A/N: This is completely AU and is based on the little tidbit of information from "Breathe In" that Rayna had secretly gone to see Deacon's band, during the years he was away from Nashville. I do have a companion piece to this that will be posted later, also focused on "Breathe In" backstory. Anything else is up in the air.
She'd gone to see him in concert once, in Atlanta, the closest place he played these days to Nashville. She'd put her hair up under a cap and worn the glasses she never allowed anyone to see her wear. She'd dressed down and then she'd sat in the nosebleed seats. She felt like she couldn't breathe, as she watched him on the Jumbotron screen.
She wished the weather were a little nicer. This would have been the perfect day to drive with a convertible top down, feeling the wind in her hair, blowing out all the bullshit that was in her head. But it was late March and, while sometimes it could be really warm, this year it was not. It was a cool, but sunny day, without a lot of traffic on the highway as she headed towards Chattanooga, on her way to Atlanta. As she drove, she listened to some of the songs she'd recorded for her new album, including the song she'd just written. It was still a little raw, so it was good to hear it this way.
Standing at the back door / She tried to make it fast / One tear hit the hard wood / It fell like broken glass / She said sometimes love slips away / And you just can't get it back / Let's face it
For one split second / She almost turned around / But that would be like pouring rain drops / Back into a cloud / So she took another step and said / I see the way out and I'm gonna take it
I don't wanna spend my life jaded / Waiting to wake up one day and find / That I've let all these years go by / Wasted
She had butterflies in her stomach. It had been ten years since she'd seen Deacon Claybourne and she wasn't sure why she was doing this now. She just knew she needed to be in the same space he was in, even if he didn't know she was there. As she drove, she thought about what had led up to this.
Teddy and the girls were leaving the next day. She was leaving the day after. A part of her felt a little guilty that she wasn't telling Teddy what she was doing, but a bigger part of her felt guilty for the reason that she was doing this at all. Maddie was going on a class field trip to DC during spring break and Teddy was chaperoning. They'd be gone for six days and would be touring all the famous sights in the capitol. When Rayna had seen the timing of the trip, she'd suggested that Teddy take Daphne as well. It would be a good learning experience for her, she'd told him, and he'd agreed.
What she hadn't told him, of course, was that when she had seen the bulletin about the field trip, she'd also seen the tour schedule for The Deacon Claybourne Band. There was a show in Atlanta the day after they left for the field trip. She hadn't seen Deacon in ten years, since just weeks after Maddie was born. He knew Maddie was his daughter. What he didn't know was that she'd never told Maddie, even though she'd promised she would. And that was why it had been ten years since she'd seen him.
So she was going to go to Atlanta and go to that concert. Deacon never came to Nashville. In all the years since he'd been gone, he hadn't stepped foot in the city even once. She still wasn't sure if she'd let him know she was there. When she'd seen the tour schedule, she'd told herself she had several months before she had to make that decision. All she had to do was wait for tickets to go on sale. She could decide all the rest later. But later was now.
There had certainly been times over the last ten years when she'd wanted to reach out to him, call him. But to say what? Hello? Just wanted to see how you were doing? No, Maddie's fine and happy with her life the way it is. Sorry about that. She couldn't lie. And so she hadn't called. The pain of losing him had dulled some over the years. She didn't look in Maddie's eyes, her face, and see Deacon there every time anymore. But whenever she'd hear one of their old songs on the radio or when she'd pass someplace they used to go or when she'd go into her underwear drawer and pull out that little velvet bag with the ring he'd given her that night they'd made Maddie…. Well, those were the times when she thought about him and she felt that same ache she'd felt when she'd told him goodbye the day he'd come to see their baby daughter. She never dreamed she wouldn't see him again, that he'd drive away from Nashville, never to return.
She wasn't at all sure how she felt right that moment, as she sped down the highway. She was nervous, yes. She was excited too. But she also felt a little bit of anxiety over misleading Teddy. They had decided all those years ago, when Deacon vanished from Nashville and couldn't be found, that Maddie never needed to know the truth. As the days and weeks turned into months and then over two years, with no hint of where he was or even if he was still alive, Rayna had felt more comfortable with that decision.
