Krieger did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. I thought of this when I realized I needed a new coffee maker at my house.
Krieger Koffee
A typical television infomercial on a typical night. On screen were the words AND NOW A MESSAGE ABOUT COFFEE!
Ray's voice was heard. "And now the last person anyone wants to see in the operating room…Dr. Krieger!"
Krieger was then on camera waiving to the audience. Or at least the sound of an audience clapping. "Hello everybody! Dr. Krieger here! Say do you like coffee? I love it!"
The audience kept clapping. "Yes, I know everyone loves coffee…" Krieger chuckled. "Okay settle down now. That's enough applause…"
The applause kept going. "Cheryl, you ding-a-ling ditz!" Pam was heard. "Turn off the damn tape!"
"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl was heard over the applause.
"No, but I am working the camera so…" Pam groaned.
"Oh, for the love of…" Ray was heard sighing. The applause stopped. "I'll do it!"
"Oh good," Cheryl was relieved. "That's one less thing I have to do."
"It's your only job!" Ray snapped.
"HEY!" Krieger snapped. "WE'RE TALKING ABOUT COFFEE HERE!"
Krieger smiled and faced the camera. "Boy, I get grouchy if I don't have my coffee just right! Don't you? But I don't have that problem anymore with Krieger Koffee. The perfect coffee brewing machine!"
Krieger went to a table with a strange looking coffee making machine on it. "Yes, Krieger Koffee! If you are tired of figuring out about pods and beans and capsules. Then Krieger Coffee is for you! And it's got that expensive coffee house taste for half the price. But don't just take my word for it! Let's talk to our very own in-house expert, Mallory Archer!"
Mallory walked out to fake applause in a lovely dress. She was smiling even when the applause started to speed up and sound off key.
"Ray!" Pam hissed off camera.
"It's not my fault!" Ray snapped as the applause started to sound even weirder. "This damn tape you put in is all weird. How old is this thing?"
"That's enough applause!" Krieger said brightly. The applause stopped but not without making a weird sound at the end. "Here she is! Our very good friend Mallory Archer!"
"You couldn't get Michael Grey huh?" Ray called out off screen.
"Scheduling conflict," Krieger shrugged.
"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted.
"Uh Ms. Archer here is an expert on coffee," Krieger decided to try to get the infomercial back on track.
"Yes," Mallory smiled brightly. "I'm a certified expert from the American Coffee Connoisseurs."
"Since when are you a certified coffee expert?" Ray asked.
"Since when are you the FCC?" Mallory snapped. "SHUT UP!"
"How the hell is Ms. Archer a coffee expert?" Cheryl asked.
"Because she's had to drink so many to sober up all these years," Ray called out.
"That doesn't make sense," Pam was heard. "Since when has Ms. Archer ever been sober?"
"What part of shut up does the peanut gallery not understand?" Mallory snapped. "The up or the shut?"
"Say Ms. Archer you love coffee, right?" Krieger prompted.
"It's not bad," Mallory waved. "I mean. Yes! Yes! I love coffee. It is my favorite drink after all."
The cackles of Ray, Pam and Cheryl were heard. Mallory glared at them but went back to her lines. "The problem is Dr. Krieger that the coffee I love to drink has such high prices. It really takes a lot out of my paycheck."
"Ouch!" Krieger hammed it up. "That really hurts the ol' wallet, doesn't it?"
"It does," Mallory nodded. "And as a member of the International Coffee Connoisseurs Society you can imagine those coffee bills are rather high!"
"You mean the American Coffee Connoisseurs," Krieger gave her a look.
"That too," Mallory added. "But I have such a hard time making the coffee I like. All these buttons and nozzles. It says grind when I just want it to drip. What's a coffee lover like me supposed to do?"
"Switch to tea?" Cheryl quipped off camera.
"Ha, ha, ha…Very funny," Mallory glared. "Anyway, as part of the American Coffee Lovers Association…"
"American Coffee Connoisseurs," Krieger corrected.
"Whatever," Mallory ignored him. "I have to taste coffee all the time. But how can I taste it if I can't even use the machine that brews it. It's so complicated!"
