(Author's note: this story is canon with all previous Donutverse stories. As such, it contains spoilers. If you've never read the Donutverse, it presupposes a prior relationship between Kurt, Puck and Adam Lambert, as well as Finn/Kurt/Puck and Kurt/Blaine. Warnings in this chapter for references to Dom/sub and discipline, and for discussion of Finn's death. All other elements may appear to be canon but should be examined closely. Spoilers through 5x04, including heavy quoting from some scenes, mixed in with original dialogue. You can bet there'll be smut, and soon. Enjoy — amy)

Nothing's too cool to take me from you
New York is not just a tan that you'll never lose
Love is the new denim or black
Skeleton guns or wedding bells in the attic
Get Ginger ready, climb in the El Camino front
Won't poke holes in the seats with my heels
'Cause that's where we make love

- Lady Gaga, "Marry the Night"

May 2012 (end of Kurt and Noah's senior year), West Hollywood

"Try this," Adam urged, opening his mouth. Obediently, Kurt opened his own, and Adam grinned before tucking the morsel of mushroom between his lips.

Kurt groaned, applying a little more friction with his tongue than was necessary to clean off every drop of sauce. "God." His eyes rolled up into his head. "Noah's outdone himself again."

"Would you expect any less for your birthday?" He gestured at the table, set for three. "Have a seat. There's something I need to ask you before I wake Noah up."

Kurt lowered himself gingerly into Adam's kitchen chair, appreciating the cushion even more than he had the day before. It may have been an entirely necessary paddling, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to feel its aftereffects. "I'm all ears."

Adam sat across from him, his body alive with tension. It was that more than anything else that made Kurt sit up and take notice, because Adam didn't get nervous about anything.

"Honey," he began, reaching for Kurt's hand. Kurt took it, squeezing his fingers reassuringly. Adam smiled in appreciation. "I'm so glad the two of you came to visit."

"Me, too," Kurt said. "We've both been looking forward to it for weeks. And especially now that Noah's certain he's graduating, and — well, I wasn't happy to hear I wasn't getting into NYADA, but this was a real comfort to know I would at least get to see you for a few days before the end of the school year."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. It's — well. You know I've already asked Noah to move out here to be with me. I'm fairly certain he's decided to say yes."

Kurt nodded. Noah had been a free agent for some time now, and although it hurt to think of him living so far away, that had always been part of their plan: to do the things they needed to do after school, before coming back together as a family. Now that things with Finn hadn't worked out as expected, it was comforting to imagine coming to visit both Noah and Adam at the same time. "I told him that was okay. That he could make his own decisions about that."

"Kurt… you could come with him."

Kurt opened his mouth to answer and found himself at a loss. "You — you want me to move to California?"

"Why not? There's nothing keeping you from it now. No school obligations." Adam was starting to build up a head of steam. "Your father has Carole and Sarah. Blaine has one more year of school. There's no reason you couldn't move in with us. With me." He paused, eyes alight, and reached into his pocket. He drew out a delicately carved filigree gold band and held it, poised, between his fingers.

"Adam," Kurt breathed, staring at the ring. His heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest.

"Prop 8 made it illegal, but whatever, I don't care about that." He waited expectantly, gazing into Kurt's eyes. "Marry me, Kurt."

"I can't." The answer came right away, no thinking required. He felt more horrible having said it.

Adam lowered the ring slowly, his smile dropping away along with it.

"You… okay." Adam let out an unhappy laugh. "That was unexpected. I really thought… haven't we talked about this? With Finn out of the picture, didn't you want —?"

"I did. I do." Kurt hung on to Adam's hands. "God, I love you so much, and Noah — the three of us, together, it would be amazing. I can't say I won't ever want that with you. I just don't think I'm ready. I turned nineteen this week. There's so much I want to do, to learn about the world. I want to live in New York, Adam! If I'm going to marry you, I want to be able to say yes to you with a whole heart." He reached across the table, coming up on both feet to touch Adam's face. "Please understand this isn't any fault of yours. I'm crazy about you, just as much as I ever was. I'm not saying no. I'm saying —"

"Kurt." Adam smiled, the hurt apparent on his face. "You're saying no."

"I'm saying someday." He shook his head, feeling desperate for Adam to believe him. To think that he could hurt Adam that way, that he could have — He blinked back tears.

