Summary: Too lazy to watch season one? Well then, why the hell are you reading fanfic if you don't even know what's going on in the show? Luckily for you, you can find out here. This is a quick summary of everything that happened in season 1! Well, most of it. If it involved lots of swearing and idiocy. Well, it did involve idiocy. But not a whole lot of swearing. The Japanese tend to not swear. Isn't that funny? Why are you still reading this? Read the rest of the fic.
Warnings: Lots of swearing, sexual innuendo. May reduce IQ by a few dozen points.
Author's Note: A lot of people asked me to do one of these for season 1 like I did for season 3. So I did! Season 1 is nowhere near as stupid or mockworthy as season 3, but it still has its share of stupid. Alford alone contains enough stupid to fill an entire country.
Season 1 in Five Minutes
YUURI: I am just a normal, average high school kid. Oh no, I am being flushed down a toilet in the most normal, average way possible!
YUURI: Damn, I landed in a world full of white people! I was just thinking that that's what this show needed. A whole lotta white people.
ADELBERT: Hurry up and let me kidnap you before that guy in the Nazi uniform shows up.
CONRAD: It's too late, I am here!
WOLFRAM: I hate you SFM, Yuuri.
YUURI: Well then, I'll just beat the crap out of you in a normal, average way!
WOLFRAM: In my country domestic violence is a sign of love. Let's get married!
CONRAD: Hey this town is being burned down!
YUURI: I will unburn it down in a normal, average way!
CONRAD: We need more flashbacks of me hitting on your mom.
YUURI: Ok.
GUNTER: Hey, you now have to go find a sword that only you can use because you are our king.
YUURI: I'm on a boat now, where are all the hot boat chicks?
JOSAK: I am the hot chick on this boat! Let's make out.
YUURI: How about we go get that sword thing.
JOSAK: YOU CAN'T GET IT BECAUSE YOU'RE LAME AS HELL YOU SUCK.
CONRAD: That's mean.
JOSAK: It's true!
CONRAD: I know :(.
YUURI: I got it and now I'm destroying everything!
CONRAD: AAAAAH YOU BLEW ME WITH YOUR POWERFUL SWORD, TURN IT OFF!
STUFFEL: Let's kidnap Yuuri with a bunch of ninjas!
CONRAD: It's ok I'll just Weller-death-chop them to death.
CONRAD: In order to keep Yuuri from getting kidnapped we will take him to a public area somewhere and not guard him!
CONRAD: GODDAMNIT WHAT THE HELL HOW DID HE GET KIDNAPPED?
WOLFRAM: I was too busy flashbacking the whole episode.
CONRAD: From now on I get to do all the flashbacks, you incompetent fool!
YUURI: I am no longer kidnapped, thanks for all your help assholes!
CONRAD: At least I protected you from falling on the ground. I demand a raise.
YUURI: OH NO WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY A NEFARIOUS SAND PIT!
CONRAD: I will defeat you, evil sand pit! Die!
NICOLA: I am Nicola, a demon fangirl!
GWENDAL: We are demons.
NICOLA: SQUEE!
YUURI: I am going to earthbend the crap out of everything.
NICOLA: SQUEE!
GWENDAL: Conrad, go save him.
CONRAD: No thanks.
GWENDAL: You are fucking fired after this.
YUURI: OH NO, we can only be saved by me playing a flute and shaking my hips suggestively!
YUURI: YAY WE DID IT NOW LET'S PLAY BASEBALL.
CONRAD: I was trying to pitch into your glove but I tapped Wolfram instead.
YUURI: Thanks a lot Conrad now we have to bump up this show's rating dumbass.
CHERI: I am getting married to everyone ever. I will have sex with all of the men in the world. Except Raven he sucks.
RAVEN: :(
WOLFRAM: Yuuri I think it's time we made some babies.
YUURI: Let's make some bears that crap paint instead.
WOLFRAM: Okay that sounds kid-friendly.
YUURI: Now let's go find dragons.
ALFORD: Hi I am Alford I am the dumbest character on this show.
YUURI: Yes you are really fucking dumb.
CONRAD: I am sorry I killed all your brain cells when I beat your lame ass into the ground.
ALFORD: We're being attacked by a dragon!
YUURI: NOT ANYMORE LOL.
GRETA: I will kill Yuuri!
YUURI: CONRAD, BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT LITTLE GIRL!
CONRAD: Okay! Now let's go to a spa!
YUURI: I accidentally suffocated her to death.
