She calls him one night after one year of silence. Her boyfriend sleeps in the room next door, his light snores barely audible. She feels guilty for a second, then resolves that she doesn't care.
The dial tone rings and rings and no one picks up. Her heart deflates.
She tries again, unwilling to admit defeat. It goes straight to voicemail. She sighs and berates herself for this sudden urge to talk to him. She watches the rain lightly falling outside and blurring the window.. She thinks about how she will graduate from university in two months. She is not ready to leave yet. She finally feels a semblance of peace; her life is is settled, her boyfriend is sweet, kind and there is no drama. But somehow, all of this doesn't feel totally right.
Her phone's buzzing and she watches his name flash onto the screen. She stares at it, suddenly frozen and cowardice creeping. Maybe the whole thing was a bad impulsive decision. The seconds tick and at the last moment, a different fear takes hold and she rushes to accept the call.
There's silence on both sides.
"Hello?" Marissa finally says.
"Marissa?" Ryan questions back.
"Hey," she says, almost shyly.
"Is everything okay?" he asks and she rolls her eyes. It is so typical of him.
"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"
"Because you are calling me totally out of the blue. It must be, I don't know, around 2am in England."
"I couldn't sleep," she lies.
"And you thought you would call me?"
Marissa's quiet for a second.
"I've been thinking about you," she admits.
"Marissa, what are you trying to do?"
"I'm serious," she stresses. She takes a moment to consider how this must sound. "Not...not like that," she hesitantly adds, "I've been thinking about the past lately and how we don't speak anymore."
Marissa sighs, "I don't know why I called. I just felt like it, clearly it was a bad idea."
She waits for him to say something, debating every second whether she should just hang up and save herself from further embarrassment.
"How are you?" he asks.
"I'm okay," she replies. "You?"
"Fine." After a pause, he says, "I'm glad you called."
He is fifteen minutes past the end of his lunchbreak. He stands outside, smoking a cigarette and not caring even though he should. His boss spoke to him last week about how they are worried about the lack of clients he's getting. The firm's not in great shape as it is and they need everyone on board. He had nodded along, provided empty sentiments about trying his hardest. The truth is he no longer gives a shit.
"Ryan?" he hears a familiar voice. There's an old flutter in his stomach when he recognises it is Marissa.
"Hey," he replies with a smile that almost reaches his eyes. "What are you doing in New York?"
"I live here," she answers. He's saddened that they have lost touch so much that he did not know this.
"I moved here in August," he explains.
"You like it?" she asks with a glint in her eye.
Ryan smiles back and merely shrugs.
Marissa checks her watch, realising that she is running late.
"Busy?" Ryan checks.
"Sort of."
"Do you have time for a dinner tonight?" he asks, a shadow of his old boyish grin present.
Marissa smiles brightly, "I thought you would never ask."
They go to dinner, they flirt and for the first time in three months, Ryan feels a bit lighthearted. He knows he shouldn't but he invites her over to his place for a drink. He never thought it could be so easy to fall into old patterns but it is like the chemistry never changed. His hand falls on to her thigh and when she looks at him, he feels sixteen again. He knows he shouldn't, she does too. This is all too much, too quick, but he kisses her anyway. Before either can think, they're on his bed, his shirt unbuttoned and her dress barely on.
When the afterglow passes, his stomach tightens. She looks so perfect, lying there curled up against his side. His mind is racing, repeatedly telling him that he shouldn't have done this.
"Marissa," he says out loud, his worry palpable. Marissa's eyes jump open and she removes herself from him.
Ryan sits up slightly, pushing his shaggy hair away from his forehead.
"I'm sorry," he says and he watches her face collapse.
"Why?"
"Because," he searches for the words and he almost wants to say it was a mistake. He shrugs instead and says, "We shouldn't have done this."
Marissa stares back in shock, anger simmering in the background.
"Fuck you, Ryan," she snaps.
She jumps out of bed, putting her clothes on. He follows her lead, looking on in exasperation.
"It's not like that," he insists.
"Enlighten me then?" Marissa retorts.
"I'm not in a good place right now, Marissa. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to fuck this up," he tells her sincerely.
Marissa's expression softens. "Is this about what happened with your ex?" she asks gently.
"You know about that?" He looks surprised.
Marissa nods, slightly embarrassed. "I just know you broke up and that it wasn't exactly a happy end. Summer and I were talking, I asked how you were...it came up."
Ryan sits down on the bed.
"It's not just that," he mumbles. Marissa joins him on the bed, waiting for him to continue. "My mom died, back in July. She had lung cancer - funny how it was the cigarettes in the end."
"Shit, Ryan, I'm so sorry," Marissa says sympathetically. She reaches for his hand, hoping he will accept her support. She is glad when he doesn't push her away.
