A/N: anyone who knows me at all also knows I can't resist trash & crack. So yeaaah. This is a kind of parody, but there will be smut, daddy kink, silly romance, terra-forming, genocide...all the good stuff. Anyway, lemme know if you dig it!

I admit, when I saw my jackass dad turn into ash before my eyes, I cheered. Yeah, there was the initial shock, because you don't expect people to do that. But afterwards I felt really good about it. It's a clean way to go and a clean way to dispose of a shitty parent. I didn't have to pay for the funeral or anything.

People around me were really bummed out. Yes, it was pretty awful that half of the world's entire population had just gone up and vanished. And I empathized, I really did. But I couldn't pretend my life was not ten times better now.

Even if there was a giant alien in the sky controlling us.

I guess I thought he'd leave eventually. He'd accomplished his goal. When the remaining news outlets finally cobbled a story of what happened, they said this Thanos guy had just wanted to apply population control. Cut down on the billions so that the few of us left could have a better life. There were a bunch of talk shows on TV that tried to argue his point of view. I shit you not, there were special reports like "The Thanos Age: Are We Better Off?" and "Is Thanos a libertarian? Find out at ten."

Yes, we're a pretty inconsistent species. Overall though, people hated him. You couldn't say you sided with Thanos in public or you'd get cut. Yeah, crazy Luddites could spout all kinds of theories on TV, but you had to keep your mouth shut in your neighborhood because everyone had lost someone and you'd be pretty insensitive to try to see the silver-lining.

So I kept my mouth shut, but privately, I rejoiced.

One night, as I was sitting on my porch drinking a cool beer (well, more like five) I raised the can towards the sky.

"I know you're getting a lot of shit right now, and you are kind of terrible, but I wanted to say I'm really glad you made my shitty dad disappear. So, thanks. Here's to you."

I spilled some beer on the ground. I was pretty drunk, I think I even said "Namaste". I didn't think he'd be monitoring us, much less hear me.

Boy, was I wrong.

Afterwards I crashed on the living room couch with my sneakers on.

It was probably my last night alone and on Earth.

Next day, I woke up with sirens blaring in my ear. For a moment, I wondered if I'd done something really stupid and illegal while blackout drunk. Not that crime had the same meaning anymore.

The sirens were different though. Not police sirens. No, they were the "alien sirens". Our city, like every other city in the country, had installed special sensors for the arrival of non-planetary beings. It was basically a big Thanos alarm.

And it was ringing like crazy.

I should've probably rushed out of my house to see what the commotion was.

But no. I got into the shower instead because I stank and my mouth was a diaper. I brushed my teeth thoroughly and just stood under the hot water for a long, long time. I enjoyed the luxury of not having to get Dad his breakfast and change the channels for him while he shouted abuse.

But I wouldn't enjoy it for long.

Something else replaced the ringing outside. Something more distinct. It was like someone was shouting something, booming it at the top of their lungs, in fact.

It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize it was my fucking name.

I like to think that when Ma named me before she died she was thinking of the Biblical name Zipphora and not the goddamn beauty outlet store. Unfortunately, she did call me Sephora. I usually went by Sephy.

Maybe whoever was screaming it was referring to the store.

I put on a T-shirt and slacks and went into the kitchen to brew some coffee. Yeah, I was a little bit concerned, but I'd check it all out when my head was clearer.

I didn't get a chance.

The roof – yes, the fucking roof – of my house was torn off like it was just a piece of Lego.

A giant purple hand blew it the fuck away.

I crouched down, trying to avoid the splinters and debris. I crawled on my hands and knees towards the door, but it was pretty pointless given the fact that my whole house was open to the elements now.

"Stand up, little mortal. Greet your God."

Oh no.

I felt like throwing up.

I rose shakily, mostly because I was hungover. Maybe this was a really creative nightmare.

Giant, weirdly pornographic chin? Check. Bald egg-head? Check. Gauntlet full of shiny stones? Check. Thick body in thick armor? Double check.

I was standing face to face with Thanos. Only the sad, uprooted walls of my house stood between us.

I walked out of the house.