CONRAD: Child-abuser.
GRETA: I'm going to go hang out with that guy in the eyepatch he looks way cooler than you losers.
CONRAD: Hey! I'm gonna kill that guy, then NONE of us will look cool!
WOLFRAM: NO LET ME KILL HIM.
HUBE: I don't want you to kill me you suck I want Conrad to kill me.
CONRAD: Yeah Wolfram go away I'm killing Hube.
HUBE: OWIE!
YUURI: Let's watch some animal abuse!
CONRAD: OK.
YUURI: Let me run into a burning building! Don't try to stop me or anything!
CONRAD: OK.
GISELA: The only way to revive Hube is to have lots of flashbacks about him.
CONRAD: BUT I HAVE TO BE IN THEM TOO.
GISELA: OK they will be mostly about you.
HUBE: Now I am awake but I am so emo that I'll just keep trying to kill everything and myself over and over the whole episode.
YUURI: Yyou suck Hube stop doing that.
HUBE: OK.
YUURI: Greta I am going to adopt you.
GRETA: What about that chick who said she was my mother?
YUURI: THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
GRETA: OK. But I hope nobody in the castle turns out to be a pedophile.
CONRAD: No promises.
CONRAD: Remember that time I went to earth I was so fucking hot back then goddamn girl I was smokin'.
YUURI: OMFG CONRAD YOUR ARM GOT CHOPPED THE HELL OFF!
CONRAD: That's ok, it is only a flesh wound! Just joking, it isn't, I'm dead. Just joking I might not be dead. But maybe I am.
YUURI: Let's forget about that whole thing and just go on some stupid adventure, Murata!
MURATA: Okie dokie artichokie.
FLYNN: Omg I am Flynn I am soooo useless if only there were lots of men and demons from other lands to make everything better for me and fix all of my problems!
YUURI: I will do that for you!
FLYNN: Oh thank you you are just so brave and I am so useless where's my butler let's go to Dai Shimaron.
YUURI: Ok why not.
MURATA: Oh by the way the villain of this season is a bunch of boxes.
YUURI: Wtf that's lame.
MURATA: Here is one evil box you must defeat.
MAXINE: YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT THIS BOX BECAUSE CONRAD'S ARM IS IN IT AND CONRAD IS SO MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME THAT NOTHING CAN CONTAIN SAID AWESOME SO YOU WILL DIE.
YUURI: Actually I unawesomed it.
MAXINE: FUCKIN' A.
FLYNN: Oh no my country got destroyed if only an entire army from another country would show up and rebuild it for me for free and compliment my leadership.
YUURI: Hey I have an entire army. Army, rebuild this city.
JOSAK: Do we look like a bunch of fucking carpenters to you?
YUURI: Josak let's go sledding.
JOSAK: OK SLEDDING SOUNDS AWESOME.
YUURI: NOW LET'S HAVE A BATTLE TO THE DEATH!
WOLFRAM: Finally, I get to fight something! Yay that fight was over in like five seconds I am victo-
YUURI: Ok Josak, you're next!
JOSAK: I lost on purpose to save that stupid harpy Flynn.
YUURI: Ok, I'm last!
CONRAD: I am here to fight you. I am a double-agent pretending to work for the other side.
YUURI: WAAAAAAAAAAH.
CONRAD: …
YUURI: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
CONRAD: ….
ADELBERT: SHUT THAT BABY UP JESUS.
CONRAD: If you just came to be lame, I don't want to talk to you. Go the hell home, I'm Awesomerad now. Look at my trenchcoat. It's fucking fabulous.
BELAR: Pity about that haircut though.
CONRAD: FUCK YOU BELAR.
MURATA: Let's have another episode talking about how awesome Conrad's family is.
JOSAK: THERE IS NO TIME WE FOUND THE NEXT BOX LET'S GO GET IT.
CONRAD: I'm here too, losers.
GUNTER: DIE.
CONRAD: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANO!
GUNTER: I am a brilliant scholar who has known you for decades but I do not possibly understand why you wouldn't want to fight me. It couldn't possibly be that you are a double agent. That is not obvious at all.
YUURI: I got the box in a normal, average, magical way and now we're in a farmhouse. Pretty much nothing has been resolved.
WOLFRAM: I think this is a good time to end season 1.
YUURI: Really? You don't think maybe one more episode would be good to resolve this season?
WOLFRAM: No, really, I think that sitting in this farmhouse is a great place or this season to end.
YUURI: Well if you say so.
THE END.