Many miscellaneous one-shots/humorous incidents involving our favorite gang of gaming characters. Some of which include fourth wall breaking, money making schemes, and facing random enemies of terror. This should be fun.
Lucario gulped as he glanced at the group of assembled people. All smashers all from various worlds and games come together for a common cause. That cause being... they happened to just run into each other.
"All I wanted to do today was meditate on top of the peak. Maybe get my groceries early with those coupons I've been saving. Drink some tea and eat marmalade. But no, a weird spherical guy attacks me for no reason..."
Lucario grumbled recalling his meeting with Meta-Knight. Then immediately after their brawl and making peace the two ended up climbing onto the Hallberd - surprise surpise, it was MK's ship - and then having to fight more weird people. And then Lucario met Snake, a supposed legendary soldier who had a serious Cardboard fetish that smelled like cigarettes.
After even more strange hijinks - such as fighting clones of Princess Peach and Princess Zelda and having an Avengers team up with a Fox guy and a bird man (they'd met so fast Lucario hadn't bothered to get their names) they took back the ship. And now...
They'd landed the ship on solid ground to run into more of Meta Knight's friends. There was a kid with a big head who was friends with a Pokemon trainer (whom Lucario warned about trying to capture him), two bishounen knights (the Marth guy Lucario thought was a women at first), and those little Ice Climbers. But there was more, super freaking Mario himself along with more friends and another group led by a Pikachu.
There was so many people around that Lucario barely had a chance to get anyones names. But some he recognized mainly from viewing video game stores' best selling titles. It was rather strange having so many different individuals all in the same place together like this but Lucario wanted to get to the bottom of what the heck exactly was going on and so gathered as many as he could to discuss.
"I was having a tournament fight with Kirby here when Wario showed up and knocked me in the sky! Mario yelled angrily. The fact he was out of his stereotypical Italian accent meant he was serious.
"I was just looking for my sword in the woods when I was stuck with Yoshi-WAH!" Link said with a random battle cry.
"Why was your sword in the middle of the woods?" Lucario asked to which the Hyrulian shrugged.
"I don't know. I don't choose how my adventures go."
"Yoshi!" Yoshi... agreed? No one really could understand.
"These guys attacked our Quadrant! And then they destroyed my mother ship!" Fox complained flailing his arms around.
"And we didn't even have insurance!" the bird guy cried. Lucario awkwardly stepped back, mostly because he was too far gone in not knowing his name.
"They stole my power suit." Samus Aran said rather coolly, though her fist was currently crunching a pistol she carried. Now Lucario stepped back away from her and wasn't sure where to stand.
"Pi Pika pi!" Pikachu added on. At least Lucario could understand him. What did he say? Well, it was Pi Pika pi obviously.
"Right... these bad guys are causing a whole mess of trouble. But don't worry, the UN hired me to help all you guys out with this." Snake added as he noted down everyone's complaints in a notepad. For curiosity's sake Lucario peered over the man's shoulder and saw something that horrified him.
Snake's handwriting was godawful.
"Wait you mean you were hired to help us out?" Ike asked raising a brow.
"Yeah. I literally just said that. And I am a soldier after all. Why?"
Marth grinned next to Ike as he chuckled to himself. Lucas and Red slowly scooted away from the Prince as he did so.
"Um... is he okay?" Lucario asked Meta Knight.
"I'm... not entirely sure." the short Knight replied.
"I think... I think we can get more out of this..." Marth continued to chuckle.
"What do you mean?" Snake asked.
"Isn't it obvious!" Marth jumped forward much too close to Snake.
"Hey personal space bub..."
"We're all here just accidently having run into these guys... what if we..."
Marth whispered into Snake's ear. Although Lucario could read aura's he did not have an ear for whisper babble. The soldier's eyes seemed to glow and he too now had a similar grin however.
"Hey what just happened?" Samus asked crossing her arms as Marth turned to explain to her and everyone else.
Now nearly everyone out of this ragtag little band of heroes was in on the little idea the effeminate knight had and were somewhat amused. Well save for one moral Pokemon...
"No, no, that is insane. Why should we even do that?" Lucario crossed his arms turning away.