"Well not with the Krieger Koffee System!" Krieger grinned. "You don't even have to worry about the difference between ground beans and unground beans. Just throw any type of coffee in the patented Krieger Brew section and it will do the job of figuring out what to do for you!"
"Really?" Mallory pretended to be surprised.
"It's as simple as one two five," Krieger nodded.
"Three," Ray sighed.
"Three what?" Krieger blinked.
"Are you telling me I don't have to figure out how to grind my coffee?" Mallory gasped. "This is wonderful. Especially for the American Coffee Club."
"American Coffee Connoisseurs!" Krieger snapped.
"Whatever!" Mallory snapped back.
"I told you we should have rehearsed this first," Ray grumbled off camera.
"Zip it Tinkerbell!" Mallory snapped.
"But Krieger Koffee goes one step beyond that," Krieger smiled. "Say Mallory do you like alcohol in your coffee?"
Mallory blinked. "Is that a trick question?"
"Well Krieger Koffee has a special compartment that allows you to pour your favorite alcoholic beverage and make your favorite adult coffee," Krieger smiled. "At a fraction of those fancy restaurant costs!"
"Is that true?" Mallory acted surprised. "How does it work?"
"I'm glad you asked," Krieger grinned. "What kind of coffee would you like Ms. Archer?"
"How about a little Irish Coffee?" Mallory asked. "I love Irish Coffee."
"And yet you hate the Irish even more than The University of Southern California," Pam remarked off camera.
"Okay here's how we make the Irish Coffee," Krieger grabbed a bag of coffee beans. He put the beans in one compartment here. "Put the beans in here. I already put the water, sugar and cream in their separate compartments."
"It looks so easy," Mallory said convincingly.
"Throw in some Irish Whisky," Krieger pulled out a bottle and dumped all of it in a different container. "Then go to the screen for coffee settings. There's an Irish Whiskey setting right here."
"How convenient," Mallory said.
"I'm going to put the setting on iced so you won't burn yourself tasting it," Krieger set the machine. "And push this button and…"
Suddenly a very loud crunching sound was heard over a loud bubbling sound which was drowned out by a really loud rattling sound. "IT'S SO QUIET!" Krieger shouted.
"WHAT RIOT?" Mallory shouted. "KRIEGER IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LOUD?"
"YES, I AM VERY PROUD!" Krieger shouted over her.
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"WHAT?" Krieger shouted.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Mallory shouted. "THERE'S TOO MUCH NOISE!"
"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANY BOYS!" Krieger shouted. "YOU SHOULD ASK RAY THAT!"
The machine finished. "And it's done!" Krieger showed the glass of the iced Irish Coffee.
"Hey y'all," Ray spoke off camera. "The airport just called to complain about the noise. They want us to keep it down."
"Sorry Ray," Mallory winced. "I'd give you a stinging retort but I couldn't hear a damn thing you said. I still have a ringing in my ears."
"Here Ms. Archer," Krieger held out the drink to her. "Have a drink!"
"Seriously?" Mallory blinked. This was obviously something she didn't count on.
"Go ahead," Krieger gave her the drink. "Take a sip!"
Mallory summoned all her acting skills and took a drink. "Hey this is actually good!"
"It is, isn't it?" Krieger grinned.
"No, I'm serious!" Mallory told him. "This is delicious!" She took another drink. "This is the best damn Irish coffee I ever drank!"
"And she's drunk a lot of them," Cheryl called out. "And I mean a lot!"
"Yeah but this one is really good!" Mallory told her.
"That's because the flavor of the alcohol is blended perfectly with the flavor of the coffee!" Krieger said happily.
"It is blended perfectly!" Mallory finished the drink. "And I'm not just saying that to sell this crap. This is good! It's good crap!"
"I am not being paid enough for this," Ray groaned in embarrassment.
"You're getting paid?" Pam shouted. "How much?"
"Twenty bucks and a bottle of cheap wine," Ray told her.
"How come we only get the bottle of wine?" Pam was heard.
"This is the first I'm hearing about the twenty bucks!" Cheryl added.
"Because Ray has a producer's credit and you don't!" Krieger snapped.
