A/N: Beta'd by doroniasobi. Femslash threesome written for awin-chan.
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When Houshakuji Renge realized that perhaps she was in love, she squealed happily to herself, ate four bowls of rice—startling every servant and maid in the Houshakuji residence—and began concocting ideas of fantastical futures in her mind.
She envisioned happy and glorious matrimony: she imagined cooking for her husband, handing him his ubiquitous coffee in the morning, ironing his ties for work—never mind the fact that she did not know how to do any of these things and had no intention of learning. What were servants for, anyway?
She drew pretty pictures of herself and her husband. Children were a mixture of both: in short, an idealistic image. It made her hum and she even attempted to sing, consequently prompting her maid to come in and ask 'if she were in any dire life or death situation,' cheekiness being one of the many required personality traits of a Houshakuji employee.
There were many things in life Renge wanted, and her personal philosophy was: if you want something, go get it. Of course, money helped a great deal, but Renge did possess a rare brand of determination and perseverance for the strangest subjects, of which love was one.
When Renge fell in love, she did so very seriously, very suddenly. There were no periods of self-denial or the oft 'admiration a la distance' practice held by most Host Club clients.
No, Renge did not treat love any different from anything else, and she approached it very directly.
So on an auspicious day chosen for her by a hired astrologist, Renge approached the Natural Host and said, "Will you marry me?"
Haruhi looked her very peculiarly, but to his credit, he did not look surprised, or if he was, he hid it quite well. At his table at the time were Miss Kurakano and Miss Sakurazuka, both of whom huddled closely and inwardly wondered if this was a scripted act, a new bonus from the ever-expanding Host Club.
"I'm busy right now," said Haruhi. The two girls held each other and cried metaphorical tears of joy—oh, the drama—oh, the suspense—what would be Renge's reply?
"Then when you're not busy," Renge said; she had a very endearing trait of not getting the point: the two girls interpreted it as True Love.
"I meant in general," he said.
"Oh, no!"
"Renge-chan—rejected?" They cried some more. Hunny meanwhile wandered over and handed the ladies a handkerchief, on which they blew at the same time.
"Perhaps it would be more convincing if I went on my knees," Renge said, undeterred, and promptly did so.
Blushing and hyperventilating were no mere words to describe the cries. Miss Sakurazuka, particularly, looked especially effected by the heartwarming scene being played in front of her. Miss Kurakano looked very pointedly at both, as if she were calculating the possible responses that could be coming shortly.
"Er," said Haruhi, as Renge clasped his hands and looked up into his eyes, his mysterious, brooding eyes. Something seemed to be wrong here.
She burst into a monologue that Tamaki would be proud of: "It has come to my notice, dear Haruhi-kun, that my secret ardor for you has transformed into something purer and lovelier than anything on this Earth. I know not how to describe except in this way: oh, can it be love? My heart sings with joy. Shall I serenade you now?" And was about to do so when Tamaki, red-faced and broken-hearted, cut between the two.
"Renge-kun, it is strictly forbidden for you to marry a Host. Besides, you're both underage, and I cannot have my—my—Haruhi stolen by you, of all people!" He grabbed onto Haruhi, who yelped. "It's too sudden! What brought you to do this deranged act?"
"Deranged? Milord would be begging Haruhi's hand on his knees first chance he got," Hikaru snickered to Kaoru, who snickered back.
"You're hurting my head," Haruhi informed him, and fought to escape, though he lost in the battle of strength.
"But I love him!" Renge informed him. "And I want to marry him. It must be fun to get married—why not Haruhi-kun?"
"But I want to mar—" It was a good thing that Tamaki managed to stop right then, if not because of the twins who tactfully stepped in and prevented their ditzy Lord from making things more complicated.
Kaoru, his hand over Tamaki's mouth, said, "I'm surprised that our very own manageress failed to read the club's rules of conduct. At the very top of the list says quite clearly, you may notice, No Marriage Proposals Allowed Under Any Circumstances."