"But Lucario this could work!" Captain Falcon declared pointing a finger at the sun.
"Yeah and besides some of us have actual livelihoods that could benefit from this. I could get INSURANCE!" the bird man added wryly. Lucario sighed unable to keep this up.
"Look I don't even know who you are and was too embarrassed to ask at this point."
"WHAT!" the bird man gasped dramatically. Lucario ignored him and slightly nudged him over towards his friend.
Everyone else however was still in on things. No doubt they all weren't going to be easily convinced or swayed anyhow.
"But..."
"Kya!" Kirby suddenly popped out landing on Lucario's head. Why the round pink ball of kawaii chose that moment to appear Lucario would never know. But he continued speaking in ignoring Kirby. Kirby didn't mind, he felt safe on his head.
"The world is bigger than this. We're better than that! Are you all really that greedy at the end of the day?"
The whole gang of heroes then began to wonder on this. Snake rubbed his much needed to be shaved chin while Link closed his eyes to reflect. Mario had removed his hat to scratch the top of his head while Marth and Ike huddled with Zelda and bird man was still in shock so he was promptly ignored by everyone.
Not a second later they responded:
"Of course!"
Lucario could not believe them.
"You know how long I've been rescuing this Princess and showing up in a million games? Nearly thirty years! And what do I get? Jack nadda!" Mario yelled.
"Yeah and you think I like always being a damsel all the time? My solo game even sucked too!" Peach added on.
"Same here." Link and Zelda both replied.
"Well... I could use the benefits. You know... being unemployed... barely having one game released." Lucario could sense her own morals conflicted but also that reality took presidence. Not to mention the fact she wasn't doing that well ever since Other M came out.
Best not to bring that up to her.
"Hey I could use extra bonuses. Cause I fight for my friends!" Ike added triumphantly.
"I just wanna get paid." Fox said.
"Same here." Snake also added flatly.
"My name is Falco you asshole!" the birdman recovered. Lucario decided he would just keep calling him Birdman anyways.
"Bananas!" Donkey Kong yelled out banging his fists on his chest. Diddy Kong did so as well right next to the big ape.
"I can't believe you guys..."
And so a few hours later, and a couple phone calls courtesy of Snake, and the gathered fighters were brought before an assembled gathering of major figures. Nothing much save members of the United Nations, the President of the United States, and representatives of game companies to which the smashers belonged.
Lucario gulped as he approached walking forward ahead of the group stepping up to the people brought forward.
"So you're the Pokemon. I am-"
"The President. Yes I know."
"President Obama. Snake told me you're the voice of reason." the gentleman said. Lucario shook the President's hand quickly. He then pulled up the papers given by his group stealing a quick glance at everyone else.
"Is there something wrong Lucario-san?" Masahiro Sakurai asked. Lucario shook his head.
"No... uh... well, unless you consider what Konami did to Kojima, hahahaha..."
No one laughed. Lucario coughed feeling nervous standing in front of the world leaders like this. But he did notice Obama shed a tear as he revealed a Kojima Productions pin on his suit. The more you know he guessed.
"Well then, here's the list of requests we'd like to make before we go and... save the world."
Lucario still couldn't by how strange it felt to be saying that. Actually the fact he was even here at all was pretty farfetched to begin with. And the fact that all these people with high power were easily brought here baffled him more.
"Right... and that would be?" the head of the UN asked. Lucario shook his head glancing at the list.
"Um... right, well, there's a few notable mentions. Nothing too big..."
Lucario gulped. Though he was mostly composed he still couldn't take half of what was listed seriously.
"Um... Captain Falcon has some parking tickets he'd like taken care of-"
"Eighty seven tickets in twelve countries!" The Captain yelled from the background.
"Right, right..." Lucario waved a paw at him to be silent. The assembled leaders just blinked.
"Go on."
"Yes... uh, Red wants to be able to ride his bike wherever he wants -
no matter what his mom or Professor Oak says. Princess Peach would like some aid paid to the Mushroom Kingdom. They're kind of in a recession you see..." Lucario nervously glanced at said Princess who waved.
