Author: Celeste
Rating: PG-13 (yaoi themes)
Pairing: Naruto/Neji (one-sided) Naruto/Sasuke mentions
Spoilers: Naruto anime up through episode 62.
Summary: Neji reflects on how everything in life is predestined.
Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine! *throws a tantrum* I want them to be mine!
Dedication: This is Prism's gift fic!! I know she loves Naruto/Neji and Naruto/Sasuke so I didn't know what to do! This was all I could come up with. *sweatdrop* Well…hope it's not too bad. Merry X-mas, Prism!!!!
A/N: I could be way off on whatever happens in the future of these guys, but I figure why not? It could happen, right? Anyway, apologies for the OOCness. I'm really not good at characterization anyway. If you switched around a bunch of the names I'd bet this would look the same as a Sasuke-POV instead of a Neji-POV. I think I just need to stop the POV all together and write something real. *sweatdrop* Sorry again, Pris!
Distribution: Ask Pris, I guess? Or I'll ask her. Whichever. ^_^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He told me a long time ago…
…when we were both children.
We were both young, a little stupid, when he told me.
It's funny. I still try to figure out which one of us was the stupider sometimes.
Was it him, with his loudmouthed beliefs, his beliefs that if he wanted something hard enough, if he wished for it and worked for it, that no matter what, he would someday have it? That he could shape the world with his own two hands so long as he believed he could? I sometimes think it was always him, that he was always the stupider, just for that.
But then again, sometimes I think it was me.
More often than other times, I think I'm the stupider. Nowadays, I usually think I was the stupidest for believing whatever he told me after our fight, for foolishly, blindly following his words because he was magnificent when he said them. For believing him because he was beautiful when he said them.
He told me a long time ago…
…when we were both young, slightly stupid children…
…that…
…you make your own fate.
That's what he told me.
I believed him. The way he said it, how could any one not believe him? After he told me that, all I could do was believe him.
You see, I used to think that you couldn't change anything. I used to really believe that things are the way they are and that you are powerless to stop them. All you can do, all you have control over, is how you face them. But no matter what, they will come, eventually.
He told me otherwise. He told me that you make your own fate. That everything in this life is within the reach of your own two hands if you fight for it, if you work for it.
He told me that, back then. When we were children.
I believed him for many, many years.
So when he became Hokage, it was only natural. When he became the youngest to ever attain that title, it wasn't a surprise to those of us who knew him. It was the result of his determination, the very same one he was always going on about, the one that lied behind his curtain of big talk and flippant arrogance. He shaped his own destiny because his will was strong enough, was resilient enough to do just that.
You control your own fate.
Those were his words.
And I believed him. I believed him, in him, so much that it made my heart hurt, like it would sprout wings and tear out of my chest and fly away. That's how much he made me believe…
…in him…
…and his words.
But…
…he was wrong, you know.
It's kind of funny, that it took me so long to realize.
It took me all these years, these decades, to finally realize that he was wrong. My Hokage was wrong.
He was absolutely, completely, wrong.
You don't control your own fate. I was right all along, back when I was a child. I was right that you have no power over anything, that your destiny is chosen for you by some divinity or another long before you are even born.
I knew back then, back when he and I were still just children. But then he came along and defeated me, defeated everything I thought I knew, and changed everything. He made me believe in something…
…that was wrong.
But the truth is…the real truth is…
…I never had control of my life. I never, ever had my own fate in my hands, even when I thought I did. Even when I lived like I did.
There was always some greater plan, a decision made for me long before I even existed by those gods or goddesses of creation in their palaces amongst the heavens. My fate, like everyone else's, was written beforehand in the tapestry of the divine and all I could do was follow the road chosen for me.
It goes against everything he ever told me to believe. It goes against my very belief in him. But at the same time, ironically, it is because of him that I now know the truth. It's because of him that I know that none of this is in my own hands.
I have never been in control of my own fate.
How do I know for sure? One would think, one would think that it's impossible to know for sure. But I do. I do because…
…from the moment he looked at me with those eyes of his, those eyes full of determination and pride, full of passionate, beautiful fire…
…from the moment he said those words to me, held out his hand to me and told me those things…
…my fate was sealed.
From that moment, that very second in time, my life was set on an absolute course, on a path from which I could not veer, no matter how much I might have tried.
From the moment I looked into his eyes and heard his words…
…this life…
…this fate…
…it wasn't mine any more.
Whether he knew it or not… whether I knew it or not…
… my fate was his.
All of me…
…belonged to him.
From that moment onward, I was unquestionably, irrevocably…
..his.
I would have done anything for him. Anything he would have asked of me, I would have done for him. Anything he would have needed…
…I would have given to him.
To the best of my ability.
Whatever he needed, wanted, wished… I would have done it. I would have fought, and bled, and died for whatever he wanted.
All he had to do was look at me with those eyes, and ask of me with those words…
…and it all would have been his. Without hesitation. Without a second thought. It would all have been his.
It all has been.
For many, many years.
Not just because I believe in him. Not just because he changed everything about my life, because he gave me a sense of empowerment. Not because when I look at him, when I listen to him, my heart swells in my chest, full of hope and awe. Not just because of those things, though they're a part of it.
