Title: Blood-Red Raspberries

Author: OpheliacAngel

Pairings & Characters: Ruby 2.0/Bela, Ruby 2.0/Sam

Genre: Romance/Angst

Rating: Teen

Summary: Ruby had no idea her crush would become tenfold what it previously was with just a sole look of startling clarity. This is set after Season 4 but before Season 5; Ruby runs into an alive and relatively intact Bela before meeting back up with Sam.

A/N: This was written for #spnrubytuesday on tumblr, in tribute to the amazing and bad ass character that is Ruby. It turned out to be much much longer than expected; hope you enjoy.

Soundtrack: I was listening to the Unsun album 'Clinic for Dolls' incessantly while writing this, primarily 'A Single Touch.' There's a shitty fanmix, since it's without art, that I made for this fic, the link doesn't want to show up here, so it's on my profile.

~And just as a bolt

That comes from the blue

Your unspeakable sorrow

Into my basket flew~

There's not too much that leaves a lasting impression on her, but from the first moment Ruby saw Bela she knew she was someone who she would never forget. The thief doesn't only fill up too much of her waking moments, but more often than not she's on the demon's mind when she falls asleep, which causes her dreams to settle on nothing but her. And as much as Ruby says no, as much as she tries to break away, she must not be putting up much of a fight because Bela's smile only makes her come back for more.

And the memories she has, haunting and at the same time numbing, make Ruby think about where she is and what the hell she's doing with Sam Winchester, because while the time she shared with Bela lasted less than a week, it felt more real than what she's currently living now.

Sharing a bed with Sam is relatively new to her, and she thought it wouldn't feel so much like home but it does. She listens to Sam mumble and shuffle around restlessly in his sleep beside her, limbs stretched out in every which direction and she smiles, brushes back the adorable, overgrown hair clinging to his forehead and shading his eyes. She loves it when she wakes up in the morning, usually she's awake before he is, and she may spend either ten minutes or an hour just staring at him, and when his eyes finally open and he smiles at her, Ruby feels like she's the most important thing in the world to him.

She picked him up when he was falling, put so much effort into putting him back together again, knowing it was her duty, the only job she had to focus on at the moment. And Sam Winchester had doubted her, all the time, but then he found comfort in her and learned to trust her, and Ruby may have grinned when Sam wasn't looking, knowing she was coming closer to her goal, dragging Sam into her inch by inch, having patience, having infinite patience...

But Ruby was also grinning at Sam's genuine interest in her.

Sam appreciated her just like Bela had, because she had picked up Bela too. But whatever she had tried to do, even if she had succeeded a little, it hadn't been enough. They still took Bela, and they took a piece of Ruby's heart too.

The blissful smile on Sam's face never lasts for long, life eventually sinks in and brings the frown lines back. The dedication he has to kill Lilith is the only thing to drag him out of bed and look at Ruby with such trust and hope in his eyes that the demon thinks she'll never be able to deny him anything.

She was never able to deny Bela anything either.

She comes awake suddenly and painfully, fingernails digging crescent shaped marks into her skin, drawing blood, grounding her. It takes her too long to grab hold of her surroundings, much longer than it should. Ruby focuses on breathing though, of letting the sharp light streaming in through the window block the gruesome images of her nightmares, ones desperately clinging onto her, and there's one person that Ruby doesn't want to let go, almost wants to sink back into the horrors that come with sleep for...

But Sam brings her back down to earth and there's no going back now.

"Ruby, what's wrong?"

The Winchester boy doesn't seem overly concerned, his hand not under the pillow to grab the hilt of his knife, but he's currently letting Ruby see his concern and confusion and right now, the first thought of fully waking is that she wants to be with him forever, just lie here and stare at him, not have any responsibilities or guilt of the past drag them down.

Maybe by themselves they'd crash and burn; but together, Sam and Ruby hold each other up and survive.

If no one else ever understands that, it's their loss.

She chuckles nervously, trying to brush it aside. "Didn't think it was possible for me to have nightmares about hell." Nightmares about Bela in hell, she means, but she really doesn't think she should tell Sam exactly that.

