Okay readers, this is my first foray into angst. I got to thinking that Sam might have experienced this problem. I hope this story doesn't cause anybody offense - that certainly wasn't my objective. Don't worry, it has a happy ending! Freya x
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but I promise to put them back where I found them. All rights belong to the owners. I've edited my own work, so all mistakes are mine.
She'd deliberately cut her finger today. She'd gnawed at the wick on the edge of her thumb until it bled - just so she could feel something other than numbness.
She'd been sure this time - she'd had all the symptoms - but the test had come back negative. Again. Much like the entire experience. The word 'negative' had become so much more than a word to her. It had taken on an almost villainous persona. She considered it as much her archenemy as the Goa'uld or the Replicators.
She was starting to question her own sanity. Had the nausea and tiredness been real, or had she wanted it so badly that her body had manufactured the symptoms just to taunt her?
After a year of trying, she wasn't really surprised any more. Failure was now an active part of her life. It came around every month like clockwork. She used to be so optimistic - it was practically her trademark - but now she felt...nothing.
At first she thought they weren't trying hard enough. Jack's face had lit-up like Las Vegas from space when she'd suggested a more...active approach. He may have been 16 years older than her, but he had the energy and enthusiasm of a man half his age.
Now, she blamed herself. Perhaps she'd waited too long. Perhaps she'd put her body on the line one too many times.
Jack had been supportive. He was always there for her - unwavering, even when everything seemed so bleak. They'd discussed their situation in bed - both limbs and bedsheets askew. He'd been using his finger to connect the freckles on her belly. She'd been gently running her fingers through his cropped, silver hair. He'd told her she needed to be patient - that it'd happen one day. She'd willed herself to believe him, but her faith had slipped like oil on teflon. Trust seemed so much easier when the foe had been physical - but this was biological. Usually she'd found matters of science fascinating, but this felt like a tailored form of betrayal.
Initially, she'd been excited about becoming a Mum. She'd bought a little khaki onesie and crudely sewn on an old SGC patch. She'd kept it in her sock draw. It mocked her every morning.
She felt foolish. She could blow up a sun, but she couldn't do the one thing a woman was supposed to to. In some respects, she felt incomplete.
She berated herself. She couldn't remember why they'd placed so much importance on the military regulations in the first place. She should have jumped Jack years ago, when she was still...capable. She'd always known that Jack was the one. Pete had just been a placeholder.
After Charlie, Jack had had his reservations about revisiting fatherhood. Sam had no doubt in his abilities. Anybody who'd seen him with Cassie, or any other child they'd encountered knew that Jack had so much to give.
Their friends had been understanding. Teal'c had even offered his...donation. Apparently the concept of infertility had been foreign to the warrior. Evidently, Jaffa didn't have that problem. Assumedly, it had something to do with the symbiote. They'd thanked him and declined his charity - at least, she'd thanked him. Jack had been too mortified to speak. The thought of a junior helping him create his own...well, junior, had rattled him to his core.
She'd stopped telling him when the tests had come back negative, but she suspected he already knew. She'd come home with a shopping bag full of chocolate and Tampax and an absent look in her eyes. He'd gather her into his arms and lay a soft kiss on her forehead, then offer to organise dinner.
Her 40th birthday was looming like a big dead end. She felt like their window of opportunity was closing. The thought sickened her to her stomach. Everything in her midsection ached. Her body seemed to be systematically shutting down with the impending date.
She didn't feel like celebrating, but Jack had been insistent. Any excuse for cake. He'd lazily swung an arm over her shoulders and quietly whispered that they both needed this. For one night, they needed to forget their problems and celebrate her. She'd reluctantly agreed.
She'd woken up the morning after feeling worse for wear. She'd just made it to the bathroom in time. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this off-colour. Surely not…
Jack had felt Sam peel back the covers in haste and run to the toilet. He'd cringed as he'd heard her wretch from behind the closed door. He'd thrown a worn t-shirt over his boxer shorts and fetched her a bottle of water from the kitchen. He'd gently tapped at the bathroom door before pushing it open. She'd been standing at the sink with something in her hand. She hadn't noticed him. He'd called her name. She'd slowly turned to face him.
"Jack, I'm pregnant."