They're a part of the reason…
…but not all of it. Not the most important part.
The most important reason is of a completely different nature. It's not out of any awe or inspiration he's given me, though initially, that was what it began with. It started with that, and over the years, over the years I've known him, it has grown into something else.
The funny thing is, he's never noticed it. Not even once, I don't think, has he ever. Not even for a second has he suspected the real reason behind my absolute devotion to him.
It is not just because he is my village's Hokage that would I pledge my life, my future, my entire being, to his will.
It is not because we have been friends for a long, long time, either.
But for a completely different reason, a more important one.
It's funny that he's never noticed. Funny that whenever I see him, he still asks me if I will stop being so picky. He wants me to find a nice girl to marry and have many children with who will be able to live without bearing the same mark upon their head that their father does.
He likes to ask me that. To tease me a little, about the fact that over the years, many women have fallen in love with me and each time I have dutifully refused them all until they eventually gave up all together.
He wonders why someone so handsome and talented and kind is alone. He asks me that sometimes, and it is because he truly does not know.
The Hokage's lover knows, of course. He is very perceptive, and very watchful of the Hokage. I feel the other man's eyes bore into me whenever I get too close, whenever he feels that I have move myself too much into the space of his most precious person.
I think, the Hokage's lover would have challenged me long ago to cease my attentions if he did not know for a fact that I was no threat to him. I think he would have done that, if he did not know that the Hokage loves him completely, blindly, and sees no one else. And never will.
I always believed that if the Hokage were to love, it would be like that.
Blinding…
…devoted…
…complete…
…unyielding.
I always believed that if Naruto were to love, it would be like that.
It would be that complete, that unbreakable, such that to even see other possibilities was in itself, impossible.
If Naruto loved someone, I knew. I knew it would be…
…just like how I love him.
And it is.
He loves Sasuke very much.
He loves Sasuke in the exact same way that I love him.
It's ironic, isn't it?
That devotion, that fierce, all encompassing loyalty…
…I love those things about him.
But at the same time, it is those very things, those very reasons, why he has never noticed me.
He's never noticed me beyond our friendship.
And I know that he never will.
Hinata-sama has talked to me about it, in her shy, awkward manner. She has tried to help me get over it, tried to tell me in her own sweet way that I should accept that Naruto does not love me and that our friendship is truly enough. She has tried to help me find someone else, for a long time now. Someone who can love me back the same way I love him. Like she had to do.
But she doesn't quite understand, I think.
It's not something I can just forget. That I can turn around and tell myself there's no possibility and have that be it. I know there's no possibility. I know.
But it's not something in my control.
It hasn't been for many, many years.
Since that day I saw his eyes and heard his words tell me…
…that we make our own fate.
That's funny also, isn't it? How the moment he told me those words he took that exact thing from me, that control he made me believe belonged to everyone.
But I guess he didn't know then. He still doesn't know now.
That he was wrong.
Our fate is predetermined, destined. It is a path chosen for us long before we are born by some higher power. Each part of our life, each decision we make and action we take, is part of a larger picture, one that has been chosen for us already, written for us already.
At first, I had thought mine was this seal, this family seal emblazoned upon my forehead that chooses for me, how to live and when to die.
What to die for.
Now I know better.
My fate has always been…
…him.
I will do anything for him. I will fight for him, bleed for him…
…die for him.
I guess that's why I'm here, right now. I guess that's why I'm here, where I fought for him, lying on this floor, where I am bleeding for him.
My beloved Hokage.
Naruto.
I probably should have been more careful. I probably should have known that Sasuke had a plan, that Sasuke always has a plan. He is a genius ninja regardless of whose lover he is. I should have remembered that so that when the two of them were attacked by those impossibly strong assassins, I would have known that Sasuke knew a way already, a way to defeat them.
That he was just making it look like he was going to die.
I guess I should have known it. But I didn't think. I don't think well, when it comes to Naruto. It's because all of me belongs to him. Every cell in my body is for him. It has always been that way, a path determined for me whether I want it or not. Since before I was born, since even before my parents and their parents were born, that was what I was destined to be. For him.
So when I saw Sasuke and the impossibly strong attack that had been launched by those impossibly strong assassins, I thought that the Uchiha was going to die.
I thought that if he did, Naruto…
…Naruto would hurt. He would hurt incredibly.
He would hurt the same way I would hurt if he died.
I couldn't let that happen to him. I couldn't let him lose his most precious person.
So I jumped. It was stupid of me I guess.
But then again, I suppose it wasn't ever in my control.
I shoved Sasuke out of the way.
And that's why I'm here now, staring up at the sky on my back. I can feel the blood pouring out of me, soaking into the ground. I can feel my chakra leaving me as well, floating out of me and into the sky as if it has found a way to grow wings and fly away.
This is how it is. This is how it was always meant to be. The plan of the gods.
I was always meant to be his. Everything I do was meant to be done for him.
I've fought for him.
I've bled for him.
And now…
…now I'll give my last, my everything.
It was always my fate. This was meant to be, I know it. I know this was always how it was supposed to be.
I die for him.
END