"How did he get that?" Pam asked.
"I produced the booze for this segment," Ray snapped.
"Okay that's fair," Pam admitted.
"I want another drink," Mallory said.
"How about a Mexican Coffee?" Krieger suggested.
"I say Ole!" Mallory nodded as she put the cup down. "Fill 'er up! Iced though. Don't want to burn my throat."
"Okay I just have to put in some Kalua," Krieger noticed. "Huh. Still plenty of Irish Whisky. Eh that won't do any harm." He added the alcohol.
"Why waste it?" Mallory shrugged.
Krieger turned on the machine again and it made that same loud noise. "DOES IT HAVE TO BE THAT LOUD?" Mallory shouted.
"WHAT?" Krieger shouted. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
"I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY NAMED DREW!" Mallory shouted. "ASK RAY!"
"WHO'S FAY?" Krieger shouted back.
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
The machine stopped. Mallory took the drink. And drank it all in one gulp. "Okay this is damn good," She smirked.
"Yes, the Krieger Koffee system has over 150 different alcoholic drink recipes from all over the world programmed in its system," Krieger said. "All for a low price of $999.99!"
"Gimme another!" Mallory hiccupped. "I want another coffee."
"Okay," Krieger took the empty glass. "How about a regular coffee this time?"
"How about I drill a couple slugs in your kneecaps?" Mallory snapped.
"How about a Café Brulot?" Krieger gulped.
"In Ms. Archer's case," Cheryl was heard. "It's more like a Café Whore-Lot!"
"Shut up!" Mallory shouted. Her speech was getting slurred. "I'll do it!" She shoved Krieger out of the way.
"Isn't that the same drink we just made?" Krieger asked.
"So?" Mallory glared at him. "I like it!"
"You like anything that's over 90 proof," Ray quipped.
Mallory shrugged. "I gotta admit Tink, when you're right you're right!" She then pressed the button.
The awful noise was heard again. "GOD DOES IT HAVE TO DO THAT?" Mallory screamed.
"NO, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING FAT!" Krieger shouted.
The machine finished and Mallory took another drink. "Damn this is good coffee!" She grinned. "The Coffee Loving American…Whatever endorses this product. And this drink!"
"Krieger she's getting soused faster than usual," Pam was heard. "Is there a reason for that?"
"Well…" Krieger shrugged. "For some reason, alcoholic coffee drinks have a higher potency when they are blended with the Krieger Koffee brew."
"How much higher?" Ray asked.
"About a hundred and fifty nine proof higher," Krieger nodded. "I think it has something to do with the hyper-canting destabilization unit."
"Oh boy…" Ray groaned. "There it is…"
"Okay," Cheryl was heard. "Pam turn the camera on me. I think the audience wants to see someone hot!"
The camera was turned to show Cheryl. "Hey everybody on TV!" She waved. "Look at me!" She took off her top and revealed her blue bra.
"Carol…" Mallory was heard hiccupping. "Put your damn top back on!"
"Now wait a minute," Krieger was heard. "Let's see where she goes with this."
"Yeah, I'm interested too," Pam admitted. "Sex does sell."
"Hey! Out there in TV Land!" Cheryl waved. "You wanna go on a date with me?"
"And me!" Pam was heard.
"And for my fat friend Pam," Cheryl snickered. "She's afraid how she looks will break the camera."
"I'm gonna break your fat face!" Pam snapped.
"Tease!" Cheryl snickered. "But seriously she'll do it with pretty much anyone. So all you lonely horny guys out there now is your chance!"
"You don't even have to pay us money!" Pam shouted off camera. "Just have sex with us!"
"Or I'll pay you money to choke me and have sex with us," Cheryl added. "Win-win!"
"Here's my number!" Pam shouted as a number flashed on screen. 666-EASY.
"And my number!" Cheryl nodded. 666-CHKE. "I had to take out the O in choke but you get the idea."
"AND YOU IDIOTS ARE GOING TO GET IT!" Cyril was heard shouting.
"Uh oh," Mallory snickered as Pam whirled the camera around on them. "Here comes Captain Buzzkill."