"Hey." Adam's face softened, and he walked around to Kurt's side of the table to take him in his arms. He held him while Kurt shook. "Honey, it's — you're all right. You have the right to say no. I'm disappointed, yes, but I know you still love me. I know that." He kissed the tears on Kurt's cheeks, which just made him cry more. "Don't be scared."

"But you want it so much," Kurt sobbed. "I can tell. This is what you want, and I'm not ready, and — and you and Noah are going to move on without me."

Adam didn't deny it. Kurt appreciated that. He closed his eyes, trying to lose himself in the sensation of Adam's hand, stroking his hair.

"You get to have a chance to be on your own. That's good. Maybe someday I'll ask you again. Or maybe you'll ask me. We'll just have to see what happens. Keep being honest with me, honey, and — and don't forget about me?"

The plea was a little too anxious to feel good to Kurt, but he nodded fervently. Of course he wouldn't forget about Adam. "I love you."

"I love you too, honey." Adam kissed him once more, a little perfunctorily, and held him out at arm's length with a brisk smile. His own eyes were dry. "Now, let's go uncuff our beautiful boy, and have your birthday dinner."

May 2013 (episode 5x04), Bushwick District, Brooklyn, New York

"I think I want to start a band." Kurt propped his arm behind his head, staring thoughtfully up at the ceiling of their loft as he held the phone to his ear. "Do you think that's a crazy idea?"

"Even if it is, it's an exciting one," said Blaine. "I'm sure you'd love fronting a band."

"I don't know if I want to front one, exactly, so much as collaborate with other people to create one. I was thinking a Madonna cover band would be fantastic."

"Mmmm. That's kind of limiting, isn't it? I bet you could do more if you expanded your focus. You're more Gaga than that." Blaine sighed. "You're a Gaga, I'm a Katy."

"You're so much more than a Katy, Blaine," Kurt assured him.

"No, but — thank you, but — I mean, I like things sweet and familiar and comforting."

Kurt grinned. "Like handcuffs?"

"Yeah," Blaine said dreamily. "Like that. Anyway, we have to sing a Gaga song for Glee, because we're the Katys, and the Gagas are doing a Katy song? I was thinking it would be fun to do your version of Hair. Remember, you told me about that? But then I thought it might be too much like a Katy song already…"

"Have you listened to Gaga's new album yet? It's brilliant. Timothy sent Sarah some demo tracks in the winter, but the post-production work is really inspired. You guys should sing Do What U Want. Would you get Sarah or somebody else on the A/V team to record your performance for me? I'd really love to see what you create."

"I think Unique's already got it hooked up to stream it live on the Internet. Oh — I forgot to tell you!" He groaned. "We're up against Road Explosion from Fort Wayne this year for Nationals. God, do you think we should just forfeit now?"

"Blaine, this is no different from competing against Vocal Adrenaline. Don't make the mistake we did to get into a funk about it. New Directions could still win."

"But they're practicing all the time, and their budget is —"

"Blaine."

Blaine responded to his Voice over the phone as quickly as he would have in person. It made Kurt shiver to hear it.

"You can do this. Those resources you have inside yourself, they're not limited to labels. Use the group's assets. Highlight Jake's dancing, Unique's voice. You."

"Yeah?" Blaine sounded so tentative. Kurt wished he could just wrap him up in a hug.

"I wish I could be there to convince you."

"Um… yeah." He heard Blaine's voice go a little breathless. "You can be very convincing with that tawse."

"Soon. Very soon, now. I love you."

They hadn't come to any firm conclusion about what would happen once school was out, but Kurt was certain he'd at least find a way to get Blaine out to New York for his birthday. Without anyone at home to watch over Blaine anymore — and Kurt was not going to start thinking about that, or he'd start crying again — Kurt felt even more responsible for his well-being. It had been intimidating to think about being the only one caring for him, especially earlier that year when Blaine had been so very needy and fragmented.

But Blaine had grown tremendously since the winter. There wasn't anything Kurt could attribute it to other than time and maturity, but he wasn't complaining. He was sure he never would have said yes to Blaine's proposal if Blaine hadn't shown such capacity.