"And it's in bold, italics, and underlined, so you couldn't have missed it," Hikaru said. "You could get indicted for this."
"But it's love!" Renge said, and she turned to the crowd of girls behind her. "Wouldn't you want to marry someone for love?"
The overwhelming answers of yes, yes, and yes crushed Tamaki, literally and figuratively; in most cases he would have agreed, but this was Haruhi! Didn't anyone care about his feelings? He tried to speak, but he was prevented once again, this time by Kyouya.
"While I am aware of the fact that you ask for Haruhi's hand in marriage, there is the law to think of," he smoothly said, "as well as proper school conduct and reputation. Not to mention the parental conse—"
"My parents believe in love, and so do I," Renge told him. "They don't care who I marry anyway. Arranged marriages are so eighteenth century."
"Doesn't my opinion matter anymore?" Haruhi said, but no one really heard it.
"I'd like to marry Haruhi-kun," Kurakano suddenly said, stepping out from the crowd of girls. She took her place next to Renge. "I've been his client for the longest time and I—I love him too. So can I?"
Her courage marked a new level in fangirl devotion, one that bordered on obsession. Kurakano was going to be remembered forever in the history of the Host Club. The other girls admired her so, but they were soon herded away by the combined efforts of the twins and Kyouya. The room was eventually limited only to the club members, Renge, and Kurakano.
"Oh, yes," Renge was saying, "Kurakano and I both could marry Haruhi-kun. It would be so lovely."
"Polygamy!" Tamaki screamed and had a nosebleed for one reason or another. Hunny ran and brought him a tissue that had bunnies and flowers stenciled into it.
"Risqué," Hikaru aptly put it, but he was decidedly interested.
"Oh, we must make Haruhi a beautiful wedding dress—I mean, suit." Kaoru was interested as well. "For Renge and Kurakano-san, it will be dresses, of course."
"I want to go to the wedding!" Hunny announced. "Can I come to the wedding?" he asked Renge. "I'll bring a big, big cake! I promise."
"Of course you may. We'll invite the whole school," she said. "Won't we, Kurakano?"
"My father can rent us the wedding mansion," Kurakano said, excited. "It'll be big enough for all of us, too."
"Dear Mother in Heaven," said Haruhi, but he was ignored.
"But my Haruhi can't get married!" Tamaki wailed, pounding his fists. "I want—" Kaoru's hand was fast, and it averted the desire from being spoken. Muffled, Tamaki wept.
"Ew, my hand," Kaoru said, and Hunny raced him to bring another stenciled bunnies-and-flowers tissue to him. Hikaru, meanwhile, took over the duty of 'shutting up Milord.'
"Don't forget about your debt, Haruhi," Kyouya said, "unless, of course, your, shall we say, fiancées are willing to take care of it for you."
"No husband of mine shall ever be in debt," Renge flatly said, hands on hips. Besides her, Kurakano nodded along.
"This, of course, implies that you will have many husbands," Kaoru told her. "Is poor Haruhi the first in line of many?"
"While most people only have a husband or a wife, I get a husband and a wife. How lucky is that?"
Kaoru coughed. "Sucks for Haruhi though. S—he gets two wives."
Hikaru laughed.
"We will live in a large home," Kurakano said. "I'll make Father secure a mortgage on it right away."
"Let's live in Switzerland!"
"But what about our education?"
"Oh, forget about it. We're going to be married!"
"Haruhi has a harem," Hikaru said in a singsong voice, and snorted.
"Thank you, Hikaru," Haruhi sighed.
"Well, I've always been married to Kaoru, so it's all right with me," he said.
"I don't see how that is relevant—"
"And we were going to ask you, too, Haruhi, but I guess we weren't fast enough. I guess this is the one exception to the 'ladies' first' rule."
Hearing this, Renge swooped in. "We can all get married! Hikaru and Kaoru will get a divorce, and all five of us will marry."