"THIS IS WHAT YOU DID WITH THE MONEY I GAVE YOU TO ADVERTISE THE AGENCY?" Cyril stormed in. "GOD DAMN IT KRIEGER!"
"I don't know what the hell your problem is Cyril," Mallory hiccupped. "This coffee is grreeatt!"
"And kids!" Krieger called out. "You don't need your parents' permission to call! Just grab their credit card out of their wallets and…"
"YOU CAN'T SAY THAT YOU ASSHOLE!" Cyril shouted as he tackled Krieger. "YOU COULD GET US SUED!"
"Hey! URK!" Krieger coughed as Cyril was strangling him. "I'm not the one swearing on TV! URRRK!"
"YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE ONE DYING ON TV!" Cyril shouted as he kept strangling Krieger.
Meanwhile across the city at Mallory Archer's house both Lana and Ron watched the program on a couch. "I told them this was a bad idea," Lana sighed.
"I told Mallory not to even think of using my money," Ron groaned.
"How much did she take?" Lana asked.
"A couple thousand," Ron sighed.
"That's actually pretty cheap," Lana remarked.
"So is my wife," Ron grumbled.
Back on the television screen there was pandemonium. Cyril was trying to strangle Krieger. Mallory was now just drinking alcohol straight out of the bottle. And Cheryl was dancing around wearing only her bra and panties.
"This is the most kick ass coffee commercial ever!" She laughed.
"Why did Mallory agree to do this?" Ron asked Lana. "How did Krieger convince her?"
"He didn't," Lana sighed. "She thought this would make her famous. You know like those rich housewives on TV?"
"Yeah," Ron realized. "She's always saying that if she ever got a chance she could be better than them. She actually thinks she could get her own show."
Lana shrugged. "She wanted to get on TV in the worst way."
"Wish granted," Ron blinked at the mayhem on TV.
"Oh, we have a phone call…" Ray was heard sighing. "From the FCC. Lovely…"
"I smell smoke," Pam remarked. "Anybody else smell smoke?"
"Am I having a stroke?" Mallory blinked.
"No!" Ray shouted. "The coffee machine is smoking!"
Indeed, it was. "Oh, it should not be able to do that," Krieger gulped as he got away from Cyril. "Uh okay we are having technical difficulties here."
"What the hell is this?" Cyril then noticed something behind the table. He bent down and picked up an empty bottle.
"Oh no…" Ray recognized the label. "You didn't!"
"Krieger tell me you didn't put in any of your stupid Krieger Springs Water in there!" Cyril gasped.
"Okay…" Krieger coughed.
"Hey Krieger," Cheryl asked. "When's the part where I'm supposed to say the customer gets a twenty-four pack of free Krieger Springs water if they by your stupid thing?"
"KRIEGER!" Cyril shouted just as the coffee machine caught on fire.
"SMOKE BOMB!" Krieger threw an imaginary smoke bomb.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Cyril screamed as he chased after him.
Back to Lana and Ron. "They just had to do this live, didn't they?" Ron groaned.
"It was cheaper," Lana admitted. "Plus, side at two in the morning not too many people are watching this."
"You'd be surprised," Ron groaned.
"I'm already surprised at how fast that fire is spreading," Lana remarked. "I shouldn't be by now but I always am."
"I'll put it out!" Cheryl laughed as she threw some bottles of alcohol on it.
"CAROL NO!" Mallory screamed. "SAVE THE ALCOHOL!"
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Okay somebody call the fire department!" Ray screamed.
"You do it!" Pam was heard shouting as the scene of fire spread. "I'm getting the hell out of here!"
"YOU MANIAC!" Mallory was heard screaming. "YOU BLEW IT ALL UP! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"
"BURN IN HELL KRIEGER!" Cyril was heard shouting.
Then the picture changed. To a cartoon drawing of a little radioactive pig eating some wires. The words TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES were shown on screen.
"Yeah this went pretty much exactly as I thought it would," Ron sighed.
Lana shut off the TV. "I so need to find a new job. And some new friends."
"That's nothing," Ron groaned. "I need to get a new wife!"