She'd thought he was probably dead, something she both feared and felt despair over. All the years they'd been together, as his alcoholism spiraled further and further out of control, she'd desperately worked to keep him alive. She'd prayed countless times when he disappeared, prayed that he was safe. As angry as she was every time she found him passed out somewhere, or in a hospital emergency room, or barely breathing in a hotel room, she would find a private moment to close her eyes and thank a merciful God that he was not dead.
The day had finally come, though, when she hadn't been able to do it another minute. After Vince Walker's death, Deacon's disease was out of control, and it had nearly destroyed her. There had not really been one single incident that caused her to say "I'm done". It was so many incidents, both large and small. It was the fact that he was blacking out. As scared as she was to cut ties and leave him alone, she was more afraid that she was going to get dragged down into that black hole with him. She was so tired. So beaten down. And so, when he was on another of his deep downward spirals and she couldn't find him, she moved out, taking every single thing that was hers.
He was in her blood though, just as she was in his, so when he showed up one day looking clean and sober and irresistible, she'd gone with him to the cabin. He begged her to stop seeing Teddy and then he'd surprised her with that ring, asking her to marry him. But the next day he was passed out on the couch and she wondered if he'd been drunk the night before and he'd just fooled her again, into thinking he was fine.
That was how they ended up in this place. She'd gotten pregnant, married Teddy, and Deacon had left Nashville. Even when Watty told her he'd found him, she hadn't really looked back. Until now.
Another glass of whiskey but it still don't kill the pain / So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain / He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday / Gotta face it
This was one of those times she was glad she had that secret credit card. The one in the name of R.W. Conrad. The one she used only for very private purposes. The one Teddy didn't even know about.
The day tickets went on sale for the Atlanta show, she got an alert on her phone. Before she could change her mind, she went online and found a seat in one of the upper levels of Philips Arena. She quickly selected it and ordered it before she could think about the wisdom of doing so. It would never occur to Teddy that she'd do this. One of the benefits of Deacon not being in Nashville was that Teddy never gave him a second thought. If Deacon still was in town, she was sure he'd be suspicious of every move she made. There was no way he could know that Deacon still lived in her head and her heart.
She still had time to decide if she wanted to let Deacon know she was there. She wasn't sure why the yearning was so strong, why she felt so certain she needed to do this. Usually she wasn't impulsive like this. She'd learned not to be, over the years. Deacon had brought that out in her and when that was over, she'd taken comfort in the familiar and the routine. Until now.
"I wish you were going with us, Mom," Maddie said, in her whiney voice.
Rayna smiled at her daughter. "Well, I have a tour to get ready for and an album that I need a couple songs for still, so I can get a lot of work done while you and your dad and Daphne are gone. Then when you're back, I can focus on you."
Maddie sighed. "I guess. But it won't be as fun without you, you know that. Dad is such a nerd about history."
That was another reason Rayna had begged off. History had always bored her in school and, much as she would have loved spending time with her girls, tromping around to historical sights was not her cup of tea. She looked around the room and then down at the suitcases on Maddie's bed. "Do you have everything you need?" she asked.
"I think so."
"Well, let's get you downstairs. I know Dad and Daphne are waiting." She picked up a suitcase and Maddie picked up the other and they walked down the stairs to the kitchen.
After she had hugged her girls and told them how much she'd miss them, and given Teddy a perfunctory hug and kiss, she walked them out to the car. She was actually kind of ready for them to be on their way, so that she could prepare herself for her own trip. Teddy put the window down and smiled at her. "We'll miss you, sweetie," he said, with a smile. "We'll call you every night."
She felt her stomach turn over. "Oh, I'll be rehearsing and stuff at night, so maybe call me before you go to dinner. That would be better."
Teddy shrugged. Rayna had the oddest schedules. "Sure, we'll do that. Maybe around five DC time, which is four your time."
Rayna smiled. "Perfect." She leaned down so she could look in the car. "Girls, behave for your dad and have a great time! I'll miss you lots!"
"Bye, Mom!" Maddie and Daphne cried out in unison.
She stepped back from the car and waved as Teddy backed out and then drove out through the gate.
Rayna sat in her SUV and programmed in her destination. Every time she'd thought about what she was doing, she would consciously put it out of her head. If she thought logically about this, she wouldn't do it at all. She'd go right back in the house and tear up the ticket that was burning a hole in her purse. She really had mixed feelings when she thought about it. She'd already decided she couldn't see Deacon. There was too much between them, including the lie. And yet here she was, getting ready to hit the road early in the morning, headed for Atlanta.
