How stupid could I be?
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me,
But you're the only one I see.--Sarah McLachlan, "Stupid"
xXx
We're lying in bed now, together but separate. There's never any connection, never any emotion. It's all just sex. You don't even make love to me. I'm just an easy screw. Do you know that I know I mean nothing to you?
Last night I saw you glance at that person across the room, saw how you smiled the only real smile that I have ever seen grace your face. That's how I knew. That's how I knew that that person was the one you thought of when you look at me with those distant, calculating eyes of yours. That's how I knew that that was the person whose name you call out when you're with me. It was the name you called out last night after your father's party when we were alone in the midst of what to me was love making but to you was just a substitute.
I heard you speak once of the acts that were expected of you. That's why you're with me--because I fit into that cookie cutter mold that is understood in your world. That is why you could never be with the person you want to be with. That sort of love does not fit in your world. I do. Except that I don't.
You don't give a damn about me, you never have and you never will. Your heart belongs to someone else; that person across the room. The person whose name graces your lips when I wish only for it to be mine. They are the person whose face you really see when looking at mine. I am not the person to whom you are actually speaking the sweet sentiments that you claim are directed toward me. When you look at me, your eyes are always distant; when you speak to me, your words are never true. It bites at my soul. It's killing me because all I want in this world is your love. And, of course, it is the one thing I can never have. The irony speaks miles.
And, of course, you don't see that I love you. You don't see how much I actually want to be with you. How could you possibly understand it? Everything that you do is to preserve your place in your "world". What I wouldn't do to have those heated glances and unfeigned smiles aimed at me for even one moment. I love you, why can't you see that?
And now, now we are lying in your bed. I turn towards you and try to embrace you; you push me away. You are always pushing me away. You could never love me like you love that other person. You will never look at me or smile at me like you do the that person. I can't even think the name that belongs to that individual who has stolen you away from me. But that isn't right. You never loved me to begin with.
"I'm going to work."
Your words interrupt my thoughts. I sit up, pulling the sheets to cover my unclothed body. You have already showered and dressed. You hardly ever linger with me in the early morning hours--or ever, for that matter.
"Good-bye."
And now you are leaving me--again.
"I love you, Kyouya-san."
You don't respond. You just walk off, leaving me there, alone in a bed that I wish I could truly share with you.
xXx
A/N: I haven't written anything in quite a long while so I hope that you enjoyed this. Please review because I would really like some feedback on how I've progressed. If you would like to see anymore of my writing check out my deviantart account. The address is on my profile page...I'm not quite sure who it is that Kyouya is with or who this person is talking about. Actually I do. Make your own assumptions.