His forehead creases with further concern, a concern the demon thought Sam would never show to her, and his touch is soothing and warm as he brushes back her hair and smiles sleepily at her. "It's gonna be okay, you're here with me now. I'll take care of you." And Ruby doesn't doubt him for a second, merely settles herself up on top of him again and kisses him, losing herself in the feel of his warm lips kissing her back slowly, because if she could pick anywhere she wanted to be, it would be right here with Sam Winchester. But if Bela was here, well, then she would want to be with her too, with the both of them, snuggled up beside one another, kissing for innumerably long amounts of time and then moving onto the better stuff.

She smiles and pulls away, "You think I'm not capable of taking care of myself, Dumbo?" She tugs the human's ear and Sam swats her hand away.

"No," Sam laughs then continues talking softly, as if he just wants to share this moment with her and only her, that the world outside doesn't exist as long as they're together. "I just think sometimes you need someone, and it's okay to admit that. I'm perfectly fine admitting I need you."

He needs me. And her heart nearly melts, almost forgetting about her purpose, about what she needs to be doing right now: training Sam, getting him to trust her more. But he seems like he more than trusts her, it seems like he might be falling in love with her.

And she's falling in love with him.

A few months prior...

Ruby's been in a good mood ever since she woke up in that uncomfortable hospital bed with a new lease on life.

She's feeling great, which is pretty damn awesome after waking up from her vessel's coma for who knows how long. Her first task had been to get the hell out of there and find a decent change of clothes, she wasn't picky but honestly had to get something that would flatter her new figure at least a little. Throughout running into a department store to dress herself properly, trying to focus less on getting used to her new figure and more on returning to Sam Winchester after his flat out rejection of her previous short-lived vessel, she couldn't shake the intense hunger she had for fries. It was to be expected, but having a headache and her mouth constantly watering was not welcoming when she realized there were other, more important things to worry about.

Oh well, stopping at a diner would have to go up to the top of her list.

Finally finding a pair of jeans that fit properly, trying and pretty much failing to fix the terrible state her new hair was currently in, fuck, she missed being blonde, she hopped back into the car she had recently picked up: a black Mustang, and sped away.

So now after making a quick pit stop and sating her hunter, and while she was definitely gonna enjoy her new ride after working her way out of hell, she had to get to Sam and somehow, she imagined finding him again would be about as easy as the last time. Pushing eighty-five in a fifty-five zone, she cruised with the music on loud, relaxing and occasionally running her hands through her tangled hair but trying not to sulk on that issue too much. And then she caught sight of something looking ominously like Bela Talbot.

She slammed on the brakes and switched to reverse, pulling up next to a young woman that was definitely Bela.

The demon parks her new Mustang and permits herself a moment to take in the sight of the human, not able to keep her eyebrows lowered or her laugh beneath the surface. She looks absolutely terrible, seriously, Ruby thought she looked bad. As far as her memory serves her, which is pretty damn good, she remembers that Bela was even more of a stickler for fashion and outward appearances than the demon could ever hope to be. And despite meeting the thief only a few times, enough to be counted on the fingers of one hand, she remembers Bela as confident, savvy and a force to be reckoned with, despite being a puny human and all.

She had skill that Ruby had admired and a face that instantly froze her, forcing her to meet her gorgeous hazel eyes and revel in them, and even when she was able to break away, she couldn't be stopped from admiring everything Bela was: her sense of fashion, hair and oh so very sweet smile.

And Ruby knew she was screwed from those few times, realizing that it got worse every increasing time she looked upon the thief.

And then that last time, and Ruby hadn't known it would truly be the last time, and it wouldn't have been if she had had a decent say in it, that last time when Bela's eyes had caught her own, and it wasn't just a passing glance but she really looked at Ruby, something flaring in their depths: excitement and curiosity, and if Ruby had had her way then, she would have taken her without a hint of hesitation.

Things never work out that way and maybe they never will, though with Bela right here right now, seeming all too human and still so beautiful despite how horrible she may appear to anyone else, things may be looking up for just a split second, all Ruby can afford anyway.

Suddenly, Ruby wouldn't be able to understand her own logic if she were to deny her anything.

Somehow still, she can't, wouldn't want to draw her eyes away. Bela seems to shine through all the grime and muck she is drenched in, and the demon's eyes glow with want.

