Deanna was walking to her Creative writing class when she saw her and her face fell as fast as it had lit up. The beautiful redheaded angel that had been running through her mind the past week was strolling hand in hand with a tall handsome man Deanna recognized as one of Cassie's friends.
Deanna wasn't one to let things get to her though. She walked over to the couple and was a little unsettled by Anna's reaction to the blonde woman approaching her. There was a flash of annoyance before Anna plastered a fake smile on her face.
"Hey, Anna," Deanna greeted her awkwardly starting to wonder why she walked over in the first place.
"Deanna," Anna nodded her head at her clearly uncomfortable which really pissed Deanna off. She knew running into someone you had slept with was awkward, but Anna was acting like she didn't even want to acknowledge Deanna.
Now, Deanna was fully aware with her luck in relationships and her commitment issue, with her long history of a string of hookups and one night stands hardly ever bothering to remember any of the girls' names. But she had thought Anna was different. Even though Deanna had picked her up the way she picked nearly everyone up, at a club, she had felt a spark and foolishly thought Anna had felt it too. They had talked the whole night (well, not the whole night) and there was a connection there, Deanna had been sure of it. But she had been clearly mistaken. If waking up in her bed alone again wasn't enough to go buy, Anna avoiding her gaze while intimately holding some guy's hand was a vivid neon blinking sign.
The man looked at Deanna curiously, "Anna, darling who is this?"
Anna looked up at him attentively, "Just a friend, Uriel."
Deanna scoffed at that. She understood if Anna didn't want to see her again, Deanna knew she wasn't the type of girl you wrote home about. She got that and there was no hard feelings. But pretending they had never been together? Friends? No, that wasn't cool and Deanna felt insulted. She wasn't going to be anyone's dirty little secret.
"Oh, I don't know if friend is the appropriate word, Uriel," Deanna smirked at Anna, though she talked to Uriel, "I think were a bit more acquainted than that. Wouldn't you agree, darling?" Deanna kept the grin on her face as Anna glared daggers at her.
Uriel looked between the two women in confusion, "What is she talking about, Anna?"
"Nothing," Anna said quickly.
"Nothing? You call a long sweaty orgasm filled night in my apartment nothing? Or are you referring to shamelessly leaving me to wake up alone?"
Anna's eyes had a fierce look in them as Deanna mentioned their one night stand, but Deanna did see the hint of guilt in them when she asked the last question. She said nothing, though.
Uriel looked at Anna in shock before Anna reassured him, "It was before we got together. Don't worry about it."
Deanna was done with mortifying Anna in her childish revenge. "Well, it was nice seeing you again, Anna, but I have to get to class," she spoke through a sarcastic smile and walked away from the couple. Deanna didn't get very far, though, before she heard the conversation.
"I believe you, Anna. But did you really just leave her in the morning after without a word? Even I don't do that."
Anna sighed, "She was just an experiment, Uriel. Nothing more."
Uriel laughed at that, "What? The old experimenting in college thing?"
"Had to know what I was into. I've learned I'm completely heterosexual."
Deanna tried to walk faster to get farther away from the laughing that followed Anna's words. But instead of going towards the English building, Deanna turned in the direction of her apartment where she knew there was a bottle of Jack Daniels in her cuppard.
"I figured if anyone knew what happened to her it would be you, Cassie," Mary Winchester's worried voice rang through the phone.
"I'm sorry, , but I don't," Cassie replied sadly as distraught as her best friend's mother was.
Mary sighed heavily, "Don't worry about it, Cassie. And I told you to call me Mary."
"Right, sorry, Mary. Don't worry, though. Sam and I are going over to her apartment today to see if she'll answer. I hadn't noticed something was wrong with her since I've been caught up in my studies. You must think that's horrible of me."
Cassie heard Mary switch her tone to something she could only compare to a mother trying to teach her child something, "Cassie, daring, being involved in school is very important and nothing to look down upon. It's the end of the semester, of course you would be more focused on school than the people around you. Are you sure it's not too much of a bother, though? You must have finals coming up. Deanna's a big girl she can take care of herself."
Mary had asked, but she already anticipated the reply before Cassie said, "I don't mind ,Mrs. Winchester. Deanna's very important to me, too."