Cause' I don't wanna spend my life jaded / Waiting to wake up one day and find / That I've let all these years go by / Wasted
Rayna stood in front of the window at her hotel. She wondered where Deacon's band was staying. She doubted it was at the Ritz Carlton, so she felt somewhat safe, but she'd ordered room service anyway. She'd hardly touched any of the food, just drinking the wine she'd ordered. As she stood looking out over the city, as the late winter sun started to sink towards the horizon, she felt a deep and abiding despair.
She'd promised, ten years ago, that she would tell Maddie about him. Her biological father. Deacon. She'd made him sign an agreement that said he would let Teddy raise her and that she would tell their daughter the truth when she was old enough. But she hadn't done that. Deacon had never contacted her again, after he'd left Nashville, and she knew he was honoring the agreement – that he would let Maddie initiate the contact. She could only imagine what he thought, not hearing from his daughter.
He was married now, too. Belle, Brenda, something with a B. Rayna couldn't remember the girl's name – and she was just a girl, best she could tell – but every time she saw a picture of the two of them, they looked happy. Deacon looked happy. Was he really? Did he really just move on like that? The way she really could not? She wondered if Deacon's wife was with him, here in Atlanta. Or did she stay back in Texas, the way Teddy stayed back in Nashville?
Somehow, she'd never thought Deacon would get married. She wasn't sure why. It wasn't really that he wasn't the marrying kind, because they'd talked about it now and then, usually as something they'd probably do sometime in the future. He'd asked her to marry him, of course, that night at the cabin, although whiskey had erased that memory for him.
It wasn't fair for her to think that way, because, of course, she'd gotten married. But she hadn't married for love, she'd married to protect her child. The fact that she had grown to love Teddy over the years, because he took care of her and because he gave her Daphne, confused the issue for her. She certainly didn't love Teddy the way she'd loved Deacon, but it had been a good, solid marriage. So why shouldn't Deacon have that too? Except that in the pictures she saw of him and his wife, they looked like they were in looove, as the girls would say. He looked like he was in love. She and Teddy didn't look that way. They never looked that way.
She wrapped her arms around her waist and sighed.
She stood in front of the mirror in her hotel room. She pulled her hair up into a tight bun on top of her head and fitted a fedora over it. She had washed all the makeup off her face and put on her glasses. She made a face at herself. She always thought of these as her librarian glasses and she never let anyone but her family see them, and then only rarely. With an old pair of jeans and a flannel shirt, along with an old scuffed up pair of boots, she didn't think anyone would recognize her. She was pretty sure Deacon's audience wasn't her audience, but she didn't want to take a chance. An old fitted leather jacket completed her look and she headed down to the lobby to pick up her cab.
She'd chosen to sit in the nosebleed section. She wondered if Deacon still sat up there before a show. It was a ritual the two of them had started back when they had performed together and she maintained that ritual. It was a good reminder that not everyone could sit up close and they deserved the same great experience as the people who paid hundreds of dollars to sit down by the stage.
As the arena began to fill, she looked around. It was a mix of people, old and young, male and female. Most were wearing cowboy boots and jeans, many wore the Life on the Run Tour t-shirts, probably bought as they entered the arena. No one paid her any attention as they got settled in their seats, straggling in over the course of the openers' sets. The openers were solid – Jake Owens and Eli Young Band – but she was anxious to get to the main event. As the roadies were breaking down Eli Young Band's set and setting up Deacon's, she found herself getting anxious. It was silly, because she was about as far away as you could get in this arena, so it wasn't as though he'd see her or even know she was there. But she felt her chest tighten and her breathing got more shallow.
Suddenly the lights went out and the roar of the crowd picked up. It was almost like an ocean wave, starting in the pit and swiftly rolling towards the rafters of the arena. The noise became almost deafening as the drums started beating in a deep primal way. Then came the bass guitar, adding a dark note, and suddenly the rest of the guitars. It was a tribal beat, regular and slow. Rayna could feel it, even all the way up where she was, in the soles of her feet, and then it seemed to thrum through her body. The crowd was still roaring, clapping to the beat. The lights were coming up slowly, illuminating the members of the Deacon Claybourne Band. A single spotlight hit the sidestage. Rayna didn't think the crowd could be any louder, but as she watched on the big screen, she saw Deacon walk out from the shadows, his right hand held high above his head, acknowledging the crowd, which was at a fever pitch. She could scarcely breathe.
