A/N-
*insert insane laughter here* Oh, how the mighty have fallen! It's slash, people! And student/teacher relations to boot! Consider yourself warned, and ickle kiddies stay away! There's no bonking in this, but you'll probably just go 'eeew…squicky' anyway. *grins*Disclaimer:
Not mine. I'm corrupting the work of the fabulous JK Rowling and gaining recognition for it. *grins* Go me!We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honoured your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this...
Harry watched the owl fly away, knowing that by the time it reached him it would be too late. He had planned it that way. There was no way that he could continue the way he had been, living this half-life and pretending that nothing had happened, that everything was alright...he sighed. What was the point of going on, after all? He had defeated Voldemort, had watched as Hermione and Ron admitted their feelings for each other, attended their wedding...the Quidditch world cup rested on his mantelpiece, yet still he felt as if he had achieved nothing. So he was ending it, ending it with a last
message to the one whom he loved, and the one who had broken him...
* * *
Severus awoke to the scraping of claws against a windowpane, and the tapping of a beak against glass. He smiled as he recognised the bird, and opened the window, eager for some news from Harry. He had broken things off a long time ago, but Harry still occasionally sent him messages, and Severus found that they were the things that he lived for, the brief contact with Harry that they held a lifesaver. He opened the package the owl carried, eager to see Harry's familiar handwriting again. There was no letter, though; just a small black box with a row of buttons marked with words like 'f/frd', 'rwd', 'stop' and 'play'. He frowned, before shrugging and pressing the 'play' button, wondering why Harry would send him a muggle toy.
"Umm...Hi, Sev--"
Snape dropped the box as Harry's voice began to come out of it, surprised beyond belief. Who would have thought the muggles could have figured out how to transmit voices without magic? He would have to write to Harry and ask how they did it...
"Don't know why I'm doing this but -- Oh, you've dropped it, Severus. Pick it up, now, it's not good for the wiring if you keep doing that. Yes, now put it on the table." There was silence for a moment, and then-- "I did it again, didn't I? Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. So annoying that is. I mean, really. You'd think I'd be able to record a simple tape without slipping into a vision..."
Snape sighed irritably. Harry had started having visions frequently after he defeated Voldemort, and he tended to ramble for a little while afterwards.
"Damnit, now I'm rambling. I know you hate it when I ramble. Maybe I should just start the tape again. No, no, I'm going to do this now. Okay. So. Um. Oh for Gods...I'm sick of this, Sev. I'm so, so sick of it. Jesus Christ, why does it feel like I haven't accomplished anything at all? I defeated Voldemort, for Chrissakes...I'm so tired...And I miss you, you know...just thought I should tell you. What did I do wrong? Not just with you...no...what did I do wrong? When did I screw up so badly that whatever god is out there decided to punish me this way?"
The box made a crackling noise, and fell silent. Severus froze, wondering if he'd damaged it in some way. Wondering if he'd damaged Harry in some way, and then realising that he had. Maybe it hadn't just been him, but he had contributed. The poor boy sounded completely calm on the tape, but the words...the words...He had thought he had broken it off well, too. Gently enough not to hurt him, but firmly enough to say that there was no chance. There hadn't been, either. There were still Death Eaters on the loose, and if they ever found out...more than that, if the public ever found out...Harry's reputation, and Severus', would be ruined. But had it been the best thing to do?
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough, I'm sorry that I couldn't be what everyone wanted, I'm so sorry..."
Harry's voice was whispering now, almost as if he had forgotten that he was recording his voice. Severus had never really understood why the boy automatically apologised. Harry had never explained it to him when he had asked; he had just shrugged and changed the subject.
"No. I'm recording this for a reason and I'm going to finish it." Harry's voice snapped with sudden decisiveness and authority. "I can't stand it anymore Sev, so I'm leaving. By the time you get this I will be gone, most probably. I'm not going to come back, Sev. I just don't care anymore...I just don't care...I wanted to give you something though, before I left. Call it a goodbye present, if you will." A heavy sigh issued from the box and echoed around the room. "You know about my fascination with music...you never could understand it, but you knew about it. Well, I finally wrote and recorded a song. I don't know why, but I sent it off to a record company...and they liked it, Sev. I've made an album. The first song, the one that I sent off, is being released tomorrow. I wrote it for you...to say goodbye. I tried to--to see it from your point of view, I guess. For most of it, anyway. They changed a bit of it...I let them, because I wanted you to know...I wanted you to hear it first. So...here it is..." There was the soft sound of a guitar being plucked, before Harry's sweet, husky voice began to sing.
