Title: I don't hear a sound, here on the ground
Rating: K+/T
Characters/Pairings: Jacob/Bella
Summary: Breaking Bella's heart hurt, it hurt really bad. Jacob's POV.
Disclaimer: All the creation of Stephenie Meyer, aren't we lucky that she is so kind enough to allow us to play with them? If not for that I'd be having a damn, dull day at work.
--
"Good job kid." Paul said taking a swig of milk out of my carton out of my fridge. The act only made me angrier when coupled with his words.
Good job? I found myself hating him, hating him more than I could even put into words. It wasn't fair that I'd just…
Everything caught in the space behind my heart. I could still see Bella's face in my head and it hurt so much to know what I'd done to her. I was no better than that disgusting, reeking, bloodsucker.
"Yeah," Jared patted me on the back, "You did good."
I felt myself trembling with anger as I watched them, all of them: Embry, Jared, Paul, and Sam linger around my kitchen looking pleased with me. Well, except for Sam, sometimes I thought he only had one facial expression. Behind me was Billy, and I found myself hating him too. Why would he let me do this? How could he let me do something so horrible?
"Let's get something to eat." Paul said, "Emily cooking up anything good?" He directed this question at Sam.
"Yeah," Embry agreed, "I'm starved."
"Food!" My voice cracked as I yelled, the anger coursing through my entire body like a drug. I felt the fury everywhere, I couldn't run from it. I was so angry. "What is wrong with you?"
"Chill." Paul practically snorted.
And I thought the comment was pretty rich coming from a guy who was ready to pounce on someone for saying he looked like a Pomeranian.
"We're just hungry, man." Paul added
"Relax, Jacob." Sam said quietly.
"No." I said, "How can I? Do you even care what I just did? Or are you too busy enjoying yourselves?" The bitterness was eating away at me, and I thought about how I'd just completely devastated the only person in the world who could probably make it go away. "Not that any of you could care, or even know what its like but I just shattered her. Do you know what its like to hurt someone like that? To just completely break someone who loves you?"
No, no they didn't. None of them knew how I was feeling.
I was shaking so hard I could barely stand it. I tried to relax. I needed to, I knew that if I didn't calm down…it would be inevitable.
"Jake," Billy's voice only served to make me angrier.
Even if none of my so called friends cared about what I was doing to Bella, shouldn't he? I mean, what was Charlie going to say when he came home and found Bella as bad off as she was when that leech broke her down…I was no better than him. What…Oh, Bella…I felt my heart begin to race as I thought of the condition that she was in. How breakable she was.
Bella needed me. Me! And I was pushing her away!
"You don't even care either!" I yelled at him, "You used to like Bella, dad. Remember that? You're the one who told me to be careful because she was so fragile…do you know what I just did to her? She begged me to not leave her alone…she begged me and all of you…you just don't give a care. I mean, really?"
"Jacob, its not like that." Billy's voice was calm and I hated it. Since when could I yell at my dad and not have him say anything to me. I wanted my life back!
More than that, I wanted Bella back.
"Bella will be okay." Billy told me. "She's stronger than you or Charlie give her credit for."
I almost laughed. I knew she was strong, I knew that. But one person could only take so much. If I was struggling so much, and I was the one who did all this…how could I expect Bella…
No.
I broke into a run, running as fast as I could from the house. On the porch steps, I morphed and I ran even faster. If I could get to Bella's house before Sam told me to stop…
I ran and ran and ran, and as I crossed the line between La Push and Forks, I thought I could do it. I pushed myself harder than I had ever pushed myself before. Maybe I could do it. Maybe…
Trees were flying past my vision as I looked down at the street below and then…I saw her. I saw it. The antique red pickup truck. The truck she loved, the truck that I built nearly from scratch for her.
Before I could morph, I heard Sam's voice in my head.
Return home. Now.
I howled in frustration and buried my head in my paws wishing I could just curl up right there and die. Why? Why? WHY?
When I could bring myself to move again I let off a string of obscenities in my mind. I hoped that a fridge fell on Paul. I hoped Embry was happy with his new friends because I wasn't going to speak to him ever again. I walked with a tired gait through the woods because even though I had to return home I'd be damned if he would control how long it would take me…I would take my time.
At the very least, I knew that Bella was okay for the minute.