Bela is covered from head to toe in mud and who knows what else, there is barely a part of her that isn't covered except areas of her face that the human must have had to clear for her to be able to actually see and breathe; she is also dripping with water and there seems to be so much of it judging by her apparent difficulty in holding herself relatively upright, that it physically must be weighing her down. Her face looks less than amused as her eyes latch onto Ruby's the moment she rolls the window down, the radio blaring throughout the interior. Ruby can't not see the shock on her face also though, the shock of seeing her in a drastically different vessel, though somehow Bela can still tell.

Tell that it's her.

And maybe Bela never got it those times before, or maybe she just blew it off, but Ruby hopes she remembers, remembers she cares about her.

Bela, clearly not giving a damn about the demon's potential intentions for her, walks nearer, wincing at the ear-shattering volume; Ruby turns it down and smiles the sweetest smile she can conjure up at her. "What happened to you? Thought you were down in the pit?" She wishes they could be talking about something else, anything else, but unfortunately this is pretty damn pressing.

"Long story," Bela growls, her arms wrapping around herself in a futile attempt to warm up a little. Okay, so Ruby shouldn't have to be honest, considering the huge tragic mess they both fell into, courtesy of those damn Winchester brothers, but she takes pity on the human and opens the passenger side door.

"Get in," she orders, though it really comes through more like a slight plea, "before it starts raining again." Bela hesitates for a long moment despite the seemingly welcoming invitation, or as welcoming as Ruby could ever hope to be.

She does end up sliding into the roomy passenger seat though, practically sighing in relief out loud at the amount of leg room she has, stretching her legs out completely and getting comfortable, suppressing the voice in her head that's telling her to get the fuck out of the car before Ruby does something. She can feel the demon looking at her intensely for a brief moment before rolling both windows up and taking off. The warm and incredibly soothing leather under and behind her calms Bela down slightly and blessedly grounds her, because let's be honest, she's having a hard enough time believing she's back in the land of the living, and this has been the thing to most ground her since she came back to herself wandering around last night, no idea where the hell she was or how she had miraculously gotten back.

Ruby chooses not to make chit chat for a while; Bela still looks shaken up and the demon has no idea of her state of mind. After about an hour or two though, the silence that is only broken by the now low volume of the radio starts to irritate her and she opens her mouth, smirking slightly.

"Wouldn't happen to have a hair dryer, would ya?"

Bela looks over at her hesitantly, breaking her record of gazing out the window and seeming like she'll never look away. She looks down at herself and grimaces, "Aren't you mad I'm dirtying your upholstery?"

Ruby shrugs, not really, just happy to have you here really. She swallows, shaking her head and dropping the hand untangling her hair back to the steering wheel. Her eyes, despite urging them not to, secretly slide down and over to Bela's hand desperately clutching onto the seat belt.

Shit. She looks away.

"We should get you cleaned up," though Ruby says it more like a question than a statement. Great, she definitely sounds sure of herself; here she is, trying to hold herself together around what was supposed to be just a mere crush.

Of course, getting cleaned up means Ruby stopping at a flea-ridden motel for an hour or two, and while Bela gets cleaned up in the bathroom, Ruby giving her some privacy, the demon tries to salvage her car. Not like she really cares about that particularly.

And then... "Rubes?"

Her heart falters for a brief moment. Bela's never called her that before, never called her anything before; in fact, she can't even remember her saying anything to the demon in the brief time they've known each other, other than the words 'hi' and 'fine.' She gives herself only a millisecond to pull herself together before looking back at the open door and Bela walking out, drying her hair with a towel, her eyes scanning the parking lot for the demon.

"Oh," she smiles a little, though acting like she doesn't belong where she is. "Shower's yours if you want it."

"You look better," Ruby assures Bela, and she truly does, what with her cheeks having a bit more color to them and her eyes incredibly more vivid and alive than before. She's in a second set of clothes Ruby was smart enough to pick up as a backup when she went shopping, and they look incredible on her.

"Thanks," the human smiles and for a mere moment, it seems to kick-start Ruby's heart into overdrive and stir to life the very air around her. "You should...," and she trails off, heading back inside. When she's no longer in sight, the demon leads herself inside, trying so damn hard not to look over at Bela and manages to succeed as she steps into the cramped bathroom and shuts the door softly. She strips, smelling Bela around her as she steps into the shower.