Mary sighed heavily again, "Mary."
Cassie rolled her eyes, "Goodbye, Mary. I'll call you after I check on Deanna."
After ending the call, Cassie dropped her rarely used phone into her trench coat and started for Deanna's apartment. She had been concerned over Deanna before Mary had even called. Deanna hadn't talked to her in over a week, but she figured like her, Deanna was just focusing on last minute papers before the term ended. Which turned out to not be the case when a very worried little brother showed up at her door the night before. She frowned remembering the conversation.
Sam's face looked stressed and his brow creased with worry as Cassie answered the door. It frightened Cassie. She'd never seen Sam so on edge before. She offered him a cup of coffee and motioned for him to sit on the couch.
The overgrown twenty one year old looked ridiculous drinking from Cassie's white little coffee mug taking up half of a couch made for three people. Cassie would have teased him about it, but his face and tone told her something was seriously wrong, so she held in her laughter.
"Sam, would you stop shaking your knee and tell me what is wrong?"
Sam made an effort to stop acting so tense and looked at her, "It's Deanna."
Cassie felt her heart stop, "What? What about her? Is she okay?"
Sam tore away from Cassie's intense stare, thinking he may have been overreacting and was panicking Cassie over nothing. He just didn't know who else to go to. Out of all Deanna's friends, Cassie was definitely the one he liked the most. She was the first person he thought of to go to. Since she came into Deanna's life Deanna seemed happier. Sam thought Cassie was a good influence on his big sister. Though Deanna would never admit it, he was pretty sure she was in love with the small blue eyed girl in front of him. And with the way Cassie looked at Deanna like she hung the damn moon in the sky, the feelings were mutual. Only if the girls could get their heads out of their asses long enough to do anything about it.
"One of her professors cornered me in the hall today. Professor Barnes. That woman is really intimidating. She told me that Deanna hasn't showed up to her class in over a week and said to pass along the warning that she doesn't tolerate that kind of apathy in her students. So, I figured that Deanna was just blowing off class and tried to call her to tell her to get her shit straightened out. But she never picked up the phone She's always been really good about answering when I call. I must've called her at least twenty times. Never answered. So, I decided to do some research and went to her other teachers. They all said the same thing as Professor Barnes. Deanna hasn't been to any of her classes for the past week."
Cassie tried to keep a calm, but felt something churning in her stomach. That wasn't like Deanna. She might not go to the occasional class, but not for a straight week, and she wouldn't let Sam worry like that, she'd pick up the phone. "Did you try her apartment?"
Sam exhaled with his head in his hands, "Yes, banged on the door for nearly an hour and came back and tried again a few hours later. She wouldn't answer. But she has to be there. Impala's parked in the lot. God knows she'd never travel far without it."
Cassie stared at him, becoming really worried and feeling horrible. She should have known something was wrong and checked on Deanna instead of studying.
"I don't know what's wrong with her, Sam. We haven't spoken in a week. I thought...," Cassie trailed off and glanced at her desk where her unfinished theology paper lay. It was due tomorrow, but if something really was wrong with Deanna..
Sam followed her eyes and saw where her thoughts were going. He hadn't considered the fact that it was nearing finals week. Cassie didn't to be worried over his troubled sister. He regretted coming. It was probably just the same old shit that Deanna always broke over. He was probably just overreacting. But she was his sister and he couldn't help worrying over her.
"Look, uh Cassie, it's probably nothing. I'm sorry for bothering you. Don't worry about it," he stopped when he saw the look that Cassie was giving him telling she was not going to just not worry. He compromised trying to get Cassie to just finish her work for the night, because he knew it would kill Deanna if Cassie chose her over school. "Okay, we can go over there and try again tomorrow after your classes are over if you're still worried? Cuz you have papers due don't you?"
Cassie looked defeated but agreed her eyes traveling back to her desk, "Okay. But it's really late, Sam. Just take my guest room for the night."
Sam laughed, "Oh, no, that wouldn't be a good idea. I can survive the walk back to my dorm." He didn't even want to imagine Deanna's reaction to him sleeping over at Cassie's. Even though she wasn't open about her feelings about Cassie, she wouldn't be able to hide her hurt if she thought something happened between him and Cassie.