He approached the mike at center stage and shifted his guitar in front of him. He ran his fingers over the strings rhythmically, although there was no particular melody. Then, suddenly, there was a downbeat and he launched into "Postcard from Mexico", which startled her. That was their song and here he was, singing it without her. She had wild swings of emotion, from anger to hurt to amazement at how good it sounded. He had female back-up singers that took her part and he had created a version that was amped up in a very different way from how they'd performed it.
She watched him on the screen, his intensity, the inherent sexiness to the way he sang his part. Even though she was really just seeing a visual of him, it was the closest she'd been to him in ten years and her heart was in her throat. She wanted to reach out and run her fingers through his hair, see his eyes look into hers, watch that little crease develop between his eyes, feel his lips on hers. She was glad the people around her were so into the song and couldn't hear her little involuntary moan.
About four songs into the show, Deacon leaned into the mike. "Thank y'all for coming tonight," he said, a huge grin on his face. "Always a pleasure to be in the ATL." There was a huge cheer for that from the local crowd. He stood back a second, his hand on his guitar, soaking in the adoration. When Rayna actually heard his voice, she'd felt it like a zinger to her core. All the blood seemed to rush to her head. Then he leaned back towards the mike and said, "This is for all of us that got bumped for that 'nice guy'."
He launched into "He Ain't Me", the song Rayna always believed he'd written about her. But she'd thought every song he wrote was about her and she wasn't sure that really was true anymore. It had been a long time since they'd been together and she wasn't sure he even still felt the same things anymore. After all, she'd turned him away, told them there was no future for them, told him to leave them alone. And he had.
Bet that guy's gotta line or two / He cares and swears he's there for you / He thinks he's Mr. Right and he might be / But he ain't right for you, / 'Cause honey he ain't me
"So y'all know we have a new album out." The crowd roared and Deacon smiled. "I got word today, thanks to y'all, we're already platinum." Another crowd roar. "So we wanna do one for y'all that's a little different for us. But we hope you like it."
Diamond rings and old barstools / One's for queens and one's for fools / One's the future and one's the past / One's forever and one won't last
Rayna watched him on the big screen. This was definitely more like the Deacon she knew. She knew the song, because she'd bought the CD as soon as it was released, like she always did. It was a ballad, and not the band's standard fare. She couldn't help but wonder, yet again, if it was about her. But how could it be? It's been ten years. He's married. It's just a song. A part of her wondered if he'd gotten over her or if he still dreamed about her at night, the way she dreamed about him.
The wrongs and rights, the highs and lows / The "I love you's," the "I told you so's" / Past few miles to wherever's home / Another morning waking up alone
She felt her heart clench as she watched him. Ten years older, but the years had been kind to him. She couldn't see all the details from her vantage point, but he still had that killer smile, the twinkle in his eyes that could change to heartfelt emotion in an instant. He still had the familiar stubble, although his hair was shorter these days. He still closed his eyes when he leaned into the mike. And when he finished, he gave that almost shy smile to the crowd at their applause.
We ain't like midnight and cigarette smoke / Nothing like watered down whiskey and coke / I guess some things just don't mix like you hoped / Like me and you / And diamond rings and old barstools
Even though none of it was because of her, she felt so proud of him at that moment. All of his success, the adoration of the crowd, he deserved every bit of it and she couldn't have been happier for him. She wondered sometimes what it would be like for him to still be in her band, but she'd always wondered, back in those days, if he could have made it on his own. Now she knew.
She barely made it to her room before the tears came. She wiped her eyes fiercely and took several deep breaths. She stumbled to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror, as she removed the hat and pulled the pins out of her hair. She pulled out the rubber band and then her face crumpled into more tears. How could he have left me? How could I have let him go?
She bent over the sink and gripped the counter as she struggled to regain her composure. How did I let this get so fucked up? She looked at herself again, mascara streaking down her cheeks. Why in the world did I think this was the life I wanted? She could scarcely breathe as she thought of how she felt like a robot, just gliding through life without many highs or lows. She loved her girls, fiercely and fully. They were the very best thing in her life, the very best thing she'd ever done. It was what she was born for – to be a mama, to be their mama. But the rest of her life was so empty. Without Deacon, it just didn't matter.
