Weiß Kreuz: The Morning After
by Meirelle Emeraldeyes
………
Ring.
Yohji rolled over and pulled the pillow over his head. "Itai." The sound made his head pound like it never had before.
Riiing. The noise was persistent.
Wondering why the hell hangovers had to be so painful, Yohji sat up and picked up the phone.
"Hello," he drawled into the receiver. "Kudo Yohji speaking."
"Hello, Lovemuffin," purred the seductive voice on the other end of the line. The voice was male. Yohji blinked, a confused look painted across his face. The thought of any man calling him "lovemuffin" was more than slightly disturbing.
"Um, who is this?" he asked warily.
"Tch!" the voice spat, "You don't remember me, Sugar?"
A shiver ran up Yohji's spine. This was extremely disturbing. "No. I—I think I'd definitely remember someone like you."
"Oh, that's okay," the voice purred, "I wouldn't expect you to remember anyhow. You were pretty sloshed last night."
Yohji's face grew several shades paler. He did get drunk last night. He didn't know how this man knew that, but it was disturbing him something fierce.
"Oh, we had such a wonderful time last night!" the voice exclaimed, "You were the best I've ever had!"
Yohji's face went green. "Um... I'm s—sorry. I don't swing that way." He stopped and considered what he just said. "I—I mean, I sometimes do, you know, swing that way. It's just that, um, the 'lovemuffin' thing—I really don't think you're my type. At all. Drunk or sober."
"But you certainly did last night, Yohji-kun!"
Yohji-kun?
Yohji's eyes narrowed. "Stop calling me that, will ya?"
The voice on the other end of the line ignored him.
"There's something I need to tell you before we take our relationship to a new level, Yohji-kun," the voice said.
Yohji sighed. "Listen. I was drunk, and you're obviously not my type, and I do not want to pursue this"—he searched for the right word—"relationship any further."
"I have diseases."
"You un—what?" He pulled the phone away from his face and stared at it in confusion.
"I have diseases," the voice said again.
Yohji's eyes went wide. "Oh. You do. Um, what kind of diseases?" he asked nervously.
"Syphilis," the voice said.
"I…see," Yohji replied. Stay cool, he told himself. There's no need to panic.
"And genital warts," the voice continued.
"Oh. I see." Panic, Yohji! Panic!
"Crabs and Gonorrhea too."
Yohji whimpered. "I—is that all?"
"No," the voice replied. "I also have Chlamydia, and I'm HIV Positive."
Yohji shook his head violently, finally bursting. "Nuh-uh! No way! Yeah, I got plastered last night, but I would never ever have sex with someone like you!"
"You did last night." Yohji could practically feel the man on the other line grinning. It scared the shit out of him.
"No, no," Yohji defended himself, "You don't understand. I don't fuck guys with diseases. I don't care how plastered I get. I can tell, and I only like chicks with big boobs or guys interested in a quick fuck!"
"I look an awful lot like a girl," the voice explained ingratiatingly, and after a moment added: "With big boobs. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference when you're that drunk." There was a frustrated sigh and then, "Poor, poor Yohji-kun. It must be hard for you. It was pure ecstasy. I can't imagine forgetting such a blissful experience."
Yohji suddenly felt very sick. He didn't have sex last night. He'd remember it. He always remembered it. And if he had sex last night it was definitely with a chick... with big boobs. Definitely.
"Um... No," he yelled. "I did not have sex with you last night!"
"But..." the voice whined. It sounded like it was going to cry. "But... Yohji-kun! How could you do this to me, Yohji-kun! I thought we were lovers!"
Yohji was seriously disturbed. Sex? With Chlamydia? And what the hell was up with the "Yohji-kun?" It fucking reminded him of the Omittchi! He shivered. Omi. Sex with Omi—the chibi. Now that was disturbing. No—that was beyond disturbing! That was fucking pedophilia!
"Yohji-kun?" the voice drawled.
Yohji shivered. No. He did not have sex with the chibi.
"Yohji-kun?" the voice asked again in a saccharine voice.
No! I did not have a threesome with the chibi and Chlamydia!
"Yohhhhjiiiii-kuuuuuun!"
"Nooooooo!" Yohji screamed, pressing the off button on the portable phone and wailing it across the room where it hit the wall and broke in half.
Yohji put his head in his hands and screamed.
………
Schuldig, while walking past Farfarello's room, noticed that the Irishman was standing in the center of the room with a big grin on his face. In his hands, he cradled a black phone.
Schuldig looked from the phone to the grin on Farfarello's face. There was something very, very suspicious about all of this. "Farfie, what the hell are you doing with the phone?"
Farfie's grin grew wider. "Hurting God," he explained matter-of-factly, cackling insanely in between words.
"Yeah, I'm sure," Schuldig responded apathetically. Farfie was the kind of person who could destroy the whole house if one didn't keep close tabs on him, but he didn't really care at the moment. Farfie's mind was hard to read. "Hurt God" seemed to be the only thing Schuldig could pick up from it half of the time. Now was one of those times.
Schuldig shrugged and walked over to the fridge to get a beer. "Okay then," he called over his shoulder into Farfarello's room, "You have fun hurting God."
"Yes," Farfarello cackled, "I will."
………
Owari April 4, 2003
NOTES: I wrote this drabble several years ago. I was looking through one of my old internet blogs, and I came across it again. I forgot I wrote it; I also forgot how amusing it was. I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading. :)