Ruby doesn't know how long she stares at her new self in the mirror, wiping away the steam as soon as she vacates the long gone cold water and not entirely sure what she should be feeling. It's not like she hates her new body, she just can't seem to get used to it as she twirls around as best she can in the tiny space, checking out each part of her, every part that is now so incredibly different that she can't seem to get with the picture and get her ass out of the bathroom. And then she does think about leaving the bathroom finally and physically can't, not with Bela out there.

Until she hears something break out in the other room, that is.

She doesn't even have time to be pissed about not being able to blow-dry her hair as she kicks the door open, her hands not responding as quickly as she'd like, because they feel too different as well.

There's heavy breathing and the demon glances up, sees a broken lamp that must have either been knocked over or thrown on the floor. Bela is looking at her with wide, shocked eyes. "Didn't think you were real." And Ruby almost considers going into the bathroom, giving her some privacy though leaving the door open so she can keep a discreet look on her and also partially reassure Bela that she is real, if Bela being able to see her classifies as real.

Ruby doesn't turn back around though, her eyes sweep over the human instead, whose fingers fumble with the buttons at the front of her shirt, eyes scanning the room as if in panic. She takes a small step forward and it's astounding how quickly and seemingly permanently her eyes flicker to her.

What's wrong? Tell me what's wrong. Even though Ruby already knows what's wrong, and in that split second she walks right up to Bela, forgetting her mission, putting it to the back of her mind, temporarily, heart and head centered on being here for Bela. She doesn't know what to do, they only had planned, or she anyway, to stay here long enough for the two of them to get showers before they hightailed it out of here, but now, staring at Bela, seeing her true condition, there's no way that Ruby can drag her back to the car, and there's no way that she could shove a wad of cash at the human and leave her behind either.

The best option she has is to attempt to relatively calm her down.

"You remember anything?" As if that would ever be the appropriate approach.

Bela shakes her head vehemently back and forth before any hesitation, as if she needs to convince herself as much as Ruby, who wants to go further and ask if she's sure or just doesn't want to talk about it. Looking at Bela right now, really looking at her, the demon can see the charcoal shadows under her frightened and slightly confused eyes, and a slouching posture. She should be lying down, not standing up and staring at Ruby fearfully.

"Lie down," she takes charge, pulling down the covers on the bed, and even though it's a shitty one and the sheets aren't soft, it'll probably feel like heaven to Bela, since she probably hasn't slept since she came back from the pit.

"Thought we had to leave?" And it feels like Bela's testing her, wanting to see if Ruby will say that she has to go, or she's right and the two of them should really get going. She probably assumes the former. Ruby sits down on the far side of the bed from where Bela is standing, flipping the TV on and waiting. Bela stands there staring at the TV and out the window for an insane amount of time, but after a while she carefully sits on the bed, shifting herself to try to maintain comfort though still remain on guard.

"You can sleep if you want." She can't resist smiling and showing her teeth, "Not gonna bite you, sweetheart."

Bela cringes for an instant, barely noticeable if one weren't looking close enough, but several minutes later scoots down so that she is partially lying down, flipping over to face away from the demon. Ruby glances at the clock, confirms the date; she should really be going, sneaking out when Bela's asleep, she shouldn't have to feel responsible and she definitely should not be waiting around, doing absolutely nothing.

But then Bela's breathing evens out, suggesting sleep, and if Ruby could get up off that damn bed and out the door, she would. But dammit... she can't.

Ruby flips through channels until she gets bored and settles for lying back further against the pillows, occasionally glancing over at Bela but always keeping the faint yet steady sounds of her breathing and heartbeat at the forefront of her attention. Here she is: babysitting, except Ruby views this as a lot more than that; she's a strange mix of relaxation and tenseness, and worry over the human's condition is bringing out the latter.

At any other moment in time, the demon would be chastising herself for being weak, for placing her concerns in a deadly area. Ruby's telling that part of her mind to shut up now.

Bela doesn't sleep for long, but Ruby already knows they've spent too much time here, and it's kinda funny and sounds sorta desperate, but Ruby wants to wallow away in this room, with Bela, for an indeterminate amount of time.