"If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would have been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much"
Jesus Christ...how had he seen? How had he known? Severus realised that he was shaking slightly, and sank into a chair, covering his face with his hands before shifting and running them through his hair. He had hoped Harry would understand enough to accept it, but this...
"Ooh, this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh, don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honoured your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this"
Severus winced. Was that what Harry had thought he was doing..? Wiping the slate clean, trying to pretend it had never happened? He took back the last few thoughts. Harry didn't understand, didn't understand at all. How could he ever pretend that the time he had felt most alive had never happened? How would he have been able to continue without those memories?
"You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualise me like a young thing would and I think I like it
Ooh, this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh, don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honoured your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
What's with this distance, it seems so obvious?
Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world 'cause you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body
Ooh, this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh, don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime..."
Harry's voice faded away. Severus was in shock. He hadn't realised that Harry had felt that strongly...and beautiful? No one had ever cared that much, had thought him beautiful...The recording ran silent for a moment, before a choking sob flew out of the box, and Harry's voice started again.
"I'm sorry...so sorry...But I can't stand it anymore, Sev. I can't. No one hears, Sev. I scream and shout and yell and cry, but they never hear me...Why? Why can't they hear me? Am I that unimportant? Am I just a figurehead for them to follow? How many died for me, Severus? How many lives lost for me? It's not fair, for fuck's sake. It's just not fair...But in the end...a life for a life...I'm sorry Sev. I wasn't strong enough without you. Don't...don't blame yourself for this, please...it was always me, right from the start. Always my weaknesses, my faults that brought everyone else down...I love you, Severus. And I'm so sorry..."
There was a click, and the 'play' button shot up. Severus stared at the box vacantly. A life for a life, he had said...Cold horror filled the man, and he ran to the door before remembering that yes, he was a wizard and he could apparate. 'By the time you get this I will be gone,' he had said. Severus concentrated on Harry's house, his room, his face...and then he was there. Harry was sprawled on the bed, face pale, chest still. Snape leaned over him, feverishly checking his breathing and heartbeat. There was still a faint beat, but his lungs weren't moving at all. Severus took a deep breath then fitted his mouth to Harry's and breathed into him steadily. He didn't know how long he continued to breath for Harry, but just as he was about to give up a choking cough issued from Harry and he began to breath erratically. Severus glanced around, looking for a bottle or glass that Harry would have used, and spotted a small jar on the bedside table. He picked it up and turned it to read the label. Nievera, a poison that slowly shut down the mind and all other bodily functions. That meant that even if Harry continued to breath and his heart continued to function he would most probably remain brain dead. Snape glanced around frantically, trying to think of what to do. A shock might work, some kind of sensation to force Harry's mind to wake up, to realise what was happening. Severus slapped his face, but there was no reaction. He looked up again, and this time he heard and saw a drop of water fall from the ceiling and plop onto the ground. He lifted Harry up and carried him out into the hall and into the bathroom. He turned on the cold water tap of the shower as far as it would go before stepping in, taking Harry with him. He slapped his face again, watching for any sign of movement or awareness from Harry.
"Come on, you little fool...open your eyes, move, do something....please...I can't---I can't live without knowing that you're alive, that you're okay...couldn't you see that, Harry? Didn't you realise? I...I love you..." Severus whispered, sliding down the wall of the shower to kneel on the floor. He shook Harry, suddenly angry at the boy for what he had done. And then it happened. Harry coughed, shuddering from both the rough treatment and the coughs racking his body. His eyes slid open to focus on Severus, confusion showing clearly in the dark green orbs. Snape uttered a choked 'thank you' and pulled Harry into a bone-crushing embrace, choking sobs running through him as he cradled the boy's limp body. Harry's hand lifted to touch Severus' shoulder lightly.
"Sev? What..." Harry started, before falling silent as Snape pulled out his wand and sent Harry to sleep with a quick word. He stood, staggering slightly under the increased weight Harry made with his dripping robes, and moved to lie him on the floor, using a charm to dry the boy's clothes and body. He used the same charm on himself, then lifted Harry again and placed him on the bed, pulling up the sheets and tucking them in. Severus touched Harry's face gently, shocked that he could look so peaceful when asleep considering what he had been through. He sank into a chair near the bed and continued to watch Harry sleep through the night.
Ooh, this could be messy
But I don't seen to mind
Ooh, don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime.