This is how every day begins:
The way he buttons his jacket in the morning: top to bottom in perfect order. Pristine is the word he chooses to describe it.
The way he brushes his teeth: fifty strokes of the bristle against each quadrant.
The way he combs his hair: runs the brush eight times exactly and cuts it short so it doesn't curl.
The room reflects the disposition of the man - no pictures on the wall, no memory of the life that was, no longing for the way it could have been.
A bunk; its covers bleak with exhaustion, four corners tucked underneath in a manner reminescent of hospital nights. A dresser; standard issue. A mirror; small and nestled inside the metal fitting of a locker.
He does not look at his reflection because he knows he is impeccable; this is what is expected.
This is how every day begins:
On the bridge, people smile and salute - because this is the proper thing to do. He is Lieutenant Gaeta. Eltee. (Except that's not the proper name because it sounds informal.) Eltee is Helo. Eltee is Crashdown. Lieutenant is Felix Gaeta because he has no callsign.
This is how every day begins:
He worries what they think of him. He sees his mistakes in the flashing and unsteady flickering of the Dradis. He worries if they resent his decisions.
Felix wants to give up - everything he has worked for. Lieutenant Gaeta is not so bold.
- because it would not be proper.
This is how every day begins:
Coordinates and computer screens fill his dreams at night and he lies when they ask him if he has trouble sleeping. Instead he gives the small smile that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle and says "Of course not, sir."
And he calculates the possibilities of what could have happened.
This is how Gaeta survives; and despises it.
This is how every day begins:
He smokes in the rec room because he thinks it makes him seem human - more tangible when he isn't Lieutenant Gaeta. He wants to say it makes him Felix but then decides he hates cigarettes and drinks ambrosia instead (until he no longer feels the pain of needle and ink). Somehow it doesn't stop him from noticing that conversation goes a bit quiet when he approaches. Because he is still Lieutenant Gaeta.
Sometimes he forgets he is Felix.
Sometimes this realization breaks his heart -
- but that would be improper.