I let out another long string of obscenities, cursing Sam for the most part and hoping he did something really stupid. Something in Forks, something that would have Chief Swan locking him up in a dingy cell for months. I cursed my dad, I hoped that Bella told her dad what happened word for word and maybe he'd shoot me, and then toss Billy in a cell and never talk to him ever again. It was no less than any of us deserved, especially me.
Right now I couldn't help but to agree with Bella. I hated Sam… I hated them all.
--
"Jacob." Billy's voice was tentative as he spoke through my door. "Jacob, dinner is ready."
I buried my head under my pillow but it didn't make his voice go away. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone, was that so much to ask for?
"Jacob, come and eat, please?" Billy pleaded.
I'd barely spoken to him since I stopped talking to Bella. As a matter of fact, I didn't really feel like talking to anyone…except her. I just wanted her to figure it all out, she knew and…she didn't even realize it. All I could do was hope that soon she'd remember the stories I told her…aside from the stories about the damn leeches.
"Not. Hungry." I yelled through the door. "Go away and leave me alone."
I didn't really care that even to my own ears I sounded like a bratty, petulant, child. As a matter of fact, I didn't even care if he finally would have it with me and exert some parental authority…I'd welcome it. This new system of not punishing whatever I chose to do…I didn't like it.
Billy had never been strict with me, but I'd always had to respect him, and I did. I loved my dad, he was the only parent I had, and I trusted him. I trusted him to do what was right for me.
"Jacob." Billy didn't go away.
I groaned into my pillow. I was starving but I'd get something when he went to bed.
"Jacob, you were running around all night last night and you haven't eaten anything today."
Not true, when I walked in around four I'd devoured the box of powered doughnuts I had been picked up at the café before this entire disaster happened. I had figured that Bella and I could have some sort of picnic on the beach…and then my entire life was snatched away.
"Jacob!" Billy's voice rose, his knuckles rapping on my door, and I almost smiled with satisfaction. The indifference toward my attitude had been exhausting. "This is not good for you!"
I felt a sharp twitch of anger, anger was always eating away at me these days. Sometimes it felt like I only had anger to keep me going. The anger had me leaping from my bed and wrenching the door open.
"Good for me?" I couldn't keep the tone of angry incredulity out of my voice. "What the hell is that supposed to mean, dad? Its not about what's good for me anymore, is it?" I felt my face harden. "Its about what's good for the tribe, right?"
I didn't need a reply, I didn't want one. It was just a fact.
"Cam down Jacob." Billy's voice was quiet. "You know that's not true anyways. You're angry."
"Really?" I lashed out sarcastically. "I'm angry? I can't imagine why, can you? Its bad enough that my entire life is gone just because I've got some family mutated genetics, and that I have to deal with this-but Bella? No one else had to give up their best friend because of this." No one else, I thought, had to give up on the girl they loved.
"I'm sorry Jacob."
"Sorry?" My tone had reached a low growl. "I didn't want you to be sorry, dad, I wanted you to back me up. I didn't want my father to agree with Sam."
I narrowed my eyes. "Besides, I guess it was a lot when I figured out that you don't even like Bella, or at least that you-"
"Jacob!" Billy's voice rose a few sharp octaves. "You know that's not true."
"Okay, you want to know what's true, dad?" I didn't even care if he told Sam. What was the worst that would happen to me? Take away my ability to wolf out…I wished. A few extra loops around the forest. Whatever. "I went to go and see Bella yesterday night. I snuck though her bedroom window since I figured that after yesterday, if Charlie saw me he'd shoot me…and guess what? She looked terrible. Do you realize how badly I hurt her? I promised to be there for her…not to desert her like that leech did and I outright hurt her."
"I'm sorry." Billy repeated.
I could have snapped from the anger coursing through me.
"Stop telling me your sorry. I don't want you to be sorry, I wanted you to stand up and make it so that I could have at least one thing if I had to lose everything else." I felt something claw at my heart. "Just Bella. I could have put up with all this if I could have had her."
Billy didn't say anything, and so I barreled on.
"And I really hope she figures out what's happened. Not just for my sake either." I retorted, "She knows all the stories. You know how I thought they were just a bunch of stupid crazy legends…so who knows, maybe she'll figure it out in the end."
Billy sighed, "Jacob, you shouldn't have done that."
"Well, you shouldn't have let me live my life if it was just going to be snatched away anyways!" I yelled. "I hate you. I-I honest to god, hate you."
I pushed past him, not bothering with shoes or a shirt, or anything. I didn't think I'd be needing them.