Cassie didn't seem to understand that, though, as she looked at him with a questioning gaze and tilting her head in confusion. "I don't understand why that wouldn't be a good idea."
Sam chuckled. He thought to himself that the girls could be really oblivious to each other's feeling for one another. "Yeah, I know you don't. Goodnight, Cassie."
"Goodnight, Sam," she called as the front door clicked behind him.
She was pulling up to Deanna's apartment building when her phone rang.
"Hello, Sam," she answered.
"Cassie," Sam sounded distressed, "Are you at Deanna's?"
"Yes, are you on your way as well?"
"My car broke down. I know I told you I'd meet you there, but..."
"It's okay, Sam. I can handle Deanna."
Sam laughed and Cassie wondered why that was funny, "If anyone else said that, I'd tell them they were an idiot. Let me know how it goes. I'll talk to you later, Cassie."
Cassie stared at the phone after Sam hung up. He always seemed to know something she didn't and always left her wondering. Well, another time she'd have to ask, she thought, getting out of her car.
When she finally reached Deanna's door, it was clear Deanna was in there. Rock n' Roll music was blaring loudly from inside. She knocked on the door, but worried if she could even be heard over the mullet music. She tried louder and noticed the music was turned down a few decibels but there was no other response from the other side of the door.
"Deanna! It's Cassie! Please let me talk to you! We're all very worried about you!" Cassie yelled at the door.
This time the music was turned almost completely off with just a low sound humming through the door. Cassie tried again, "Deanna -"
The door swung open and Cassie barley caught a glimpse of Deanna before she turned back into her apartment. Cassie followed her in taking that as an invitation.
Cassie was horrified at the state of the department. The smell of alcohol was very strong and the whole complex was covered in empty beer bottles. But what really alerted Cassie that something was seriously wrong with Deanna was the chaos that the beer bottles were scattered across. Plates were shattered on the floor, imprints of fists were in the walls, feathers were in the carpet like a pillow had been destroyed, beer stains on the walls as if beer bottles had been thrown at them accompanied with more broken glass on the floor, pictures frames were tilted, furniture was turned upside down, even the curtains look like they were torn at in anger. The scene was really frightening.
Cassie turned to the way Deanna had gone. She found her slumped into her couch a whiskey flask clutched tightly in her hand and she was staring forward at the black TV screen. Cassie's jaw dropped at the sight of Deanna, which was way more frightening than the woman's apartment. Deanna's long blonde hair was a mess full with tangles that hadn't been brushed in days, her mascara ran down her cheeks like she'd been crying, she only wore an old AC/DC shirt and boy shorts and they were wrinkled. Then, Deanna's hands were carelessly wrapped with blood stained white gauze, which Cassie assumed was the aftermath of punching the walls. Deanna was barefoot despite the broken glass strewn across the apartment and her feet were covered in small cuts, but Deanna didn't seem to care since they were unattended.
Cassie rushed over to her and knelt in front of her, bringing her hand to Deanna's face and brushing her hair out of it. Deanna turned her head away, refusing to meet Cassie's gaze.
"Deanna? What happened?" Cassie tried to keep her voice from breaking, but Deanna's state scared the shit out of her. She'd never seen her best friend so upset in all of the four years she had known her. Which was saying something. When she met her, Deanna had been in a bad place; drinking her nights away, working at her uncle's auto shop, sleeping with random strangers, self loathing, and just about to throw her life away. Cassie felt like she had somehow saved Deanna from herself. Cassie met her when her car broke down and Deanna had came to tow it and they had became friends. Deanna had just gone along with it never having many friends, she never expected to still be friends years later. Cassie had forced her to get her act together. She had stopped drinking so excessively and Cassie had even managed to drag her off to college with her.
Deanna didn't answer her question, "Cas, what the hell are you doing here?" She turned back to her and her eyes were dead and Cassie didn't feel the usual warmth she had associated with the candy apple green eyes. It was like Deanna had broken.
Cassie was taken aback by the harsh tone, but recovered quickly. Someone needed to be in control and Deanna obviously wasn't, so Cassie would have to be. She couldn't let her friend's cold words get to her. She knew Deanna didn't really mean them.
