poverty inflicted upon him by Mr. Darcy, to marry against his inclination. He must marry with consideration to situation. Handsome young men need something to live on, do they not? I was quite proud of myself for seeing how practical he was being. I didn't not grant you the same courtesy of understanding your acceptance of Mr. Collins. Can you ever forgive me, Charlotte?"
Elizabeth did not wait for an answer. "He was just so…so mercenary. I see it now. And I excused it with nary a thought. I am glad Mr. Darcy was not around to witness it. If I was so accepting of Mr. Wickham's intent to marry for a large fortune, there would be little to be done to convince him that Jane and I were not mercenary as well. Do my actions not support what he believed to be true about Jane."
In effort to let Elizabeth to regain control of herself, Charlotte took the conversation in hand. "It seems you have come to a much greater understanding since we began, of both yourself and Mr. Darcy. Do you still find his comments about your family and connections to be without reason? I do not mean to cause you pain, I know the Gardiners are very dear to you. But Mr. Darcy is a man who, I believe, is suspicious of society on many levels. We now believe his childhood friend spread stories about him, Miss Bingley offers false flattery in attempt to curry his favor, and his own aunt is seeking her own benefit as she tries to marry Mr. Darcy off to her daughter. That is just what we know of in our brief acquaintance with the man.
"I think he feels ill-used by society at large. There are many who desire the advantages his approbation can bring without thinking of the man himself. In protecting himself, I don't think he allows many to get close to him beside is cousin or Mr. Bingley. I think he feels alone. I'm convinced he desperately wants not to feel alone.
"He thought he found a partner in you. You do not flatter or simper. You are intelligent, and you challenge him. You are warm and open. You appreciate character, and integrity, and honesty. Though misguided, he thought you would accept his proposal because, almost without fail, everybody wants what he can offer them. He thought you, in turn, would appreciate his honesty.
"He is not wrong in what he said about your family, just how he said it. Or rather that he said it at all. But it is the reality of the situation. Mr. Darcy's choice of wife will be scrutinized to an extent that you and I cannot now imagine. He wanted you to know that he had already thought of the objections you might encounter. H was telling you he was prepared to stand with you, to fight for you if necessary. What a thing it must be to be so cherished!
"I know you do not regret refusing him, but I think you regret how vehemently you did so. I do not wish to absolve Mr. Darcy of all the faults you have encountered in your relationship. I agree, there is much he needs examine in his behavior and manner of address. The anger you may still feel and viciousness you directed toward Mr. Darcy cannot serve you well. He loves you, most passionately, I believe. You now hold a great deal of power over him. Despite what you said, I don't think his disappointment over your refusal will be of quick duration. Please, please, think on what has happened today and how you will act in the future."
"Oh, Charlotte, I am so ashamed of how I behaved. What is to be done now?"