But she felt trapped. Trapped in this white picket fence life that she'd always thought she'd wanted. It was what she told Deacon she wanted and what she told him he could never give her, that day she sent him away. It was what she told him that day she went to the cabin to tell him she was pregnant. You can't even get sober and stay sober, Deacon. How could you be a father? You're not in any shape to be a father. You can't raise up a baby. She raised her hand up and covered her mouth. She could see the pain in her own eyes. No wonder he left. She had said some variation of that to him until the day she let him see Maddie. And then the next day he was gone.
She wrapped her arms around her waist and backed up until she hit the wall. Then she slowly slid down onto the floor. She pulled her arms up and crossed them over her head, lowering her face to her knees and she sobbed, deep and gasping for breath, feeling like her heart was breaking all over again.
Oh, I don't wanna spend my life jaded / Waiting to wake up one day and find / That I've let all these years go by / Wasted
Oh I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing / The still of the morning, the color of the night / I ain't spending no more time / Wasted
Rayna was on the road by ten. She hardly paid attention to the scenery outside her window. She drove out of Atlanta and eventually lost the heavy traffic, falling in with the tractor trailers headed for Tennessee.
It's a long, long road to independence / But I'm leaving you for Tennessee / I've got demons riding shotgun, telling me not to go / But what they don't know / Is I'm already gone / I'm already gone
Those words came to her mind. One of the last songs she'd written with Deacon. Her heart felt heavy and she wanted to cry, even though she'd felt like she'd cried all the tears she'd had the night before. She felt a hollowness inside. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea. It had reminded her too much of what they'd had and what they'd lost.
She thought about Maddie. She'd married Teddy to give her daughter a safe, secure life. And let's face it, me too. But it was a hollow life, for her anyway. And every day that went by was another day she was denying Deacon the access to his daughter that she'd promised. But she also knew that probably wasn't going to change, at this point. She wouldn't do it to Teddy. She'd just figure out what to do if the day ever came that Deacon found out the truth.
She thought about what Coleman Carlisle had told her, back when she'd sent Deacon to rehab for the fourth time, that she needed to let Deacon go. He'd been Deacon's sponsor then and he'd been just as devastated about Deacon's lapses. He had met her at Percy Warner Park, the same day she'd taken the home pregnancy test. Deacon had been at the rehab facility for a month and had another month to go.
Coleman held her hand as she cried. He didn't know, of course, that she was crying about the new life inside her and her despair over the circumstances. "Rayna, you have to let him go," he'd said. "He'll never get better if you don't."
"But I love him, Cole," she'd said.
"I know. But he needs to break these old patterns. He keeps coming back to the same life and he takes the same road. We need to get him into a different headspace." He'd looked at her compassionately. "I don't want to hurt you, Rayna, but he needs to figure this out without you. I don't know what you need to do to break the cycle, but you need to figure it out and do it before he comes home."
Cole, of course, had no idea how impossible that had felt to her. She was pregnant, with Deacon's baby, and the last thing she'd wanted was to cut him loose. She'd wondered if this was what would make him better, knowing he was going to be a father. Would this be what it took to break the cycle? The truth, of course, was that he hadn't been able to make this thing work before, and she wasn't sure she could risk everything on the not-so-likely chance that this would be the time.
That's when she told Teddy she'd marry him. They announced their engagement and then, three days later, Deacon checked himself out of rehab, and went back into the same cycle.
She felt the tears on her cheeks. If only she'd had a crystal ball back then and could have seen what the future might have held for them. But she'd made a decision and it was the one she had to live with. And the reality was that Cole was right all along. When she cut him loose, he eventually figured it out. and now he was stronger than ever and he had the life he deserved. She'd seen it for herself.
She kept drivin' along / Till the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side / He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear / For the first time in a while / Hey, yeah
Oh, I don't wanna spend my life jaded / Waiting to wake up one day and find / That I've let all these years go by / Wasted
Oh I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing / The still of the morning, the color of the night / I ain't spending no more time / Wasted
The song in the title of this story is "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood. Other songs are "He Ain't Me", written by Chip Esten and Steve Mandile, and "Diamond Rings and Old Barstools" by Tim McGraw.