She grits her teeth, "Feel like heading out?" Bela blinks, rubbing her eyes and then really looking at her, in a way that doesn't scream fear or mistrust.

"You sure you want me to be tagging along?" Ruby expected a nickname for that one, Bela must be even worse off than she had realized. Or maybe she just wants to hear that more than just slightly affectionate 'Rubes' again, because coming out of Bela's mouth the demon thinks there's pretty much nothing better.

She grins, "Course I want you tagging along, Bels," and she can't miss the human's eyes slightly go wide at that. "Come on," she slides off the bed, "pack up and let's hit the road." Except, Bela doesn't have anything to pack up, so she just saunters out to the car, causing Ruby to stare after her, wanting her.

Ruby tries to drive, she truly does but she honestly can't, not with Bela so warm and real right next to her anyway. They end up stopping at another motel sooner than anticipated, and Bela stares at her in shock. "What are you...," and that's when the demon cuts her off by leaning over and kissing her. Bela doesn't struggle or exactly stop herself from reciprocating the completely unexpected gesture, but Ruby can still feel her tense up, can still sense her confusion and slight fear, as if this is some tactic of Ruby's.

Because what the hell would a demon want with a human, other than to fulfill some grand and sinister plan? As if Ruby isn't completely losing her mind just to be near Bela, just to take in her warmth and beauty and the reality of her being alive and relatively well.

"I guess you've wanted this as long as I have," Bela breathes out when they stop, sitting back against their seats on their own respective sides of the car, trying to catch their breaths, and Ruby glances over and smiles. When she looks away she can feel Bela looking at her and it feels like everything the demon exactly wants, has to have, can't take no for an answer. "I love your hair, by the way."

"Really?" She looks back over at her before rolling down the mirror, playing with her hair a little, "Cause I just can't seem to get used to it, sweetheart..." The human leans over quickly and runs her fingers through it, twirling the dark locks around her fingers as she brings it to her nicely proportioned nose and smells it, sighing in contentment. "Really, Rubes," she smiles the brightest smile Ruby thinks she's ever seen. And there's that nickname again, and here she is melting again. "I think the color looks really great on you."

What has she done to deserve this beautiful prize?

"And the new look as a total," Bela adds quickly, "it's really great, Ruby." They're talking like they're friends, like they've actually known each other for a long time or engaged in many conversations when they haven't really even engaged in one. What's startling Ruby more and more is that things are getting less and less awkward between them.

There's still one thing though: "Yeah, you were able to recognize me."

Bela turns away at that, "I don't know how the bloody hell I was able to, but the second I saw your eyes I could just tell. No matter how different you may look," she reaches for a strand of Ruby's lusciously dark and beautiful hair, twirling it around her finger fondly, "you're still the same to me. Switching vessels doesn't change anything." And Ruby thinks that might have just been the most romantic thing she's ever heard.

Maybe Ruby should be suspicious, maybe she should realize that there's no way Bela can be out of hell right now, that this is an illusion or a trick. But Bela is looking her up and down so lovingly, scooting closer to her, unable to keep her hands off of Ruby's hair, her fingers twirling and twirling and Ruby growing dizzy, and Bela's unbuttoning her shirt, that thin, bleached white, long-sleeved button-down, and she isn't fumbling with the buttons anymore, she's smiling up at Ruby and Ruby can't comprehend how she's waited for so long. Because on this shitty bed in this horrible motel room with the wallpaper peeling and filthy stains on the carpet and ceiling, in this world where there can sometimes be just internal screaming and smiles with nothing ill conceived behind them, the sensation of being light-headed that doesn't have to result from the sight of blood, the feel of silky hair between her fingers, running her tongue along unbroken skin, a realization that in this world she need not feel tainted.

Not having to face a silence with the fear that there is something lurking behind it. Not having to look at Bela and know reality to be her mouth open in a silent scream, voice long gone quiet from weeks of brutalization, her body quivering underneath without the feel of cold metal pressing deeply into her own skin, making Bela moan and writhe beneath her and from pleasurable pain, from biting and breaking skin with small teeth, peppering her with light bruises, holding her down not to restrain her but because she loses control when she considers not having Bela to touch, to taste, to breathe in.

