Three Sheets to the Wind, by DrGemini86 (DrGemini24)
Summary: The road to nowhere packs a wallop. A vignette of ficly cliché parodies. SamDaniel, CamVala, JackDaniel, Teal'cIsh'ta
Pairings: SamDaniel, CamVala, JackDaniel, Teal'cIsh'ta
Rating: M at the most
Genres: A/U, Action/Adventure, Drama, Friendship, Humour, Parody, Relationship-focussed, Romance-focussed, Thoughts
Spoilers: seasons 1-10, maybe the movies and Atlantis
A/N: not sure where I got the idea for this from. Seemed jolly fun though. Okay, I've written more than my fair share of clichés and I don't write anywhere near as well as the shiny folk on LiveJournal, so I'm not really in any sort of a position to get all seriously snobby about fan fiction. So therefore this is just some fun, poking fun at stuff I've come across within my realm of shippage (because outside of that, while fun, would be just way too big and time-consuming).
Unlike previous stories, this isn't archived on Scientific Minds due to the impending slash somewhere around here.
Just as an FYI, almost everybody featured here is out of character and the plots are, well, non-existent or bizarre – that's the point.
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Cliché #1: Jack's been a bad friend
Season: 8
Jack had heard the news of Daniel's accident during a briefing with SG-3. Naturally, he leapt from his seat and sprinted from the briefing room. He ignored the pain in his knees as he sprinted, yelling at an Airman to hold open the lift doors when the poor, scared Lieutenant stood, staring at the sight of the running General. Knowing that his life could depend on it, or at the very least his ability to procreate, the Lieutenant pressed the button to hold the doors open.
Jack entered the lift and jabbed the button for the level that the Infirmary was on. The green Lieutenant stared at the breathless General, wide-eyed, a question on his lips. As the doors closed, Jack glared at the young man and snapped, "What are you looking at?"
The Airman stood up straight and turned to face the front, not daring to say anything to the General. The lift plummeted downwards in a tense silence. When the lift stopped, Jack impatiently tapped his foot, muttering, "C'mon!" amongst a string of obscenities as the doors opened slower than usual, or appeared to do so. As soon as there was a sufficient gap, Jack fled down a corridor, sending personnel and piles of paper and books flying left, right and centre.
He came to a skidding halt in the Infirmary, where Doctor Brightman stood, waiting. She fought the urge to roll her eyes as the General caught his breath. She barely understood the deep ties between Jack and Daniel, but from she knew already, they ran incredibly deep, unnaturally so for two contrasting personalities. She simply pointed towards Daniel's bed, knowing that Jack was close to shaking her shoulders and she couldn't quite get herself to speak.
Jack nodded and quickly composed himself, strolling casually to the indicated bed, his hands in his pockets. He saw Daniel lying alone, looking so small for some reason in the Infirmary bed and the one-size-too-big scrubs. Jack sat down at his bedside, gazing at his friend. Brightman silently approached the end of the bed and said in a soft voice, her troubled eyes on the General's solemn form, "Sir, he's been unconscious since he was brought in. Nothing's been able to rouse him."
Jack asked, dreading the answer, "How did it happen?"
Brightman said in an even quieter voice, her voice roughened with emotion, "He cut himself on a sheet of paper..." Jack shut his eyes and Brightman stopped, not wanting to further compound the General's grief... or guilt for that matter. The doctor quietly slipped away as Jack gazed at his friend, tears in his eyes.
He sniffed as he squeezed Daniel's hand, whispering, "Daniel... dammit, wake up." He paused, swallowing past his pride. "I'm sorry." He paused again, this time for longer, feeling unable to get the words out. "I... I've been a crappy friend to you. I... if I hadn't been so busy with paperwork, we could have been watching a game and you wouldn't have cut yourself. I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry."
He kneaded his forehead on the hand that he held, his eyes closed tight as he wished with all of his heart that he could turn back time. Moments later, a murmuring roused the General to sit up straight, hope on his face as he watched Daniel murmur something unintelligibly. Moments after that, Daniel's eyes flickered open and he blinked as he stared at the light fittings of the Infirmary. He then frowned before turning to face Jack. He squinted and asked, his voice a little hoarse,
"Jack?"
Jack smiled in relief. "Daniel! Thought you were a goner there."
Daniel closed his eyes. "What..."
"Paper cut."
"Damn."
"Yeah, you have all the fun." Jack paused for a long moment and then said as he gazed at Daniel, the Archaeologist looking at him curiously, "Daniel... I'm sorry, buddy. I shouldn't have been so damn busy. If I hadn't been so busy, I could have dragged you out to watch a game and you wouldn't have cut yourself... and ergo, you wouldn't be here. I'm sorry. I've been a bad friend to you for so long... it's just that there's..." He let go of Daniel's hand to make a wide gesture with his hands. "... been so much in the way of that dang paperwork..."
Daniel allowed himself to smile a little as he put aside his own fears and memories of betrayal. "It's okay, Jack." He saw the guilt in the General's eyes. "I forgive you."
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Next up... Daniel