"Because I'm worried about you. You haven't gone to class in a week, you won't answer Sam's or your mother's calls, your apartment is covered in alcohol. Something is obviously wrong, Deanna. What is it? I can help you."
Deanna laughed darkly at her, "You can't help me, Cas."
"Why?"
"Because it's not something you can fix with sweet words."
"What is it, Deanna?"
Deanna turned away from her again, getting up from the couch and walking to the kitchen. Cassie followed behind her.
Deanna grabbed a beer from the fridge, her flask now empty. She ignored Cassie's presence and skillfully opened the bottle with a knife. She lifted it to her lips, but before she could take a drink, Cassie grabbed the bottle and threw it at the floor, not really caring since the floor was already covered.
That sparked something in Deanna, "What the hell!?"
Cassie invaded her space, "You can't drink away your problems, Deanna!"
"Well, I can sure as hell try!" Deanna yelled back and stalked away back to the den. Cassie was tired of trying the gentle approach, she wasn't going to get through to Deanna that way.
"Deanna! Don't just walk away from me, I'm trying to help you!"
Deanna stopped in her tracks but didn't turn to face her, "I'm just so fucking tired, Cas," she whispered so low Cassie wasn't sure she heard her right.
"Tired of what?"
Deanna finally looked at her, "Tired of being used. Tired of feeling dirty. I'm sick of all these fucking one night stands and meaningless hookups. I just want something more. I try, but I never get it and I never will."
"Don't say that, Deanna. You'll find it, you just have to have -"
"What? Faith? Fuck that, Cas. No, I'm sick of hoping. All these people just see me as a nice night, a fun time, a fucking experiment. You're so naive, ya know? You think there's good in everyone. You think God's plan is for the best, Well, you know what his plan is for me? To show these women, what not to look for in a relationship, a sign to get you're shit together if you're with me. And you know what? Good. I ain't worth anything. I just fail every godforsaken thing I care about. And everyone knows that I'm poison. They all realize it at some point. S'why I always wake up alone, there's no point in staying after you use me. It's all I'm good for. Sex."
"Deanna," Cassie stared at her helplessly. When did she spiral down so low? "Well, maybe you're looking in the wrong place. Women getting picked up at bars can't be looking for love."
By Deanna's face she knew she shouldn't have said that. "Well, Cas, please enlighten me. Where am I supposed to find a good woman who happens to also be into women? You don't know what it's like. When you're heterosexual, you can just assume everyone is too, and it's usually right. Sure, the occasional gay guy will turn you down, but he won't look at you like you're a freak for being heterosexual. I can't just meet someone and fall in love with her and the whole time she's just thinking were really good friends and I have to walk in on her with her boyfriend. Since I'm a girl, it's creepy and perverted, and I shouldn't have thought she liked me like that. Then, it's awkward for her and I should find a new roommate. The gay bars? Yeah, they're the only place I know there are other lesbians for sure and I know I won't be judged fro being gay. Cuz they're all gay, too."
Cassie looked sadly at her, knowing that that wasn't hypothetical, remembering Deanna being thrown on the streets because her feelings for her roommate were so unwelcome.
''So, you're just going to give up? Drink yourself to death?"
"Not like anyone would truly be torn up about it."
Cassie was enraged, "Are you fucking kidding me, Deanna!?"
Deanna stared at her startled. Cassie didn't usually curse. "I have plenty of mornings waking up alone to prove that."
"So, you think that just because of the frisky women you sleep with don't stick around, no one loves you? That's bullshit and you know it. You deserve better than someone who will let you get into their pants because you bought them a few drinks. You have better than that. Are you fucking blind?"
"Yeah, who? My parents? Sam? You? Cas, you don't understand. There's something different from someone loving you because of obligation. They're my family, they're supposed to love me. But no one's ever chosen to love me."
Cassie scoffed, "Obligation? You think I love you out of obligation?"
"Okay, well, still I need more than that, Cas. I'm sorry. I know that's selfish. But I need someone romantically. You don't look for so much in a friend. But in a partner? You have to love everything, you have to stick around. I just want that."
Deanna turned her back on Cassie, seeing the conversation as done. But Cassie was no where near finished.
"Deanna, you're an idiot!"