Bela yanks her hair and it hurts, and it's a brutal awakening and makes Ruby cry out. To know that Bela has hold of her tonight and not hell, because there are no nights like this in hell that mean something eternal, unpredictable and altogether life-altering.

Ruby's eyes had widened in surprise and lust as it all began, impatient for Bela to toss her shirt away and bringing up her hands, her fingers tingling, up underneath Bela's shirt and Bela had held them there, Ruby kneading, cherishing silky soft skin that tasted like chocolate. Bela... whose eyes shown with intention that Ruby didn't have to destroy or worry about, with an almost innocent curiosity and sense of security she was handing over to Ruby.

She was finally getting what she wanted, she was finally...

She doesn't know what pulls her out of sleep, but it must be something that startles her. Her hearing takes more than a decent minute to hone back in to reality, and she feels groggy and sore all over but also happy, knowing that whatever caused her aching joints and muddled head, it was entirely worth it.

Bela's screaming.

She sits up immediately and takes hold of her, grabbing hold of both her arms and holding tight, as tight as she can hold because she'll be damned if she's ever letting go of Bela again. "Don't...," Bela tries to shove her away but Ruby has too tight a hold of her, is too determined to let the human slip out of her grip so easily. Bela doesn't relent though, "Why do you care? Why am I here? Why... how...?"

And suddenly it hits Ruby, realizing she hasn't thought of it for more than a few measly seconds because she was so preoccupied with desiring Bela and wanting to shove her way back into her life, into a space in her heart Ruby never thought she would fill up. Bela had let her in though, just a few hours previously and that meant something, it meant something to Ruby and she damn well knows that Bela felt the connection the two share as well. Bela needed release, temporary protection as they lost themselves in one another's skin and scent...

How the hell is Bela here anyway?

"You didn't come back here willingly, did you?" She says with a sinking heart, though the question is still riddled with suspicion. Not towards Bela though, never towards Bela, who looks up at her in surprise and brushes a hand hurriedly through her hair as if there's somewhere else she needs to be, a moment alone, away from Ruby.

The demon doesn't want that at all.

"How the hell could I have accomplished that, Rubes?" Yeah, Rubes, how could a human crawl out of hell? Dammit, she's been a fucking idiot. She's lost her head and for what, just to spend some time with Bela?

Bela knows what she's thinking though, somehow. "You don't regret anything? Do you?" Her eyes are wide and knowing and Ruby curses herself for having to convince the human of this, for even letting it get this far, what they so clearly have, without clearing some things up first and gently probing Bela's state of mind before she just plunged right in. Now she has to bring all of this up now, when they're tired and sated in a way Ruby knows she's never been before.

"Of course not," she pushes Bela's flyaway hair behind her ear and Bela must relax at that or the expression she's fighting to keep on her face: love. Because inside, Ruby is nothing but roiling with all sorts of emotions.

And she would really kill someone for fries right about now.

"Don't worry," she reassures her, glancing around the room nervously, knowing they should get the hell out of here but how exactly should she handle Bela? "We'll figure this out, we'll...," she reaches, she tries desperately but she can hardly convince herself.

Bela starts breaking down again as she trails off, and Ruby can pretty much physically see the internal struggle, racking her own brain for ideas she can't come up with because Bela doesn't remember anything, and the demon truly trusts her with her life now, let alone anything else, but they have to figure out what's going on because suddenly, losing Bela is not an option anymore.

It was before, but it's not going to be now.

She pulls Bela into her embrace, stroking her hair and back, feeling her tears soak through her shirt and it feels like a heaven she's never felt, just to know that Bela is here against all odds. "I promise. I promise I'll never let you go back there, Bels."

"You," Bela pauses, looks up at her confused and allowing herself to hope. "You called me, Bels."

Ruby grins at her, continuing to stroke back her hair, untangling it, because she can tell it sets the human more at ease. "Had to come up with an equally good nickname to yours. Rubes," she tastes it on her own tongue, "I like it."

"Rubes," Bela repeats, managing to smile with tears still streaming down her face and Ruby wipes them away, repositions herself better so Bela can see nothing but her, not the room or the door or the window, and she kisses Bela's eyelids lightly when she shuts her eyes, so Bela can't focus on what's in her head either.

"I will always protect you."