Even so, it was a weighty prospect, the idea of a being Blaine's Top. It wasn't the dynamic he preferred with Blaine. Doing it at Dalton had been enough to convince him of that.

For a moment, he let himself give into the morass of regret and loss that swallowed him whenever he thought about Finn, and buried his face in the couch, crying as quietly as he knew how. Who's left to take care of me? he wanted to wail. Why do I have to be the strong one?

But he knew the answer. It was just the way it was. The closest he'd come to finding another potential boyfriend, since he and Adam had broken up, had been when he'd dated Adam Crawford — and hadn't that been weird, saying Adam's name and seeing another man's face respond — but in the end, Adam had just been too vanilla for him. Kurt knew himself well enough by now to be sure he needed certain things from another man, and he wasn't willing to go to a professional Dom for any of those services; they were too much about trust and devotion for him to put them in the hands of a stranger. No, if he was ever going to submit to another man again, it was going to have to be someone who loved him, and whom he loved in return.

And how likely am I to find one of those? He had to wonder. Blaine might be fine with him being poly in theory, but in actual practice, it wasn't easy to meet people who were interesting, trustworthy, attractive and matched his kinks — and who didn't actually mind that he was already engaged to another man. He'd complained to Santana more than once about the number of people who said they were poly, but were really just serial monogamists in disguise.

"Kurt, can I borrow the silk scarf with the lilies on it?" Rachel's voice preceded her arrival into the sitting area, but she stopped when she saw Kurt's red eyes and the tissue in his hand. She gave him a small smile. "One of those days?"

"Yeah," he said, and it didn't come out too wobbly. Finn was a topic that was both familiar and fraught with complications for the two of them. They hadn't yet found a way to talk about him without one of them crying, but at the very least, he could be sure Rachel understood. She offered her arms, and he accepted them gratefully.

"I know it'll be a while before it feels easier." Kurt took a long, slow breath. "I'm still mostly in avoiding mode."

"You and Blaine both," she agreed. "I don't know if I'm grateful or frustrated, but… he seems to be moving on so easily."

Kurt waited several moments before responding. "I think Blaine's grief will come out in… different ways."

There wasn't anything about their history that Rachel didn't already know, but it was still strange, talking about what they did with her. Kurt knew that she'd done much of it with Finn, but as far as Kurt knew, she hadn't looked for it from anyone else since Finn had set her free at the train station in Lima. Things had definitely changed between the two of them when Rachel had turned eighteen in December, and had finally learned who her father was. That had been a hell of an upheaval. But after the funeral, it seemed like most of that had been forgiven.

Kurt stepped away from Rachel, putting on a needless brave face. "All right. I'd better get ready for work. There's something I want to run by you on our way into the city."

"The theme of the evening, pretty much, is love. And it's all sides of love. Sometimes love can break your heart. Sometimes it sucks, love. But if we didn't know heartache, we wouldn't know the real stuff, true love. And I think in order to hold on to that true love and make it work, sometimes you just have to ask the right questions."

- Adam Lambert, Glam Nation tour, 2011

The first thing Kurt did when he got home from the audition — audition, my ass, he thought furiously; whatever the hell that was, it wasn't an audition — was call Blaine. He barely said three words to Santana after Adam left the studio, although she had plenty of words for him. There was too much going on in his head, and he was pretty sure if he tried to process it in front of Santana or Rachel, he was going to break down screaming or crying, or both.

He went right to his bed and sat down, grasping his own arms, trying desperately to hold on to his sanity.

"Hey, babe," Blaine said, cheerful as always. "How'd it go? Did anyone show up?"

"Yes," he snapped. "Someone familiar. Someone I know intimately." He was going to give himself TMJ from all the teeth-clenching. "Adam."

"He wants to join your band now? I thought he kicked you out of Adam's Apples when he found out we were engaged."

"No. Not Adam Crawford."

There was a stricken pause. "Oh my god. He — he didn't."

"He most sure as hell did," Kurt moaned. "Blaine, he showed up in full regalia, this stunning sparkling top hat and tails, and — and sang Gaga. He blew Dani and Santana away."

"And you," Blaine added.

He scowled. "What?"

"Kurt, no matter how surprised you were, don't tell me part of you wasn't completely thrilled to be that close to Adam again. And singing? That man does not have an inside voice." Blaine sounded positively blazé about the whole thing. "How did Adam explain wanting to join your band?"