Deanna swirled around, "What?"
"Four years! Four fucking years! I've been with you. I tried to save you from yourself, when people told me you were far from saving. But I didn't listen," Cassie took a step forward, "Because they were wrong. You could be saved. You just had to have someone to lean on for once. Everyone expects so much from you. Your mother worked the nighttime shifts as a nurse. Your father was off in rehab. You had to raise Sam, because no one else was around. Your father wasn't there. Your mother had to lean on you. But who did you get to lean on? No one. So, when you needed help you couldn't turn to anyone because that's not you. You don't ask for help. But I cared about you. I saw something in you when we met. Your soul was so bright hidden under your rough exterior. I wanted to save you. And I thought I actually did. But apparently I did nothing. Because you don't think you deserved to be saved!"
Deanna stared her mouth dropping slightly, "Cas -"
"You idiot," Cassie closed the distance and pressed her lips bruising to Deanna's. Deanna was still, frozen in shock, but she finally gained controlled of herself and kissed Cassie back with as much passion. Deanna felt so much more in that one kiss than she had ever felt in any of her best hookups. She thought it was because she actually loved Cassie. She always had, but she pushed those feelings down deep and ignored them. Cassie was the best thing to ever happen to her and she didn't want to screw it up and taint it. Might be why she tried to find something in sex with people she didn't even care about.
Cassie's tongue danced around Deanna's lips begging for entrance, which Deanna gave her. Cassie moaned into her mouth and made Deanna kiss her even deep. Deanna wrapped an arm around Cassie's waist and pulled her closer and ran her other hand through her hair. Cassie started to nibble on Deanna's bottom lip and Deanna made a pleasured noise, which Cassie wanted to reproduce and she pressed up against Deanna harder and sucked on her lip more tenderly as she tasted Deanna on her tongue.
Deanna seemed to remember the situation, when her hand winced in pain and she pulled away. She gazed into Cassie's eyes and saw nothing but love, but she had to make sure. "Cas, you're not doing this just because I seemed on the edge of a breakdown, right?"
Cassie raised her eyebrows, "Edge? You already jumped off the cliff. No, I'm not. I love you, Deanna."
Deanna wasn't really good with words, so she just leaned back in to brush her lips against Cassie's. Cassie responded, but remembered why they had stopped before.
"Deanna, give me your hands."
Deanna removed her hands from Cassie, unwillingly. Cassie unwound the gauze shaking her head. "I'm almost certain you have at least sprained both of your hands, if not broken them"
Deanna shrugged unbothered, "I'm fine."
"Yeah, right. I'm taking you to the hospital."
"Cas, no. Just, let's just stay here. Take me tomorrow."
"Deanna," Cassie sighed.
"Cas, please?"
"Go try and clean yourself up. I'll pick up around here while you're in the shower."
"Cas, you don't have to do that. I'll get it."
"I'm more capable. Your hands are injured and your feet are no better. You should be lying down."
Deanna smiled at her, "Only if you lie with me."
"I'm not sleeping with you tonight, Deanna," Cassie warned her.
"Not sex, just sleep with me."
"Okay."
While Deanna scrubbed the whiskey out of her pores, Cassie tried to sweep up all the broken glass and collect all the beer bottles. There was just so much. She would never let Deanna get like this again. Another few days and she really would have died from alcohol poisoning. She went to the fridge and dragged out all the beer and found all the whiskey and tequila bottles hidden around the apartment and placed them on the counter. She then poured all of the contents down the sink. She was almost finished when Deanna walked out of the bathroom, face clean, hair brushed, and a fresh t shirt. She looked at Cassie, but didn't comment, knowing it was for the best.
Cassie held her in bed that night. But Deanna wouldn't fall to sleep and to Cassie it looked like she was struggling to stay awake.
"Deanna, do you want me to sing you to sleep?"
Deanna gazed into her eyes intently, "Cas, you'll be here in the morning, won't you?"
Cassie now understood why Deanna refused to go to sleep and smiled sweetly down at her, "Always, Deanna. I won't leave you."
Deanna seemed satisfied with the answer and snuggled back into Cassie's warm embrace. And without a doubt, she woke up in the same loving arms that she fell asleep in.