AN: So this fic has been a long time coming. I've had it all planned out for months, but it took me a while to find the right tone and get anything properly written down.

Originally this was inspired by Soft Surrender (Where is She?) by The Killers. I was listening to it on repeat on a really long bus journey and ended up planning out this whole story in my head. But it also doubles up as a bit of a modern Tangled AU, which is a completely accidental but happy coincidence.

Anyway, please let me know what you think!

Prologue

we'll be dressed in black

and you'll scream my name aloud

The first time Oliver Queen lays eyes on Felicity Smoak, he's six years old and she's a tearful baby bundled up in her mother's arms. He doesn't pay her much attention, in fact he's far much more interested in the plate of 'welcome to the neighborhood' cookies that Mrs. Smoak is holding in her other hand.

The first time he really notices her, she's two and has a mess of chocolate curls and a pink dress on. He's eight and he spends the entire garden party trying to teach her to say his name.

The first time he decides he actually likes the funny little girl next door who makes silly faces at him and seems to always wear pink, she's three and she wanders into his garden looking for her ball, only to find him crying about something that happened at school. She sits down beside him and wraps her tiny little arm around his shoulders.

The first time he protects her, she's four and he's ten and he watches out his window as she gets pushed over by a couple of boys who live down the block. He rushes outside and bullies them off, before helping her up, brushing off her knees and holding her hand as he walks her back to her house.

The first time he misses her when she's not around, he just turned eleven and she can't come to his birthday party because she's in hospital with a bad case of the flu. He visits her the next day, with a slice of birthday cake carefully wrapped up in a paper napkin. He draws a smiley face on a balloon and ties it to the bars at the end of her bed. She laughs, her little face lighting up, and he's sure it's the best present he received.

The first time he kisses her, is the first time he kisses any girl. He's twelve and she's six. She presses her lips to his on a dare, before running back to her friends, blushing and laughing. He thinks he might love her a little bit.

The first time he braids her hair, she's seven and he sits with her in the playground at school, carefully picking out the hard lumps of paint that have stuck to the soft strands. He combs it through with his fingers and braids it down her back.

The first time he understands what the world is really like, he's fifteen and he watches from his window as the police pull up outside her house.

The first time he cries over a girl, is after his mother sits him down in the living room, with tears in her eyes. She explains that Felicity's missing, and the police haven't been able to find her. He doesn't say anything. He walks out of the room and hides under his bedclothes like he used to when he was a little kid. He cries until he can't anymore. And when he falls asleep, his dreams are filled with images of Felicity living out all the terrors he's seen in the few horror movies he's watched with friends. He wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, a cold sweat coating his skin and a deep fear set in his bones that he's never felt before.

The next day he starts his campaign to get her back. He goes to the police station and asks for information on the case. They can't give him anything.

He collects all the newspaper articles reporting her disappearance and tacks them up on his bedroom wall.

He makes flyers and walks around the neighborhood, pinning one to every lamp post and garden fence he sees.

He visits Mrs. Smoak, sits with her while she cries. He looks around Felicity's room, searching for clues. His eyes filling with tears he's tired of shedding as he sees her things, all exactly where she left them. Waiting for her to come home.

For three years, Felicity Smoak overtakes his life. He spends every spare hour he has searching for her. His grades slip, his teachers worry about how withdrawn he's become.

His parents take him to a therapist. He spends the whole session talking about Felicity.

The lead detective on the case knows him by name before too long. And every time Oliver visits and asks if there's any progress, the shaken head and remorseful look, punches him in the stomach all over again.

At the beginning, there are candlelight vigils in churches, and her locker is turned into a shrine. But as time passes, people move on. They have something else to pray for, and her locker gets given to a new student who just arrived from Wyoming.

On the one-year mark, there's an honorary service. Everyone accepting the fact that she's not coming home. But Oliver doesn't let go, he's so sure that she's still out there, somewhere. He develops a hero complex over it, determined to be the one who finds her. Rescues her from her ordeal and returns her home where she belongs.

But the years pass and he doesn't find her. No one does.

Mrs. Smoak drinks a lot these days, and although Oliver still visits her sometimes, he thinks it makes her sad to see him.

It's not until he's standing on the graduation podium, diploma in hand, that he realizes he's barely lived since she disappeared. He doesn't have any friends any more, he can't remember the last time he was invited to a party. He's devoted his teenage years to the little lost girl across the road.

The little girl who probably isn't even alive anymore.

That's the first time he admits to himself that she might really be gone for good.

The first time he tries to let her go, he's eighteen and he spends his graduation night gathering up all the newspaper clippings, all the evidence reports, everything about her that he's collected over the years. He burns them all in the back yard, tears stinging his eyes.

He tries not to think about her all summer, forces himself not to feel guilty for giving up. His nights are plagued with dreams of her, begging him to come to her rescue, imploring him to keep searching for her. He develops insomnia and starts taking pills, only able to sleep if he passes out.

When he leaves for college, he promises himself it will be different. He won't be haunted by her anymore.

He throws himself into life. He drinks and parties and makes friends. He sleeps with countless girls. All in an effort to forget her smiling face. That little eight-year-old girl who was the very embodiment of innocence and light. His friend.

He'll do anything to lose the feeling that he's failing her.

Sometimes he can't block her out. Sometimes he thinks about what she'd be like if she were still here. He thinks about how old she'd be. Just fourteen now, almost the age he was when she went missing.

Sometimes when he drinks too much, he spends the night telling his roommate, Tommy, everything about her, confessing his failure to keep her safe. The self-imposed duty he gave himself when he was nothing but a kid. Determined to be her protector.

Tommy's learned not to mention it the next morning.

He barely scrapes through school, graduating when he's twenty-two. And then he spends his second graduation thinking about Felicity Smoak.

She'd be sixteen now. She'd be starting to date and wear makeup and wonder what she wanted from the rest of her life. He'd probably spend his summer back home, bullying away boys and picking her up from parties when she had a little too much to drink. If she were there. Which she isn't. So he doesn't go home. He doesn't even visit.

He gets a job at a nightclub in town. Tommy's buddy owns it and he lets them both work bar. They end up co-managing the whole place after a year. It's a nice enough job, and he actually finds himself enjoying it. He's good at knowing what people want, and he and Tommy make a good team.

He has a girlfriend for a bit, Laurel. She's beautiful, smart, everything that should be perfect. He wakes up in the night calling Felicity's name. Even after all these years, his nightmares are still as vivid as they were at the start.

He tells Laurel about her, even though it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. She's compassionate and understanding, and he should feel grateful. He should be relieved that she gets it, should revel in her comfort.

He goes out and cheats on her. Sleeping with the first pretty girl who approaches him at the bar. He's not sure why he does it, he's not sure what the hell's wrong with him.

Laurel breaks up with him, Tommy yells at him. He drinks enough to pass out for a day straight.

When he's twenty-four, an eighteen year old Felicity Smoak comes back into his life like a wildfire, setting everything ablaze and lighting up the dark skies above him, just like she always had before.