"He's going by a stage name. Starchild. It was —" Kurt huffed reproachfully. "Blaine, this is about our engagement."

"What? How do you know?"

"Because he sang freaking Marry the Night." Kurt drew out each syllable, pointing at the floor for emphasis, even though nobody was there to see him do it. "Some coincidence. Goddamn fishnet gloves."

"Kurt…" The gentle, reasonable way Blaine spoke his name, it made Kurt want to fall apart right there. "You still love him."

"I don't even know him, Blaine. We've barely talked at all this year."

Blaine sounded like he wasn't even listening. "I bet he was amazing, though."

"I told him it wasn't a fit. Santana thinks I'm insane, of course." He scrubbed at his face with his hand. "God. What could I tell her? I can't do this."

"Oh, Kurt," he sighed. "What did Adam do, when you turned him down?"

"He looked… angry." Kurt couldn't have erased the expression from his mind if he'd tried. "I also told him, if he was willing to tone down his look, maybe I'd reconsider."

"Tone down his — you mean stay a secret?"

"How am I going to keep Adam Lambert a secret, Blaine?" Kurt hollered. Blaine laughed, which just made Kurt feel more frustrated and powerless.

"Kurt, I'm just going to say this once. I won't interfere with your relationships with other people, you know I won't. But I can also see how much you're hurting — how much you need this."

"Need what?" As soon as he snapped out the words, Kurt felt himself flush. God. "Adam and I haven't done that for almost a year. I — there's no way I could expect him to —"

"Are you listening to yourself?" Blaine sounded incredulous. "Okay, Kurt. I'm really bad at this, but… I'm going to have to pull out the big guns. Go to the piano and play it."

Kurt didn't even bother to play dumb. "I don't even — I haven't played that in months."

"I know that when you play it, it's because you miss him. Let me listen, okay?"

He could have told himself it was for Blaine, that he was being persuasive. He could have grumbled about being pushed to do something he absolutely wasn't ready for. But Kurt's feet moved of their own accord toward the electric piano on its stand in the corner. He set the phone down without hanging up. When he sat down on the bench and placed his hands on the keys, it was like the entire manuscript of the song he'd written for Adam was there in front of his eyes. He was crying by the time he reached the second arpeggio.

When he picked the phone two minutes later — he'd rushed the ending, but he knew Blaine wasn't going to harp on him about it — he didn't feel angry anymore.

"How did you know?" he wanted to demand, but his state of mind precluded more yelling. "How did you know that would —"

"Because I sang Sanctuary for Finn. Because I sang Teenage Dream for Puck. I know how this feels, Kurt. Music is your voice. It's the best thing about you, and that's saying something. And I know you."

Kurt cradled the phone to his wet cheek. "God, Blaine," he whispered. "I don't know if I can deal with this."

"You can." There wasn't one shred of doubt in Blaine's voice. "And there's nothing bad here. I mean, there might be things to work through, but there wasn't any betrayal between you. It might not be the same, whatever you create, but… I know it's real. And I know he's good for you."

"Yeah, well, Mike was good for me, too. Look how that ended up." But Kurt knew it wasn't the same. He didn't even bother to let Blaine answer. "All right. All right. I'll — I'll talk to Santana." He sighed, feeling the tension starting to ebb. "She took video of him, on her phone."

"Oh my god," Blaine squealed, "send it to me!"

By the time Rachel came around to talk to him about why he'd told "Starchild" to get lost, Kurt's defensiveness about the outrageous sidekick best friend thing didn't seem believable even to him anymore. Fringe is unsuccessful, huh? Right. Ask Lady Gaga. Or my ex-boyfriend. It was easy to let her talk him into giving Starchild a second chance.

"I don't even have his phone number," he said feebly. "Or his real name."

Neither of which were true. Adam still lurked in his contacts list under Adam, unlisted, even thought he hadn't heard anything from him in months. He'd found himself trolling the fanboards online periodically, especially back in April when Adam and Sauli had officially announced they'd broken up.

But he hadn't yet made the decision to actually take the risk of calling him when he came to work the next day and realized the bespectacled boy in the brown sweater, sitting in the corner booth, was waiting for him. He watched him from a distance throughout the beginning of his shift, but eventually it became impossible to go on ignoring Adam. Pen poised, he tried for an unaffected drawl.

