The Don'ts of Flirting With a Girl

Happy Independence Day, guys! I'm back with another Auslly fanfic! I've had this idea for a really, really long time, but I was finally inspired enough to write it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Austin & Ally or anything else you might recognize. Duh.

RULE #1
Keep all comments to yourself.

"Whoa," I said to the petite brunette standing in front of me, "what are you wearing?"

The outfit she was wearing wasn't ugly or anything…just sexy. I mean, Ally Dawson was wearing one of those belly shirts—and she never wore shirts like that! At least, that's what I thought.

Ally looked down, examining her flat stomach. "Trish dared me to wear this crop top. It feels weird, like, I'm just wearing a bra."

"I wish," I mumbled.

Unfortunately—much to my embarrassment—Ally heard my comment. I knew she had heard it because she blushed and said, "I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that."

I chuckled nervously. "I-I was just joking."

"I know, but still," Ally grabbed the top of her skirt and pulled it up high. "There. Now I feel less exposed."

Clearly, she didn't care if her legs were almost completely exposed, because her skirt was pulled a little too high. I didn't want to say anything, because then she'd get the wrong idea again, and I'd get even more embarrassed.

RULE #2
Don't use really weird and/or stupid pick-up lines.

"Those two clouds look like turtles," Ally said. Ally and I were lying in the grass, cloud watching. Ally pointed up to the clouds. "See, that's a turtle right there, and then there's another one behind it. That turtle behind the first one kinda looks like he's shoving his…okay, maybe I should stop looking at those clouds." (1)

I burst out laughing and pointed to another cloud. "That one looks like an eagle spreading out its wings."

Ally looked up and squinted. "I'm pretty sure it's a buzzard."

"What's the difference?" I asked, slightly annoyed with Ally's know-it-all attitude.

She snorted. "Oh, come on. That's like asking what's the difference between a whale and a dolphin."

"What the fuck ever!" I snapped. I loved Ally a lot, but sometimes she got on my nerves.

"Ooh, that cloud looks like a bunny eating a carrot!" Ally exclaimed, pointing and looking in awe.

I smiled and blurted, "You know, if you were a cloud, you'd be a pretty cloud."

Ally stopped looking amazed and stared at me as if I had three heads and one eye on each head. "What?" Then I noticed she was trying not to laugh.

"I said, if you were a cloud, you'd be a pretty cloud." I repeated. At the time, I didn't realize how dumb that sounded.

"Um…thanks?" Ally had her head tilted, which meant that she was confused.

Then finally, I realized how stupid and weird that pick-up line was, so I mentally facepalmed myself.

RULE #3
If you are going to say something clever, do not—and I mean DO NOT—panic and fuck up.

"Trish, you're a girl, right?" I asked the short, curly-haired girl standing in front of me.

Trish de la Rosa widened her eyes. "Last time I checked, I was."

"Right," I said, "can you tell me how to flirt with a girl? Particularly Ally?"

Trish nodded. "Say something clever."

"Okay…" I agreed. "Like what?"

"I don't know!" Trish snapped, sounding impatient and annoyed. "Just something clever!"

"Something clever…" I said to myself, walking towards Ally, who was standing at the counter, counting the money in the cash register.

"Thirty dollars and fifty-eight cents...thirty-five dollars and fifty-eight cents...uh...fifty-three dollars and forty-one cents..." Ally counted silently.

"Hey, Ally," I jumped over the counter to stand behind Ally, "I was just—"

"Dammit, Austin!" Ally interrupted me. "You made me lose count! Now I have to start all over."

"You were at 53 dollars and 41 cents." I said.

Ally turned to me, shock evident on her face. "Wow. You have a good memory."

I smirked and nodded. "Thanks, I know."

Ally rolled her eyes and chuckled, then finished counting. "We made 69 dollars and 78 cents today."

I snickered. "69." (2)

"You're so immature," Ally shook her head, then changed the subject. "What have you been up to today?"

"Nothing much," I said, "I was just thinking…"

"About…?"

For some reason, right there, I felt panic rush through me, causing me to forget what I was about to say.

Damn…and it was really clever, too.

"Uh…uh…" I searched my brain for that clever line I was about to say, but the only thing that came out was, "Oranges."