Bela smiles at her possessively with mischievous eyes, and it's the last thing she does before she dissolves into ash, her familiar and comforting weight pulling out abruptly from underneath the demon and sending Ruby crashing face first into the bed.

Her smile will forever be burned into her vision.

It was a trick all along, and she's a fool for taking it at point value. Because the only reason why Bela could have been here, could have shown up on the side of the road specifically tailored to her needs and wants, at the exact moment she drove by in her shiny new Mustang, was to give her something that Ruby should have known all along she could never truly have.

A ploy to get her to drop everything and drown in none other than Bela Talbot herself, to forget that Sam Winchester even exists.

There's no proof, who needs proof? A demon wanted what she's so anxious to achieve, doubting her dedication.

The truth aches deep in Ruby, travels down perilously into parts of her she thought she only possessed when she was human and not this, not this demon, this disgrace of years of not turning back and losing sight of who she used to be. Maybe Bela wasn't even real, would have shoved her off if she had never gone to hell, but Ruby can never forget that last look they shared before the hell hounds, upon Lilith's bidding, dragged her down to the pit.

She could go back, she could get her back... she should have thought of that all along...

It won't work. You fool, you almost lost sight of your mission, you almost completely threw it away. For an illusion.

Ruby curses, feeling a white hot anger surge up within her, almost promising to smother all traces of despair and guilt and then it fades away, piece by piece, leaving the demon with all her mistakes and memories she'll be forced to carry, given the choice to let them overtake her or for her to outmaneuver them.

You still have your mission. You still have your chance. They wanted to break you but they couldn't...

And Bela... the promise doomed from the start.

I will always protect you...

The one promise she wanted to keep more than anything... a vow she failed at. A girl she never ever wanted to let go, the girl who was stolen out of her very hands.

And now she'll never get her back.

She can feel hell again, an agony worse than the real thing, the place she's mastered fighting her way through but always knew it would never be home. She didn't lie to Dean, she remembers and even misses being human, but she can never retreat to this, to live among them. She has to accept her rightful place now. She can feel hell again as she's pressed face first in the scratchy motel comforter, she can feel hell in the way her whole body tenses up and screams, the urge to tear her hair out no matter Bela's claim to have liked it, the tears pouring out of her eyes of their own volition and she can feel nothing but hell and everything but Bela.

Bel... a...

The way her name sounded when she thought it, let alone spoke it, the way it had always sounded since she first heard it, since Bela first introduced herself, the feel of her hand brushing against her shoulder... the feel of it killing her.

"I love you, Bela."

And the ashes of her Bela, the ones that were supposed to be underneath her, mashed up into her eyes and nose and torturing her with a well-deserved agony of not being able to breathe, of knowing she could move but then never moving because she could still breathe Bela in... they're not there anymore. There is nothing left but the smell of Bela intoxicating the room and on her own skin.

And if she ever told anyone her memories, who would believe them?

When Ruby makes love to Sam and curls up next to him on the nights where she needs even further release and relaxation, as she strokes back Sam's overgrown hair and smiles adoringly at him, filled with such pride and glorious thoughts of their future together, she thinks about Bela and how she loved her too, the brief time they shared, most of it just staring at her like she was a prize it was her goal to win, and the feeling she had afterward that it had truly been everything Ruby ever wanted, that maybe she would have been able to give it all away, her want to rise up and accomplish the task of molding Sam to her will and freeing Lucifer; then again, maybe she was a love-stricken fool to believe all that, because who knows if it would have worked with Bela, if she would have stuck around long enough willingly to give the two of them a try.

Maybe Ruby should have lost her hope when she lost Bela Talbot, but she didn't. Now she has hope for Sam and just a little left over for herself. And it may not feel like enough, but then she can see Bela's smile and the way she would call her 'Rubes,' the echo of it resounding in her head still, and that hope would be re-lit, that hope would be warm and welcoming as Bela had been covered in all that mud, radiating like the sun.

Bela had held her heart in her hands for that brief moment in time, and she would never forget. And she would never forgive the cruel cruel world for taking her Bela away, never to be seen again. Even when Sam's mouth latches onto her arm, lapping up her blood like an obedient puppy, like it is life itself, she thinks about her but no matter how much time is spent remembering Bela Talbot...

They can never take away her dedication.

FIN