"Hello, welcome to Spotlight; I'm Kurt, I'll be your chorus boy waiter, uh, today. Can I start you off with one of our signature orange freezes."

"First, can I ask you something?" Adam took off his glasses, holding out his hands and gazing up at Kurt with a sheepish appeal. "Is this toned down enough?"

"Oh, my god — Starchild." Kurt swallowed. Adam laughed, with more than a little relief.

"It's… Elliot Gilbert, actually."

If Adam was trying to hide the emotion in his eyes, he wasn't doing a very good job of it. Kurt scrambled for something else to possibly say. Elliot. How's your year been, Elliot? I've missed you so much, Elliot. I had a sex dream about you last night, Elliot.

"Do you have a — a minute to talk?"

"Yeah," Kurt stammered. He turned and called back to Joanie, "I'm taking an intermission." That made Adam laugh. Before Kurt could chicken out, he pulled out the chair across from him and took a seat. "That's how we have to say I'm taking a break here. An intermission. We have to say it or else we get fined." God, I'm babbling. Just shut up, Kurt. He took a deep breath. "I'm — so happy to see you. I've been trying to find you since your audition."

"Same. Hence my stalking you."

Kurt blinked, feeling Adam's chuckle like a physical touch. He restrained himself from reaching out across the table and grabbing his hand, but the urge was almost overwhelming.

"So I'm just going to come right out and say this." Adam steeled himself, shaking his head. "I — I need to be in your band. I mean, I came to New York to be in your band. Something cool and fun and — and special…"

"Here's hoping," Kurt whispered. Adam's eyes snapped at him. He appeared to be having difficulty exhibiting restraint himself. Kurt squared his shoulders. If this game was going to go on any further, he was going to need to be very clear on the rules. "Came from where? If you say Ohio, I'm going to die."

"Paramas. New Jersey." Adam smirked. "Land of malls. As soon as I was old enough, I used to take New Jersey transit to the City to see shows and concerts, go to museums… so I only applied to colleges in New York."

College. Kurt felt the icy-heat of shock. "Oh — do you go to NYADA, too?"

"No. NYU. I didn't get into NYADA." He shrugged. "But it's cool. I'm doing things all over the city, and one of the things on my artist bucket list is to be in an indie band. Specifically, your indie band… Kurt."

Hearing Adam say his name, like that, while looking at him like that, made him choke on a whimper. God, how could Adam still touch him, like that, without laying one hand on him? Adam smiled gently.

"So… if Starchild's too much for you…" He licked his lips. "I can be whoever you want."

No matter what he'd said to Adam a year ago, there'd never been any question in Kurt's mind that Adam had always been exactly what he'd wanted. Now, in this moment, faced with him again, in his restaurant, in his city… it was almost too much for him to handle. He closed his eyes to gather himself. When he opened them again, Adam's smile was shy.

"I just wanted to make an impression."

"You did," he exhaled. "And… after a lot of soul-searching, I've come to the conclusion that the greatest chance for my — my band to be successful is to surround myself with the best people." He felt his heart catch when Adam's smile broadened. "And although there wasn't much of it, you blew the competition away."

"Yeah, well… you want to know a secret?" Adam glanced around before leaning across the table, lowering his voice. "I kind of chased away the rest of the competition. As in I sat out there in the hallway all morning and told them the audition was cancelled."

Kurt stared at him for a moment before laughing out loud. "Holy shit, you did not."

"I did," Adam whispered, his eyes gleaming. "Aren't I such a bad boy?"

Kurt opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again, not trusting what he might say in response to that. Adam looked down at the table, then glanced back up at him through lowered lashes.

"So I can audition again?"

Kurt shook his head. "No." It was worth it to see Adam's face fall, but he didn't leave him hanging long. "You're in. As Elliot Gilbert, as Starchild, or — or someone in between. Whoever you want to be."

"Who I want to be," Adam echoed, shaking his head — but whatever else he was going to say was interrupted by Santana's bored commentary.

"Intermission's over. And you have a fiance, so stop flirting."

Kurt twisted around in his chair, jerking a thumb at Adam. "Santana," he hissed, "this is Elliot Gilbert, aka Starchild."