"But Hikaru is only for me."
"And Kaoru is only for me."
"Well, we can have a double wedding then, just to make it official. It'd be so beautiful. A wedding full of beautiful people, just for beautiful people. And then we can look back at our wedding photos and say, 'Oh, we were so beautiful.'"
"You mean: 'we are so beautiful.'"
"Of course. How you know things, dear."
"I say, what an idea!"
"A double wedding may be somewhat difficult, but I should be able to get it arranged," Kurakano said, not that she had any qualms about it. She'd recently read a piece about marriage in an occult book: and there'd been a special section on it for marriages involving more than the traditional two people.
"You're all leaving me out?" Tamaki cried.
"Yeah, what about us?" Hunny said, referring to him and Mori, who quietly stood by, uninterested.
"You're too old for us, Milord," Kaoru dully told him. "We five are the same age anyway. We're all freshmen. The Freshmen quintet."
"What a catchy name!" Renge exclaimed.
"Horrible, horrible twins! Mother, our children are all leaving us!"
Amused, Kyouya said, "Have fun on your honeymoon." It was likely that he was imagining who would pay for all that—or maybe how the honeymoon would work out with five people.
"I'll get the rings," said Renge. "I love rings. Let's get big gaudy rings. Diamonds and emeralds and the whole lot."
"And Kaoru and I'll get the dresses," said Hikaru. "And suits."
"I'll do the wedding arrangements," said Kurakano, and she clapped her hands happily.
"I'll . . . show up." Haruhi slapped her forehead, wondering what her father was going to say when she told she was getting married to not one person, but two, at the tender age of sixteen. Not to one boy, but two girls. But thinking of her father only reminded her of the bills that needed to be paid and, oh, they'd run out of the milk again. Was the grocery still open? Yes, it should be, and since she was there, she might as well buy some vegetables: radishes, spinach—what else was there?
"This will make for a wonderful book one day," Kaoru said. "How I Became Engaged to Four People in One Afternoon. A Tell-All Memoir. And all in caps."
"Oh, yes," said Hikaru. "And then it will become a blockbuster movie. I want Tegoshi Yuya to portray me. I think he fits me quite well. He can be rather cute, too. Don't you think so?"
"Sure," said Kaoru. "He can play both of us."
"Really? But what about the—"
"Anything's possible nowadays."
"Oh, I do love Nagakawa Shoko," Renge cooed.
"She is terribly cute," Kurakano agreed.
"I'm invited to the wedding, aren't I?" Hunny asked, as a reassurance. "And so's Takashi, okay?"
"Of course, Hunny-senpai," Kurakano said. "We're inviting everyone in the school, aren't we?"
"Wonderful, just wonderful," said Haruhi.
"Oh, isn't it?" Renge said. "Just think, I got so much more than I wished for today. My astrologer is worth having, after all. I just can't wait when Mother and Father ask me how my day at school was."
"Me too," Kurakano beamed.
"How did it ever turn out this way?" Tamaki wailed, sitting down. He put his face in his hands. "How did I ever fail my children? I can't let them go. I just can't. I suppose I'm just a caring father. It's my tragic flaw."
"It is rather difficult, I suppose, if you were an obsessive, badly-managed, stubborn parent-child like yourself," said Kyouya.
"That's insulting and not helpful at all, Kyouya." Tamaki looked up at him, eyes stained with tears. Whether they were real or not was another matter, but Kyouya had a pretty good idea of what Tamaki was capable of. "You were always a heartless mother. You wouldn't understand."
"Of course I understand. I just don't brood over it like you. I let them go a long time ago."
"Oh, we will lead such a happy life together."
"Oh, won't we?" Kurakano and Renge clasped their hands together. They looked incredibly and scarily happy.
And somewhere, amidst all the continuing chatter, Haruhi groaned and wondered if she was going to be late for dinner.