"You were thinking about oranges?" Ally gave me a look that said, "Dafuq is wrong with you?"

"Apparently," I mumbled. Then I said louder, "Yeah…I mean…why are they called oranges?"

"Because that's what color they are." Ally said, still looking at me with that weird look.

"What if someone used blue food coloring on an orange?" I asked. "Would it still be considered an orange, or would it be considered a blue?"

Ally blinked. "I wonder about you sometimes."

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, embarrassed. "Yeah, I wonder about me, too."

RULE #4
Try to act smooth and nonchalant. If that fails, hopefully your target will think it's cute and kiss you.

"You're the Love Whisperer, so please help me with something." I said.

My best friend, Dez, shook his head. "I'm not the Love Whisperer, I'm the—" he turned his voice into a whisper, "—Love Whisperer."

"Right," I said, not really caring. "Anyways, can you please help me flirt with Ally?"

Dez snickered. "You want my help to flirt with a girl? I thought you were the expert on that."

I shook my head. "No, no, no. Every time I try to flirt with Ally, I get so nervous that I either do or say something stupid, then she looks at me like I'm crazy."

"Wow, you've got it bad for her, don't you?" Dez asked.

I rolled my eyes, blushing a little. "Just tell me what I can do."

"Try to act smooth and nonchalant." Dez said.

"Smooth and nonchalant…" I said, nodding, "…wait what does 'nonchalant' mean?"

"It means cool," Dez said. "There's Ally over there. Go walk up to her, and try to act smooth and nonchalant."

"Got it." I flashed him a thumbs-up, then sauntered over towards the brown-haired beauty, who was sitting near the water fountain, engrossed in a book.

Smooth and nonchalant, smooth and nonchalant, smooth and nonchalant…

When Ally saw me coming, she placed a bookmark in her book and looked up at me, smiling. "Hey, Austin. What's up?"

I nodded. "Nothin'…just killin', chillin'." (3)

Was that smooth and nonchalant?

Ally chuckled. "Oh-kay, then…"

"So, whatcha reading?" I asked, popping out the collar on my shirt a little.

A smile formed on Ally's face as she held up the book. "The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. (4) It's really good so far. I'm on page nine."

"Cool." I said.

There was a short silence for a moment, until I asked, "Why are you reading a book by the water fountain? Aren't you afraid it's gonna fall in or something?"

Ally shook her head. "Trust me, it's not gonna fall."

"Speaking of falling, I just realized that I'm falling for you," I wanted to say, but for some reason, the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. They were on the tip of my tongue, refusing to slip out.

Finally, I was able to say it. I stepped on the ceramic rim of the fountain and said "Speaking of falli—AH!" Of course right at that moment, I lost my balance and fell right into the water fountain. It was a lot deeper than it looked. A big and loud splash shot up as soon as I landed.

"Austin!" Ally shrieked as she stood up and leaned against the rim. "Why did you fall in there?"

I emerged, spitting out some water. "Oh, you know, it just seemed like a lot of fun." Note the sarcasm.

I don't know what I thought Ally was gonna do, but I certainly wasn't expecting what she actually did. She grabbed my face and kissed me square on the lips.

When she pulled away, I just stood there—soaking in the water fountain—with a stupid grin on my face.

"You're really cute, you know that?" Ally asked, grabbing my arm and helping me out of the fountain.

"Yeah." I said, that stupid grin still on my face.

"And you're really bad at flirting, you know that?"

"Yeah."

THE END

And that concludes this one-shot. I'm not really satisfied with the ending, but at the same time, I am. Please tell me what you thought by leaving a review! Thanks for reading, and again, Happy Independence Day! :D

Question: How many of you have heard "Break Free" by Ariana Grande and Zedd? It's my favorite song at the moment.

(1) The reason why Ally wanted to move on to different clouds was because she was thinking dirty. o.O

(2) 69. Get it? If you don't get it, DO NOT ASK YOUR PARENTS.

(3) That's from Scary Movie…forgot which one, though.

(4) Honestly, I've never read or seen The Fault in Our Stars—though I really, really want to since everybody's talking about it.

-arianapa1216