"Oh, well — hot damn." Santana's face split in an appraising smile. The sound of Adam's laugh made Kurt's heart leap into his throat. He turned back to Adam.

"And, I hope, the newest member of our band?"

Santana reached out and patted Kurt's shoulder. "Well, you just take as long an intermission as you like. I can cover for you with Joanie. Don't forget to get his phone number this time, all right?" She gave Adam a smug little wave, then sauntered away.

Adam was still laughing as he watched her go. "Can I just say I was surprised as hell when I realized that was Santana at the audition? I had no idea she'd come to New York with you."

Apparently the rules included being able to talk about their actual past when no one was listening. Kurt nodded. "She and Rachel have kept me tethered this year, after —" He paused before going on. "After Finn died."

"Yeah," Adam murmured. He clasped his hands in front of him on the table. "I can only imagine what you must have gone through. Must still be going through."

"I couldn't have made it without Blaine. He's been unbelievably strong through the whole thing." He kept his eyes on Adam's face as he added, "I don't know if you caught that, what Santana said, but Blaine and I are — he asked me to —"

"I know." Adam's expression barely changed, but Kurt saw his eyes flash. "Noah told me. That's why I came to New York. I needed to decide if this decision was as ill-considered as Noah seems to think it was."

That stung. "Noah has his own demons to wrangle. You know that."

"That's not what I'm talking about." Adam still wasn't letting his face betray his feelings, but Kurt thought he might sound a little chiding. "I'm saying a year ago, you told me you were too young to get married. That you needed some more time to live life on your own before you could choose something as serious and permanent as marriage."

"I did," Kurt agreed, trying not to appear too defensive. Adam nodded solemnly.

"So I needed to see for myself how you were, to assess your decision. Because I just can't believe you would change your mind like that for no reason. And the truth is, I don't think you'd change your mind about something like marriage at all." His voice fell to a mellow whisper, but Adam's words were anything but. "I can't believe it's as simple as choosing the wrong person. Because I never was the wrong person."

"Really." Kurt floated the question on a sea of indignity, but Adam wasn't backing down. "That's a little conceited of you, don't you think?"

Adam smiled. "Well, Kurt, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm a little conceited. Are you really surprised? I should say I was a little surprised that the first words you would say to me in over seven months were slamming my fashion design choices. Anyway, I still think Irina Shabavaya is a genius, and you'll never convince me otherwise."

"Don't tell me your choice of song was a freak accident."

"You know me better than that, Kurt."

He pressed his lips together. "I used to."

"Come on, I doubt either of us have changed all that much in one year. I still know you're the biggest Gaga fan I've ever met, and believe me, I've met some." Adam's smile went a little soft. "She misses you."

"I miss her too," Kurt murmured. This was getting into some dangerous territory for broad daylight. He shook his head in disbelief. "I really don't understand how you've managed to get this far without anybody recognizing you. You're just — sitting here."

Adam laughed. "Oh, really? Let's try this." He stood up, motioning for Kurt to follow, and walked up to the bar, where several customers were standing with their burgers and shakes. "Excuse me? Could you settle a bet between me and my friend?" Adam struck a pose. "Do you think I look like Adam Lambert?"

Kurt gaped as the couple looked Adam up and down. The man shook his head. "Sorry, buddy, I think you'd need some eyeliner."

"Oh, I don't know," said the woman, smiling back. "I see some similarities in your jawline."

"Thank you," Adam said brightly. He looked expectantly at Kurt. "I told you."

"You're right," Kurt said, shrugging helplessly. "How could I ever have doubted you?"

They seemed to both realize at the same moment that there was no longer a table between the two of them. Adam held his breath.

"Um — so I should probably stop taking advantage of Santana's generosity, but… any chance you can tell me when you get off?"

"Work," Kurt added quickly. "I get off work at seven. And —"

"I'll be here," Adam promised. He backed away, giving a little wave with one hand. "Thank you, Kurt. You won't regret this."

Santana caught up with him as he stood there, watching Adam disappear into the crowd outside on the sidewalk. "Well, that was a hell of a lucky break. Please tell me he said yes."

"He said yes," Kurt agreed, his voice coming out faint. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to say in return.