He was…pretty big, but I honestly thought he'd be bigger. King Kong could've taken him, maybe. I know, stupid thing to consider. Go easy on me, it wasn't every day I was meeting a being so powerful that he could probably go back in time and kill all my ancestors.

"Sephora," he intoned gruffly. It was both terrifying and hilarious that he was saying my name and also the name of the store. "I saw your libation and heard your gratitude. You are the only one who expressed thanks."

Really? The only one? I doubted it. There were a lot of underground fascist sycophants who loved him. Would've sucked his dick for free too.

"I, uh…" My head was still killing me from the full pack I drank last night. "I'm sorry? For – for the fact that other people didn't…thank you."

"It is no matter," he waved his giant hand. "One voice weighs more than thousands. This has been my lifetime creed, after all."

Haha, population control. Get it?

I didn't laugh, though. I had that much sense, at least.

"Then…that's good," I said lamely, shifting from one foot to the other. Was he going to kill me or reward me for thanking him?

"I know you meant your words, you meant them from the heart," and he pointed at his own chest, tightening his fist over it.

I squirmed. "Yeah…thanks again. My dad was a real piece of work."

"I see. I think you and I will understand each other. My…daughter was a real piece of work too."

I raised my eyebrows in shock. Thanos had a daughter? Had I heard or read about this? Was she still alive? It didn't sound like it.

"I am searching for a new one. A worthier candidate," he continued with gruff pathos. "I never had a human daughter before. It is time I tried. I believe you need a new father as well."

"A new father…" I trailed off stupidly. Was he saying what I think he was saying? If this was a nightmare, I needed to have my head checked. This shit was wild.

"Mortal daughter," he called me. "You will come with me and learn my ways. If I am pleased with you, you shall live and thrive."

Oh no. Oh shit.

"Come with you? Where?"

"Far away from this miserable planet," he said, pointing up above.

Space travel had sounded really cool when I was ten, but now I think I wanted to stay on Earth. I liked this miserable place. Did I have a choice?

I stumbled back and almost lost a flip-flop. Would Thanos take me away in flip-flops? I hoped not.

"Can I at least go pack some stuff?"

He nodded. "If you must bring some memorabilia, be quick about it."

I dashed inside my roofless house. What do you pack to go on a father-daughter road trip to hell?

Comfortable shoes, sturdy scrunchy, hefty bowie knife?

I opened my fridge. First off, I had to get some "libation" inside me.

I opened a can and licked the foam.

"You are to leave your vices behind," his voice boomed above me, making me drop the beer.

This is what happens when you don't have a roof.

I smiled nervously. "You're right. My friends keep saying I drink too much. I usually don't listen." It's probably why I didn't have friends anymore.

"You will listen now."

"You're pretty loud, so I guess I will," I pointed out like the village idiot. He stared at me. Not amused, not angry either. His chin really did look like a bunch of rock-hard dicks.

"Are you ready, mortal daughter?"

I scrambled into my bedroom, threw some clothes in a backpack. I grabbed my stuffed giraffe which I'd had with me since I could walk. Then I took it out because "Ms. Penelope" didn't deserve to be dragged on this fucked-up adventure. Then I put her back in. Bitch would be angry if I left her behind.

I snuck in my old, old iPod which I hoped still worked. Threw some chargers in there too. Didn't take my phone because I wouldn't get reception anyway. Grabbed the weed stash under the bed and my lucky leprechaun bracelet. Okay, that was it, that was my whole life.

"I guess I'm ready," I said after a while. "Wait, no. Forgot about tampons."

Okay, now I was ready.

I walked out of the house. Thanos opened his buff arms.

"Come here, Sephora."

Was I supposed to sit on his giant lap or…?

I grabbed half of a thick finger. He dragged me up into his arms. I suppressed a cry.

He was holding me the way you cradle a newborn. That made sense.

His giant mug floated above me. "Close your eyes. The first time might disorient you."

What a nice guy. Definitely a step up from my biological father.

I closed my eyes, hoping for the first time ever that I'd wake up in my living room in a small pool of my own vomit.

A/N: YES, her name IS Sephora, i love it ahahahah