Rest My Wicked Soul

Rating: Mature
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from All My Children.

Premise: He never wanted to break her heart, but he had… and his own in the process.

1. 1

Sitting on the edge of Ava Benton's unmade bed, Jonathan Lavery felt a bit uneasy. Outwardly, his uneasiness didn't show. It wasn't the proper reaction for a man who'd just spent the night with a hot, funny girl having passionate sex. But Ava wasn't just any girl.

Ava Benton is Lily Montgomery's older half-sister.

Lily Montgomery is Jonathan Lavery's angelic ex-wife.

Ava Benton looks just like Lily Montgomery.

Jonathan Lavery is still very much, head-over-heels, in love with Lily Montgomery… no matter how hard he declares that they are over.

Popping a piece of food into his mouth, he desperately tries to push any and all thoughts of Lily out of his head. Then he tries even harder not to compare the sisters. Pine Valley's version of the Madonna/Whore complex. He just wants to sit there and revel in the night of fun he's experienced. Ava is fun, a handful at times, but fun. The girl's an adventure, and though he's had his fair share of adventures, he couldn't deny that Ava's version of fun greatly matched his own.

Jonathan knew that Ava wasn't expecting their night to lead to anything. She wasn't expecting candy and flowers, a phone call the next day or any of the things one would do when embarking on a relationship. Jonathan knew that Ava knew this wasn't a relationship.

This was two people… having fun.

For some odd reason, one which he cannot explain, that thought leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He can't explain it, but he can feel it.

"Jonathan?" he hears and his head immediately snaps to the left to see Lily standing in the doorway. The words that promptly flow through his mind at this moment would make a sailor blush. "What are you doing in my sister's bedroom?"

Oh. Shit.

His brain decides to take a leave of absence because it promptly stops working and he's left there staring at the beautiful girl like a deer caught in headlights.

What does he say to her? How does he make her understand? He can't lie to her. Or rather, he won't lie to her. Lily's naiveté is truly beautiful and he loves that about her, but he just couldn't lie to her.

"Lily," he struggles to say and his mouth goes instantly dry. He feels like a monster. One that invades dreams and ruins them. He can't find the proper words to convey what is going on. He can't find the words to tell her anything she might need to hear, but he realizes suddenly that he doesn't have to. Lily's looking at him and the look on her face shows she already knows.

She prattled on about wanting to have breakfast with Ava as Jonathan rose from the bed. She moved across the room, avoiding eye contact with him, and Jonathan kept his distance. She didn't liked to be touched, he reminded himself. And now all he can think about is touching her.

All he can think about is making love to her the way he did with Ava. No. Not the way with Ava. Slower, softer, more passionately than with Ava. He truly loves Lily and each touch to her body, each kiss and soft murmur would be his way of expressing that to her.

They talked about how Ava being with Jonathan made her happy. Lily wanted her to be happy. But something in Lily's eyes made Jonathan's heart break. Something he couldn't quite place, but he could see it clearly.

Every word she spoke resonated in his mind. Slowly bring him to a point of realization.

"…Ava's just like me. Only normal," Lily said and Jonathan finally placed the look in her eyes.

Longing.

His heart nearly stopped when he realized that Lily wished it'd be her instead of Ava Jonathan had sex with last night. She was jealous and confused by what she was feeling. Lily's mind focused on logic instead of emotions. Emotionally she was jealous and her heart broke because of it. But logically, as she'd previously said, there was no logical reason her ex-husband and her sister couldn't be together.

Fuck logic, Jonathan had wanted to say. But his mouth actually said, "I never wanted you to find out this way, Lily."

The angelic creature smiled sheepishly at him. "Do you love Ava?"

Lily's eyes were wide and innocent, as they always were. But Jonathan found they were also searching his. Holding onto a shining glimmer of hope that he didn't love Ava but Lily instead.

He knew his eyes conveyed the truth even as he said, "It's too soon to tell."

No, I don't love Ava. I love you, Lily. I'll always love you.

Lily smiled, sadly now, and Jonathan had had all he could possibly take of this. The unspoken words between them, the words neither of them ever wanted to say - We can never be together – only seemed to break their hearts more.

He wanted to reach out and touch her. To gently pull her into his arms and caress her. To whisper against her hair that he loved her and only her. That he'd just used Ava because he couldn't have her.

Somewhere deep inside, Jonathan knew that was indeed the reason he had sex with Ava last night.

That though Ava was nothing like her, she was… normal. He could touch her and kiss her and she could kiss him back, but that his heart would always be with Lily.

"Tell my sister I came by," Lily said, bringing Jonathan out of his thoughts. She flashed him a fleeting smile before turning on her heels and leaving him alone once again.

Broken and defeated, Jonathan gathered his things and started to leave.

Then, suddenly, he dropped his things and headed to the window and waited. He heard the door closing downstairs and a second later, Lily's golden hair could be seen. She transcended the steps and turned to look up at the window. Seeing him there, she smiled again and he smiled back.

I love you, Lily. I'll always love you…

- End -