"I tried to get her help, you know, get her treatment but it was all too late. The cancer was too far gone. There was no point, but I tried anyway. The whole thing, it really put a strain between me and Anne. I couldn't open up and she couldn't understand, ended up sleeping with some douchebag from work instead. And fuck, I, I was so fucking clueless about it. Before I found out, I thought about proposing, that was my idea of fixing our relationship."
Marissa listens in silence, squeezing his hand tighter. He looks at her finally, his defences so down that she wonders if she ever saw him so vulnerable.
"The whole thing, my mom, the mess with Anne, it really fucked me up," he tells her.
"You really think that's going to scare me away?" she replies with a small smile. Ryan gives her a look, as if to say she would be mad to still want him.
Marissa leans her head against his, pressing a kiss against his cheek and willing him to trust her. When she feels him relax slightly, she wraps her arms around him. He leans against her and she thinks it may be her turn to save him now.
He asks if they can meet for lunch and despite knowing better, she agrees. She never could say no to him.
His eyes are instantly apologetic when she sits down opposite him. Hers are too because the last five years have left her feeling forever sorry about what could have been.
"How have you been?" he asks sincerely and she doesn't know how to answer him. Does she admit how she cried and cried over him for months after he left? How her drinking eventually led her to the hospital for a second time?
"Good," she replies at last. He nods, too ready to believe the sentiment.
"I'm glad," he says in response. "I gather that was your boyfriend yesterday," he mentions, referring to their unexpected run-in. "He seemed nice."
Marissa stares back blankly.
"What are we doing here, Ryan? Making small talk about our lives. In all these years, you called maybe once, twice. You never wrote, nothing," she accuses.
"It was the only way," he insists. "I couldn't be there for Theresa and our daughter, and still keep speaking to you. It would have been too hard."
He looks so sad that she nearly believes him. She knows deep down he isn't lying but that doesn't stop the truth from hurting like a bitch.
"I couldn't believe that she was actually yours," she says despondently, a sob breaking through.
Ryan gives a sympathetic smile and says softly, "She's great though."
Marissa's energy drains and she realises she is holding on to frustrations from five summers ago. It hits her that she is finally here, speaking to Ryan in the flesh when she never thought she would get this chance again.
"I bet she is, just like her dad," Marissa responds. He wonders if she is being sarcastic but when he sees that she is smiling, he knows she means it.
"I'm sorry for not keeping in touch," he informs her, looking as heartbroken as she once used to feel. "I really missed you."
"Me too," Marissa says, emotion ready to overflow.
"For the record, I was never choosing Theresa over you," he says.
"I know, I always knew but at the time, it didn't seem to make much difference. She had you, I didn't," Marissa explains. "I know you did what you had to do, you did what was right but -"
"It hurt doing it," Ryan supplements. Both look at each other, blue irises crashing against one another and understanding being cemented.
"But we are here now," Ryan says. "Maybe we can be friends again."
"Friends?" she repeats and he nods nervously. She remembers everyone once telling them that they were never friends.
"I would like that," she answers.
Kaitlin gives birth to two beautiful twin girls. Marissa stands behind the glass window, observing them in fascination. She likes the idea of being an aunt.
"Hey," Ryan says approaching her with two cups of coffee. "They're so cute, aren't they?" he comments.
"The cutest."
She gratefully accepts the coffee from him.
"So, how long are you sticking around for, now that the twins are born?" Ryan questions.
Marissa shrugs noncommittally and he infers her indecision. He wishes she would have an answer.
"Where's Paul?" he asks, referring to her husband.
Marissa's sighs. "He's in Hong Kong."
They are both quiet, too many questions silently swirling between them. He knows that in the four months while Marissa has been in Newport helping Kaitlin, her husband has visited twice and for at most one week. He knows from Marissa that the reason has always been work.
"I'm thinking about possibly moving back here," Marissa confides after a moment.
"Really?" Ryan says, trying to restrain his excitement. Marissa nods.
"What about Paul? Would he want to move?"
Marissa looks down for a second.
"I'm not sure how much of a future we have left," she admits.
Ryan looks at her intently, trying to decide what is the right thing to say.
"Are you sure you don't want to try and work it out?" he questions.
"I just, I'm not sure we can. I wouldn't know what I'm fighting for."
She looks at him, eyes watery and against his better judgement, he pulls her into a hug. Guilt gnaws against him when he thinks how he secretly wanted this since three months ago when he realised he is falling for her.
Later when he is dropping her home, Ryan tell hers, "You know, if you moved back here, you would get to see the twins grow up. I'm sure Kaitlin and Julie would love to have you around."
Marissa smiles broadly, "Yeah?" she challenges teasingly.
"Yeah, and Summer too," he rambles. "I know she misses you, even Seth does."
"What about you? Would you want me to come back?"
He returns her coy smile, conveying his answer with a signature look.
They both know their lives do not work without each other in it.
Review please! x