Authors Note: This story is basically so I could experience with a bit of unusual humor and at the same time write a peggy-mary-sue Harry Potter that actually has good reasons for being a mary-sue. I also wanted to write a Harry\Bellatrix that would sort of maintain Bella's personality with a good serving of humor.
Seriously don't take this story Sirius because I will not. Pun intended
This was self-beted so all mistakes are mine.
Time traveling.
There is something to be said about it on the realm of paradoxes. Mainly if you ever travel back in time, never, ever try to change the timeline; of course, this is easy to say since most time traveling methods available to wizards only allow them to travel back from a few hours to a few days and so the inherent danger of not remembering what happened doesn't occur. If you discount the possibility of an obliviation, naturally.
It is largely unknown what exactly can happen if you use a time-turner go back in time and kill yourself before you use said time-turner – discounting the sheer stupidity and suicidal tendencies that someone had to have to even attempt such a thing – but the accepted conclusion is that the universe will unravel and be destroyed, probably in a very Big Explosion – yes, it deserves capitals.
Now imagine someone – let's say eighth hundred years old – that suddenly and in very mysterious circumstances is chugged backwards in time to some when in the temporal vicinity of his birth. Now eighth hundred years is a very long time to be alive, – and perpetually stuck with his seventeen years old appearance – logically more than a few things from that far back are only half remembered, but surprisingly there are a few thing that are as clear in the mind as if they are only a few hours old.
Of course, eighth hundred years is a long time to be alive and certain common sense things like, you shall not change the past get swept to the back of the mind when an opportunity like this is presented.
I'm obviously talking about the fact that I have the opportunity to curb stomp good old Voldy in a way that I never had the capability the first time around.
Yes, my name is Harry Potter and in eighth hundred years I have forgotten more magical knowledge that Voldemort possesses in his arrogant brain. Oh, this is going to be so sweet.
First I'm going to humiliate him followed by giving him a lesson in magic he shall never forget and then I'm going to deliver his beaten and bloody – but still barely alive – corpse over to sweet Azkaban.
Screw the time line.
Oo~Time~Travel~oO
I'm still here so I suppose the universe didn't explode, implode or unraveled which means that.
Harry Potter – 1. Time Paradox – 0.
Voldemort appeared right on time to kill the young me, and I was never happier that I look so much like my father as in that moment because it allowed me to deceive him and have a few internal laughs at him.
He seemed happy at the prospect of killing me. That lasted until I started insulting his lineage, his pet snake and his sexual orientation. I'm still surprised it was the last that really got him mad. I suppose saying that he likes to procreate with goats hit a nerve or something.
It was at this point that spells started flying and a truly epic battle ensued. Well, it did from Voldemort's side because from mine it still feels like a regular Tuesday. I have to admit from a man with no nose, no balls and almost no soul there is a reason why he was considered the most powerful dark lord of his time, his skill and knowledge of magic is superb and almost flawless that for a moment I considered praising him, but then it passed and I resumed the task of crushing all of his dreams.
It was beautiful.
At some point during the lets beat the crap out of Voldemort event a platoon of aurors and Dumbledore plus some members of the Order of the Phoenix apparated into the scene, deciding that imitating a fish out of water was the new fad they proceeded to remain there open mouthed.
I think Dumbledore conjured a chair and a bowl of lemon drops but I can't be certain since I was having so much fun making Voldemort my bitch… I mean making Voldemort into a more humble person.
Yes, that is exactly what I meant.
Anyway, linguistic mistakes aside the rest went pretty much like it should. I beat the crap out of Voldemort – it was very cathartic I can tell you – and afterward I presented his still breathing corpse to the assembled aurors, which thanks to Dumbledore timely interference went without a hitch.
Presently I'm sitting in a comfy conjured chair drinking good tea with everybody present looking at me as if I grew a second head or something. Maybe my explanation broke them; I think I saw smoke come out of Sirius ears.
"So let me see if I understand," I watched as Dumbledore made a pause, if it is for dramatic purposes or if he is ordering his thoughts I didn't know, but I'm betting on the former. "You are an older Harry that came from the future for an unknown reason and when you got here you decided to engage Tom in a duel because you had nothing better to do?"
"Yes, pretty much." I don't think they appreciated my sense of humor if the looks they are direction at me are any indication. "Fine next time I'll just let him kill you all." I know I am acting petulantly but I just don't care. "I mean a guy is suddenly chugged to the past and comes face to face with the one who changed him the most, it would just be plain rude not to say hi."
Oo~Time~Travel~oO
"Die Potter." The scream originated from the lips of one Bellatrix Lestrange as she tried unsuccessful to curse her target, one Harry Potter, to oblivion.
In the beginning they had been four opponents Bellatrix, her husband, brother-in-law and Crouch Jr. They had sprung the ambush as I arrived at the apartment Dumbledore had arranged for me to live until I could either find a way to return to my time or make myself busy with something.
The brothers Lestrange and Crouch Jr. hadn't lasted long and are now pushing daisies, as for Bellatrix, well it's a lot of fun dodging, parrying and countering all the magic she is both casting at my and the surrounding environment.
I have to admit, Bellatrix is very capable with a wand, she is no Voldemort, but the raw skill is there. There is also the fact that no Azkaban for more than a decade means she is only slightly insane and very much the gorgeous woman she was at this point in time.
Let's confirm if what Narcissa said all those centuries ago bear any truth. With that in mind I proceeded to disarm and ensnare her body in rope. This was accomplished in such a natural and easy way, that professional duelists would cry in envy.
What came afterwards was a long and somewhat amusing bargain, in which Bellatrix proceeded to insult me, on which I would silence her, the silence spell would be removed after a while and the processes would repeat itself from the beginning.
Nearly three hours later an amused crowd of aurors, after they had retrieved to bodies of the three fallen Death Eaters, stood with giddy expression on their faces as the one who had defeated Voldemort continued the process of silencing and desilencing Bellatrix Lestrange. They didn't know why I'm doing that, but it must be quite something to watch as one of the most dangerous Death Eaters to serve the former Dark Lord acquire that particular shade of red every time she is silenced.
"Fine just what do you want Potter?"
"Be mine Bellatrix." The silence that sentence created was like watching the dead come to life and all of those present were thinking the same thing. 'What in the bloody hell!'
Oo~Time~Travel~oO
The result of that weird event created a shitstorm of epic proportions. Technically what created the entire mess was the fact that Bellatrix accepted the deal, after a good deal of haggling, some treats and the promise that she would be forced to take care of elderly muggles for the rest of her life if she didn't take the deal.
What I didn't know is that some centuries ago a somewhat crazy specimen of pure-blood supremacy proposed and actually saw passed a bill that stated that if a male wizard were to utter the same words that I spoke to Bellatrix and if the witch were to accept they would become married automatically with the bureaucracy needed completely bypassed.
Bottom line I'm now married to Bellatrix and the good part is that I would never get bored, because I'm completely sure my lovely wife is already planning my untimely demise.
I'm going to have so much fun crushing all of her plans.
Oo~Time~Travel~oO
Five years later.
My first year married to Bellatrix went much as I was expecting, between the ambushes, the curses thrown my way when I was supposed to be distracted, the poison in the food, the hired killers out for my blood and all those times she tried to stab me during the night, really made that a very special first year of marriage.
During the second year she stopped being so impulsive and started to really plan, they didn't bear much fruit but it was enjoyable nonetheless. Towards the end of our second year of marriage she decided to change tactics and make me lower my guard by resorting to seduction and sex, glorious amounts of sex. We finally accomplished in consummating our marriage.
It didn't work in lowering my guard but it did bear other results mostly in the form of a nine months gestation period, a birth, times filled with crazy desires and cravings by my lovely wife and various treats of castration.
Our daughter named Cassiopeia Deborah Potter has her mother's hair (thankfully) and my eyes.
Still the greatest change for me was not a child, I had been a father before, but Bellatrix change of focus from regular attempts at manslaughter to a doting mother. It caught everyone by surprise, it was especially funny to watch Sirius attempt at dealing with the reality that Bellatrix could actually be a nice person, even if it was only in regards to our daughter.
Amidst the parties, the education of pure-blood custom's to Cassiopeia, and living the life of a wealth pure-blood wife Bellatrix continued to change. The attempts on my life became more of a private joke amongst us, even if they never really stopped. Nowadays it's more of a something to keep the trend and so without that for distraction, Bella started to channel more and more effort to seduction, to my complete approval.
The end result is our second born, a boy by the name of Orion Rigel Potter. Clearly my lovely wife is preserving the ancient tradition of the Black family to name everyone by constellations and stars.
By this point I had already discovered what happened that threw me on a voyage to this time, but I am frankly having too much fun with this situation and what kind of man would I be if I abandoned my wife and kids.
So I will stick around for a while, who knows, maybe Bella want's to try for a third child.
Fin.