"I think I can handle that." Obama answered. "Afterall American-Mushroom Kingdom relations is one of my top priorities."
"... I can't tell if you're serious or not." Lucario wondered aloud before continuing.
"Well, there's also Game and Watch who is wanting the Game and Watch to come back. Not sure if that'll work... Fox and his bird best friend would like money to get a brand new Corneria with a better engine. And insurance. They really insist on having coverage for next time."
Falco squawked in the group of smashers. The world leaders were not fazed by this. Lucario swore.
"Oh and Kirby would like every Friday to be declared... 'Fluffy Day'." Lucario blinked at the sentence on the page. It was written in pink crayon with an added smiley face.
"Fluffy day?" The UN leader asked. Lucario shrugged.
"Yeah. I don't even know what that means either." The leaders glanced at each other for a few moments. Out of the many requests that one seemed most friendly. They nodded.
"We'll see what we can do." The UN Leader said. Kirby high fived Yoshi in the background at this.
Lucario cleared his throat glancing through the other requests. "Yes... and Link would like a year's worth of new equipment. Zelda would like something done about World at Warcraft and Skyrim players sneaking into Hyrule. Um... you guys wouldn't happen to know if Donkey Kong could star in a brand new game again without Mario would you?"
The gathered leaders glanced at each other contemplating this.
"Right... uh, oh Snake wants to get full pardons on... well every crime he's accused of and every crime he's definitely committed."
"I'm innocent until proven guilty, you hear me Patriot swines!" Snake yelled.
"We get it! Shut the hell up hobo!" Lucario yelled back.
"Continue please." The President responded. Clearly he and the rest of the assembled leaders had much more patience than the Pokemon of Aura. Maybe they were used to this kind of thing already.
"Okay... uh, and Samus wants all her repair bills on her gunship taken care of. Pikachu wants 20 tons of ketchup sent to his address..." Lucario squinted at the next request. "And King Dedede... would like to stay at the Fair Hamptons Hotel?"
Lucario glanced at the Penguin. King Dedede shrugged.
"What? I need to get away sometimes."
"Okay... uh... here why don't you guys just take the time to read the rest and see what you can do?" Lucario handed over the paper quickly.
"Right. We'll take care of all this." The President assured patting Lucario on his back.
"Lucario!" Mario yelled from the background. Lucario's shoulders jumped as he glanced around. Everyone else shared expectant looks piercing into Lucario's psyche. Sighing the Pokemon turned back to the assembled leaders.
"Um... there's just, one little thing."
"Yes?" The President asked. Lucario scratched his cheek for a moment wondering how to get out this last word before deciding to just come out with it.
"Right... everyone wants to be paid 20 million US dollars. Of course converted to whatever currency from our respective homes but - yeah. Oh and no one wants to pay taxes. Ever. Again."
Now the entire group stared baffled at the Pokemon. Sure they could probably handled half of the odd requests given but now this was a new pickle.
However it was that or risk the world getting annihilated or worse.
"It'll be done." The President responded. Lucario blinked.
"... you're serious?"
"Eh. You guys deserve some compensation right?" Sakurai added patting Lucario's head.
"Besides if you all don't get some kind of reward then that'll make us look really cheap in comparison!" Shigeru Miyamoto added. Although he didn't look up from his 3DS as he kept on playing New Super Mario bros.
"Wait... so this is a pitty reward?" Lucario asked.
"Not at all son! Now get out there and save the world!" The President ushered the Pokémon away much to his now own more bafflement.
I don't... I can't...
Everyone else cheered in the crowd of fighters. Mario and Peach danced. Ike kissed Marth ("true friends kiss their friends" he claimed). And Donkey Kong brought out his bongos in celebration.
Lucario watched the many characters parade about in triumph of getting the bribes they all wanted. And for a moment, just one single moment...
He almost wanted to let the world get taken over.
I decided to bring this back for my own amusement. There is some updates if you've ever read the old version such as the President being clearly Barack Obama (because Fuck Trump), Lucario not knowing Falco's name, and a few more modern references here and there. I still love Super Smash Bros and am so excited for Super Smash Bros Ultimate and can't wait to see how it changes the franchise.